Ties That Bind pt 7
I never realized how cold these rooms could get.
I know that sounds stupid, butdo youreally sit around and wonderhow it gets so cold in a morgue. And then it hits you; it's cold for a reason: so that the human body doesn't decompose rapidly.
So here I sit in the cold next to my best friend and wonder why.
Why you, Janet? Why not me? It could have been me and the loss wouldn't have been so hard for everyone. Janet, you had Cassie.
Who did I have? My father, who I rarely see, and when I do, it's because the Tok'ra are in trouble and need our help. Mark and his family I see even less than my dad. My teammates? I know my loss would have affected them, but they would have coped.
The Colonel would probably have taken it hard, but he's trained to deal with death. So here I sit as my teeth begin to chatter, but I can't leave her alone in this cold and dark place.
I hold her hand and contemplate what she has asked me to do for her. How could she have so much faith in me? I don't know anything about raising children. Okay, Cassie is already grown, but she still needs guidance in her life. Look at me. I can barely take care of myself let alone another person.
I thought I could handle it, but I'm starting to feel that maybe Janet made a mistake. She must have seen something to have this much faith in me, but I don't know what that something was.
I've been here for a while. I needed to get away from everyone, so I came here. Like Cassie, I needed closure, and I wanted to let Janet know that I would do as she asked and take care of her daughter even though I felt I wasn't worthy of the trust she put in me.
We had arrived together at the SGC. We were here for Cassie. She had made a special request and she need us to carry it out. Walking into the SGC with her and seeing the effect that Janet's death had on the other personnel was heart wrenching.
Everyone who knew or had worked with Janet came up to Cassie to express his or her condolences. I could tell she was trying to handle being told how sorry they were for her loss and if there was anything they could do to just let them know. She grabbed my hand and looked over her shoulder to reassure herself that Daniel, Teal'c and the Colonel were there.
Reaching the elevators, she took a deep breath. "I didn't know Mom knew so many people," she said with regret in her voice.
"She was well liked by all Cassie. She was a big part of the SGC operations, and her death is a major blow to the program." Daniel said.
Nodding she tried to regain her composure. Squeezing her hand, I asked if she was okay and if she needed some time alone.
"No, having you guys here is making this easier. I don't think I can handle all these people coming up to me and expressing their condolences. It's a little overwhelming."
Daniel put his arm around her and gave her a hug. "We're not going anywhere, Cassie. If you want, we'll tell everyone to give you some space. They'll understand."
Cassie smiled. "Thanks Daniel. That might help".
The elevator stopped on the floor we needed and we all got out, heading towards General Hammond's office.
Arriving at the General's office, I knocked and waited for his invitation to enter. Walking in, General Hammond got up and gave us a smile as he walked towards Cassie.
Giving her a hug, the General asked, "Cassie, sweetheart, how are you doing? Did you sleep well?"
"Yes Uncle George, I got some sleep. I'm doing okay." Looking at the rest of SG-1, General Hammond could see that not much sleeping was done last night by any of them.
"Well I went ahead and took care of everything after I got the call from Jack. Cassie your mother is on another floor. Arrangements have been made, and you can go whenever you are ready."
Looking at SG-1, he continued. "We will discuss other arrangements and debrief after you return. There are some details that I need to clarify with you, Major Carter, and with you, Colonel O'Neill."
The Colonel nodded. "Yes sir, as soon as we are through we will return. Would you like us to come to your office or the briefing room?"
"The briefing room will be fine. I will see you all later."
Giving Cassie another hug and a kiss on her forehead, he left the room.
Taking a deep breath Cassie turned around. "I'm ready if you guys are." Taking Daniel's hand, she made her way out of the office. Teal'c followed as the Colonel and I took up the rear.
Walking down the hall we were stopped by more SGC personnel who wanted to give their condolences. Daniel and Jack did their best to divert as much of it away from Cassie as possible.
