disclaimer: I am pretty sure everyone knows I don't own the characters, Marvel does. (Except Jenny, but she's barely mentioned.)
Waiting
by Dizi
Part 2 (Wolverine's POV): Letting Go
I have loved a handful of wormen in my life. Well, my life that I remember. But not like her, never like her. She doesn't think I love her, but I do. Enough to let her go.
Bad things happen to those I love. Usually they die. Jean came back, but not to me. I'm over her. Not everyone thinks that, expecially not HER, but I am. Have been for awhile. Didn't realize when it happened, but I got over her. Over all of them.
I think it must have been in the last year. Since SHE left. While she was here and sharing my bed I felt like a dirty old man. I tried to keep my distance and to keep everything the same, but it didn't work.
I didn't know she had nightmares til she came back to the mansion when she finished college. Sometimes I would lay with her on her bed and hold her. Feel her body against mine and think how good it felt. It was worse when I took her to my room. I squashed that down fast. She was like my daughter. She needed me. I sure as hell wasn't going to do anything with her.
I would think about when she saved me in Australia. She was terrified. She hid it well, but I knew. She was there for me whenever I needed her.
When they decided to have that meeting about her when she was fourteen. I was NOT going to let her go. She needed me. I needed her. But they pointed out all those other needs of hers. Needs I couldn't take care of.
What did I know about being a teenage girl? Hell, I lit out first thing when she... she... can't say it. But I left til I knew it was over that first time. So eventually I decided they were right. Took the kid aside and explained it to her. I knew she listened in. I knew she knew it wasn't what I wanted. She had probably already made up her mind. If she cried and said she didn't want to go, well then, no matter what anyone said she wasn't going. But she just listened and when I said I thought it was a good idea, she said she'd go. I wanted her to go. I wanted her to be happy. But it hurt like hell.
When she was captured by that bastard Bastion, I felt like someone else I loved was being taken away from me. I had to fight not to go beserk in the desert when I caught her scent. I had thought she was safe at that school and there she was in hell. And it was my fault.
I brought her into this world of humans against mutants, the dream of us all just getting along. So to keep her away from me, I sent her on back to that school and tried not to think about her all the time. Hoped she would know I still loved her even though I didn't go to her and say so.
I didn't know what they had done to her. I didn't find out she'd been raped until the nightmares when she came back. I thought she was fine. She went on her first date when she was sixteen. I was told about it and went a little crazy I admit. But everyone told me both her dating and me not liking it was normal. She was normal, dammit. She finished school, went to college. Isn't that normal?
I wasn't sure how to feel about her joining the team after college. Cyke asked her without telling me. Then she was there and it was great. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her.
First week she's back she had a nightmare. After the second , I suggested being back was reminding her of bad times. That's when she told me she's been having them since it happened. That's when I found out she'd been raped. And I had just sent her back to school with a wave saying how she was strong and she'd be fine.
She wasn't fine and I didn't know it. I didn't know because I pushed her out of my life. This was the daughter of my heart and I didn't know and pushed her away. Well, I'd be there for her now I told myself.
Then she changed on me. It was bad enough that she'd snuggle against me after one of those nightmares and I'd want her like I'd never wanted anyone before. Then she changed her scent. I noticed that right off. God, did she smell good! I just wanted to bury my nose in her and smell her all day.
Then there was the hair. When she was young she'd kept it short. While at the school she'd grown it out some. But at college she grew it out all the way. But she'd alway kept it up and I didn't really pay attention to it. Well, she let it down. Man, did it go down. All the way down to her butt in fact. And what a butt it is. I was in hell.
She started wearin' a tight little number as her uniform. I sure didn't like the way all the men on the team looked at her then. I think even Cyke was sneaking looks. I know I couldn't stop looking. Then I held her in my arms at night. Did I mention hell?
She wore the shortest skirts and shorts ya ever seen around the place. And I gotta admit she doesn't have breasts like Storm and Jean but what she has was pretty noticable in those tops she practically wasn't wearin'. And I'm still holdin' her in my arms at night.
I didn't think the danger room would survive the rage I went into when she started dating after she came back. She'd come home smelling ofjerk she'd let touch her, kiss her. She'd stay out all might but I knew she hadn't slept with anyone. I would have smelled it. I was quietly going insane, but I didn't say anything.
Cyke and Remy took me aside and wanted to know what was between us. I don't remember what I said. Neither of them made an issue of it. Chuck mighta said somthing to them since I went to him about what to do for her because of the rape. He wasn't much help, just said I seemed to be handling it fine on my own. Was he kidding?
