Chapter 6

Carter finished his shift at County and met Susan in the lounge. He was looking forward to having dinner with her.

"Are you ready to get out of here?" Carter asked.

"Yeah, it's been on of those days." Susan said.

"Tell me about it." Carter replied. "I am wishing that I hadn't gotten off that gurney I was sleeping on."

Susan cringed remembering the events that had taken place earlier that day. "I understand that. Let's go unwind. Do you have any place in mind?"

"No." Carter answered, "Where do you like to go?"

Susan thought for a minute as they walked out to his jeep. "There's a little place just down the street that we could go to."

"Sounds good to me." Carter said, "I am starving."

Abby had ruined his breakfast and Carter hadn't gotten another chance all day to eat. If he didn't get to eat soon he was going to get a lot grumpier than he already was. Carter drove them to the little restaurant just down the street. They got a table and looked over the menu. The waitress came to the table.

"Can I get you something to drink?" She asked.

"I'll have a glass of zinfandel please." Susan said.

"Anything for you sir." She asked John.

"The same." He said. John wasn't a drinker. He hadn't had anything since he had gotten into rehab. But tonight was different. He wanted to kick back and be as normal as he could be.

"What Carter, you a drink. You haven't done that in forever." Susan said amazed that he had ordered alcohol.

"Yeah I know, but it's been on of those days." He responded. "It could be worse though."

"You know you can talk to me about what's going on. I am not going to spread it anywhere. I'm a friend remember." She said going on, "I might not be your girlfriend, but I'm a good friend."

"I know it's just that I don't know what is going on. I gave Abby an ultimatum and I think today she gave me her answer." He said.

"I thought that things were going really good between the two of you. What happened?" Susan asked.

"Yes and no. Things were going good between us and all I wanted from her was that she open up to me, to be able to talk and share what was going on with me. Every time something has happened she pushes me to the outside and goes running to something else for comfort. I just wish that she would let me in to be there to help her thru what ever it is that is going on." He said with wet eyes.

"You love her very much, don't you John?" Susan asked.

"Yes I do and that's what makes this even harder." He said going on, "I waited in the wings for her for a long time; I even tried to just be her friend, to be someone she could talk to. That back fired because at the time I only wanted to be with her and all she did was talk about her relationship with Luka. I have loved her for a long time. I didn't want it to end like this. I walked out on her Susan. I just upped and left like she didn't mean anything to me. But she does. She means the world to me yet I don't understand why can't she trust me enough to let me be there for her."

"Maybe she just isn't ready to yet John. The two of you have been thru a lot. I hate to see it end like this too. I was really happy for the two of you when you got together. Have you talked to her about this?"

"Susan I am so tired of trying to talk to her. Yes with Abby lately it has been trying to talk and I haven't gotten anywhere with her. Every time I try she turns it into something that it isn't or she tries to shift the blame onto something. It's like she likes where things are, she's comfortable with it, but I'm not. When something happens and she's hurting I want to be there one who's there for her. Not the tequila bottle or a beer. I know that I told her that I would just sit back and wait for the train wreck but I can't do it anymore. It's gotten to be too hard for me to do that."

"I understand." Susan said.

"I don't know if she'll be here for me when I get back. From what she said earlier today I think it's too late for amends." Carter said.

"Where are you going?" Susan asked.

"I was going to go to Africa for a month on a doctor's with out boarder's mission." He said. "I thought that it would be good for me to do some good somewhere else besides here in Chicago." He said looking at her.

"Abby doesn't want you to go I take it." Susan replied.

"No she doesn't. She said that I was running away from talking to her by leaving. That's not what I am doing at all. Just because I wouldn't talk to her today and now I am taking this trip doesn't change anything. I was going to use the time to try to sort out some of this mess." He said as the tears started to fall from his cheeks. "But there won't be anything to come back to in Chicago if I know that we are done before I even leave."

"Carter maybe she didn't mean it to come out quite like that. I know that Abby loves you. You can see it in her eyes whenever you come into a room. I can't imagine that she is willing to completely give up on the two of you. She was probably just upset with everything that has been going on the past couple of days."

"I don't know anymore Susan. That's it I just don't know. I don't want it to end. But if that's how she feels, how she truly feels at least I now know where I stand with her." He said.

