Chapter Seven

Carter walked down the stairs to his jeep. That hadn't gone nearly the way that he thought that it would. But did he really expect her to open back up to him with open arms as if nothing had happened between the two of them.

He climbed into the jeep looking up at Abby's window hoping to see her there, to call him back upstairs to pick up the pieces and be a somewhat happy couple again. Knowing that there was still hope in the relationship gave him a feeling that maybe it would all work out in the end.

He drove him and climbed back into bed. He was exhausted. He needed sleep yet the nightmares weren't going to give it to him. He tossed and turned all night once again. They were too intense and hard to deal with. The pain in the nightmares was to fresh and it was ripping him in two.

He was having a hard time dealing with this. He needed to escape, yet how could he escape the nightmares that were plaguing him every time he laid his head down to sleep. He needed to do something. Abby hadn't helped him as much as he hoped she would have.

John felt as if nothing was ever going to be the same again. Not knowing if Abby was ever going to come back to him. He was losing all feelings of hope. The darkness that had plagued him after Lucy's death was starting to set in again. There was so much baggage attached to both of them that Carter began to feel as if it was dragging him under. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he needed to run away and fast. But for now there were other things that he needed to do.

Carter went thru the motions of working at the ER. Everyone could tell that he just wasn't himself. He plugged on seeing patients. He was short with several of them, which was just not him. He managed to avoid Abby all day long.

Which was no small feat in itself, for it seemed that she was everywhere that he turned. Even Abby, when she was near him, could feel that there was something wrong with John, but she just couldn't put her finger on what it could be. It was nearing the end of his shift when she finally managed to approach him.

"Are you going to tell me what is eating at you or are you going to continue to snap at patients the rest of the day?" She asked.

"Nothing Abby, nothing is eating at me. I am done for the day I won't be snapping at anyone." He said turning to walk away from her.

"Don't lie to me Carter, everyone here can tell that something just isn't right with you today. You are the last doctor here who would ever snap at a patient, yet all day today you have been snippy with several of them." She said.

"Don't worry about it. It's nothing. I'm having a bad day that's all." He said.

"Bad day my ass Carter!"

"Nice to know you care." He said walking off.

She grabbed him by the arm. "Why won't you tell me what it is? Let me help talk to me. After all isn't that what we are supposed to do."

He looked at her. He still loved her; there was no doubt about that. It was not knowing where they were headed that had him in the foul mood that had him in the dark place where he didn't want to be. "Abby I don't have anything to tell you. I think we managed to say everything that we needed to say to each other last night. You don't have to worry about me. I got the picture I'm not your boyfriend anymore." Carter walked off trying to get away from Abby as fast as he could right now.

Susan walked up behind Abby. "Did he tell you what his problem was?"

"No he didn't. He didn't seem to want to talk to me, and he's been doing a good job at avoiding me all day too." She said watching him walk down the hall.

"Kerry is going to lay into him if he doesn't snap out of this fast. He needs to get that bug out of his ass right now." Susan said.

"Maybe that's what he needs right now, to have Kerry remove that bug for him, he sure doesn't want me to do it. Susan, I haven't seen him act like this in a long time. There is something seriously wrong with him and he doesn't want anyone to know about it." She said.

Carter headed into the lounge. His shift was over and he was getting out of this place. He didn't feel like being around any of the people here right now. Everything grated on his nerves, everyone here was grating on his nerves with them giving him the fifth degree. The lack of sleep had made him extremely irritable. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kerry walk into the lounge.

"Carter I need to talk to you." She said.

"I'm off Kerry what do you need." He said, "I really want to get out of here."

"John, are you going to tell me what is bugging you?" She said "You know that I am here to talk if you need too. Remember I'm your friend I'm not a foe."

"Why does everyone seem to think that something is bothering me?" He said, "Can't a guy have a bad day. Hell I'm not perfect."

"Yes you can have a bad day John, I have just never seen you take it out on patients before, that's not like you." She said, "And it's just that I am worried about you."

"Well Kerry there is no reason for you to worry about me. Nothing out of the ordinary is wrong. Everyone can stop worrying about poor John Carter." He said.

"Does this have anything to do with the disagreement that you and Abby had in the Ambulance Bay yesterday?" She asked.

"What if it does, what goes on between me and Abby is really no one else's business. I don't care if she did decide to pick the fight with me in the ambulance bay where everyone in the hospital could see and here what was going on between us. You know what hell I don't care if everyone knows that we are no longer together, but everyone sure as hell can leave me alone." He said point blankly to her.

"Come on Carter, I'm not the enemy here. I can't have one of my doctors treating patients like that." She said to him.

"It won't happen again Kerry. I put in a request for a month off, do me a favor and let me have the time off." He said.

"What do you want a month off for John?"

"Do you ask everyone who comes to you for some time off what they are going to do? I need a break Kerry I need to take a vacation, relieve some stress. Do you really have a problem with that? You have enough attending docs and med students around that you won't miss me." He said to her trying to make a point that he didn't need to tell her or anyone what was going on in his life.

"Yeah John, you can have a month off, but let me make myself perfectly clear on this point when you come back you had better have a better attitude that when you leave here today." She said to him.

"Oh don't worry Kerry I will. I'll let you know in three weeks if I even intend on coming back to County." John said heading out the door, "cause I really don't know if I want to deal with any of this anymore."

Kerry stood there shocked at what the young doctor had just said to her. What did John mean by that? There was more to this than what was meeting the eye. She just hoped that he wasn't headed down a road that he wouldn't be coming back from, or thinking of doing something even worse.

"John stop right there, what do you mean by that. You'll let me know if two weeks if you are coming back or not?" She said grilling him.

John turned looked at her and kept right on walking. He didn't feel like giving her a straight answer about that one. He didn't even fully know what he meant by it. Over his shoulder he shouted to her, "Just that Kerry. Hell if you want I can let you know tomorrow if I intend on coming back to work."

Kerry walked over to Abby and Susan who were both standing there with their mouths hanging open. "Do either of you know what this is about?"

"Kerry honestly I have no idea." Susan said, "John and I went out for dinner and drinks last night, but he didn't lead on to anything like this coming out of it."

"I think that I might know and I hope to god I am wrong." Abby said looking at the two of them.

"What Abby?" Kerry said. They all knew that something was wrong with John.

"John came over last night." She said to them, not knowing how much of this she should share with the two of them in the middle of the ER. "Let's go somewhere so that everyone doesn't overhear any of this."

The noticed that the ER had gotten quiet after what John had just said and Abby didn't want the entire staff to know what she was going to share with Susan and Kerry. That she was worried terribly worried about Carter right now.

Susan and Abby followed Kerry into the empty exam room. "What is it Abby?"

"Last night John came over and said that he wanted to make amends for what had happened. I told him that we couldn't just go back to the way things were, but he also mentioned to me that the reason that he had come over was that the nightmares that he had when Lucy died are back. That he had a pain deep inside him that he couldn't get rid of again. You can tell by looking at him that he isn't sleeping again. I'm afraid of what he will do. I think that he thinks everything between us is over, it's not. I need to go and talk to him before something terrible happens to him." Abby said with worry in her eyes.

Abby cared about John, she loved the man. She loved him greatly. She couldn't deny that to anyone. Most of all she couldn't deny that to even herself. She needed him just as much as he needed her. And right now John Carter really needed her.