Chapter 27
Celeborn opened bleary eyes and saw Legolas and Elladan above him. "What happened?" he managed to ask.
"You were stabbed by Elrohir."
"Elrohir stabbed me?" A pause. "No. It wasn't him."
Legolas looked immediately concerned. "What are you talking about, Celeborn? Did you see the elf…"
"No, but he was bigger than me, and Elrohir is not. I remember that much…how much longer will I be in bed? I want to get up and…do something…I hate being like this…helpless."
"You're staying there for at least a couple of days," said Elladan in a very paternal fashion. "We don't need yet another person completely incapacitated. I mean, we've already got my father and Erestor…and Elrohir, I suppose, if you can count him."
"How is Elrond?" asked Celeborn. More than anything, he felt kind of an affectionate love for the younger elf. He wanted to see Elrond happy, no matter who it was with. "Is he any better?"
Elladan shook his head. "No, we just came from there. There's no change…do you have any idea how to bring him back?"
Celeborn could see the strain on Elladan's face. He was too young to have to deal with all this stress. Everything he had known had collapsed around him. Elladan was definitely the next one in danger of breaking down. "I don't know how to bring him back, but I know that you need to stop trying to hold Imladris up all by yourself. We're here to help you, but if you don't let us help you, you're going to end up just like your father."
Elladan knew that Celeborn was right, but didn't want to admit it. "Can I at least talk to my brother?"
"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. But after that…go to the practice yard…or something. I don't want you working for a while. Maybe spend some time with Esgaldur."
Elladan nodded. "Okay, Celeborn. I hope that you recover quickly." He held Celeborn's hand for an instant and then departed.
Legolas dropped down on the bed beside Celeborn. "What are we going to do? Imladris is such a mess…by the gods, I'm not sure that anything can be done."
Celeborn smiled at that statement. "We'll figure it out. We always do. Things will never be the same, but we'll fix it somehow. Just have a little faith."
"I tried that. It didn't work very well."
"Then…just forget about the problems here and keep working as if this was the way things had always been."
"If things had always been like this, Imladris would not have lasted a day." A short pause. "But thanks for trying. I'll leave you to your rest. As you've dumped all the work on my shoulders I probably won't be back very often."
"You do have Erestor, remember."
"I know. I'm glad that we have him, in any capacity."
Celeborn nodded. "I'd like to see him, when you can spare him. I'd like to talk to him for a while."
Legolas nodded. "Very well. The moment I can spare him."
Erestor opened the door quietly, wary of any who might already be inside. There was no noise from within, so he stepped in and closed the door behind him. He saw Elrond sitting sprawled on the chair, eyes staring into nothingness. There was no way that Elrond could be thought of as intimidating right now, so Erestor did not fear to approach him. He sat on the chair next to Elrond and took Elrond's pale, cool hand in his.
"My lord…Elrond…I don't know if you can hear me or not, but there's something that we need to talk about. I don't know what there was between us before my accident…whatever it was. But I do know that I…I have these feelings for you. I can't describe them. I don't know if I love you…I don't remember enough to know that. All I know is that when you get better you will have my unconditional friendship. I don't know how you feel about me, but I think that you feel something at least. Maybe you're the answer to everything. When I'm around you, I feel less confused…I feel more whole. Maybe you're what I've been looking for…maybe this is why what happened to me did. I don't know, I really don't. The only thing I know is that there's something about you that makes me warm inside." Erestor blinked back the tears in his eyes and looked at Elrond. An insane part of him had been hoping that Elrond would just bounce back, but there was no sign of anything. "I just want you back, Elrond." He leaned over and kissed Elrond on the cheek. "I'll be back later."
Erestor rose from the chair and walked to the door. He cast one glance back at Elrond before he left the room. Making his way down the hall, he passed Legolas, who had a concerned expression on his face. When he saw Erestor, though, his face lit up. "There you are." Looking around, he frowned. "Did you go to see Elrond?"
"Yes," said Erestor defiantly, daring Legolas to be angry with him. "I wanted to go see him."
Legolas nodded thoughtfully. "Celeborn said he wanted to see you. Go to him, and then we need to get some work done."
Erestor nodded, then walked past Legolas to the healing ward. Celeborn was waiting for him, a slight smile on his face. "Good afternoon, Erestor."
"What do you want to talk with me about?"
"Imladris. Sit down."
Erestor sat down in a chair as far away as he could. No matter how kind Celeborn was to him, Erestor felt a kind of deep-seated fear towards him. "What about Imladris?"
"It might be a long time before Elrond is fit to rule Imladris, it might be only a couple of days. We have no way of knowing. That's why we need to figure out how to bring you back."
"I don't know how. Trust me, if there was some way I could be back to however I was before, I'd take it without a second thought."
