Chapter 23
Celeborn was aimlessly wanderingthe halls. He knew that he would not get actually lost; he had spent too much time here. It was just good to lose himself for a while. That way, he could pretend that Haldir was waiting for him in his rooms. Even though the rational part of him knew that he would never see Haldir again. Unless he traveled to the Halls of Waiting, something he honestly had no desire to do.
He passed by the healing ward and looked in. Something of a healer himself, he was amazed and awed by the skills that Elrond possessed. It was reasonably empty today. Celeborn noticed though, that there was a Man lying in one of the beds. This area was not well traveled by Men and Celeborn was genuinely curious (as well as slightly bored), and so walked over. The Man was awake and looked at him with big hazel eyes.
Celeborn smiled; he knew how intimidating he could be to strangers. "I am Lord Celeborn. Who are you?"
"I don't know." He was so tired of giving that answer.
Celeborn was amused but he couldn't show it. This Man obviously had some problems. That was why he was here, in Elrond's care. "Very well. You look like you need some company. Would you like me to stay with you?"
"Could you?"
"Of course. But I will need to call you something, if only until you remember your true name." Celeborn knew that it would be important for this Man to have a sense of self, even if it was a false one. To not know who you were would be devastating.
"I have no name."
"Of course you do. Until you remember yours, though, I shall call you…Tingil." There was a sparkle about the Man that seemed otherworldly and puzzled Celeborn quite a bit. "Is that alright with you?"
"Tingil." He tested the name out. It fit as well as any other. As he had no name, he should be grateful that someone was willing to take the time to give him one. A name meant that someone needed something to call him by. That meant he was wanted. "I can live with that."
Celeborn smiled. "So, where did you come from, Tingil?"
"I do not know."
Ah. So he was one of those cases. Celeborn sensed that the Man wasn't making it up, either, that he genuinely had no idea who he was or where he was from. It was worrying, to say the least. "Has Lord Elrond seen you yet?"
"Yes, he was here earlier. He said he would return…would you…stay with me until he does?"
"Of course I will." Celeborn seated himself next to the Man. He sensed that Elrond would be a while.
Elrond was sitting in his study, surrounded by books. None of them were any use. He was starting to lose hope. There were simply no documented cases where a person had literally no identity. Elrond had been called inventive before, but to do anything would require him to conjure up an entire life and place it within this Man's head. That was something he couldn't do. Ethically, he couldn't do that.
"Father, Erestor sent me to see you," said Elladan.
Elrond didn't really have any need for his son, and wondered what Elladan had done to irk Erestor. "I'm not sure that you can really be of any use to me, Elladan. I am having…difficulty with a patient of mine." He gestured at all the objects around him. "And I am having no luck."
"Then you know what you need?"
Elrond raised an eyebrow, but played along. "What do I need?"
"You need to relax. Is this elf in danger of dying?"
"'Tis a Man, not an elf."
That surprised Elladan. His father did not often treat Men, only in desperate cases. "Is this Man in danger of dying?"
"Not to the best of my knowledge."
"Then go and lie down. He will wait. There is no need for you to burn yourself out because of him, is there?"
Elrond smiled. Elladan sounded exactly like him when he chastised Erestor for working too hard. Truly, his sons were growing up just like him. The thought pleased him. "Do you know where Erestor is?" It would be good to unburden his mind to someone who understood.
"Yes, I saw him not long ago, as you know. I do not know where he was headed. He seemed…agitated and worried." A brief pause. "Perhaps he has gone to the library, then. It is so peaceful there."
Elrond nodded. "I shall seek him out there. Try not to cause any trouble, Elladan." He, for some reason, had always felt it necessary to say that to his eldest son when he left Elladan to his own devices.
"Do you really think I would?"
"I know you would."
Elladan had been right. As Elrond stepped into the library, he saw Erestor curled up on a chair, reading. He was loath to disturb him, but he was sure that Erestor would understand. So he walked closer, not wanting to have to shout. "Erestor?" he said in a quiet voice.
Erestor looked up and Elrond could clearly see tear stains on Erestor's face. He uncurled and sat up in a more dignified position. "What can I do for you, my lord?" He looked slightly confused.
Elrond sighed heavily. "Don't, Erestor. Please. I can't deal with it today. Come; let's go back to my room. I've had a bad day…and it looks like you have as well." He offered his hand to Erestor who did not take it, just stared at it.
"I…don't understand, my lord."
Now Elrond was confused. "What do you mean, you don't understand?" Elrond was not in the mood to play one of Erestor's games. He had thought that their relationship had progressed beyond that point. "Really, Erestor, I don't want to play these games with you anymore. My day has been long already."
