Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and Yoko Kanno's music is not mine.



Chapter Five
: And I See What You've Become

He was running up the stairs, holding a machine gun in his hands. What am I doing here? He looked out of the corner of his eye and saw blonde hair. Julia? What's she doing? Why does she have a gun?

He threw his weight into the door, running onto the roof.

"Julia, go ahead. I'm right behind you."She is so beautiful.

He began shooting at the gunmen; there were too many of them. I can't shoot them fast enough! FUCK! Julia's eyes suddenly widened; he'd seen a bullet go through her back. Shooting the assailant, he ran to her side.

"JULIAAA!" He lifted her head in the crook of his arm.

"Was life just a dream?" He nodded. She closed her eyes and stopped breathing. He suddenly felt something inside him die forever.

The rain won't wash away all this blood.


Spike awoke from his nap in cold sweat. Nightmares like that one never came to him during the day; usually, they haunted him in the dark. He worried more about Julia now than ever before.

Why do I feel like she's asked me that before? Spike pondered on Julia's question from his nightmare. Her questions seemed reminiscent of a past life, before things became complicated. Sitting up, he leaned forward on his knees, deep in thought, searching for the pieces of his past that he had buried so long ago. He rubbed his eyes, feeling a migraine coming on.

"Hey, Jet?"

"Yeah, Spike?" Jet answered from the bonsai room.

"Do we have any ibuprofen?" Spike readied himself for the 'See a doctor' speech. One of these days, Jet was going to stop getting up to give him the medication.

"I think it's time that you see a doctor about these constant headaches. Depending on those pills ain't gonna help you much longer."

"Yeah, right." The former ISSP officer was now the unofficial caretaker of the 'youth' on the Bebop, catering to their needs. He left his precious bonsai trees in search of the pill bottle. Minutes later, he entered the lounge area with Spike's requested items.

"Spike, you gotta take care of yourself. You're a grown man! And don't go telling me that you've got too much on your mind, because I'm the only one around here taking care of the shit that goes on!" Taking a deep breath, Jet calmed down, counting under his breath to cease his anger. He handed the medication and water over to his friend.

"Yeah, Jet. I know. But it just isn't that simple." Spike popped the two brown pills into his mouth and took a gulp of water. "Thanks." Getting up from the couch, he dragged himself to his bedroom, with a bewildered Jet staring back at him.

"I'm never gonna understand what goes on here!" Jet grumbled, heading to the control room to check on the status of their flight.

Stumbling through the door, Spike kicked off his shoes and tossed himself onto his unmade bed. He pulled out a drawer from the nightstand adjacent to his bed, and reached in for the only physical evidence that linked him to another life – a framed photo of Julia, Vicious, and himself. He stared at it, like all the other times he had before, and wondered again what life would be like if he'd met Julia without Vicious' influence, without all the pain that came along with being near her. In the photo, she stood between the two men, a smile creeping upon her lips, eyes free of unhappiness. Vicious stood on her right, with a grin on his face that would frighten children and give adults nightmares; he'd always had those heavy lines crawling down his cheeks from his eyes, betraying the little amount of sleep he lived on. On Julia's left stood Spike with a genuine smile, one rarely seen these days. What wasn't shown was Spike's hand entwined in Julia's; even Vicious hadn't noticed that when the photo was taken. The connection between Spike and Julia was forever captured within a split second, having disappeared the in the next second when the three dispersed that day, making preparations to raid a rival Syndicate. Spike relived that day in his mind, again and again until he nodded off.


"Don't betray me." Vicious handed her the gun after he spoke those three fated words. Julia stared at him, dumbfounded, but she revealed none of the conflicting emotions that were desperately trying to escape her calm exterior. He walked out of the apartment, closing the door behind him with a quiet click. She was done with this mess.

Julia recalled that scene from her memory and laughed. She could have used the gun to kill that bastard, but she was supposed to use the gun to kill Spike. In the end, she ran away, which made some things easier and other things more complicated. She regretted it, leaving the only man she truly loved, and from her regret came a dull pain that threatened to take her over. She'd gone to Callisto, one of Jupiter's moons famous for its bars (and lack of women) and drowned herself in those bars night after night. Becoming a regular at the Blue Crow, she got to know the bartenders and some of the jazz band members very well. She got particularly close to Gren Eckener, a solo saxophone player for the bar, and was staying with him. However, drowning herself in alcohol didn't do much for the memories that still plagued her. But she still did it anyway.

