Disclaimer: I do not own the Potter Universe: please don't sue me! Thanks for all the reviews! I really appreciate the feedback. Sorry this has taken so long, it has been midterms at school and I have a terrible cold. Thanks for sticking with me!
Chapter 17: Closer
"I'm pregnant Severus." Eleanor lathered his back a bit more and cringed as she heard his sigh.
"I see." He mustered, wanting nothing more than to hope beyond hope that somehow the child was actually his and not Satinus'. He turned slowly to face her and was shocked to see that she was crying. Eleanor had never been an overly emotional woman and often people termed her quite cold and unfeeling. That is why so many believed their marriage to be so compatible: they were both cold and unfeeling. Yet for all the people in the world, there was only one person Severus cared for and that was Eleanor, despite all of her faults.
"I don't want you to hate me Severus, I have rather grown to care for you more than before." She sympathized, wiping her cheeks and eyes before taking his hands.
"I suspected as much after the painting, the way your dress fit and all." He stood quickly and grabbed the first available towel. "I will need much time to consider this, Eleanor, and I sincerely hope that you will consider your place in my family and my home before returning to my brother once more." His words were icy and vague, something she wasn't used to from him. Her inner conflict between the man she had loved most of her life and the man she was now married to seemed in constant rivalry. She couldn't ever love Severus the way she loved Satinus, but she could never have Satinus. She magiced the drain to empty and followed Severus to their bedroom, but when she arrived, she saw all of his things had been moved or packed or something. Thereupon the table was a parchment she recognized to be in his handwriting stating simply, 'I've gone to Hogwarts, Return Indefinite, Yours, S'. She threw the parchment immediately into the flames and watched as he hope slowly burned.
Hermione watched him curiously as he spoke. The history she knew of him wasn't all sunshine and lilies, but she couldn't imagine him having done something so horrible that he wouldn't want to tell her. Upon reflection she wondered how she hadn't seen Eleanor in Sallie's face before; now it seemed so obvious. And her mind wandered even further to Sallie and Ron's wedding. She recalled mentioning how beautiful Sallie looked and Sever replied something to the effect of she looked quite like her mother in a tone that invited no further questions.
"I know you feel as though what you have to tell me is in some way detrimental to your character, but if you don't tell me, I'll be left to create something with my own imagination." He actually seemed a little more relaxed once she'd made her comment and stopped pacing at the door.
"Eleanor was never a modest woman, she liked to parade around the manor in nothing short of her underthings and for years I tried to ignore her advances because I believed we were too young to be so involved. When I was twenty-one, redeemed on the side of the light and teaching at Hogwarts, I knew she was seeing Satinus and I decided in jealousy to give in to the temptation and I did, quite often in fact. She would come to me at night when our parents were sleeping. She came to Hogwarts. I went to Dogwood, her family home. Eventually, though, it seemed that her affection for Satinus was growing and in jealousy, I began to visit her in his form. She would tell me she loved me, her appetite was insatiable." He stopped, gauging how Hermione was reacting to his admission thus far. Her eyes were wide, her cheeks flushed, but her hands were still caressing his in a steady, linear fashion.
"After we were bound, I only visited her once in his form and then swore I would never again. I felt like I was betraying myself to release the passion I had for her in his form. Her pregnant body was glorious. I admit freely that I tried desperately to pretend the child was mine and often asked her the plans and such for the child's arrival. She hated my interference and I honestly believe she began to hate the child as well. In retrospect, I think she wanted me to cast her out of my home, our home."
"How could anyone ever blame or hate a child?" Hermione whispered, saddened deeply at the thought of someone mistreating a child. She locked eyes with Severus and sighed, she had been expecting much worse from him.
"Eleanor was a very selfish person." His tone spoke volumes of how he felt about Eleanor, yet the pain of their relationship was obvious on his face.
"What happened when Sallie was born?" Immediately, the look in his eyes told her that the worst was yet to come.