"See, I'm not sure you'd want that life back if you knew just what it was like."
"I don't understand."
"No, I wouldn't expect you to. I'll put this gently…you were a skilled advisor, cunning warrior, brilliant scholar and all the rest, but you…you'd sleep with anyone. You didn't laugh much, you didn't smile much. No one really knows why you are the way you are. The only one who might have known was Glorfindel, and he died a while ago. You have everyone's respect…but you also have their pity. There are so many people that would give their lives to help you, but you didn't let them. There was no one who could really call you a friend, not even Elrond. You had secrets, you didn't let anyone close." Celeborn looked up at Erestor, searching his face for a reaction.
"I think…I think I might be starting to remember Glorfindel…I'm not sure…Celeborn, I don't care how terrible you say my life was. Anything would be better than this half-life."
"You're happy now, I can see it in your eyes. I never saw you happy since you were an Elfling. Your eyes are sparkling, they didn't before."
Erestor shook his head. "No, I don't want to go back to the person you claim I was. But I don't want to be this, either. Isn't there some middle ground?"
"I doubt it." Celeborn saw a slight shadow of misery cross Erestor's face and hated himself for putting it there. "Come here." He watched as Erestor slowly got up and walked over. Celeborn patted the space on the bed beside and Erestor hesitantly sat down. "Look, all of us here care about you…"
"How many of you have I slept with?"
"How many of whom?"
"Of the four of you? All of you?"
"No." Celeborn debated telling Erestor a lie, but decided against it. "Only myself and Elladan. No one knows if you and Elrond have, but we doubt it." He once again paused to gauge Erestor's reaction. It appeared to be numb bewilderment. "All of us are here to support you…maybe we'll be able to face the demons of your past if you're willing to try. The old Erestor never let anyone help him."
"I'm scared, Celeborn. I'm scared of who I am and who I was and what I've done…gods, is there any way I can take any of it back?"
Celeborn smiled. "No. But we're all here for you." He raised his hand and delicately caressed Erestor's cheek, down his neck, gently teasing him.
Erestor smirked in that dirty way he used to as he grabbed Celeborn's hand. "What do you think you're doing?"
Without much difficulty, Celeborn pulled Erestor down so that they lay side-by-side. Leaning over to whisper in Erestor's ear, he said, "I want you to be happy." If he had not known that Elrond loved Erestor, he would have pushed this further.
Erestor allowed himself to relax, leaning against Celeborn, feeling safe and secure for the first time in a long while. "Are you trying to seduce me?"
"I already have, in the past. I don't think there's any need for it right now," replied Celeborn in a teasing voice. It would be so easy to pretend that this Erestor was the old one, the one that he could sleep with without any regret or remorse. But this Erestor was innocent at heart and wouldn't understand the casual sex that Celeborn wanted from him right now. "Get up, I shouldn't be doing this."
"Why?" Erestor was quite comfortable right now and wasn't in the mood to get up and work.
"Because your heart is not free."
Erestor drew the correct conclusions. "Elrond and I…are we lovers?" He had to know this, as no one had seemed to want to give him a straight answer.
"No," said Celeborn. "You never let him, he was practically the only elf in Imladris you didn't sleep with. But he loves you, more than he loves life itself." He wasn't sure if Elrond would want Erestor to know that, but the truth had to come out sooner or later.
"Do I love him?"
"I don't know…someone hurt you in the past…no one knows who, though we all have our thoughts on the matter…you don't let yourself love anyone. That's why you wouldn't sleep with Elrond, because he wanted love…"
"And I just wanted sex?"
"Yes. But Elrond was getting there. I think you were beginning to let him into your heart right before your accident."
"I don't remember any of this. Thank you for telling me." Acting on instincts he didn't know he had, he leaned down and pressed a light kiss on Celeborn's lips. He hadn't been prepared for Celeborn's reaction. One of Celeborn's hands shot up behind his head, holding him in place as he forced the kiss to deepen. The other pulled Erestor closer, rubbing Erestor's back.
The kiss lasted quite a while, and Celeborn frowned when it ended. "We shouldn't have done that."
Erestor licked his lips and sat up. "I enjoyed that," he said. Now he rose to his feet and grinned at Celeborn. "I hope you get better quickly." Then he walked out.
Celeborn closed his eyes and smiled like an idiot as he heard Erestor leave. Though he knew that he couldn't expect that to happen again, it was damn good while it lasted.
No one had come to see him for more than a day. While that didn't bother him much, he was by nature curious. So he got out of bed and began to explore. He didn't know what he was looking for, but that didn't matter. His memories were slowly returning, and he could tell that there was something he should be able to piece together about his identity, but it remained just out of his grasp, like a word on the tip of the tongue.