"I wouldn't say that Carter. She was just upset. I mean its Abby we are talking about. It's your relationship. I would hate to see the two of you break up and stop talking, that and it would make county an awfully awkward place to work." She said trying to get him to smile even just a little.

The waitress brought their drinks and placed them on the table. Carter and Susan ordered and sat there in silence for a few minutes. Carter didn't know what he was going to do. Nothing would be the same if he ended it with Abby and that would be a heartache he didn't know if he could recover from.

After dinner Carter drove Susan to her apartment. It had been a long day and he just wanted to crawl into bed.

"Goodnight Carter. I hope that things get better for you and that you have a safe trip to Africa." Susan said.

"Thanks. Take care and I will probably see you later before I go." He said.

Carter watched to make sure that she got in the building okay before pulling away and driving home himself. He wanted to crawl into his own bed and put an end to his misery. Yet he found himself driving by Abby's apartment. He wasn't sure why he was sitting there in front of the building either. This had been the second time that they had gotten into an argument and after he ended up here. The first time it was about Abby's drinking. This time it wasn't.

There was more two it then a beer and some sneaking around to drink. He parked the car and sat there for a minute. He wanted to go up there, to take Abby in his arms and make all of this go away. To change this nightmare they were calling life into something a whole hell of a lot nicer. But he didn't. He sat there staring at her window, wondering if she felt as bad as he did about all of this. If what they had said to each other were just words in the heat of things, or if they really words aimed at each other to hurt like daggers.

"Abby I love you." John said as he pulled away from her building. Going to her was going to have to wait for another night. He just wasn't up to it tonight. He emotionally and physically couldn't handle it. John walked up the stairs to his apartment and dropped down onto the bed.

His sleep was restless the nightmare that had plagued him for so long after Lucy's death were back. John knew that he had made a mistake in letting Abby go, but it was her choice and he was just going to have to live with it. He would see where her heart was when he got back from his trip.

Carter awoke in the middle of the night. The nightmares were back. They were just as intense if not worse than they had been after the stabbing. He thought that he had gotten rid of them during rehab. That all the skeletons in his closet were gone. He didn't like this, he didn't like waking up scared to go back to sleep. Abby wasn't there to comfort him and give him a calming presence.

He had no idea how he was going to get back to sleep now. He got up and walked to the bathroom. He opened up the medicine cabinet. He couldn't do this, he had worked so hard to get to where he was now, and he couldn't afford a slip-up. He stood there with his eyes closed for a minute. He could see Mark and everyone gathered around him. The day of the intervention, the day that he almost threw his entire career away. And for what a quick fix to the pain his was feeling.

It was an escape, even though it might have only been a momentary escape it was still an escape. Carter was in pain now. It wasn't the physical pain that he felt after the stabbing it was emotion pain from his heart breaking. The words that Abby said still rang in his ears.

He didn't know what to do. The urge was there. He was desperately trying to fight it. But the longer he stood there the more the urge called to him. Was this what he wanted? Was he willing to risk it all for a minute's peace? The feeling of not having to deal with it even as temporary as it might be.

"Yes," Carter said to himself, "it is worth it. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel the pain that is radiating from my chest. The pain of the broken hearted. She broke my heart. And why, all because I wanted her to be more open with me. To let me in where I could help."

John stood there, it took a minute for it to sink in that here he was faced with the same decisions that Abby was. If he did what he was thinking then he was no better than she was. He was hiding from her, taking the trip to Africa was an excuse to get away from her, yes he wanted to do some good, but he was also getting out of Chicago away from the person who had put his heart into so much turmoil.

He reached up into the medicine cabinet. Right now he didn't care; he wanted the pain to end. How could he let her do this to him? He was mad, upset and most of all he was scared. He had walked out on the most important person in his life. And she had told him that in his leaving that she wouldn't be there when he returned.

What reason do I have for staying in Chicago? She was the only thing I had going for me and now she's gone. I need this. I need to do this. It will make it all go away.

John pulled his hand away from the medicine cabinet as if he had been burned by something. I can't do this to my family and friends again. They believe in me, yet I can't believe in myself. I have ruined the most important thing that I had going. No, I'm right this is what needs to be done.

Carter paused for a minute; he knew what he was doing. He turned and walked out of the bathroom and picked up the phone. He dialed Abby's number. He needed her, more than he realized when he walked out on her. He had been miserable. Hearing those words from her, knowing that if he walked away she wouldn't be there for him when he came back. That was something that Carter couldn't live with. Not now, not ever.