Teal'c and I decided to walk ahead of them, hoping to ward off any other potential concerned people. Doing our best to explain Cassie's wishes to anyone we saw, we waited for Cassie, Daniel, and the Colonel to catch up to us.
When they did finally join us, Daniel had his arm around Cassie and Jack was holding her hand. She looked frighten.
"What happen?" I asked.
Daniel looked at me. "One of the nurses had came up to us and proceeded to cry in front of Cassie. She said she was sorry for her loss and what a great doctor her mother had been."
I looked at Cassie. "I'm sorry Cassie. We tried to explain to everyone that you needed time and space. I'm sure she wasn't trying to upset you."
Cassie looked up. "I know Sam. It's just I'm trying to get myself prepared and I'm trying not to cry. She just caught me off guard. I'll be okay so long as you guys are with me."
We all reassured her that we would not leave her and that we would be with her every step of the way.
Getting off the elevator, Jack walked ahead to make sure everything was ready.
Dr. Mitchell, who was waiting for us in front of the morgue, greeted us. He said that if we needed anything to let him know.
Jack thanked him and we waited for Cassie to give us the indication she was ready to go in. Cassie stared at the double doors, knowing that her mother was on the other side. She looked so alone; even with us there, the emotions on her face portrayed her feelings well.
She turned and looked at us. "I thought I could do this. I'm scared, and I feel like I'm going to be sick".
Daniel put his arm around her and held her close. "You don't have to go in, Cassie. No one expects you to, least of all your Mom."
"I know Daniel, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left without saying goodbye. I have to do this. Honestly, who do I have left in this world? Mom has been a constant for most of my life, and now she's gone."
"You are never alone, Cassandra Fraiser. You have the support of all of us here. We will not abandon you in your time of need. Of this you can be certain." Teal'c moved to stand beside her, and reaching out, he took her hand.
"I couldn't have said it better Teal'c. Cassie you are a part of our lives and even if we have to remind you of that fact every day, we will. Never think that you are alone. We have a special bond that cannot be broken," Jack said.
I just stood there and watched as each of them let down their defenses and put away their grief to help this young girl cope with the loss of her mother.
Cassie was touched and smiled, giving each one of her honorary uncles a kiss on the cheek.
She took a deep breath. "I never said thank you for being here for me, did I? You will never know how much your support and love has helped me. I don't think I could have dealt with this without each of you there for me. With your help, I know I can do this. I owe it to her."
We walked in and immediately saw Janet lying on a table in the middle of the room.
Cassie whispered. "She looks like she's sleeping, almost like Snow White." Getting closer, she reached out to touch her. "She looks so peaceful".
We stood back. Daniel looked like he was going to lose it. The Colonel kept an eye on me. I could see that this was affecting him too, but keeping an eye on me seemed to be helping him. Teal'c moved ahead and stood behind Cassie.
Cassie grasped Janet's hand. "It's me Mom, and I'm here with Sam, Jack, Teal'c and Daniel. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be okay. I have all the support I need. You don't have to worry about me. You left me in good hands. I know how much you loved your job. You were saving lives when yours was taken. You were such a great mom; I wish I could have told you that more often. I never got to tell you how special you always made me feel. I'm going to miss that. Oh Mom! I'm going to miss you so much. But, I know you'll be here in my heart. I love you. I just needed you to know that. I may not have been the best daughter at times, but I wanted to tell you thank you for everything you did for me. I never said it enough while you were here. You can rest knowing that your daughter loved you and I will never forget you. You'll be in my thoughts everyday and in my heart forever."
My legs felt weak and the room started to spin. I felt like I couldn't breath. Hearing her say that to my best friend was heart wrenching. What a brave girl. I wish that I could have been that brave when my mother died. I was finding it difficult to breath when I heard a whisper from behind me.
"Sam, take a deep breath and exhale," Jack said.
I snapped out of my trance and almost fell. As he grabbed my elbow, I could see the look of concern on his face. I took another deep breath and tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"I'm okay, Sir, just a little shaken up."