Most of the elves gave him strange looks, but they all seemed to assume he was supposed to be there and did not question him. After a while, he realized that he was completely and hopelessly lost. He tried to retrace his steps but found that that just got him more lost. He didn't want to ask anyone for help, because he wanted to figure this out for himself.
Eventually, he began to recognize some of the rooms. He smiled as he realized he was getting closer to his bed.
Then he walked in the wrong door.
It took him a moment to realize that it was the wrong room. As he looked around, though, he realized that it definitely was. It was another one of the healing wards, but most definitely not the one he had come from. He began to back towards the door, hoping that no one noticed him, when he heard a voice say, "Tingil!"
"That's not my name," he replied automatically, turning towards the voice. He frowned for a moment as he tried to remember the elf's name.
Celeborn nodded. "Very well. What am I to call you?"
He shrugged. "I do not know."
Celeborn sighed. "What are you doing wandering around like this?"
"I was bored…I am not sick and I refused to be confined in my bed."
"Ah." Celeborn could understand that. He was injured, yet he already hated sitting uselessly in bed. There was so much that needed to be done. "Come here, then. Tell me, what do you remember?"
"I have more memories of what Lord Elrond tells me is Lothlorien."
"You have memories of Lorien?" asked Celeborn skeptically. He was kept aware of any visitors to his home and knew that this Man was not one of them.
"Yes…I think I lived there."
Celeborn was not convinced, but there was little he could do to dissuade the Man. Memories were memories. "Anything else?"
"Yes…I remember many elves…but one stands out in my mind…he has such sad eyes…but he is so beautiful…"
"Erestor?" demanded Celeborn, a little too harshly.
He nodded. "Yes, that sounds right."
"How on Arda do you know Erestor?" There was something about this Man that he felt that he should be realizing, but it was just out of his grasp. As he continued to talk with the Man, he felt that he was growing closer and closer to some unknown conclusion. Eventually, the Man left, but Celeborn knew that he would seek him out again. There was something about the Man that sparked something deep within Celeborn.
"Can you tell me, Elrohir, why you're doing this? How could you try to kill Celeborn?" Elladan glared at his younger twin. Elrohir had done some pretty stupid things in the past, but this surpassed them all. "What madness has taken you over?"
"Elladan, you'll never understand."
"What? Just because you spent some time with that rebel group…"
"My bonded is the leader."
"Fine. Why would you want to give all of this up?"
"Because everyone can't have it."
"What do you mean?"
"We leave in our ignorant bliss while there are so many out there that can't afford to eat…can't afford to live."
"That's not our fault, Elrohir. It's their own."
"See, that's what you don't get. It is our fault. We know…father knows about this, but he sits there and does nothing! That's what all of this is about. Giving back to those who need it, rather than us keeping it all. What makes us so much better?"
Elladan couldn't answer that question. He thought about it for a few seconds. "I don't know that we are better, Elrohir…but there has to be a better way to go about doing this. Violence doesn't solve problems, it creates them. If you can just get this lunatic that you call your bonded…"
Elrohir jumped up and threw himself at his brother. Weakened by his time in the cell, though, Elladan easily threw him off. Elrohir sat on the ground, a murderous glare on his face. "Don't you dare…"
"You love him, don't you?" Elladan shook his head. "Anyway, if you can convince him to back down, then maybe we can all talk and sort this out."
"But you never do talk. You say you will, but as soon as we agreed to back down, you'd arrest us all and then all mention of talking would cease."
"Now you're siding with them? Elrohir, you're my brother and I love you, but this madness has got to stop. We're going to keep you here until this crisis is over because you're too damn unpredictable. Please understand that we're doing this to you for your own good."
"No," said Elrohir with a sneer. "You're doing it for your own good."
Erestor was sitting over a stack of parchments, studying them thoughtfully, when the memory struck him. He was alone in the room, so none saw his eyes glaze over or his head drop to rest on the desk.
He was on a battlefield. The skies were dark above him and the screams of so many filled the air. The air itself was so heavy, so foul that it hurt to breathe it in. The sword he was carrying was covered in blood and so was he.
Elrond came up to him. "Are you well, Erestor?" he asked, looking extremely concerned. Piercing eyes ran across Erestor's body, quickly locating the injury. "You're wounded, Erestor! Come with me."
He followed, not because he cared, but because Elrond had ordered him to. They crossed the ground that had so recently been the site of a bloody battle. Now the battle was over; it had been won, but Erestor could tell that losses had been heavy.
"Sit down," Elrond commanded when they reached his tent.
Erestor sat down. He loved spending time around Elrond, even if he didn't have the guts to admit it. A smile appeared on his face, as Elrond gently laid him down and removed his shirt. Erestor thought about how nice it would be for Elrond to be doing this in passion and not because he was a healer. "That feels good," he murmured as Elrond rubbed a soothing cream over the site of the wound on his shoulder.