Then one night when I'm holding her, I ask if she's alright and she just lifts her head and kisses me! I had to force myself not to just grab her right then. I didn't want to scare her, so I let her do whatever she wanted with me. Man did she! But I felt guily as hell. So, I let her have her way with me a few more times. Then I couldn't take it anymore, and I stopped going to her when she had a nightmare.
I could hear her crying out in her sleep and then crying herself back to sleep in the early morning hours. But I didn't go to her. I'm a shit, I admit it.
Everyone got real worried. She started pulling her hair back again and wearing dark clothes that covered her from head to toe. They matched the dark circles under her eyes. Her beautiful eyes.
I still tried to be there for her. I kept trying to get her to talk to me about the nightmares, and she'd say she was fine. Fine my ass. I went to Chuck and Hank. Hank gave her some pills and they seemed to help for a few days. Then I caught her drinking with them. Put a stop to that right away. She could of killed herself.
I needed her. My body reacted to just the thought of her. What I really needed was to hold her at night and protect her from the nightmares.
Just when I couldn't take it anymoe, she came to me. I still didn't want to scare her so again I let her make all the moves, but when she put my hands where I wanted them anyway, I just gave in. She was with me all the way. Damn, I love her. And we were together again.
The nightmares stopped. She went back to wearing pretty clothes and didn't look half dead. I stopped killing innocent inanimate objects. Which made certain other team members happy, I can tell ya.
But I just couldn't treat her the same. I tried but she just wasn't a kid to me anymore, and I couldn't pretend she was. But I'm not one to display my feelings. I wasn't sure how to act. When it was just us there was no problem, though I couldn't make myself touch her in her old girly room, so I waited for her to come to mine.
Then I started having nightmares of my own. About all the other women in my life that had ended up dying. Even the ones still alive were dead in my dreams. Asking me to be with them one more time. Then I'd wake up to their name coming out my mouth and her in my arms. I know it hurt her. I tried to stop. Even went to Chuck about it. He just said I had unresolved issues. In the words of the kid, duh.
She stopped going out. Said she was fine at home. I admit I didn't push her. But when I went out, it seemed all I really wanted while I was there was to go back to her. Had to get a little rough pushing some of the bar-flies away, but she was more than enough for me.
Chuck seemed to think something wasn't quite right and said he'd talk to her while the rest of us went out one day.
When I came home, she wasn't there. She came home around midnite covered in the stink of some bastard. Now, I know she wouldn't mess around on me, but I had been worried about her and she smelled of some jerk. I'm not exactly sure what I did then. But when I came back to my senses she was beneath me and had blood on her. I rushed her to Hank.
Then I went to Chuckand find out what had happened while we were gone. He said he'd tried to make her see she needed more in her life than waiting for me. I thought that sounded fine, she did need more. But then he said she came back with that I had accepted her and she was old enough for sex.
I am pretty sure we all knew that. Not everyone liked it, but we all knew it. She'd been defending our relationship for a while now. She's 22, yep that's right. She's with someone who cares about her, uh-huh that's me. She hasn't been a virgin since her time with Bastion, don't wanna hear that. But we agree, she's old enough and we care about each other. I am not going to declare myself in front of an audience though, so I just walk away.
She knows how I feel. Or at least she did. Now I'm not so sure. I mean I hurt her. I am pretty sure she'd say everthings fine, but I did it. And again I wonder if I am good enough for her.
I still feel if I had farmed her out when she was thirteen, she'd be livin a happy normal life out there somewhere. I believe that. But I don't think I can let her go. I am happier with her than I can ever remember being, but can I live with the chances to her life? Especially when those chances are her bein' with me? I had to think.
After a couple days, I knew I couldn't think there. So I did something I had never done before. I went to her room. That night I wiped the fear from her eyes. I took all night and I'm sure we made enough noise to get some ribbing the next day, but for once I didn't care. I wanted my girl to know I loved her more than anything. Neither of us said it, but we knew. Or I thought we did.
But I needed to think about us away from this place. And I think she needed to let me go for awhile. Chuck was right, the way she was going wasn't healthy. I wasn't going to give her up, but I could take a step back for a time. A short time. I told her that, and that I was going to my cabin and would only be gone three weeks. I knew I couldn't stay away any longer than that.
I got on my Harley and went up to my cabin. Leavin' her was the hardest thing I can remember doing in a long time. She wasn't a kid anymore, and I knew it hurt her. But we both needed to think.
