Chapter 9
notes: please please please please review this if you read it. It only takes a couple of minutes and will bring a ray of sunshine into my world : )
Elrohir had seen most of this supposed insurrection. In his mind, they were all worthless, lowborn scum. He was trying very hard to curb that opinion, not least because to voice it here would get him killed. Although, they were not all bad men; some, like Belegtur, had gotten into one incident and had been since shunned. Of course, there were some far less savory characters. Elrohir steered clear of them as best he could.
"So, princeling, what do you think of us?" asked Belegtur.
"I don't think you'll win," said Elrohir honestly.
"And why would that be, princeling?" asked Belegtur menacingly.
"It's just that all of my father's men are trained warriors. A whole lot of them fought in the Last Alliance. Your men have no practical experience."
Belegtur nodded. "Okay, then princeling. You can teach my men to fight."
Elrohir raised an eyebrow. "And why would I do that?"
Belegtur drew a dagger. "Because if you do, my princeling, you might live after we kill the rest of your family."
Elrohir closed his eyes. He did not relish the thought of helping these elves to kill his own family and to kill those he cared about most. But part of him didn't want to die, either. And so maybe it was best to just go along with what Belegtur said and hope that everything would turn out alright. "Okay. I'll do it."
A messenger rode up, out of breath. Haldir frowned as he stepped forward. Celeborn was not one to exhaust messengers unless it was absolutely necessary. The hopelessly romantic part of his mind hoped that it was an apology from Celeborn. But his rational mind knew that Celeborn would not do that. "What is it?" asked Haldir.
"An urgent message from Lord Celeborn," the elf said.
Haldir fought the urge to roll his eyes at the elf's obvious gift for stating the obvious. "And what is the message?" he said, a little impatiently.
"Lord Celeborn requests that you return to him immediately."
Haldir swallowed. He had no idea what that summons pertained to. He knew that the note he had left Celeborn was rather harsh. He had not meant it to be at the time, but looking back, he could see that it had been. On the other hand, it could be something entirely different. "Okay." He had a lot of things to get ready, then. These patrols were not especially dangerous, but they still needed a good commander at all times. He had planned to be out here for a long time, and so he hadn't really appointed any to take his place.
By noon, he was ready to leave. He knew that he would return by nightfall, and that wasn't nearly enough time for Haldir to think of appropriate responses to anything that Celeborn might throw at him. So as he rode away from his men, he knew he had a more confused, thoughtful expression on his face than most of his elves had ever seen.
He took the time to change before he went to see Celeborn. The main reason for this was to give him just that little bit more time to sort out his thoughts. When he was changed into clean clothes, he sought Celeborn out and found him in his study. "My lord Celeborn," he said formally, stiffly, as he walked in.
Celeborn's head raised and he smiled a little. "Hello, Haldir."
"You told me to come urgently, my lord."
It hurt Celeborn that Haldir was being so cold towards him. He rose to his feet and said, "I need to explain myself, Haldir, and I understand that you're angry with me…"
"My lord, I had quite urgent duties on patrol, so unless this is some professional matter…"
"It is," said Celeborn. "Elrond has received word that he will soon come under siege from a group of rebels within his lands. He has asked us to send our best warriors. And I want you to go with them. And that's why…that's why I want to explain myself…in case something happens to you. I'm no idiot; I know that it could happen. And I couldn't stand for you to die without you hearing this."
"Hearing what?"
"That I love you. That I'm sorry that I shut you out. It was a really bad day and I shouldn't have done what I did. But I'm so used to just going within myself when I'm upset. It's been a long time since I've really opened up to anyone…it's just like second nature to me."
Haldir smiled a little. "That doesn't change anything. I've already broken up with you." He bit his lip, hoping that Celeborn would say something heartwarmingly romantic at this point.
Instead, he just nodded. "I know. But that…I wanted to try anyway. I wanted to know if there was something between us…or if it was just lust on both of our parts. When will you be ready to leave again?"
"Can I have a couple of days to relax?"
"There will be time to relax when all of this is over, Haldir."