"Eleanor went into labour on the twenty-second and wouldn't go to the hospital. She wanted to have the child at home and I obliged her, yet ignored her as much as possible. A healer arrived to aid in the delivery and implied that there were complications that Eleanor needed to leave for the hospital immediately. Eleanor was adamant that she wanted to have the child at home, so I told the healer to bring staff here. Some hours later, Eleanor went into shock and I was given a choice. I had indulged her our entire marriage, I tried everything to make her see that I could be just as devoted as my brother, but she consistently denied me everything. I was young and irresponsible, I wanted revenge. My choice was to try to save them both or save the baby. As much as I didn't know about children, I still wanted the child regardless. The pain Eleanor had caused me throughout my life caused me to act rashly. I told the healer to save the baby in case it was a boy, an heir. They didn't question me or take action against my decision. They knew it had been under her orders to have the baby at home, so they never assumed anything ill motives on my part. Eleanor became coherent long enough to look over the baby and basically died of blood loss and shock thirty minutes later. The mediwitch handed me the baby before closing off the room to prepare Eleanor's body. I remembered Eleanor saying she wanted to name the baby Sarah after her mother if it was a girl, so I obliged as a last effort to redeem myself. I named her Sarah Catherine, which was Eleanor's middle name and contacted Satinus immediately." He stood abruptly and left her alone on the lounge. He couldn't take the easy kindness she was offering him. He couldn't let her be so completely kind to him. Did she not understand that he had basically killed his wife to save a child that wasn't his?
"But she didn't want to live. You said she had regretted everything." She replied, almost reading his mind.
"Please don't try to justify my actions. I did not want her to live and short of casting an unforgivable, I killed her. I had been so obsessed with her for so long and her constant betrayal finally caught up with me." He faced her again, but saw only tears and sadness on Hermione's face. He had never told anyone the truth about the ordeal before. Even when Satinus threatened him with death, he told the same sugar-coated version he told everyone.
"So you gave Sallie to Satinus?"
"No, when he came here to say goodbye to Eleanor, we discussed the issue. Until he married Solaris, he wouldn't have adequate time or means to care for an infant, so I became her guardian. His name was placed on her birth certificate, but she remained with me. When they finally married, Solaris decided she didn't like the name Sarah and began calling her Sallie. Officially, her mother is Solaris Snape, the name was added when they married, and she will never know that I raised her for three years as my daughter." Hermione couldn't bare to look into his eyes now; something within her suddenly let insecure and as saddened as she was to admit it, she was terribly afraid of Severus for an instant. She sipped some water and closed her eyes. They hadn't been close for long, but he was certainly the type of man she could eventually marry or at least live with agreeably; however, instant thought of repeated images flashed before her. Severus with her at the hospital, concerned and comforting hold Sidney, sneering at her when they left the next morning. And then images of him above her, telling her he didn't love her or their child. 'Where did that come from', she instantly thought.
"But didn't Sallie want you, I mean as a child we want our parents, our familiars." Hermione's speech stuttered a bit as she asked her questions. Too many separate thoughts and questions presented themselves at one.
"I modified her memory. She has no recollection of our time together at all. And Solaris adored her. They were worried they wouldn't have children of their own, so they doted on her quite a lot." Hermione felt a sigh of relief at his words and knowing that the lady that had pretended to be Sallie's mother was kind was refreshing. Without thinking, she came to his side and embraced him tightly. 'Everyone makes mistakes', she kept repeating to herself. Her hands travelled all about his frame, trying desperately to communicate her understanding and elation at knowing how much he trusted her with such a secret. Looking into his eyes, she leaned forward and kissed him tenderly on his stunned lips.
"Thank you for trusting me, Severus." She said, still unsure about his capabilities.
"I wish I hadn't been so selfish and vengeful in my youth, but I wanted to tell you to show you the difference in my character now. I would treat you so cruelly, Hermione and nothing could ever make me disrespect you in such a way." She kissed him again and found that although he had done horrible things in his past, he had spent his adult like making up for it. People could only endure so much pressure and pain before they fell apart.
