Ties that bind Pt6
On the way to Daniel's, I tried thinking of ways to explain what had happened last night, since I didn't get to finish explaining over the phone.
How was I going to get Daniel to trust me again? Trust was important to Daniel, and if someone betrayed that trust, it was hard for him to not only forgive, but to forget. He was hurt by what had happened; I knew this. The two people in the world that he trusted completely had betrayed him. He had just asked me not to long ago if anything was going on between the Jack and I. He said I could trust him, that he would not tell anyone if there was something going on.
I couldn't bring myself to tell him that he was right, that Jack and I were, in a sense, involved. I wasn't ready to let anyone know what had been going on between us. So I looked him straight in the eye and said no, there was nothing going on.
He was not completely sure I was telling him the truth then, but he let it go because he trusted me, and if I said nothing was going on, then he believed me. Now here I am, driving to his house to pick up him and Teal'c, and I'm going to have to look him in the eye and try to explain to him exactly what the Jack and I have been doing for the past 4 years.
Had it been wrong to want to seek comfort from another human being? Why didn't I ask Daniel for comfort? Because he doesn't have brown eyes that make you forget your troubles, and though I love Daniel like a brother, and feel secure with him, I'm in love with Jack, and being in his arms is the safest place I know.
Sighing to myself, I keep replaying what happen last night. How could we have been so careless? We had everyone fooled. We knew it was dangerous, but still we continued to see each other. I needed him last night as much as he needed me. I was still in shock from having my best friend die in my arms and having Cassie cry and ask me how this could happen to her mother also tied my heart and stomach in knots.
But, being discovered wasn't part of the plan, and now I had to deal with the consequences. It just seemed like so much to deal with. That's why life to me gets so complicated. Give me a scientific problem and I'll find you a solution in no time flat. But, give me a problem that deals with every day life, and I'm no smarter than anyone else.
My stomach began to churn again. I shouldn't have eaten so much, but I didn't want the Colonel to think I didn't appreciate his cooking. I think I was eating just to give me enough strength for what I have to do today, and trying to get Teal'c and especially Daniel to forgive me was just some of those things that I will have to deal with.
My mind was working overtime. I knew I had to get a grip. This was not going to go away on it's own. I'm just hoping that we can work this out. I know Daniel wasn't himself last night. Drinking like a fish was never Daniel's way. I have never seen him so inconsolable. And, what he said to Cassie about how he wished that he had told Janet how he really felt about her, and how it was now too late.
I know that Janet had feelings for Daniel as well, but neither of them ever acted on them. That could be one reason why Daniel's so upset with us. We acted on what we felt for one another and they didn't.
We acted out of love, remembering what it had felt like to have him hold me and kiss me with the passion we both felt. Jack said it meant something to him, that this was not something to be ashamed of. Should I believe him? Maybe it was just the guilt of us being caught.
Oh Janet! I'm going to miss talking to you. You always had the answers for me.
Arriving at Daniel's, I made my way up to his apartment and knocked on the door.
Teal'c open the door. "Good Morning Major Carter. I hope you slept well."
"Hey Teal'c, I slept as well as could be expected. Did you get any rest?"
"It was difficult with Daniel Jackson. He continued to drink after we arrived here. He is taking this extremely hard. He was up most of the night pacing and talking."
"I bet I know what he was talking about," Sam sighed.
"When he finally did stop he became quiet ill, making several trips to the restroom. He finally fell asleep and we both awoke when Cassandra called. How is Cassandra?"
"As good as to be expected, Teal'c. We talked last night, and she's handling this better than I thought she would."
"She is a very wise and strong young lady and I am most assured that she will be able to survive this with our help."
"Where's Daniel?"
"He should be getting dressed. He asked me to make him some coffee and to see if there was anything edible to eat. I found bagels and cream cheese. I think that's all he can probably consume right now without getting sick again."
Nodding my head, I started with my apology to Teal'c.
"Teal'c, I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I was out of line."
Raising his hand, Teal'c said, "Major Carter you do not need to apologize to me. We all suffered a great loss in our battle with the Goa'uld yesterday. Janet Fraiser was my friend as well as yours, O'Neill's and Daniel Jackson's. She was very close to you, and I know that the loss of her life will affect you for quite sometime. We will all deal with loss in different ways. You and O'Neill dealt with it by comforting each other, Daniel Jackson with alcohol, and myself with meditation."
Taking hold of my arm, he continued. "Samantha Carter. You are human, and you dealt with your grief in the way you thought would help you the most. I know neither of you meant to hurt Daniel Jackson. Not by excluding him from knowing that you had been comforting each other. I know that he does not hold ill will for either of you. It was the alcohol that he consumed that made him so angry. I am proud to call you friend, and will stand by you and O'Neill. You have no need to apologize to me. Major Carter, it may seem that I do not understand your feelings, but I do "
Tears were brimming in my eyes. This gentle giant had so much wisdom in his words that I was speechless. I gave him a hug and whispered thanks for his understanding. If only Daniel would be so forgiving. I could only hope.
Letting me go, I followed Teal'c to the kitchen. He handed me a tissue and I wiped at my tears.
"I have been trying to reason with Daniel Jackson all evening and all morning, Major Carter, trying to get him to understand. He said that he had asked you and O'Neill if there was something going on, but that you were both adamant that nothing was going on. We know how much Daniel values trust, and he feels betrayed by the two people he trusts with his life. There is much more to this than he is willing to admit. I was there when he admitted to Cassandra Fraiser of his feelings for her mother. I think it stems from these feelings that he lashed out at both of you."
"I think your right Teal'c. I do feel at fault not telling you or Daniel that there was something going on. But, its not what he thinks."
"What is not what I think," Daniel said, walking straight to the coffee pot.