Haldir nodded. "Okay. I could leave probably by the day after tomorrow." He turned to walk out of the room. He had hoped that this would be a reconciliation of some sort, but it seemed that really there were too many differences between them. That was upsetting. But, as Erestor had once told him, things happened and if you were to survive, you had to adapt.
Haldir looked up as the flap of the tent opened a little and he saw Erestor. "Come in," he said, smiling. He had been able to tell ever since he had seen Glorfindel that Erestor had been in an abusive relationship, emotionally if not necessarily physically, and that he had extremely low self-esteem. He was doing his best to change that, but it was becoming emotionally taxing on him as well. Erestor seemed very clingy, but Haldir didn't want to push him away. "Hey," he said. He had been intending to go to sleep, but now it appeared that he wouldn't be going to sleep anytime soon.
"I'm sorry to bother you…I can leave if you want me to," said Erestor hesitantly.
"No, no," said Haldir. "Sit down. What is it?"
Erestor sat down, hugging his knees to his chest. "I have been told that the past few battles have not gone in our favor…what if we lose this, Haldir?"
"We can't lose this, Erestor."
"I know…but what if we do?"
Haldir got up and moved over to Erestor. He pulled Erestor into his arms and kissed him on the forehead. He didn't want to get into any kind of sexual relationship with Erestor; being his friend was tough enough right now. They had slept together once, the night after Erestor had had that conversation with Glorfindel. It hadn't meant very much to Haldir, but he sensed that it had to Erestor. "Well, what do you know of battle strategy?"
"Well…I was a scholar before…I mean, a long time ago."
"A scholar of what?"
"War."
Haldir nodded. "So you think that you could help?"
"Maybe. Do you know who is in charge of our battle strategy?"
"Yes. Lord Elrond is."
Haldir watched as Erestor physically recoiled. "Maybe…he probably does not need my help."
"Why do you dislike Lord Elrond so much?"
Erestor pulled away from Haldir, and rose to his feet. "I should go…"
A part of Haldir wanted to let Erestor go. He knew that it would be a lot easier on him if he were just to abandon Erestor. But he couldn't convince himself to do so. Erestor was so fragile right now. "No. You aren't leaving tonight." He wanted to hit himself. He couldn't believe those words had come out of his mouth.
Erestor frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I think you know what I mean."
Haldir watched as Erestor studied him critically. "No, I don't think so," said Erestor.
Haldir was slightly annoyed now. "Why not?"
Erestor shrugged. "I don't want to make you feel responsible for me. I can take care of myself. I learned that the hard way."
"What do you mean?"
"Bad things happen. Unless you can learn to adapt, to change, you will never survive. I apologize for disturbing you, Haldir." He smiled and disappeared out of the tent.
Haldir did not see Erestor again for more than millennia.
Haldir shook his head. He didn't know why he could never completely banish Erestor from his mind. The Erestor he had met in Imladris had been just as little in control as the Erestor he had known during the Last Alliance. Haldir had just wanted to take care of Erestor, to make sure there was always a smile on his face, to make Erestor happy.
He knew now that Celeborn had been an Erestor substitute. There was lust between them, and a small degree of attraction, but not much more than that. Haldir knew that a relationship with Celeborn was unworkable. And it was best just to face that now, rather than trying to hang onto a dying, painful relationship. It was just more practical.
Elrond hadn't felt this alive in a very long time. Many people were afraid, but he wasn't. He knew that he wasn't afraid of anything, especially not this pathetic band of criminals. If they tried anything, Elrond knew that he could easily crush them. That really helped to keep him calm.
What also kept him calm was the thought that he would soon get Elrohir back. He could tell that Elladan wanted to help, too, and that pleased him. With Elladan, Glorfindel, and himself fighting, there would be very few elves that could overcome all three of them, if there indeed were any. Erestor the traitorous part of his mind thought. Elrond wasn't sure if Erestor would have been able to or not, but it would be close. But Erestor was long dead and so there wasn't anything he could do about that.
"Are we ready?" asked Elladan, appearing at the doorway.