"I am quite tired, do you mind if we finish this discussion in the morning?" Hermione asked, stifling a yawn.
"Of course, would you allow me to walk with you?" She nodded and they left the breakfast room to venture down the hallway, he captured her arm with his and hoped she was sincere in trying to understand his sordid past.
"Oh, Sidney's crying!" Hermione broke free of his arm and came to Sidney's bassinet where the tiny babe was wailing. Hermione lifted her slowly, cautiously and laid her against her shoulder. She wouldn't stop. Hermione changed her nappy and then began to rock her again, but her cries only seemed to intensify.
"If I may?" Severus reached out for Sidney and cradled her softly to his own chest, her cries continued until he began to run his index finger over her lips and then slowly up her tiny spine. Sidney's eyes flashed open and caught his as her cries became whimpers and then slowly, she was just staring at him.
"How did you do that?" Hermione asked, watching him being so out of character, so loving and soft.
"Just something I learned with Sarah." He paused and met her eyes. " She seems calmer now, I will bid you goodnight." He handed Sidney to Hermione and leaned down to kiss her cheek. At times, Severus was an enigma, something Hermione would have difficulty solving, but would eventually figure out. She rather liked the game.
That night, however, vivid nightmares plagued her sleep. Dreams of being locked up in the dungeons, being pregnant and killing her own child, swirled around her brain in a mist of fury. Horrid, garish nightmares that left her breathless upon waking. Sidney slept through the night and when her cries finally stirred her at six-thirty, she was quite relieved. She fed, changed and bathed Sidney before taking her in the portable bassinet down to the breakfast room to join Atticus and Severus for breakfast.
"Good morning Atticus, how was your rest?" Hermione asked as she placed the bassinet on the desk.
"Glad it's Saturday, not tutoring!" He smiled and stuffed a spoonful of mash and kippers in his mouth. She laughed heartily, thinking of Ron at breakfast times when they were younger.
"Good morning." Hermione said ash Severus same in the breakfast room from his study. He looked exhausted. It seemed that perhaps nightmares had plagued him too.
"How was your rest?" Hermione asked Severus as he sat beside her softly.
"Well enough." His tone made her understand that perhaps he didn't want to discuss such things with Atticus at the table. She smiled at him regardless of his tine and looked over at Sidney who seemed to be fascinated with the chandelier above the desk.
"Do you like the chandelier, poppet? Hmmm?" Hermione watched as Sidney's tiny mouth stretched upwards in her first real smile. Hermione, laughing, came to her side and stroked her reddened cheeks before returning to her grapefruit and tea.
"I would like to go to the bookstore today." Hermione said between sips of her tea. She eyed Severus to see how accommodating he felt and beamed when he nodded his head gently.
"I'm sure Sarah and Ronald would be pleased to see you, considering they aren't here almost every evening." She met his gaze, smirking at his sarcasm and then standing. No more than an hour later, Sidney, Hermione, Atticus and Severus left for the walk from Sedna Station to Gentry and Hermione's beloved bookstore. With Severus, Hermione felt quite safe from any possible attack, yet still wondered if he felt at all uncomfortable about the information he'd shared the previous evening.
"Hermione! It's so good to see you out and about." Sallie giggled, as if she hadn't seen her the day before.
"I wanted to see how everything was going. Has the April order form been sent?" Hermione walked with Sidney to the register and scanned the lists. Everything seemed to be in order for the time being and she honestly missed the every day job of running her store.
"Sidney smiled this morning." Hermione said laying Sidney in the mobile bassinet she'd left at the store.
"Was it glorious?" Sallie asked, both women gushing looking down at the amber-haired baby.
"I wanted to cry." Hermione met Sallie's face and for the first time she saw a hint of both the Snape line and Eleanor in it. She had a stern brow like Severus, but Hermione assumed that Satinus must have had similar features.
