Chapter 2:
He was finally off at last. He was beginning to think that the shift would never end. Everyone and their dog must have come into the ER tonight. He had no idea that tonight was going to be a full moon. He wanted to get over to Abby's and curl up on the couch for a little while, to feel her next to him. Right now any place was better than staying here. He was numb from the head down.
The day had worn on him like few others had. He didn't know if it was just because he was pre-occupied with Abby and what was going on between them, or if there was something else bothering him. He was pretty sure that it was Abby and their relationship. Tonight he was going to get the answers that he desperately needed. He didn't want to put an ultimatum on the table, but if need be he would. She had to talk to him, she couldn't go on being silent for too much longer.
He didn't want to see her self destruct. But he had told her before, on the night that they had the fight over her drinking, that he was just going to sit back and wait for the train wreck. He was hoping that it wasn't coming soon. That she was telling him the truth and that everything was under control. He hadn't seen her drink in a long time, but that had been to many things in the past and couldn't take anymore from her. He needed her to give him one good reason why he should stick around and ride her roller coaster.
That was it, he loved her and there was no doubting that. It was ultimately up to her to help him make things right and get them to start everything anew and in the right direction. A direction that they could both handle.
He got off the EL and headed over to her apartment. There was a knot in his stomach. He didn't want to be doing this. He didn't like the way that he was feeling but this needed to be done. He had to confront her and get the answers that he thought that he needed to hear. She had to talk to him; he needed her to prove that she wanted this to work.
He had to find a way to get her to talk to him, to open up to him. To understand what he needed from her. Right now what he needed was more than she had been willing to give. Come on Abby; please be willing to do this for me, to do this for us. I don't want to walk out on you. I don't want to have to make that decision.
He walked up to her door and used his key to get in. She was sleeping on the couch, obviously she had the same kind of day that he had. The ER just seemed to drain it out of you on certain days. There was no getting around that. He stood by the door for a minute watching her sleep. To him, she was the most beautiful person on the face of the planet.
She was so peaceful under the blanket, stretched out on the couch. He watched her breathing. He could tell that her sleep wasn't as peaceful as it should be. He sat down on the end of the couch debating on whether or not he should wake her up. When she opened her eyes a little.
"Hi there, how long have you been sitting there staring at me?" She asked.
"I just got here. I was trying not to wake you up." He said looked at her.
"What time is it?" She asked.
"I got off late tonight. The ER got slammed and I was stuck there. It's after 11." He said.
"Oh I am glad that I got out of there when I did then. My day was long enough as is. I think that everyone and their dog decided that the needed to come to County today." She said with a half smile on her face.
"I was thinking that to as I was walking to the EL." He told her, "great minds must think alike."
"Is there any reason that you stopped by tonight." She asked.
"Other than for your beautiful company."
"Yeah other than that." Abby said turning to place her head on his chest. "You mentioned earlier that we needed to talk. Is something wrong? Or is this about you going away with Doctors with out borders?"
"Yeah there is, and no I still haven't decided if I am going to take Luka up on the offer and go with them." Carter said, pausing for a minute. He knew that it was either now or never to let her know what he needed to talk about. He would prefer that he would never have to do this, but maybe just maybe he could convince her to talk to him and with him, he needed her to help him to make this relationship work. She had to want that didn't she?
"I love you. You know that don't you?" He said looking at her with intensity in his brown eyes that she had never seen before.
"Of course I know that Carter." She said, "Why wouldn't I. It's not like you go around hiding it. I love you too."
"Do you trust me?" He asked knowing that he was opening up Pandora's Box now. There was no going back. He had to take this all the way through.
She looked at him wondering where this was going, "of course I trust you. Carter what are you trying to get at? You're are acting really weird tonight."
Carter watched Abby get up off the couch and take a defensive posture at the end of the couch.
"I'll be honest with you Abby. I need to know where we stand? I trust you. I am here for you any time you need me, but it seems that no matter what happens you turn away from me, you try to deal with everything on your own and you never want to let me in to help. You don't even seem to want to let me be the shoulder for you to cry on, let alone the shoulder for you to lean on when things get rough." He said looking at her watching her reaction.
"I love you and of course I trust you. Why wouldn't I? You have never given me a reason not to trust you. So what if I don't deal with things the way that you do. I don't feel like talking about everything that is bugging me." She said.
"Abby you don't talk to me about anything. That's the point. You won't talk to me about anything. You didn't want me coming home from my vacation when Eric disappeared, you push me away. Things get rough and you want me to turn my back and pretend nothing is going on. I don't want to sit back and watch you deal with what goes on. It kills me to see you hurting and yet you want me to do nothing. I want you to stop playing games with me. Why don't you want to let me in?"
Silence filled the room. There was a large amount of tension and both of them could feel it. Things were coming to a head and she was either going to talk to him or push him further away.
"I don't deal with things the way that you do. I didn't grow up the way that you did."
Carter cut her off, "Stop Abby, just stop you are not the only one who didn't grow up in a perfect family. Every family has their problems; mine was perfect by no means."
"Yeah Carter I know, but please understand that I am not pushing you away. I just prefer to deal with things on my own. You don't have to get involved in every little thing that goes on with my family."
"Don't you understand me; I want to be involved that's what I am here for. I want to be in your life, not just parts of it either, or when you feel it's convenient for me to be there either. What happens to you, with you, it affects me? I don't like seeing you deal with things with a bottle of booze." Carter was getting angry with her and he didn't like that.
"I don't deal with everything with alcohol Carter," She was getting even more defensive with him. "Do you have to bring that into everything? Whenever something happens, you see it fit to remind me that I was an alcoholic. You don't see me bringing up your drug problem when things get bad."
"I don't run to it." He said turning away from her. It didn't know if he was trying to put up a wall between them or hide the tears that were forming in his eyes. He wasn't getting anywhere with her. "Why do you feel that you can't talk to me Abby?"
"Carter, I do talk to you. I don't know why you are making me hash this out with you. There's nothing wrong with things between us. Let it go." She said.
"I can't Abby, I can't let it go. I wish I could but I need you to feel that you can open up to me, not take the burden of everything that is going on yourself."
"John, I am happy with you. I am happier than I have been in a long time. We have a good relationship, there's nothing wrong between us, please just leave things the way that they are."
"I can't Abby, really I want this to be a two way street and I am stuck traveling up a one-way. I love you and I want to be with you, but I want you to trust me enough to be able to open up to me when things are going bad. Right now you just don't seem to be able to do that." He turned and headed toward the door. "I can't do this anymore."
Carter started to head out the door.
"Don't do this. Don't walk away from me." She said.
"Abby you've left me no choice." And with that he stepped out into the night.
Carter stood on the street for a minute debating what he should do with the debacle now. That hadn't gone the way that he had planned. He wanted so badly to be with Abby and the pain that was tearing through his heart right now was almost unbearable. He had waited for her for years and now he had just walked out on the woman he loved. He wasn't sure what was going to happen next would Abby still know that he loved her.
He didn't leave because he didn't love her; he left because he wanted something that she was not willing to give. The more he thought about it the greater his heart ached. He wanted her to need him the same way that he needed her. The tears burned his cheek as they began to fall from his eyes. What he didn't know was that Abby was looking out the window down to the street where he was standing with her own tears falling freely.