Elrond smiled at his son. His son had never been in battle before, not really. Not that this was going to be a battle, but, gods willing, it would be the biggest one that his son would have to fight. A little nervousness was to be expected. "We're going to destroy them. We are better than they are."
"What about the elf that attacked me?"
"That was one elf. And there is Glorfindel and myself here. Both of us are better with a sword than you are and I doubt that this elf is better than us." Elrond shrugged. "But I really don't think that it's going to be a big problem."
Elladan nodded. "What if one of us gets killed?"
Elrond smiled, but he couldn't help but acknowledge that there was a small chance that it could happen. "I don't plan on dying, Elladan, but if I do, then you are Lord of Imladris. If Glorfindel dies…well, I shall be upset, but Imladris will survive. And if you die, I don't think that you will be in any position to care."
Elladan smiled. His father could talk about this so casually because he had actually done this sort of thing before. But to Elladan, this was a deadly serious matter. "I'm not kidding."
Elrond smiled again, but the smile was more subdued this time. "Neither am I, Elladan."
Legolas rode into the courtyard, a subdued smile on his face. He would never get tired of Imladris's beauty, but the thought that it might become a battleground was slightly upsetting. He had to come here one last time, even though he wasn't strictly supposed to. But it was just in case everything went hideously wrong that he wanted to have one good last memory of this place.
He didn't actually look much like himself. His hair had been cut to shoulder length and had been dyed a rich brown. A dye had darkened his skin as well. Legolas was surprised at how much of a difference just those two things could make. He knew that he wouldn't recognize himself at this point.
He turned on his horse and rode away. He had work to do. The fresh breeze helped him to clear his mind as he began to search Imladris. He knew that it technically shouldn't be all that hard to find this rebel group, as they were more than likely very amateur-ish. And, as he had thought, there were hand-made signs on nearly every street-corner. Legolas smiled to himself. This would be so easy to get rid of that it would be ridiculous.
Five hours later, he was in amongst the supporters of the as-yet unnamed group. They seemed mostly of low-class, very uneducated. Legolas doubted that even a quarter of them could handle a sword if their lives depended on it. And that would only make it easier for Elrond and his warriors to destroy them. But it would also make it harder for Legolas to blend in. He had grown up as a member of the upper class and so had the manners and attitudes of such. And if he wasn't careful, that might get him killed.
In Elrohir's opinion, all the elves that Belegtur had found were useless incompetents. They would never be able to work under Elrond. But every time he found himself thinking this, he forced himself to stop. These elves were just as good as him, he would tell himself, and they did not deserve to have these kinds of things happen to him. It got hard to convince himself sometimes; but at least he was trying.
Belegtur came in to see him at just after sunset. He seemed tired, as always, though what he spent his days doing had never been revealed to Elrohir. "You've been doing well," he said.
"Thank you."
"We're starting our attack tomorrow night."
Elrohir swallowed hard. "Do you really mean to do this?"
"Yes."
"You really want to kill other elves?"
"Yes. I have to. It's the only way that I'll ever get my message across…"
"No, it isn't! You know by now that I can go back to my father and mediate a peaceful resolution…"
"All you fancy elves with all your fancy talk don't know anything. Some things can't be solved with words. What would your talking to your father do? It might start to solve the problem for a little while…just until your father thought that our revolutionary ideas had been quelled. And then it would all start again."
"You mean to kill my family."
"That can't be helped, princeling."
"So why not me?"
"Because we need you here, princeling. And, if worst comes to worst, and we fail, we have you as a hostage. Trust me, princeling, we thought this out. We are not idiots. We just lack noble birth."
"Why do you never call me by my name?"
"Because you people would never call me by mine." Belegtur shook his head. "I can't see what it is that you feel is so wrong with our actions. We are only doing what needs to be doing, for progress."
"This isn't progress."
"If you can't see that it is, princeling, then you will never understand why any of us here do what we do. Perhaps it is because you are of higher birth than us. But I think it more likely that it is because you don't want to think that everyone is born equal, truly."