"I've never felt something like that before." Hermione added, smoothing Sidney's soft skin, her fingers, running circles over her.
"Let's see if Uncle and Ron have killed each other." When they returned, Severus and Ron were arguing over the layout of the new Arsenius Jigger potions text but stopped as the ladies approached.
"Are you ready to leave?" Hermione asked seeing the obvious tension between the men.
"With haste." Was all she heard as he ushered her to the door.
"May I stay with Sallie for a bit longer, it is her birthday." Atticus asked Severus as they reached the door.
"Have you asked your sister? Don't assume she wants you around all day." Severus asked, pointing to Sallie.
"He can stay until dinner, we're still having it at Snape Manor, right?" Sallie came to her Uncle's side and patted his arm. She could tell something was bothering him as the paused at the door.
"Very well, until dinner. Seven sharp." Sallie rushed forward and kissed his cheek tenderly, before kissing Hermione's as well. All suddenly, Hermione wondered if Severus had become so closed off to emotion because he had had to give up this girl before them, this daughter that wasn't and couldn't ever be his. The walk home was quiet, but the feel of his fingers on her elbow surprised her. He had never physically harmed her on purpose and she knew that all of his anxiety in telling her about his past was vanishing slowly with her own gentle fingertips on his forearm.
"Thank you for accompanying me, Severus, I really needed to go somewhere."
"Perhaps a visit there regularly would help?" She reached up to his face and traced his cleanly shaven chin before kissing him quickly.
"Yes, that would help. The walk was nice and I believe Sidney really enjoyed it as well/" He laughed looking down at the bundle against her chest.
"She had remained asleep the entire time, dear." Hermione laughed with him while trying her best to ignore his term of endearment. He wasn't one to show his affection so openly, but she also didn't want to embarrass him with her happiness.
Hermione placed Sidney in her crib and watched her sleep, wondering what dreams a baby so young could have. She straightened the blankets, smoothed her wild hair, and waited for any sign of life. Moments passed and Hermione forgot just how long she'd been standing there, looking down at her child.
"You need to rest." She heard from behind her.
"I have a fear that if I sleep, I'll wake up and this won't be real." His arms wrapped her as his chin came to rest on her shoulder.
"You aren't dreaming, all parts of this world are real, even the dark ones." He slowly turned her around to face him, his arms still tight around her waist.
"I worry that Sidney and I are imposing on your hospitality, Severus. I don't want you to feel obligated to spend time with me." Her voice quivered a bit as she spoke, sadness and despair enveloped her before she could imagine his reaction. She hated to seem so insecure in his presence.
"You must understand that if I tired of your presence, or felt taken upon, I would in form you forthright. I don't want anymore falsities or lies between us." Severus leaned down and captured her in a kiss, one she hadn't been expecting. His hands travelled up and down her back as her hands began to cup his face. She hadn't known such passion could reside in a man so seemingly closed off from every emotion.
"What I told you last night, I needed to tell you. For once, I want to be completely honest with you about my life, including my past." She understood exactly what he meant and jumped to kiss him softly once more. His lips were cold, but still full and now red with blood and excitement. She liked the feel of his lips against her warm ones, all tingly and velvety. She pushed him away from Sidney's bassinet and then pulled him tightly to her once again.
"If we are beginning with honesty, there are some things I must tell you." His faced seemed surprised by her interjection, but amused at the same time.
"It's only fair, of course." He quipped, but the look in her eyes suddenly made him feel she was going to reveal something tragic.
