My partner in crime is AWOL, so I thought I'd update for ya'll.

Remember, Schwartzibrow loves each and every one of you. Yes, you.


Mia's POV

"He can't even kiss!" giggled Mia. "I swear to God, he licked my nose once. I practically had to teach him…"

The princess' cheeks reddened slightly. "Well, he hasn't ever had sex, you know…"

"He's afraid of girls," said Michael's mother, laughing…

"When Michael can't sleep, he cuddles with a raggedy Cookie Monster doll he got as a baby…"

"Michael keeps a picture of his parents under his pillow…"

"He once locked himself in his apartment for three weeks and didn't even come out for food. I think he lived off Saltines and water…"

"This one time, we went to the ocean as a family," said his mother. "After a while, Michael came over, jumping up and down and saying he had to go to the bathroom. Now, the nearest restroom was, like, a mile up the boardwalk, so I just told Michael to go in the ocean." Mrs. Wilson broke into giggles, and took a moment to compose herself. "Anyway, I looked up a moment later to see Michael standing at the edge of the ocean—his swimming trunks around his ankles—peeing into the ocean."

"He made me call him Hot Pants."

"Oh, yeah. He was the girl in West Went Wally. They didn't even have to use makeup!"

"The tops of his ears turn red when he's lying."

Oh, God.

Oh, GOD.

OH, MY DEAR LORD.

"Tina, I didn't even say all this." I am trying to remain calm. I will not scream. I will not cry. I will not hyperventilate.

"But, uh, it is true to everything you told me he said. So…oh, Mia, I'm so sorry!"

I plunked down on the couch. So…so…it looks like I went to all these magazines and told them Michael's innermost secrets. They even had the story of our break-up! And they didn't even mention that Michael locked himself in his apartment for three weeks because he was grief-stricken over his grandfather.

So he looks like an insensitive nut job.

And I look like a fame whore.

I'm never going to breathe properly again.

They even brought his mom into this! She's going to hate me. His whole family's going to hate me.

Most of all, Michael will hate me.

I'm the one who's supposed to hate him! He broke my heart.

And I just exploited the whole thing.

I suppose I should be all "Revenge is sweet" but I can't even think right now.

"It's not your fault, Tina," I said quietly. It is her fault, though. But I should've never told her everything. And the last thing I need right now is a fight with my best friend.

Tina hugged me tightly. "Hey, at least you got payback."

I nodded a little, but just before the tears started rolling, someone knocked loudly at the door.

Michael's POV

I wasn't quite ready to completely lose my mind without at least talking to Mia first. She at least owes me a civil conversation after what she just did.

You know what? I'm starting not to feel sorry for ending things with her—even though I wasn't even planning on it.

This break-up is all her fault, really. Then she went and morphed into every other girl and exploited me to the press.

I don't even want to think about all of this now. My mom called my cell phone crying earlier, assuring me she had nothing to do with this.

Nobody makes my mother cry, damnit.

After a minute of furious pounding on the Thermopolis' front door, I was greeted by the friend, who looked at me with wide eyes.

"Can I speak to Mia?" I said gruffly. I was decked out in my celebrity incognito outfit. Sunglasses, ski cap pulled low, black coat…the whole nine yards. Sure, I looked a little ridiculous, but the last thing I want is a run-in with the press.

I've even got a couple of bodyguards trailing me, and I hardly ever use security when I go out.

"Um," was all Deena had to say.

But Mia herself appeared in the doorway a moment later, her eyes red.

I made her cry. And she doesn't even know that it was all a misunderstanding.

Wait! What do I care about her feelings? She's the one who just threw away any chance we had of repairing this.

"So you saw the magazine?" she asked meekly.

"Magazines," I corrected, folding my arms over my chest.

There was about five seconds of tense silence, and then we both started yelling simultaneously.

"I can't believe you did that! Seriously, how immature can you get!"

"I thought you cared about me more than Skywalkers and Wookies!"

Not any more, I don't.

Mia looked nervously up and down the street. "You should come inside."

I stepped inside the loft, ready to start yelling again.

"Deena, get out," I snapped, noticing her watching our livid faces avidly.

"It's Tina," retorted Mia. She turned to her friend, sounding apologetic. "I need to talk to Michael alone."

As soon as Tina had gone, I turned to Mia, raising my eyebrows. "Well?"

"Well what?"

Well plenty! "Don't you have something you want to tell me?"

Mia feigned contemplation. "Um, let me see…you're an asshole and I never want to speak to you again?"

"Yeah, well, at least I had the decency to keep this between the two of us."

Her eyes narrowed. "I wouldn't use the word 'decent' in regards to anything you've done lately."

I took a deep breath and headed for the door, turning on my heel one last time to face Mia. "So are you going to get them to print a retraction?"

"Hey, if you wanted to tell me the lies, why can't the rest of the world hear them?" I wanted to shake that silly triumphant grin off her face.

I shifted from left to right, biting my lip. "Look, tell yourself whatever you want to ease your conscience, but I'm going to tell you the truth."

"That'd be refreshing."

"Just shut up for one second, would ya?" I twitched involuntarily, trying not to look at that bratty little face I used to think I loved. "I'm asking you to do me a favor. You hurt my family and you hurt me with that. Are you going to print a retraction?"

"No," said Mia finally.

I stomped out the door, not caring if I didn't see her or her stupid apartment ever again.

Mia's POV

So maybe I came off as a bit cold and unfeeling.

But just step in my shoes for a minute.

If he had just apologized for hurting me, maybe I would've been a bit more sympathetic. But it's not as if he hasn't told thousands of girls these lies before. He just didn't want it to go public that he's a complete asshole.

Really, this has been coming to Michael for a long time. See if George Lucas wants him now.

Ha!