He nodded. "I understand. Just remember to breathe. I need you to be here with me."
I looked over at Daniel and he seemed to be having the same trouble I was. Jack went over to reassure Daniel. I could see the tears streaming down Daniel's face. My heart went out to him. This was harder for him then all of us. Daniel always let his emotions show.
That's what made him Daniel.
I looked at Cassie and saw that Teal'c had moved to stand next to her. She was whispering, but I couldn't make out what she was saying.
Sensing me next to her, she turned and I could see the tears falling freely. I pulled her to my side and she started to sob. I held her in my arms tightly. "It's okay, Cassie, you did it. Your mom would be so proud of you." I knew this was true. Janet had raised one hell of a daughter. What made her think that I could look after her? I don't have a clue on how I'm suppose to make this work.
Feeling Jack behind me, I felt a little more secure. I looked at Janet. She did look peaceful. Not wanting to cry, I started to look around the room and noticed how cold and dark it was.
Cassie released me and walked over to Daniel, who was obviously very upset. Hugging him, she told him that it was going to be all right. Teal'c stepped away from Janet and went over to them.
There I stood next to my best friend and wondering why I had to leave her in such a dark and cold place. She deserved better than this. My lip started to quiver.
The Colonel came up to stand next to me and grabbed my hand.
"Cassie took Daniel outside. He's in bad shape. How are you holding up?'
Looking down at Janet, I didn't answer.
"Carter, talk to me."
"We left her alone here while we were…Oh my God! What must she think of me!"
He grabbed me by the upper arms and turned me towards him.
"I'm not going to let you feel guilty about that. Sam, listen to me. She is in a better place. You have to believe me. Don't do this to yourself; she wouldn't like it. You know I'm right."
I shook off his gripand walked out of the room. I needed space and I needed to think.
I made sure that Daniel and Cassie where all right and said I would meet them up at the briefing room. Walking to the elevator, I hoped that the Colonel would not follow me.
I could hear my name being called, but I kept walking. I needed to get out while I still could. Getting to the elevator I watched as it closed right as Jack got to it.
Collapsing against the wall, I started to cry. All the emotions I had been withholding were coming out. I was finding it hard to breathe and was making myself sick. The elevator stopped, and I ran out of it, almost running over Sgt. Siler and some other airmen. I just wanted to be alone.
I found the ladies room and barricaded myself in a stall to finish my crying. I don't know how long I had been sitting there, but suddenly I heard commotion coming from just outside the door. Someone walked in and called out to me.
"Major Carter? Are you in here?"
It was Lt. Anderson. I hesitated, but finally answered her.
"Major Carter, I have a frantic Colonel and a very distressed Jaffa threatening to storm in here in two minutes if you do not come out. I had to stop them from coming through the door."
Walking out of the stall, I told Lt. Anderson to tell them I'd be right out.
Washing my face, I tried to look somewhat normal but failed miserably. My eyes were swollen from my crying and lack of sleep. Taking a deep breath, I walked out of the restroom.
Jack came up to me without hesitation. "Carter! Don't ever do that to us again."
I told them that I just need space to regroup that I'm sorry that I left them. I then asked were Daniel and Cassie where.
Walking to the elevator, the Colonel said that they were in the briefing room and that was where we were heading. The elevator doors closed and I could feel the Colonel looking at me. With Teal'c in front of us, he reached out he grabbed my hand. I squeezed it back and tried to smile. The doors opened too soon, and we were forced to let go.
Arriving at the briefing room, we found Cassie seated next to Daniel. I walked over to her and she asked if I was okay.
"I should apologize to you. I'm sorry I left you alone back there. It won't happen again." I gave her a hug.
Cassie smiled at me. "You needed space. I understand. And you didn't leave me alone. I had Daniel with me. I was more concerned about you, so I sent theJack and Teal'c after you. We'll get through this together, Sam."
General Hammond walked in and asked Cassie if she could wait in his office. She asked about the arrangements for her mother's service and wanted to know if she could help with the preparations. He said that when the debriefing was over, he would talk with her about that.