"I stole from you in second year and before that I set fire to your robes at the Quidditch game. When my husband came to talk to you about the hedges, he didn't know you were my former professor. That night, he came home and talked of the easiness of your conversation. He seemed so enamoured with you, in a completely platonic way of course. I don't know why I am telling you or what significance will come from it, but oh well. In school, I defended you a great deal whenever Ron or Harry would call you some horrid name, I defended you. I have always seen the real you, even if I didn't know your true history." She smiled meekly at home and then turned her attention to the wedding band on her right hand. It would be a year in one month. A whole year since she'd received the phone call that Wallace would be coming home late, not to worry or wait up. The silver shimmered slightly as she held it up to the light. The obsidian created a prism as well. In haste, she walked from him and walked to her jewellery box and stopped short to slide the circle of silver off of her finger. The instant it touched the velvet lining, she knew that she could not, would not ever put the ring on again. When she turned to face Severus, she was surprised to see him holding Sidney against his chest.
"Your daughter was wakeful." Hermione walked to them, eyes brimming with unshed tears and rubbed her daughters back.
"Thank you." She said, taking the girl into her arms. Sidney opened her eyes and peeked up at Hermione, smiling again.
"She has smiled twice today, does that make me a good mother?" She asked, rhetorically.
"You are a good mother." He replied.
"Sallie and Ron will be here soon." She leaned forward and kissed him again, Sidney quiet against her chest.
"Very well, ready yourself for an interesting dinner." Severus turned swiftly and exited her rooms. Hermione fed Sidney, changed her and then lay on the bed for a brief rest. The day had flown by quickly, yet so much had seemed to happen. After running a brush through her hair, she crept slowly downstairs to see if Sallie and Ron had arrived. Apparently they had, but when she walked by Atticus' rooms, she heard muffled crying. He had been having a rest as well and apparently the nightmares were contagious. His room was decorated much like hers, yet where hers was purple and yellow his was blue and green. She came to his side and stroked his cheeks trying to calm him so he could rest. In sleep he looked a great deal like Severus and overwhelmingly, Hermione wondered what it would be like to have his child. Would he be a good father? Instantly, just as the thought had come to her, she squashed it down within her. Severus wasn't her husband, her lover. She had only just given birth a month before to another man's child, her missed husband of almost six years, she shouldn't have been thinking of another man so quickly.
"Hermione, it was so horrible. I saw Sallie, she was crying and Harrison was dead. He was broken." Atticus launched up from his sleep and wrapped his arms tightly around Hermione, his little hands in fists.
"Oh, but honey that isn't going to happen. It was only a terrible dream. Walk with me to the hall and we will find your sister, okay?" She smoothed his hair back and kissed his forehead.
"Would you please just sit with me for a second, I will feel better." Hermione nodded and held the small boy. She remembered the first time she'd seen him the previous July in the bookstore, asking about trains. He was dark like Severus, all pale and severe, but his eyes were a warm brown unlike Severus' and Michael's. Sallie had the same warm eyes, except hers were hazel like Eleanor. Hermione sighed and pulled away from Atticus to see if he was feeling better.
"Did you make something for Sallie?" She asked, noticing the oddly shaped package on his bedside table.
"I saved up my money since Christmas and bought her something this year. I miss having Mum and Dad at birthdays. I mean, Uncle Severus had been, well it's not like I had them for very long. I was only four when they died, almost five, but still too young. She gave me this picture book when they died so I would always have them to remember, but I can't remember much." He handed the book to Hermione and she braced herself, wondering what Solaris and Satinus would look like. She opened the book and saw at first a gaggle of children, a child's birthday party. Then, upon turning the page, she looked directly into the eyes of Severus's brother, a man who looked nothing like she thought he would. He was shorter, broader, and lighter. His skin was pale, but his hair was a hayseed brown and his eyes were blue, like the Malfoys. Solaris was the dark one, her eyes were like coal and her hair too. She looked to Atticus and for once thought that he looked more like Solaris and Severus than Satinus.
"That is lovely, sweetheart." Hermione closed the book and helped Atticus stand. As they walked through the hall into the dining hall, she looked to Sallie and Severus and a thought entered her mind that hadn't before, what is Eleanor had only thought it was Satinus visiting her, what if she had become pregnant during a time when Severus was using the polyjuice. She watched them laugh together and then, came to Severus' side, determined to find a way to either prove or disprove her theory.
