Just Lose It- Eminem (Hogwarts Version)

(A/N: This song fic has been modified for the Hogwarts Version. Hope you enjoy it.)

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts." Dumbledore paused, and his face radiated honest joy. "Today we have a special performance for you. Instead of singing the usual school song, today, we are going to have a performance by the Potions Master. I encourage all of you who know this song to join in."

"Performance by Snape?" Ron muttered. "I'd prefer to eat Hippogriff dung."

"How bad can it get?" asked Harry.

Severus Snape walked in. He looked extremely weird, with a monkey cap on and instead of robes, he was wearing a loose jacket and long pants. He looked like one of those punk rappers….rappers? thought Harry.

The lights focused on him.

"Hit it!" he yelled. Professor McGonagall and Flitwick hopped out to the dance floor. Snape began to sing.

"Ok..

Guess who's back?

Back again

Snape is back

Tell a friend

Whoaaaaaaaa!" he yelled.

"Now everyone report to the dance floor

To the dance floor, to the dance floor

Now everyone report to the dance floor

Alright Stop!...Pajama time!" came Flitwick.

Verse 1

"Come here little kiddies, On my lap

Guess who's back with a brand new rap?

And I don't mean rap as in a new case of child vesticulation accusation

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

No worries, papa's got a brand new bag of toys

What else could I possibly do to make noise?

I done touched on everything, but little boys," sang Snape. The lights were dim and everyone was clapping to the beat. All the first years shuddered. "He doesn't touch anything but little boys?" one whispered loudly.

"That's not a stab at Michael," he continued.

"That's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho

I go a little bit crazy sometimes

I get a little bit out of control with my rhymes," he said. The first years heaved a sigh of relief.

"Good God, dip, do a little slide

Bend down, touch your toes and just glide

Up the center of the dance floor

Like TP for my bunghole

And it's cool if you let one go

Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it?

Give a little "poot poot", it's OK!"

A loud ripping noise shook the students from their fake attention. "What the hell was that?" Ron inquired. "No idea, but smells foul." Replied Harry.

"Dammit, someone just had a somersaulted burp!" shouted Colin Creevey.

"Somersaulted burp?" Hermione asked.

Ron made a face and described it.

"Oh, that," said Hermione. Disagreement was written all over her face. Snape continued to sing, or rap, to the tumultuous applause.

"Oops my CD just skipped,

And everyone just heard you let one rip

Now I'm gonna make you dance

It's your chance

Yeah boy shake them hands

Oops I mean girl girl girl girl

Girl you know you're my world," he stopped. McGonagall, who had been doing some exaggerated movements with Flitwick, stopped too.

"Here comes the big one," muttered Hagrid.

"Alright now lose it

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Just lose it

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Go crazy

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Oh baby

(HA-HA)

Oh baby, baby

(HA-HA),"

"I hate to think what's next. It's completely obsene." Harry said quietly. But his words were lost on the crowd. They were all idol worshipping Snape. It was a good performance. Snape looked just like Eminem, the Muggle rapper….Eminem? Harry thought again. "Of course," Harry said, thinking to himself. "He's acting like the Muggle rapper. I like his songs," said Harry, and knowing what came next, he sang along.

"It's Friday and it's my day

Just to party all the way to Sunday

Maybe till Monday, I don't know what day

Every day's just a holiday

Cruising on the freeway

Feeling kind of breezy

Got the top down, lettin' my hair blow

I don't know where I'm goin'

All I know is when I get there

Someone's gonna" He stopped. "Flitwick!" he said with his usual tact. Flitwick, who was waltzing with McGonagall, said, "Touch my body…………"

"Now that, was— " Harry began, but Fred Weasley finished it for him. "Obsene," he said, his voice strut-like. Snape wasn't finished.

"Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk

But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work

Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair?

Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out? (Yeah)," he rapped.

"Now, what's your name girl?

What's your sign?" he asked Flitwick, instead of McGonagall. Had this been real life, he sure would have been slapped so hard the mark would have remained.

Flitwick began to sing.

"Man, you must be up out your mind!"

Snape looked genuinely shocked.

"FLIT! (HA-HA)

Beer Goggles! blind!

I'm just trying to unwind !"he said, shocked

"Now I'm gonna make you dance

It's your chance

Yeah boy shake them hands

Oops I mean girl girl girl girl

Girl you know you're my world

Alright now lose it

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Just lose it

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Go crazy

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Oh baby

(HA-HA)

Oh baby, baby

(HA-HA)"

It's not half bad, thought Ron. He tried to sing it too, with help from Harry.

"It's Tuesday and I'm locked up

I'm in jail and I don't know what happened

They say I was running bout' naked

Down the street screaming

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Well I'm sorry, I don't remember

All I know is this much

I'm not guilty

They said, "Save it, boy we gotcha you on tape

yellin' at an old lady 'touch my body!"

"That was sick," began Hermione, but soon even she was singing along. It was a contagious song.

"Now this is the part where the rap breaks down," sang Snape. "Damn," said Colin again. Snape wasn't done yet, no sir.

"It gets real intense, no one makes a sound

Everything looks like it's 8 Mile now

The beat comes back and everybody lose themselves

Snap back to reality

Look it's B.Rabbit!

Yo you signed me up to battle?

I'm a grown man!

Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie

I don't have any lines to go right here so, chubba teletubbie!

Fella's (WHAT!) Fella's (WHAT!)

Grab the left one, make right one jealous (what?)" he stopped to let it sink in.

"That wasutterly sick, that was disgusting," said the trio, with the rest of the Hall. Snape found it amusing. "Thank you," he said and he continued.

"Black girls

White girls

Skinny girls

Fat girls

Tall girls

Small girls

I'm callin' all girls!" he said, and at that moment, god knows how many girls from all years ran to him and nearly drowned Snape. Poor Snape choked out the next couple of lines.

"Everyone report to the dance floor

It's your chance for a little romance whore

Spell shooting, 'tis not ceasing

Just go (HA-HA-HA-HA)

It's so appealing'", he wheezed. The girls ran back to their seats, disappointed.

"Now I'm gonna make you dance

It's your chance

Yeah boy shake that hands

Oops I mean girl girl girl girl

Girl you know you're my world

Alright now lose it

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Just lose it

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Go crazy

(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

Oh baby

(HA-HA)

Oh baby, baby

(HA-HA)"

"UmMmMmm touch my body

UmMmMmm touch my body

Ooh boy just touch my body

I mean girl just touch my body……….." Snape left the sentence hanging…..and the Great Hall clapped appreciatively.

"Thank you very much! I liked the responsive audience." He said, before going back to the teacher's table.

"Now as I was saying," Dumbledore began, "To all the first years, the Forbidden Forest is ……….." he continued.

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other and muttered one sentence.

"That was good."

THE END