"Come on Abby pick up. I really need you tonight." He said as he heard the phone ring. On the third ring the answering machine picked up.

"Abby it's Carter, please if you are there pick up." He waited he hoped in his heart that she would pick up. There was nothing.

"Abby please, I really need to talk to you. It's really important." Carter pleaded with her to pick up the phone.

He waited another minute and then hung up the phone. She wasn't picking up and he couldn't blame her. After what had happened between the two of them. He couldn't blame her for being hurt. He grabbed his coat. He decided to drive over there. He walked down to his car, he knew it was late, but he was afraid of what might happen if he didn't talk to someone. He hadn't felt this bad in months. The urge was back and he didn't know if he could resist it alone. Abby had been there for him when he had gotten back and he had learned to rely on her, to lean on her for support and now here he was finding that he was going to need to depend on her again.

He pulled his car up in front of Abby's apartment building. He looked up at her window and could see that the light was on. She wasn't in bed. He hoped that when he got up there she would talk to him. To ease his fears. He took the walk up the stairs, his feet were heavy as he took each step not knowing what he was going to encounter when he got up there.

He knocked on her door. He was waiting to see if she would come an answer it.

"Who's there?" Abby called out.

"It's me." He said.

"What do you want Carter." She snapped back.

"To talk to you." He said, "I really need to talk to you Abby."

"You want to talk now."

"Yeah I do." He replied.

She opened the door and let him inside. Carter pushed the door closed behind him. She was beautiful. As beautiful as she always was. He had missed her. Deep inside his heart he knew that he could never walk away from her completely.

"I'm sorry Abby." He said.

"So am I." She said back. Abby was giving John the cold shoulder, and he knew that he deserved it.

"Abby, I don't want to end it like this. I don't want it to end. I need you in my life." He said to her walking closer to Abby, "I love you."

"John I love you too, did you think that we could honestly just pick up right were we left off after what we have said to each other over the last two days." She asked.

"No I suppose not." He said hanging his head down low.

"Is this the reason that you came over?" She asked, "To tell me that you were sorry and to get me to forgive you."

"Abby, that's part of it." He said.

She looked into his eyes. John always wore his emotions on his sleeve and she could instantly tell that something was bothering him, and it was something that he wasn't going to be able to deal with it on his own.

"What is it John?" She asked.

"The nightmare's are back. They came back the night we had the argument and they have gotten worse every night now." He said, "I hurt every where and the pain won't go away. I didn't think until I set things right with you that it would go away." He said looking at her.

Abby was silent for a minute. She wasn't sure what to say to him. "Did you do anything that you shouldn't have?"

John knew where she was going with this. She knew the routine. She had been there many times herself.

"No, I thought about it and I came close, but you, the thought of what you would think if I had. How disappointed you would be in me." He said.

"I'm glad you came here," she said, "I'm sorry that I didn't pick up the phone."

"If you don't want me to, I won't go to Africa." He said.

There was silence between the two of them for a minute. Abby wasn't sure what to say. He was willing to stay in Chicago for her. She looked into his eyes, she says the sincerity in his voice, but she also saw the pain that was there. His heartache was eating him as hers had been at her. Abby hadn't been as strong as John had been able to be. She had drowned her sorrows in a beer with Chen. She also was able to spill her guts to her, which is the only reason that she had told John that if he left for Africa she wouldn't be there when he got back.

"I'm sorry I gave you that ultimatum, it wasn't fair of me to say that. I know that you were planning on taking that trip to help people who really need your help. Not to run away from me." She said.

"I'm glad you know that Abby. I could never run away from you. You mean to much to me." He said.

John wanted to take Abby in his arms and hold her close to him. To feel her against him. To know that she felt the same for him as he felt for her.

"Can we make amends?" He asked, hoping that they could work thru this and go on with their lives together rather than apart.

"I'd like to John, but it's going to take time." She said.

He had no choice but to give her the time that she needed. For whatever reason, she wasn't ready to jump back into their relationship again. He couldn't understand it, but he needed to give her the space that she was asking for.

"I'll leave then." He said reaching for the door. "Goodnight."

John walked out Abby's door again. This time maybe not for good, but it hurt still none the less.