Grabbing a barstool closest to the stage, she relaxed. The bartender greeted her and gave her the regular drink as a starter. Julia thanked him and sunk her memories into her glass of Grateful Dead.

"Why is a beautiful woman like you sitting here with such a sad face?" Julia smiled briefly at the voice.

"You know why, Gren."

"Have you figured it out yet?"

"Do I ever give you an answer?"

"That's true," Gren said, feeling foolish for asking the same question night after night. "Well, sweetheart, I'm going up on stage in a few minutes. Do you have any requests?"

"Blue," she replied as she stared into his eyes. He grinned and nodded, leaving her to go on stage. The soft tune hypnotized the audience as he played. She was in a trance, watching her life with Spike go by like a movie, the corners of her mouth turning up once in awhile when she saw something happy. Gren finished the song, dragging out the finally note. Then he signaled to her.

"Tonight, Julia and I will be performing the song Adieu. We hope you all enjoy." Julia looked at him, shocked. She wasn't in the best state of mind to sing, but when she stepped on the stage, she remembered the lyrics. Gren began the song slowly, letting Julia join in.

Been a fool, been a clown
Lost my way from up and down
And I know, yes, I know

And I see in your eyes
That you really weren't surprised at me at all
Not at all
And I know by your smile it's you.

Don't care for me, don't cry
Let's say goodbye, Adieu.
It's time to say goodbye, I know that in time
It will just fade away, it's time to say goodbye.

She closed her eyes as she sang, passionately entwining each word with the tune. She couldn't help thinking about Spike, though, and about all her mistakes. There were just too many of them. But she wouldn't say goodbye. She had resolved to find him somehow, or make him come to her. And she wasn't going to back down.

I stand alone, and watch you fade away like clouds
High up and in the sky
I'm strong and so cold
As I stand alone
Goodbye, so long, Adieu.

She waved her past away, and put her mind towards the future. But what if he's found someone else? I know he needs me; I can feel him every night. I need him too . . . She felt so alone, and it was easy for her to believe that she might not have a future. She was still on Vicious' hit list, after all. But when she found Spike, she wouldn't shoot him, like she was told to; she'd run away with him and never look back. And how am I going to find him? I have no idea where he is now! She began to feel hopeless.

Oh how I love you so, lost in those memories
And now you've gone
I feel the pain, feeling like a fool, Adieu

My love for you burns deep
Inside me, so strong
Embers of times we had
And now I stand here, lost in a memory
I see your face and smile.

Oh how I love you so, lost in those memories
And now you've gone
I feel the pain, feeling like a fool, Adieu

My love for you burns deep
Inside me, so strong
Embers of times we had
And now I stand here, lost in a memory
I see your face and smile.

With the last word, she opened her eyes, noticing how mesmerized the crowd was. Suddenly, everyone snapped back into reality and applauded her for her performance. She smiled briefly, holding back tears of frustration and pain. Quickly striding off the stage, she returned to her drink just as her barriers fell. Downing the rest of the alcohol, she asked for more. God, what am I doing to myself? After what seemed like an eternity and too many drinks, she stumbled from her barstool, waved goodbye to Gren, and started for the apartment she shared with him.

"I've got to get off this goddamned moon. It's too fucking cold and there's no one here to keep me warm," she muttered to herself as she staggered through the dim alley. Every few feet she would trip, catching herself just before she fell into the snow. Just before she reached the apartment, she did fall down. Strong arms gathered her from the ground and brought her inside.

"Spike? Is that you?" Julia mumbled, not realizing how drunk she was. She wasn't aware of what she said. "Let's run away, just you and me. Please?" Slurring her words together, she passed out.

Gren stared at the emotionally distraught woman in his arms. It suddenly occurred to him that she just gave him the answer he'd been trying to get out of her for so long.