The debriefing was short. We told him what had happened. General Hammond then brought out Janet's will naming me as guardian of Cassie, and if I was unable to fulfill this obligation, that either Daniel, or the Colonel would be the next choice. The rest was paperwork that the General had to fill out. He had one concern that had recently been pointed out to him. Since Cassie was never fully disclosed onreport as being from another planet, and since most of her records claimed she was from Canada, the NID had become curious as to why Cassie's guardianship was being given to Major Carter and not one of Janet's close relatives.
I was shocked. If the NID found out that Cassie was from another planet, what could they do to her? Legally, she had no living parent, but I was her guardian. What if they tried to take her away from me? My mind was reeling.
I would not fail Janet. I spoke up.
"I won't let them take her. She's been through enough already. If I have to, I'll quit the SGC and leave with her. I will not stand by and have her become a lab rat!"
"Major, like I said, it was something that was pointed out to me. My sources are working on this development as we speak. As soon as I know something, I will inform you. It could be nothing, so I don't want to see your letter of resignation on my desk. There are other ways to handle this."
The Colonel was upset and tried to keep his tone low.
"Sir, I agree with Carter. Could Cassie be taken away? Excuse my language, but it will be a cold day in hell before I let those NID people come near Cassie. I would retire too in order to protect her. I will not let them touch a hair on her head."
Daniel and Teal'c voiced their opinion as well, swearing the same allegiance to Cassie.
General Hammond looked at them. "I would be the first one to stand in the way of the NID. They will not get their hands on her. Like I said, there were some concerns about Cassie, but until I have cold hard facts, I want all of you to put this energy into helping Cassie. You have all done an exceptional job in helping her deal with her mother's death. Dr. Fraiser would be proud. She made the right choice in giving you guardianship of Cassandra."
Each of them nodded as Jack spoke up. "Until we have confirmation about what the NID has planned, let's not tell Cassie. She has enough to worry about. After the meeting, I'll make a few calls and see if I can dig anything up."
We all agreed as Cassie came back into the room. She sat down and asked General Hammond what the plans were for her mother's service.
After going over the arrangements, and with Cassie's input, it was decided that the service and burial would be held in two days, with the burial only for family and close friends. The service would be held in the Gate Room so that all her mother's co-workers could attend.
I was in knots by then and my nerves were shot. I was on edge with the knowledge that the NID were investigating Cassie. How was I going to protect her? I heard my name being called and looked up.
Daniel had asked me if I wanted some coffee. I nodded yes and he poured me a cup.
So Carter is that a good idea? I looked up, obviously distracted. "Could you repeat that?
The Colonel looked at me. "You and Cassie staying at my place. Danny and Teal'c will be there also. There's more room, and it would be wise considering all that's going on."
He didn't have to finish his sentence. I knew what he meant. Did he have no faith in me? Did he think that I couldn't take care of Cassie? I just stared at him. "Do you think it's not safe at my house?"
Daniel asked Cassie to go with him to the Commissary to get some sandwiches and drinks. They asked if we wanted anything, but the Colonel and I just continued to stare at each other.
"I take that as a no. We'll be right back." Cassie walked out, but before leaving too, Daniel looked at both of us. "Get this resolved before we get back. I know she's going to start drilling me for answers as soon as I walk out that door."
After the door closed, the Colonel finally spoke. "What is with you Carter? I thought we were going to be here for Cassie. We have to do what's best for her. If you'd been paying attention, you would have known there's a reason for me asking you two to stay with me."
"Okay, Sir, why? Do you think I'm not capable of protecting her? I'm also military. I would give my life for her safety."
"The reason why is because I want to have one of my old buddies set up an alarm system in your house. It will be state of the art, and give you peace of mind. I would never doubt your ability to keep Cassie safe, Carter. I was only concerned for the safety of both of you."
I nodded. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. It's just getting that information about the NID was upsetting. My mind is working overtime. I think it's an excellent idea. I will pick up some clothes and come over."