Erestor radiated genuine confusion. "I fear I know not of what you speak, my lord." There was no hint of malice or joking in his tone. It was pure and simple confusion.
Something extremely traumatic must have happened since Erestor had come to see him earlier, Elrond decided. For the life of him, though, he couldn't imagine what it was. So he walked closer to Erestor. "I would like to see what is troubling you so. But…I will have to go into your mind. I would ask your permission to do so." If at all possible, he always asked permission before intruding into someone else's most sacred place: their mind.
"Of course you have my permission, my lord."
Cautiously, not knowing at all what to expect, he placed his fingers on Erestor's temples. He had asked before to enter Erestor's mind, when Erestor had seemed particularly troubled, long ago, but Erestor had denied him entrance. Now Elrond was intensely curious. Erestor's past had always been a mystery to him. As much as he shouldn't enjoy it, he would be happy to finally do away with all the barriers between them. Much more easily than with the Man, he sunk into Erestor's mind.
And immediately hit an iron barrier.
The reverberations threw Elrond out of Erestor's mind. Steeling himself, he entered again. This time, while he felt the shock of the barrier, he did not allow it to throw him out. Before trying himself against it, he explored what was given to him. It was very bare, frighteningly like the Man's, with scarcely more of an identity. It was as if Erestor had willfully decided to forget everything about who he was. No elf could do that; no elf could willingly destroy his Self.
What had happened? Erestor had been reasonably fine this morning, certainly not this cold, distant elf. No, worse than that. This Erestor didn't even know he was being distant, because he did not know what it was to be close. Elrond did not know what happened, but was determined not to lose Erestor. So he threw himself against the barrier, hoping to crack it and pick the pieces up later. As much as he knew that that was a bad idea, Erestor was his lover.
It didn't work. Elrond was once again thrown out of Erestor's mind. "What have you done to yourself, Erestor?"
"What do you mean, my lord?"
Now that he had established that it was going to be a long and arduous task to find out what was truly wrong with Erestor, he had to determine exactly how much of himself Erestor retained. Entering Erestor's mind one last time, he carefully probed the bits that he was still given entrance to. All of Erestor's knowledge remained, as well as some scanty remnants of other elves. Elrond did not fail to notice that nothing of Glorfindel remained, nor of Haldir. All in all, Erestor was truly no longer fit right now to remain as his Chief Advisor. The good thing was that Erestor had no memory of ever being a Chief Advisor. Elrond decided to make him a scribe. Such would allow him to get used to life while Elrond tried to figure out what to do.
He released contact with Erestor's mind. Adopting an impersonal tone, he said, "You will be late to begin your duties." He scribbled a quick note to the Chief Scribe explaining matters briefly. Hopefully there would be no questions in that area. "Now, be gone with you."
Erestor rose to his feet and bowed. "Of course, my lord." With a slight smile, Erestor walked past Elrond and out of the library.
Once Elrond was alone, he sank to his knees. In a tortured voice, he said, "Why, why must you do this to me? Am I never to find happiness?" He damned the Valar and knew that he was damning himself in turn but he didn't care. He had had Erestor for the briefest of moments. Now Erestor was lost to him.
Legolas needed to speak to Erestor. Of all the elves in Imladris, he felt that the only one he could talk to was Erestor. It wasn't even that he had known Erestor for an overly long time, but Erestor had always been the kind of elf that you couldn't get out of your head. And he had always been ready to help, no matter the problem. So he walked to Erestor's office and found it empty.
More than that, papers were strewn across the desk in a disorder that was completely unlike Erestor. The chair was overturned and more papers were scattered across the floor. A sword lay unsheathed near the door. Legolas quickly left and sought out Elrond, who he found in his office. "Something terrible has happened!" he announced.
Elrond was ready to kill someone; he just had to decide who. This day had been the worst of his life, no holds barred. "What do you mean, something terrible has happened?" The last thing he needed was another incident.
"I think that someone has attacked Erestor."
Elrond stood up. "What do you mean?"
"I went to look for him…his office looks like he was fending off an attacker. I do not know if he succeeded or not…"
"He did not," said Elrond quietly. The someone who Legolas was referring to had to be the one that had closed Erestor's mind like this. It would explain a lot. But it would take a powerful enchantment to do that. Very powerful. "I am afraid that someone got to Erestor. He does not appear to be physically wounded…but mentally he is troubled. Most of his mind is locked away behind a barrier I cannot breach. Currently, he is serving as a scribe, but I hope that in time I can help him."
Legolas was stunned beyond words. "So…who will be your Chief Advisor, now that Erestor is unfit?"
"I shall ask my sons to assist me. I think that they will suffice for the time being." Elrond sat back down. "If you are planning to remain any length of time, I would ask one thing from you."