He didn't miss Elrond's smile. "You need to relax," Elrond said. "I always see you at the heart of the fighting. It's almost as if you're asking to be killed. And I don't want to find your body on one of these battlefields."
Erestor fell silent at that. There were some things that Elrond could never find out. This awkward silence continued until Elrond began to stitch the wound shut. Erestor gasped in pain.
Elrond grimaced at the sound, but continued. "I don't want to hurt you, mellon, but this has to be done. There will be less scarring. Please trust me." He finished as quickly as he could. "There. Done now."
Erestor sat up and smiled at Elrond. "Thank you. You are a good friend to me."
"You are more than deserving of as many friends as you can find."
Erestor grinned. "If you're not careful, Lord Elrond, you will convince me that you are trying to seduce me."
Elrond returned the grin. "Get out of here." He handed Erestor his shirt and Erestor put it on. Part of him wanted to lay claim to more of Elrond's time, but he knew he didn't deserve it. Without another word, he left.
Erestor sat up, a frown on his face. The feelings that he had experienced during that memory were completely alien to him. He couldn't imagine feeling that worthless, that undeserving of anything. Now he knew that, as Celeborn had said, there was something in his past that had skewed his entire perception of the world. Though he did not actually know what the event might have been, he couldn't imagine what it might have been.
And now he knew that he loved Elrond. That was undisputedly clear to him. The feelings that had coursed through his veins at Elrond simply touching him were enough to convince him of that. He was reasonably sure that Elrond returned those feelings, just as Celeborn had said.
Erestor really wished that he knew what it was that had troubled him so much. With his new outlook on life, he would be more than ready to ask help from others. Everyone seemed more than willing to give it a try.
He shook his head. There was work that he had to do. Later he could think about what all this might mean. Until then, though, Imladris was only kept running because people worked to make sure it did. There was an incredible number of things that had to be seen to, and Erestor knew that he couldn't afford to slack off.
Elladan needed to release his nervous tension somewhere, so he headed to the practice yard. The only problem was that it was unlikely anyone who could prove a challenge to him would be there. His brother was his equal with a sword, but he was unavailable. Celeborn was similarly indisposed. And Legolas and Erestor would be busy working. So he knew that while he might be able to deal with his emotions a little, he wouldn't be able to forget them.
Until he saw that Esgaldur was there, calmly wiping down a sword. Elladan approached him. "Esgaldur, may I ask you a favor?"
Esgaldur looked up. "Elladan, what can I do for you?"
"I just need to work off some tension. You're probably the only elf here that is my equal with a sword…"
"Your equal? Elladan, I am far better than you," said Esgaldur with a mocking smile as he rose to his feet. "Come on, then. I'll show you what it means to be good with a sword."
And show Elladan he did. Six times Elladan was disarmed before he finally called it quits. Panting in exhaustion, he grinned at Esgaldur. "Thank you," he said. "This is exactly what I needed."
Esgaldur looked very concerned. "Do you want to talk sometime? I mean, I probably can't help you much, but I can listen to you. It's obvious that something is troubling you greatly."
Elladan was hesitant to take Esgaldur up on that offer. He was a very independent person and only liked to rely on people like Elrohir and his father. Still, neither of them were really available right now. And Esgaldur was offering… "Okay. Thank you."
Esgaldur smiled. "Come see me after the evening meal and we will talk."
Elladan nodded. "You can be sure that I will."
"Tell me something, Celeborn," said Legolas, looking frankly at the older elf. "Would it be stupid for me to fall for an elf that was completely unavailable?"
Celeborn thought about his attraction to both Elrond and Erestor. "I think that it would depend on how unavailable they were. Relationships end. One should never give up hope." Celeborn wondered who Legolas had fallen for. He hoped it wasn't Erestor. Erestor was unavailable enough as it was without yet another elf lusting after him.
"He is bonded."
Celeborn closed his eyes. Of all people, why did Legolas have to go and choose Elrohir? "Why Elrohir?"
Legolas smiled; he should have known that Celeborn would easily figure it out. "I don't know. Do you know why you fell in love with Haldir?"
"Point taken. I would be careful around Elrohir. Not only because…well, he at least was around when I was stabbed, but because he's young and volatile. I don't think that it would be impossible, and I urge you not to give up hope, but don't expect too much."
"Thanks for the optimism."
"I'm just telling it how it is."
Legolas nodded. "I'll think about it. But, above all, I do know that I love Elrohir and I will fight for that love. I won't give up on it easily."
author's note: sorry that this is taking so long to write. i;ve just recently got a very busy life and can't devote as much of my time to writing as i'd like.