Course, all I could think about was how much I wanted to be with her. But I had to push past that. I forced myself to think about her like I did when she was a kid. That's when I realized even then I had to force myself to think of her AS a kid. Hey! I didn't mean sexually, just not as a kid.
Like I said, even when she was thirteen I didn't think of her as a kid. She was just a small person. Or a big person in a small body. Whatever. God, even her vocabulary has become part of me. I used to have to make myself remember she was a kid. She was my partner, my friend. Yeah, I have other friends, but she was different. She always had been and I think I was always just waiting for her to grow-up. Then I didn't realize right away when shedid grow-up. It snuck up on me.
She's real smart, ya know. Guess she knew when the time was right. But we had waited so long we didn't handle it well. Or maybe I didn't handle it well. So during those three weeks, I resolved we'd take a step back and then do things right. We'd go out, and, well, dothings like, uh, normal people did. Whatever that was.
But when I got back she was gone. I didn't go berzerk and start breaking things. Yeah, I know it seems out of character, but I knew there would be a message. She's not me. She wouldn't want me to worry. I even knew where it would be. She always puts things for me under my pillow. She has other hiding places but when she wants me to have something right away she puts it under my pillow. Okay, so its corny. But when she started it, she was about fourteen, so get over it. I had to.
Wolvie,
When I was a child and you left I would be devasted. I don't know who all knew,
but no matter what it looked like all I was doing was waiting for you to come back.
When I went to school I waited for you to visit or for me to be allowed to visit
you. When I went to college I worked like mad to able to go back to you.
It seems all my life I have been waiting to be grown-up enough to be with you.
I'm sorry. I can't stay here with you gone. I can't stay here and go back to being
without you, even without you with you HERE. I waited too long for you.
I understand you don't love me. That's not right. You just don't love me the same
way I love you. But I can't help loving you. All I have wanted for so long was to be
with you. I have trouble with just the thought of letting you go. If that is what you
want I can do it. But not and stay here.
So I'm leaving. I'm not going to tell you where I'm going. Its not like no one can find
me if they want to.
I am so sorry. Sorry I love you. Sorry you don't love me. Just sorry.
Please don't worry about me. I've been on my own a long time and can take care of myself.
Jubilee
There was more here and there, probably alot more. But those are the words that stuck in my mind. It struck me as funny. I had just come back from realizing almost the same things she's always known. I had been waiting for her to grow-up. Or at least get old enough. Most of the fun of her comes from her being immature, and most of that is on purpose. She doesn't think I know that, but I always did.
I resolved to give her time. She needed to find herself. Maybe she always did. I knew she could take care of herself. She always could. Its just that I wanted to take care of her.
So I didn't go after her. I sent others instead. They were worried about her too so that worked out. They came back saying she was fine.
That didn't sound right so I sent the big guns. Charles and Jean. They said they thought she was suicidal. My girl? I sat back and thought about that. I didn't want to. I wanted to go to her. I didn't. I sent the others again. I wanted to let her know, even if I wasn't there, that she wasn't really alone.
Months went by. How much time was I supposed to give her? Charles and Jean were really worried. Remy and Storm said they thought she was drinking. If big guns weren't enough it was time to get out the smaller but more effective ones.
I sent Emma. She didn't want to go. She said the girl was probably getting on with her life without me. I asked her if she ever had before. Emma looked me in the eye and said she had always been waiting. Told ya she was more effective. So she went.
She'd moved again. It was real frustrating when she did that. I'd send someone to check on her and they'd come back saying she wasn't there. Had to search for her. I wonder if she did it just to see if we would. Shoulda seen Cyke go on all alert the first time. If I hadn't been so freakin' out of my mind with worry myself, I would of laughed at him.
I don't think she understands how much she means to everyone. Bobby doesn't play nearly as many jokes. Or maybe just not on me. Course it's usually the girls he plays prank on anyway, so what do I know? Remy and Storm both look like they're thinking more than usual, Rogue gets a sad look on her face when she looks at me. Jeannie and Cyke have each other, so its not as bad for them. Chuck keeps telling me to give her time and to let her come back on her own. But I know, I read her letter, she's not coming back on her own. So I wait for Emma.
Emma admits the girl is drinking. She's got suicidal thoughts, just like the others said, but she's doing well and she won't kill herself. Emma said she's waiting. I asked if she's waiting for me and she wasn't sure. So I ask her why she's sure she won't kill herself. She looks real surprised by the question. Then gives me that look again and says she won't do it because she knows I would find out and be hurt. I would be hurt? She'd be DEAD! And the only reason she doesn't kill herself is because of me! All right, time to get her.