Looking up, I took a deep breath. "What's going on between Jack and I."
"Oh…I'm really not feeling up to talking about that right now, Sam. You know bigger things are going on. How is Cassie?"
Still feeling the coldness in his words, I let it go for now. "She's fine Daniel. She and Jack are on the way to the SGC. We'll meet up with them there." My stomach began to churn again and I could feel the urge to throw up. This was more of an effect than I wanted.
Seeing me pale, Teal'c asked, "Major Carter, are you alright?"
Waving him away, I said, "Yeah, Teal'c. I have an upset stomach. I'm feeling a little nauseas, that's all."
Daniel turned around, his tone full of disgust. "Oh my God! You're not pregnant are you?"
That was the last straw. I was in shock. My friend the man I considered my brother had crossed the line. I ran out of the kitchen and straight to the bathroom to rid myself of my breakfast.
Teal'c stood and glared at Daniel. "Daniel Jackson, of all the years I've known you, that is the most unfeeling thing you have ever said to Major Carter. She is your friend as well as mine. I will not stand by and watch you destroy this friendship. You are my friend, but if you ever speak this way to Major Carter again, I will not be able to control my actions."
"I didn't mean it, Teal'c." Daniel was just as surprised that he said what he did. Even before he finished his sentence, he knew that he had said too much. "God, I'm such a jerk! Sam needs me right now and I treat her like this."
Bringing his hands to his face, he got up and went in search of his friend, hoping that she would forgive him for being such an ass.
Standing in front of the bathroom door, he could hear Sam sobbing. Closing his eyes, he knocked. "Sam, its me, Daniel. Please open the door."
Hesitating, I opened the door and walked out. I wanted to get away from him. It was too much to deal with. Janet would understand. Walking to the living room, Daniel grabbed my arm and I yanked it away.
"Daniel, I'm through apologizing to you. Believe what you to, I don't care. Nothing happened, and if you really knew me, you would believe me."
"Nothing happened? You could have fooled me the way you two were dressed last night. You know, Sam, if you guys wanted to keep this a secret, I thought you would have been more careful. I guess your friends weren't important enough for you to let us know that you two had finally gotten together. I bet you didn't even tell Janet."
Looking at my face, he could see that I hadn't told Janet either. "I knew it! Your so called best friend didn't even know!"
"Stop it! I'm tired of fighting with you, Daniel. I messed up, okay? I should have told you and everyone, but there was nothing to tell, Daniel. That's what you don't get! We only comfort each other; it was never about sex."
Daniel sighed and stood, and walked over to me. Wiping my tears, he cupped my face. "Sam, a wise Jaffa told me that I should be happy that my friends could find comfort with one another, that if they did not want to share this bond with their friends, that I should be supportive. He said when the time was right, they would tell us. I said some really awful things last night, and especially today. I was mostly upset with myself. You and Jack had the courage to act on what you two feel for each other. I know its been building for years, but I guess that since I never acted on what I felt for Janet, you two were the next best thing to lash out at."
Giving me a hug, Daniel whispered. "Can you forgive me for what I said earlier? Honestly, just the look on your face was enough to make me believe that nothing really had been going on. I will still be your friend if you'll have me. I want us to help each other through this."
I held him tighter. "Oh Daniel! I'm sorry, I should have been more sensitive about your feelings. I wish I could have been there for you last night, but with all that went on, I let you slip through the cracks."
"Its not about me. It's about Cassie, and I think we'd better get going before a certain Colonel starts calling and wondering what I'm doing with his 2IC."
I nodded. "We're okay then, right? I mean, I did lie to you and tell you nothing was going on. I just wasn't ready to tell anyone. I was being selfish."
"Not selfish, just wanting to keep it to yourselves. I'll forgive you if you forgive me Sam. One thing I realized was that life's to short to hold grudges."
"Speaking of forgiveness, that does include Jack, right? I heard you too got into a little tussle in the kitchen."
"Yeah, after you left he insisted I apologize to you. With me being intoxicated, I think I believed I could really hurt him, so I hit him. Actually, I tried to hit him twice. I must have been suicidal. I've never seen him so angry. I thought I was going to be sent to the infirmary. Sam, he really does care for you. Look at my face. It's bruised. I bet he doesn't even have a mark on him."
"No, he doesn't. He's sorry he broke your glasses. He said he deflected your second punch and your glasses had fallen off in the scuffle."
"So that's what happen to them. Lucky I have extra pairs."
"I think we better get going. The sooner we get there, the sooner Cassie can start to heal. She needs all of us to get her though this."
Teal'c came in and picked up his jacket, making sure that I was okay. "Cassandra Fraiser will have all the support she will need from her SGC family. Of this I am certain."
The drive to the SGC was quick. As we pulled into the parking lot, I spotted the Colonel's truck.
Daniel looked at me and made sure I had stopped crying. "Sam, if you get out of this car with tears in your eyes, I'm afraid of what Jack will do to me. So make sure you smile and assure him that everything is okay."
I looked at Daniel. "Don't worry, Daniel. I think everything will be just fine."
Parking next to Jack's truck, Daniel and Teal'c stepped out. Cassie ran to Daniel's outstretched arms and he held her tight. I was still in the car watching them and didn't hear my door open.
"Are you okay?" Jack asked, watching me. "Or does Daniel need another lesson in manners?"
I turned towards him and got out of the car. Taking his hand, I told him that we had talked and that everything was okay for now. He smiled and squeezed my hand. "You have all of the men on SG-1 wrapped around your little finger."
I smiled at him. "I only need one." Squeezing his hand and not waiting for a response, I let go of his hand and walked over to Cassie to see if she was ready to go. Walking to the entrance of the base, I could see Daniel and the Colonel talking. That was a good sign that maybe we could get passed this and deal with our grief as one family.
To be continued.
