pt 3 Ties that Bind
I had to get away.
Just being in the same room with him was dangerous for me. No, re-phrase that, us.
If I didn't walk away then and there, I would have caved in and got us into more trouble. Taking a deep breath I kept walking down the hall.
Walking back into Cassie's room, I stopped by her bed. Sitting on the edge, I picked up her hand. She looked so peaceful, but I knew better. I knew what she was feeling, having gone through the same pain myself all those years ago.
Opening her eyes she whispered. "Sam?"
I answered. "I'm here Cassie. Get any sleep?"
"No. Each time I close my eyes, it feels like a bad dream and that its not real. I think Mom will be coming through the door and telling me its time to get up for school."
Closing her eyes, I could see she was trying to stop her tears from coming. Squeezing her hand, I responded.
"I wish this was a dream and we could all wake up and your mom was still here. But, as hard as it is right now, it will get better, I promise."
"Oh Sam! I don't know what I'm going to do," Cassie whimpered, burying her head back into her pillow. I drew closer and gathered her into my arms.
"Cassie, you have people that love you and will never leave you. Teal'c, Daniel, Jack, General Hammond and me. We love you and we promised your mother we would look after you.
"I know it feels like the end of the world, Cassie. When my mom died, I felt like I would never get over the hurt I was feeling, like there was no relief to the pain in my heart. It took a long time to feel normal again, but with the help of my dad and Mark, I got through it. Even now, I still feel the sadness of not having her around, but it's not as bad now because I have you and the guys to help cheer me up when I'm feeling like that."
Speaking to Cassie, I knew it was making her see that she would not have to face this devastating loss alone. I saw the door open wider and looked up to see Jack watching us.
I wondered how much he had heard. Just having him being here was helping me to deal with the loss. I knew he had just wanted to make sure we were alright. I gave him a half smile while trying not to let my tears fall. Cassie felt his presence too. She turned and tried to smile, but failed miserably.
Cassie muttered softly. "Uncle Jack? Why did it have to be my mom?"
Jack looked lost at how he was he going to answer. Moving closer to the bed, he motioned for me to move over and put his arms around her.
"Cassie, I don't know why your mom was the one to die. If I could change what happen, if I could trade places with her, I would. You don't deserve to grow up without a mother. I'm sorry it happened Cassie. Just remember that I will be here for you. Never doubt that. We'll take care of you, Cassie. It's what family does."
As he gave her a tight hug, I knew how it felt to be held in those arms, to feel safe, secure, knowing that was the best medicine Jack O'Neill could give. Jack looked at me. I tried to look away because I didn't want him to see me crying. I had to be the good soldier and stay strong. I couldn't show weakness.
Trying to stand, I was stopped abruptly by Jack grabbing my hand and squeezing it.
"Cassie," Jack continued, still holding my hand. "This feels like the worse thing in the world right now. You feel like this hurt will go on forever. But give it time. With help from friends and family it will become more bearable, even tolerable. I'm not saying you'll forget this pain, but it will become easier. You have to let it all out; don't hold anything in. If you need to talk, you have lots of ears to listen to you. But, I want you to know how much you are loved by me, by Sam, by all of us.
Cassie asked, "Do you promise Jack? Do you promise this pain, this emptiness I feel in my heart will go away? That I'll be back to normal again? I don't even know if what I was doing before would be considered normal."
Jack sighed, "I know it will take time Cassie. You lost one family before we even knew you, and you were lucky enough to find another one. You can never replace your mother or your adopted mom. Your mom was a special person who loved you very much. She was so proud of you. She has made you the young lady you are today. I know you're strong and that you will get through this. Your adopted family will never leave you Cassie."
Cassie shook her head. "But, that's not true Jack! Your lives are in danger every time you go through that gate."
"It's what we do Cassie. If we didn't fight the Goul'd then Earth would be over run like your planet and countless others. I know I shouldn't promise you that nothing is going to happen to us, but I swear to you one of us will always be here for you."
That comment hit me like a ton of bricks.
Cassie was right, we risk our lives every time we walk through that gate. We don't think of the consequences that come with being a member of SG1. We don't think of the people we leave behind. I tensed and tried to move again, but Jack didn't release my hand.
Our luck had run out. Janet was the first casualty in our family. We had all died or had been presumed dead before, but Janet was dead. No Sarcophagus could help this time. She was gone, and we were here to pick up the pieces of a poor girl's broken heart and that of ours.
Cassie turned around and asked, "Do you promise me you'll always be here Sam?"
Taking a deep breath, I answered. "What we do is important Cassie. We're trying to save people from the Goa'uld and to defend our own planet. You have to understand that we are as careful as possible, but there's always a possibility something will go wrong. Like the Colonel said, and I'll promise you this as well. There will always be one of us here for you."
Cassie looked down. I knew that wasn't what she wanted to hear.
"Cassie, I was there when your mom..." Cassie looked up. "Do you know what she was most concerned about?" Nodding her head no, I continued. "She wanted me to promise her that we would take care of you, that we wouldn't let anything happen to you, and to tell you that she loved you very, very much, and she was sorry."
Cassie asked, "Sorry for what?"
Swallowing my tears, I whispered. "Sorry for leaving you after she promised she would always be here. Cassie, what I'm trying to say is that things happen that sometimes we have no control over. And, you have to understand that we will do everything in our power to always be here for you.
Like Jack said, your mom was an extraordinary person, friend and mother. She was always concerned for others and would always be there when I needed a shoulder or just an ear to listen to me.
Cassie smiled. "Yeah, she was always like that, always concerned for others, especially you guys. She was always worrying what new broken bone or ailment you guys would show up with. I knew I wouldn't see her for days if one of you guys were in the infirmary.
I realized that I was still holding Jack's hand and reluctantly let go. I got up. "I think you should get some sleep. It's almost light outside and I think your gonna need it. It's going to be a long day."
"Where are you going Sam?" Cassie asked with curiosity.
"I have some loose ends I have to take care of. Sir, would you mind staying with Cassie while I do my errands?"
"That's a good idea, but I think both of you should get some sleep before you start your day."
"Sir, really I need to contact the SGC and.. "
Jack raised his hand to stop me from going on. "Do I need to make this an order, Major? I know you haven't slept and I'm sure these loose ends could wait till later."
"I'm not really tired and there's nothing in my refrigerator that's edible. I wanted to go to the market."
"I'll do it. You two try to sleep. I'll be back and you two had better be fast asleep when I get back. No ifs, andsor buts about it. Do I make myself clear?"
Cassie and I looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
"Okay girls, get into bed and I'll tuck you in."
"Sir, I don't think we need to be tucked in."
Cassie put her hand over my mouth. "Sam, speak for yourself."
I smiled and Jack laughed. "I can make this a new tradition when ever you stay at my place. Okay you two, no more talking and I hope I don't have to strap you in. Major, I'll be back. Anything in particular you want from the store?"
"I'm out of Fruit Loops and milk, so you better pick some up. Other than that, surprise me.
After he left the room, I tried to get some sleep, and it seemed easier that I thought, knowing that when I woke up Jack would be here.
To be continued
