Just Lose It- Eminem (Hogwarts Version)
(A/N: This song fic has been modified for the Hogwarts Version. Hope you enjoy it.)
"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts." Dumbledore paused, and his face radiated honest joy. "Today we have a special performance for you. Instead of singing the usual school song, today, we are going to have a performance by the Potions Master. I encourage all of you who know this song to join in."
"Performance by Snape?" Ron muttered. "I'd prefer to eat Hippogriff dung."
"How bad can it get?" asked Harry.
Severus Snape walked in. He looked extremely weird, with a monkey cap on and instead of robes, he was wearing a loose jacket and long pants. He looked like one of those punk rappers….rappers? thought Harry.
The lights focused on him.
"Hit it!" he yelled. Professor McGonagall and Flitwick hopped out to the dance floor. Snape began to sing.
"Ok..
Guess who's back?
Back again
Snape is back
Tell a friend
Whoaaaaaaaa!" he yelled.
"Now everyone report to the dance floor
To the dance floor, to the dance floor
Now everyone report to the dance floor
Alright Stop!...Pajama time!" came Flitwick.
Verse 1
"Come here little kiddies, On my lap
Guess who's back with a brand new rap?
And I don't mean rap as in a new case of child vesticulation accusation
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
No worries, papa's got a brand new bag of toys
What else could I possibly do to make noise?
I done touched on everything, but little boys," sang Snape. The lights were dim and everyone was clapping to the beat. All the first years shuddered. "He doesn't touch anything but little boys?" one whispered loudly.
"That's not a stab at Michael," he continued.
"That's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho
I go a little bit crazy sometimes
I get a little bit out of control with my rhymes," he said. The first years heaved a sigh of relief.
"Good God, dip, do a little slide
Bend down, touch your toes and just glide
Up the center of the dance floor
Like TP for my bunghole
And it's cool if you let one go
Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it?
Give a little "poot poot", it's OK!"
A loud ripping noise shook the students from their fake attention. "What the hell was that?" Ron inquired. "No idea, but smells foul." Replied Harry.
"Dammit, someone just had a somersaulted burp!" shouted Colin Creevey.
"Somersaulted burp?" Hermione asked.
Ron made a face and described it.
"Oh, that," said Hermione. Disagreement was written all over her face. Snape continued to sing, or rap, to the tumultuous applause.
"Oops my CD just skipped,
And everyone just heard you let one rip
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake them hands
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world," he stopped. McGonagall, who had been doing some exaggerated movements with Flitwick, stopped too.
"Here comes the big one," muttered Hagrid.
"Alright now lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Just lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Go crazy
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Oh baby
(HA-HA)
Oh baby, baby
(HA-HA),"
"I hate to think what's next. It's completely obsene." Harry said quietly. But his words were lost on the crowd. They were all idol worshipping Snape. It was a good performance. Snape looked just like Eminem, the Muggle rapper….Eminem? Harry thought again. "Of course," Harry said, thinking to himself. "He's acting like the Muggle rapper. I like his songs," said Harry, and knowing what came next, he sang along.
"It's Friday and it's my day
Just to party all the way to Sunday
Maybe till Monday, I don't know what day
Every day's just a holiday
Cruising on the freeway
Feeling kind of breezy
Got the top down, lettin' my hair blow
I don't know where I'm goin'
All I know is when I get there
Someone's gonna" He stopped. "Flitwick!" he said with his usual tact. Flitwick, who was waltzing with McGonagall, said, "Touch my body…………"
"Now that, was— " Harry began, but Fred Weasley finished it for him. "Obsene," he said, his voice strut-like. Snape wasn't finished.
"Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk
But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work
Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair?
Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out? (Yeah)," he rapped.
"Now, what's your name girl?
What's your sign?" he asked Flitwick, instead of McGonagall. Had this been real life, he sure would have been slapped so hard the mark would have remained.
Flitwick began to sing.
"Man, you must be up out your mind!"
Snape looked genuinely shocked.
"FLIT! (HA-HA)
Beer Goggles! blind!
I'm just trying to unwind !"he said, shocked
"Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake them hands
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Just lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Go crazy
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Oh baby
(HA-HA)
Oh baby, baby
(HA-HA)"
It's not half bad, thought Ron. He tried to sing it too, with help from Harry.
"It's Tuesday and I'm locked up
I'm in jail and I don't know what happened
They say I was running bout' naked
Down the street screaming
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Well I'm sorry, I don't remember
All I know is this much
I'm not guilty
They said, "Save it, boy we gotcha you on tape
yellin' at an old lady 'touch my body!"
"That was sick," began Hermione, but soon even she was singing along. It was a contagious song.
"Now this is the part where the rap breaks down," sang Snape. "Damn," said Colin again. Snape wasn't done yet, no sir.
"It gets real intense, no one makes a sound
Everything looks like it's 8 Mile now
The beat comes back and everybody lose themselves
Snap back to reality
Look it's B.Rabbit!
Yo you signed me up to battle?
I'm a grown man!
Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie
I don't have any lines to go right here so, chubba teletubbie!
Fella's (WHAT!) Fella's (WHAT!)
Grab the left one, make right one jealous (what?)" he stopped to let it sink in.
"That wasutterly sick, that was disgusting," said the trio, with the rest of the Hall. Snape found it amusing. "Thank you," he said and he continued.
"Black girls
White girls
Skinny girls
Fat girls
Tall girls
Small girls
I'm callin' all girls!" he said, and at that moment, god knows how many girls from all years ran to him and nearly drowned Snape. Poor Snape choked out the next couple of lines.
"Everyone report to the dance floor
It's your chance for a little romance whore
Spell shooting, 'tis not ceasing
Just go (HA-HA-HA-HA)
It's so appealing'", he wheezed. The girls ran back to their seats, disappointed.
"Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake that hands
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Just lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Go crazy
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Oh baby
(HA-HA)
Oh baby, baby
(HA-HA)"
"UmMmMmm touch my body
UmMmMmm touch my body
Ooh boy just touch my body
I mean girl just touch my body……….." Snape left the sentence hanging…..and the Great Hall clapped appreciatively.
"Thank you very much! I liked the responsive audience." He said, before going back to the teacher's table.
"Now as I was saying," Dumbledore began, "To all the first years, the Forbidden Forest is ……….." he continued.
Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other and muttered one sentence.
"That was good."
THE END
