Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop is not my property. Nor are Muse's lyrics for Hysteria.
Chapter One: A Weakness
Her hands were covered in blood. She could hear gunshots going off constantly; there were so many men shooting around her.
But she was the one covered in blood. Am I bleeding?
She looked down at the body, lying in a pool of warm crimson liquid. Who's corpse?
Screaming all around her.
More collapsing.
More blood.
More screaming.
A gun fell at her feet. She picked it up, looking around, and instinctively cocked the gun and aimed, ready to shoot at anyone who threatened her. Who am I shooting at? Who's at my feet?
She finally looked down. Spike was the corpse.
No, he isn't, it was someone who looked like him
Spike was watching her back. "Stay close to me," he said.
More guns. More bullets fired. More shooting. Too much shooting.
She saw a bullet coming towards her heart. Saw it coming, but couldn't move.
Darkness.
Julia woke up with a start, shaking, drenched in cold sweat. 5:30 AM. Damn it. She reached for her glass of water on her nightstand, trying to interpret yet another nightmare. It was the third time this week that she'd had this dream – the last time she would ever be with Spike before either of them got killed. She sat up and leaned her elbows on her knees, trying to control her fear.
Why did I have to put Spike through this? Why did I have to love both of them? Questions about her past raced through her mind. Teardrops fell from her eyes, but she didn't realize she was crying until she felt them roll off her chin, reminding her of what she once had, and of the reality she lived in now.
Oh, why did this all have to happen? Why can't I have a happy ending? Memories of a distant night with Spike brought some happiness back into her thoughts, but she couldn't help wondering what would have happened if she never met him in the first place.
But if I never met him, I would have never known what true love felt like. His embrace was always warm, always protective, always caring. His touch emulated love; his kisses and the way he held her made her forget about all her problems. Julia's heart ached with the familiarity that she might never feel again. The tears flowed freely from her sad eyes now. It's funny, though . . . he never showed anyone else his emotions. He was always so apathetic. She held her head in her hands, feeling too weak, recalling what she had gone through to escape both men.
I wish I had met Spike first. I wish Vicious never came into my life. But then, I would have never met Spike at all. Damn it, I hate how life works this way! Vicious and Spike had been blood brothers, having fought together, watching the other's back. After Spike left the Syndicate for good, he seemed like a different man. Julia never got the chance to say goodbye. In fact, she never got a chance to see him before he left. She tried to convince herself that he would come back one day, come back to her in a single piece and make her life all better. That day still hadn't come. Vicious had ordered her to kill Spike, to "shoot him full of bullets." She couldn't bring herself to do it, but she did remember telling him that she would always be waiting at that cemetery for him. But she had left her life, too, for the good of both worlds.
How long has it been? Two years now? Three? Julia was haunted on almost every day by disturbing nightmares, of she and Spike meeting on Mars for the final battle with the Syndicate. She always dreamed about it, but she had hopes that Spike would come back to her not as the man she was destined to kill, but as the loving man he once was to her. She decided to go for a walk, even though the sun hadn't risen quite yet. She changed into the clothing she had stripped off last night before going to bed – a black, fitted T-shirt; a pair of tight leather jeans; and her red leather trench coat from her Syndicate days. Grabbing her apartment keys, she walked out the door, hoping that she would be refreshed. But the tears wouldn't stop.
Julia walked outside, inhaling the fresh air. Pushing her blonde hair out of her eyes, she observed the pre-dawn landscape. She finally stopped crying, but on the inside, she still ached. She saw his face, his tall, lanky body strolling down the street, coming towards her. But when she rubbed her eyes, the image was gone. Sighing, she sat down on the steps to think some more. The birds began to chirp; the sun would rise soon. She looked up at the sky, and remembered the time Spike had told her the story about the guardian stars.
"If I did die, would mine go out too?" she'd asked.
"Everyone's stars go out when they die. It's like life renewing itself."
She never knew him to be so deep, so romantic, until the first night they spent together. Her lower lip quivered slightly, and she hoped that her tears wouldn't fall again. She always thought of herself as a strong woman, but whenever she thought about that man, she felt as if she would fall apart without him.
I need him, I love him. The words reverberated in her head until she decided to go back inside. Thoughts of Spike floated through her head continuously; she saw his handsome face in her mind's eye. No matter what she did, she couldn't get him out of her head. He had always made her happy, and this time was no different. She remembered the romance they shared and the time they spent together, and the beginnings of a smile crept upon her face. She needed to think optimistically.
Spike, I'll find you again one day. There won't be anyone in our way, nothing to run from, no pain that dangles in our lives. We'll be happy.
She could only hope.
And I want you now
I want you now
I feel my heart implode
And I'm breaking out
Escaping now
Feeling my faith grow old
"Hysteria" by Muse, Absolution 2003