The Colonel smiled. "Good! That settles it. I will deal with the NID as soon as we know anything."
Daniel and Cassie walked back into the briefing room with a tray full of sandwiches and other food. We all took one and started to eat.
As Cassie finished, she spoke up. " I have another request for each of you. I want you all to speak at my Mom's service. I know it's going to be hard, but it's only right that her closest friends get to speak."
My throat closed up before I could let out the whimper of pain. I bit my lip and closed my eyes I could feel the room start to spin. How could she ask me to speak about her mother. The woman that should be alive right now and not in a morgue.
I put my sandwich down. I reached for my coffee and proceeded to spill it down my shirt. I did it on purpose because the room was beginning to close in on me, and I needed and excuse to get out of there.
I stood up and said I needed to change. Without waiting to be excused, I left the room and headed to the locker room. I also wanted some more time to myself. They would understand. I just needed sometime to think and to get my head straight. I passed the locker room and went were I knew I would be alone.
So that's why I'm sitting here with my best friend in this cold and dark room. I have to tell her that I'm sorry. That she hasn't even been gone for a day and I have already failed her daughter. My tears flow freely now since no one is here to see me cry. I ask her what am I going to do if they try and take Cassie from me? Can I really protect her? What happens to her when I'm off world? Who would protect her then? My mind was reeling with all these questions. I found myself wishing that I were lying there on that table instead of her.
"Get this Janet. She wants me to speak at your service." I had to say it aloud to her. What would I say about the most caring person I knew? There were no words. I felt a chill and touched my lips. They were as cold as I felt inside. I feel empty and frighten. What if I can't protect her? I shudder and question Janet's wisdom again in giving me the care of her daughter.
I don't notice someone had stepped into the room with me until they put a hand on my shoulder. I turn away not wanting them to see my tears.
"I found her. Let everyone know they can call off the search." The Colonel was speaking into his radio.
"I didn't know I was lost," I said, trying to be funny, but not getting the response I expected.
He put both of his hands on my shoulders.
"You had us all worried sick. You've been gone almost two hours. When you didn't come right back to the briefing room, Teal'c and I went in searching for you. Danny stayed with Cassie. We had everyone on the base looking for you, and when we didn't find you right away, I had to tell Cassie that you were called away on some problem with the Stargate. I didn't want to alarm her. Dammit Carter! You have to stop this taking off and not letting us know where you are going. I know this is hard for you. A lot has been thrown at you in these last few days, but I'm here for you. You don't have to face this alone. I don't want to lose you, and if you let your grief overtake you, it could happen."
I turned to face him and could see that he was scared. He had never seen me run away from anything, and I had run twice in one day. I stood up andtook his handto squeezed it.
He took it into both his hands and yelled.
"Carter, you're freezing! Have you've been here all this time?" Jack took off his jacket and put it over my shoulders. "It's time to go. Are you finished? If not, I'll wait with you until your ready to go."
He put his arm around my shoulder and I let my head fall under his chin. I didn't want to leave here. Here in his arms I was safe. I pulled away and answered him.
"I'm sorry I had you all worried. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I've already failed Janet. I'm not use to all of this. I'm usually in control, but since yesterday, I feel like all I've been doing is apologizing and making nothing but mistakes. It's hard not knowing what's going to happen. I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed."
"We will get through this, I promise. And let me worry about the NID. They will not take her from us, this I promise you. And you know I never break my promises."
I smiled at him. "I'm ready to go. Can you just give me another minute? I'll be right out."
Kissing me on my forehead, he went and did the same to Janet. "Don't worry, Doc. I'll take care of both of them." With that said he left me alone.
"Now you know why I love him so much Janet. He makes me feel like I could handle anything, and if he says he'll take care of us, he will. Goodbye my friend. I am going to miss you so much, but like your daughter said, you will be here in my heart."
I turned around and left, knowing that things would be alright as long as I had Jack by my side.
To be continued.