She's gone again. I almost killed some guy in Georgia. He was looking for her too. Said she was his girl and she's gone. I flash my claws at him and tell him she's MY girl and if she's gone its not gonna take long to find her. I tell him my name when he asks and he gives me a look and goes away. Think he's heard of me?
It took me awhile, but I figure I gotta give her more time. Again. How much does time she need? I'm hell to live with, I know. Everyone tiptoes around me. Remy says I should track her down and have it out. Cyke looked me right in the eye and said how he didn't let Jean go, she was taken from him. I know they're right, but do I have the right? I mean she's out of our mess and she wasn't there when I went after her. I am a great believer in fate. She wasn't there, so its not meant to be.
Few weeks later, I can't stand it anymore and I send out Rogue. She comes back talking about how the girl is in Oklahoma and living with a whole group of people and maybe we've all been replaced. I don't think anyone liked the thought of that. I been spending most of my time outside when we're not on a mission. Or in her room. Storm wanted to clean it out and I wouldn't let her. I sleep there alot. I have trouble facing my room since we spent most of our time together there. At least I can smell her in her room.
It took a long time, but I finally got so the first thought in my head in the morning and the last thought at night isn't her. Don't get me wrong, I still think about her, but I just make an effort to think about other things too. A big effort.
But I can only last so long. I send Remy this time. I figure she's probably moved again by now. He comes back saying how the whole group moved. Seems to run a bar together. What's with her and bars? But I know what, and I feel guilty cause I took her to bars since I first knew her. Hey, its not the same in Europe as it is here. I couldn't leave her alone, she was too beautiful even as a kid. Having a friend who's a waitress at a bar didn't help either.
It sounds like she really is moving on, but I can't take being without her anymore and decide I'll go and look, but not actually talk to her.
And... she's gone. Everyone there's all sad about it because some jerkface asked her to marry him and she just left. When they find out who I am, there are mixed reactions among them. The guys all nod like they get it. The girls got a little freaky though. One actually tried to attack me. Seems to be jerkface's sister and says the only reason she wouldn't marry him was because of me. Now I haven't seen her in a long time and that gives me some real hope.
But she's gone again and I figure oughta let her settle or I'll be on a wild goose chase.
Another month goes by, and I figure enough is enough, and I send Storm out again. You know, I say I'm sending them, but I'm really begging. They usually don't want to go. I don't blame them after all these chases and disappointments. They've gotten that they go just because it calms me down to hear about her. I don't think I could handle it if I went and I found her living with some jerk. I don't know what I'd do. So I send someone else.
Remy tried to get me to go out and get laid once, to work out my frustrations, but I don't want anyone but her. And its been a long time.
Storm comes back said she seems sad and lonely. Drank up news from home. Then she looks at me and says I look the same and I should bring our girl home. Everyone else has said the same thing. I should go get her. Then Storm says SHE had a nightmare while she was there and called for me in her sleep, she said it wasn't the same kind she'd had before. That's probably how all those people knew who I was.
I realize its been a whole year, and if it hasn't been enough time, it was too damn bad. I wasn't waiting anymore. So I go to my room and pack, I realize I hadn't left and gone off on my own in a long time. Because I didn't want to be on my own, I wanted to be with her.
I called a meeting to let everyone who cares about her know what I intend to do. I thought I owed it to them since they've put up with me and they worry about her too.
Cyke offers to take me to Texas in the Blackbird. I thought it sounded like a fine idea but I was coming home the long way. If she comes with me, we'll have some alone time together. If not, I'll need time alone.
He shrugs and says anything she wanted to bring back could go back with him in the Blackbird and we could come home however we wanted. He seems to have no doubts about her answer. I think we're going to get along fine from now on. Especially when Emma objects and he overrules her and saying it's been long enough. Everyone else nods agreement and tells me to give her their love.
Well, maybe I will, after I give her mine.
end part 2
note:
Huntress-X - Thanks! How's this?
Sabeybaby - Did I mention I was depress when I wrote this? I cried while typing. Especially part 1.
I try to keep my bio updated on what I'm doing, but lets just say I'm on meds right now. So if it's not quite edited right that's why. If I get reviews about it I'll pull it and fix the problems. But it was the meds that made me post it in the first place, so it's all good. Right now everythings good.
Please tell me what you think of it. (How do I know how I'm doing if you don't?)
Thanks for reading,
Dizi