"While I am in Imladris, I am at your command, Lord Elrond."
"Befriend him. I know not if he will remember you or if he does, how much he will remember. Try not to bring up the past, I do not wish to confuse him. He will need friends. I will be there for him, but I love him. He needs someone else, someone who doesn't."
"Of course, Elrond. I will endeavor to find some way to help him." As Legolas left the room, he was deeply troubled. Just when Elrond and Erestor had finally appeared to be forging the first bonds of a relationship, something like this had to happen. Sometimes it seemed as though the Valar had no mercy on Elrond or those he cared about.
Celeborn smiled as Elrond walked in, but the smile disappeared as he saw the lost look on Elrond's face. "What is amiss?" he asked, rising to his feet.
"I will explain later," said Elrond, not wanting to have to go into it again. He would have to make a general announcement to his household, as no one would expect this and he wanted Erestor's life to be as normal as he could possibly make it. "So you have been keeping this Man company?"
"He reminds me much of myself."
"How so?"
"He is lost in a way that I could never be, but at times, I feel that I might as well have no sense of Self. Especially now that I have lost Haldir. Though there is not much that he and I can talk about, his presence…reassures me somehow."
"I am glad that he has found a friend in you." What it also meant was that Elrond could now devote more time to helping his lover. "But I am still at a loss as to what to do with this Man. There is little I can do to help him…he has no name…no nothing."
"I have given him a name. I could not speak to anyone who called themselves nameless. I called him Tingil."
Elrond smiled. "That is all good and well, but I have my doubts that that is his true name. How am I supposed to give a being an entire identity when I have no foundations upon which to build it? Whatever suggestions I placed in his mind, if they did not drive him insane, would seem false. And they would be false, because the memories I would have to give him would not be true memories." Elrond's voice was losing its sanity; slowly, yes, but Celeborn could tell that Elrond was losing his grip on sanity.
"Go and lie down, Elrond," said Celeborn firmly, treating Elrond as though he were some Elfling. "I will stay with Tingil. We will worry about Erestor later. You need to calm down. The last thing Imladris needs is to lose its Lord. Do you understand me?"
"Yes," said Elrond meekly. His world had just crashed down and shattered into a million pieces around him. It was only right that he take some time to sort out his mind.
Elrohir was looking for his father when he saw Belegtur walking down the halls as casually as if he had always been here. Shock and surprise appeared instantly on Elrohir's face. He walked over quickly. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I came to rescue you," said Belegtur, pulling the younger elf into an empty room and kissing him. "But it seems now that you have no need of being rescued."
"Do you know how dangerous it is here? What if someone had recognized you?" Elrohir realized that Legolas was here as well. "You have to leave, Belegtur. This is insane. I'm not going to get you killed just because you're stubborn."
"You won't let me stay?"
"No. I will come and visit you when I can…but you cannot stay unless you truly wish for my father to catch you and kill you!"
Belegtur's hands slipped into Elrohir's robes. "You know how long it has been?" he demanded. "I want you."
"Not here." Now that they were here, Elrohir was supremely rational. "We can't…"
"I'm sick of you telling me what I can and cannot do, princeling." He shoved Elrohir into the wall, but then the doorknob began to turn. Both elves hurriedly made themselves decent. The door opened and a servant walked in. The servant took little notice of Elrohir and Belegtur; he just put some things on a shelf and then walked out again.
"See," said Elrohir. "I don't want you to get killed. And I just managed to convince my father that I didn't want to kill him."
Belegtur bowed his head. "Fine. I'll leave. But I'd best see you soon."
"You will," vowed Elrohir, and sealed it with a kiss.
Through careful planning and much assistance from several servants, Legolas managed to 'accidentally' bump into Erestor. He smiled. "Hello, Erestor. I don't know if you remember me. I am…"
"Prince Legolas," said Erestor respectfully. "I know of you, but I do not believe that we have met."
"No, we have not," agreed Legolas. There was no point in confusing Erestor. "But you can just call me Legolas. I do not like titles." He could see that he was intimidating Erestor and didn't like it. "Come, walk with me." They were outside, in the gardens. It was just before sunset, a perfect time for an aimless wandering around Imladris.
"If you wish."
Legolas looked Erestor over as they began to walk. He looked so peaceful, and he looked millennia younger. Those dark eyes that had been sad and haunted for as long as Legolas had known him were free from misery. They were curious, just like an Elfling's. Erestor's posture was not as confident as Legolas remembered, but held its own dignity, the dignity of…innocence. While none that knew Erestor would call him such, even Legolas, it was exactly the word that formed in Legolas' mind. Perhaps this change, whatever it was, was for the best. Immediately, he chastised himself for this thought. No one had the right to take someone's life away from them; even a life as painful as Erestor's.