Elrohir frowned at this declaration. Some part of him wanted to agree with it, but another part didn't. It had always been made clear to him that he was better than some, and he was having a hard time dispelling this notion. "I do understand…Belegtur," he said, emphasizing the others name, hoping that this would, in some way, ingratiate him a little with Belegtur.
Belegtur seemed to take no notice of this diplomatic step and just shrugged. "I doubt you do, princeling. And that is why you won't be fighting tomorrow. I can't trust you not to turn traitor and kill us all. But make sure they are all ready to fight tomorrow." He shook his head and walked out of the room.
Elrohir frowned to himself. His whole world had disintegrated and there seemed to be nothing he could do to stop it. And above all, he felt so alone. None here talked to him, and the new ideas that Belegtur had planted in his mind made him feel isolated from his family. He was just so confused and didn't know which way to turn.
A million thoughts were competing for Haldir's attention as he spurred his horse on. Usually, when he was riding, he could dismiss whatever worries were impeding most upon him, but it seemed that this was not one of those times. Memories of happy times spent with Celeborn, memories of Erestor, memories of everything and everyone he had ever loved or cared about rising to the surface; not one by one, but in a cluttered mess that Haldir would not have been able to disentangle even if he had wanted to.
He had so hoped at the time that Celeborn had wanted to make up for everything, but now he was glad that Celeborn hadn't. He was riding off to war now, and there was no time for romance or love in the middle of a war. Whatever the old stories and poems said, romance and love just distracted one from the real work of fighting. Lust was fine for the battlefield, and that Haldir knew well, but love just made things complicated.
He had come to realize, over the past day or so, ever since he had left Lorien, that he didn't care whether this war was won or lost. He didn't even really care if he died or not. Ever since Erestor had been killed, it had just seemed that he was gliding along, unconnected to everyone and everything. Looking back, he could not find any memory that rivaled any of the times he had shared with Erestor. Erestor had been the only elf that had made him feel complete.
Now, if Erestor were alive and fighting in this war, then Haldir would really have reason to be doing this. Erestor would likely be a target for the rebels, though in reality, he was just like one of them, only he had worked (and slept) his way up. Erestor was someone worth fighting for. But Elrond was not. Elrond, though his temper over what had happened to Erestor had mellowed some, was still not someone that Haldir enjoyed visits with.
He spurred the horse on faster. He hoped that the speed would help him clear his mind. Only it made it worse. Now Erestor's face appeared in front of him, smiling a little in that sad way of his. Haldir closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he saw Celeborn with his happy-go-lucky expression that he always tried to maintain. He closed his eyes again. This time, it was Elrond that he saw. Only it wasn't the Elrond that Haldir had come to hate. It was the Elrond that he had fought side by side with in the Last Alliance, the Elrond that he had been proud to call a friend.
Now, in a sudden flash of insight, Haldir realized that none of what had happened mattered at all. None of his fights with Elrond or Celeborn or even Erestor really mattered. It was all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. What mattered most were friends, and love, not hatred and fighting. What mattered were the things that you would die for, the things that you would kill for, not those that you would kill. Haldir was surprised by these thoughts. As a warrior, he did not often pause to speculate what would happen or the consequences of his actions, let alone philosophy. But he knew now that what he was thinking was the truth.
It didn't matter that he had hated Elrond for however many centuries it had been, it mattered that he and Elrond had fought side by side in the past and had celebrated the same victories and mourned the same losses. It didn't matter that Erestor had been killed unjustly, it mattered that Haldir had had the time with Erestor at all, and that he had made the best of the time they had had. It didn't matter that he did not care for the future of Imladris, it did matter that there was no way that he could allow such a place of beauty to be destroyed.
Now he found, to his surprise, that all his confusion and madness had disappeared. He now only felt a pure sense of clarity, a feeling he had not felt in so long that he almost didn't know what it was that he was feeling. He smiled to himself. The whole world made sense to him now, and he was saner than he had ever been before. Now he knew what mattered in life and now he could do what he knew was right and not be upset at whatever price it might demand of him. Up to and including his own life. That was simply just the way things went; who was he to judge the master plan of higher beings than himself?