"How long have you been in Imladris?" he asked. He wanted to know the bounds of Erestor's memory.
"It is odd, but I do not recall arriving, yet I know that this is not the place of my birth. It is like…there is a gap in my life. That sounds stupid." Erestor turned away from Legolas.
This Erestor had none of the old Erestor's witty self-confidence, either. "'Tis not stupid, Erestor. Lord Elrond has told me what a good scribe you are. He would like to elevate you in position soon, perhaps to one of his advisors." Legolas knew he was pushing it, but this would make it easier for Erestor to accept when Elrond finally sprung it on him.
Erestor stopped in his path. "I do not understand. Please explain to me, Prince Legolas, if you can. I will detail my situation. I know that I was born of common parents. My father was a laborer in the fields and my mother was a servant in a Lord's home. I know that the Lord became interested in me and treated me as a son. He made me a scribe. That is all I know. Now I am in Imladris and surrounded my unfamiliar faces…I have lost millennia, but I do not know to where."
Legolas had no answer for Erestor. "I do not know, Erestor. All I know is that I would like to call you friend. Is that acceptable?"
Erestor nodded cautiously. "Yes…Tell me, what year is this?...what age is this?"
"'Tis the Third Age, Erestor…"
Erestor fell to his knees. "Where has my life gone? I have no recollection of…anything." He looked up at Legolas and those eyes that had just before been pure and innocent, returned to their haunted state.
"Erestor," said Elrond, walking over. He had heard the conversation and ached to help his best friend, his lover. "I think that there are some things that need explaining. Come with me and I will be glad to explain them to you." Elrond began to hastily wrack his mind for any kind of stupid explanation that he could give to Erestor. "Unless you would rather spend time with Legolas."
Erestor looked to be almost in tears. "I think…I think that I would rather be alone, my lord. There is much that I must think about."
"Very well, Erestor. Good night." Legolas and Elrond watched as Erestor hurried away. Elrond's voice broke slightly as he said, "I can't take this and I can't see him like this. All I want is to be able to hold him and take away his pain. But I can't, because he doesn't even know that I love him!"
"Something has taken away all his pain, Elrond. All he remembers is being a scribe to some Lord a long time ago, presumably. He knows nothing of the hurts that Glorfindel inflicted on him, which, if you think about it, are the root of all of his problems. Someone took that from him. I'm not saying that it was the right thing to do, but…"
"I want Erestor back," said Elrond fiercely. "No one has the right to toy with anyone else's mind for any reason."
"Then you had best come up with a good explanation for Erestor having lost several millennia. Have you seen how much younger he looks…how the pain is gone from his face, from his eyes…"
Elrond nodded. "Yes, I see all of that. But it is the old Erestor that I loved." He shook his head. "Whoever did this to him…" Elrond sank down to his knees much the same way that Erestor had done in this same spot only moments before. "I just want things to go back to being the way they were."
"That is a fruitless wish, and you know it," chastised Legolas gently. "We will fix things, we will fix Erestor. I swear that to you."
"I love him so much…and now I can't even tell him."
Legolas pulled the much older elf to his feet. "I dare say that you could," he replied jokingly.
"Right. Because he isn't terrified of me enough as it is." But a smile crossed briefly onto Elrond's face. "I will think of something. If Erestor is truly as naïve as he appears, then my problems in fooling him should be minimal." He laid a gentle hand on Legolas' shoulder. "I should take my rest now, Legolas. These are going to be a long few days."
"I believe that you are right about that." Legolas smiled as he watched Elrond leave and then continued to walk the gardens. The Valar had certainly seen fit to plunge Imladris into chaos. Nothing had gone right here for so long now. And just when things started to look like they were heading for the better, something like this had to happen. Legolas knew better than to think that Elrond would be much of a leader until he had won Erestor over in , no matter what he had to do. And somehow, he had managed to get himself caught up in it. Now he understood what his father meant when he told Legolas that 'those Imladris elves are nothing but trouble and attract it from every quarter'. Legolas could think of no better explanation for the events that had occurred here.
Celeborn had left Tingil's side after night fell and went to see Elrond. He found Elrond crying in his room. Without any hesitation, he took Elrond into his arms and held him until the sobs subsided. "Everything will work out in its own time," he whispered. "You have to stay strong, or everything will fall apart."
"Don't leave me," pleaded Elrond in a choked voice. "I have lost everyone I held dear to me. I don't want to be alone this night."
Celeborn stretched out on the bed behind Elrond, holding him tightly. "We all have bad days, mellon."
"I am having a bad millennium," grumbled Elrond.
Author's Note: This all just kind of happened. Any advice for me on how to dig myself out of this hole would be more than welcome.
