Chapter 2
I was laying on my bed holding my stress ball like I had been doing for the past month or so. Nothing to do. I looked at the clock for what must have been the tenth time in ten minutes. Noon. 'I should get up.' I thought to myself. 'I should eat.' But I didn't feel like it. I just wanted to lie in bed and sleep. Just a good night's sleep and I would be able to do anything, but I hadn't gotten that yet. After that dream I had, I wasn't able to go back to sleep, which means, if I've done the math correctly, I had only gotten about three, maybe four hours of sleep since I'd gotten home. Not what you'd call a fresh start.
I let out a defeated sigh and carefully rolled myself out of bed. I walked sleepily to the bathroom and leaned my aching body against the sink, my head tilted towards the ground. After letting out a deep breath and rubbing at my sleep-deprived eyes, I looked around the counter for my meds. I hated having to take them, but I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function. I poured out two of the small pills into my slightly shaking hand and took them as I turned around to turn the shower faucet. I was looking forward to taking a shower. Is that lame? I mean, I guess it can't be that bad, considering…
Sponge baths really suck.
I stepped into the steamy water after having carefully taken off the white gauze that seemed to be holding my face together. I hated taking it off. I hated seeing what was underneath it… But who could blame me? I was hideous.
I stretched my arms out in front of me, letting my full body's weight be supported by the wet wall of the shower, and let the hot water run down my aching face. It felt good; soothing. I turned around, now letting the water run gently down my sore back. I couldn't help but look down at my stomach to see the deep scar that had been so truculently inflicted by that second bullet. Looking lower, at my leg, I caught site of the even bigger scar that had been left there after my surgery. Scars everywhere. Everywhere I looked, it was all I saw; all anyone saw.
Stepping out of the shower, I grabbed a towel and quickly wiped myself dry. Having wrapped the warm towel around my waist, I took one last look in the mirror, bringing my hand up to touch my face. "Damn."
I walked out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom, where I immediately had to sit down. I was already worn out completely from having to stand for that long in the shower, and then having to walk from there to my room… This was going to be a long day.
Tap tap tap. There was a knock at the door. 'Faith.' I thought. She had said yesterday that she was going to come over, but I thought maybe she would call first. I hurried to zip up my jeans and carefully pull on a white tee and made my way over to the door.
I unlocked the deadbolt, and then the handle, and opened the door to see Faith standing at my door. She had a smile on her face.
"What?" I asked defensively. "What, do I have a booger or somethin'?" I wiped at my nose to make sure there was nothin' there, and watched Faith laugh at my over-reaction.
"Nothin', Bos." She stepped inside as I moved to let her come in. She looked around my place as if she were some kind of home-inspector or something, checking the walls, the couch… pretty much just scanning the room. What was this, some kind of home makeover show?
"Sorry 'bout the place. I haven't really… well… gotten a chance to straighten up some stuff." I said, hoping that would make up for any rudeness due to the mess.
"Oh," She laughed, "No, it's fine, Bosco. How ya doin'?" She asked, setting down her purse and making herself comfortable on the couch. It was weird, I don't think Faith had ever come over to my place like this before. It was nice; almost natural.
"I'm doin' alright, you know. Got a shower this morning'… I tell ya what, after six months of sponge baths, you'd be surprised at how much you miss a simple shower." I laughed at myself and sat down next to Faith.
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
Stupid. That was stupid of me. Of course she knew what I meant. She had been in the same situation a year before… I sighed and shifted my weight uncomfortably upon realizing my mistake, but Faith just shrugged it off like it was nothing. I appreciated that.
We sat there for a little while, just looking at each other quietly. I don't think I had ever been so glad to see her in my life, aside from the day she had been shot. It was finally starting to hit me that I was lucky to even be able to see her at all…
"It's healin' up well."
I didn't understand what she meant at first, until I noticed her eyes shift over to the right side of my face. My face. I hadn't covered it up after my shower that morning. Damn it. I reflexively shot my hand up to cover the unsightly scar and started to stand, darting my eyes around the room, searching for a place to quickly hide myself. I was completely embarrassed…
"No, Bosco." Faith protested at my standing, but, regardless, I started walking towards my bedroom. "Bos, wait a minute!" Faith jumped up off the couch to chase after me. I felt her hand on my back, gently edging me to stop… so I did. I lowered my face to the ground, not even bothering to turn around. I didn't want to face her. I didn't want her to see my face.
"Bosco, look at me." She walked around to the front of me, realizing that I wasn't going to be turning to her any time soon. I was still looking down at my feet, hoping that maybe with my head at that angle, I could hide from it. Hide from myself, if you will.
"You need to stop this, okay? It's me, Bosco. What are you tryin' to hide from, huh? A scar?" She was looking at me now, really looking. I could feel the deep stare almost burn a hole in me. "A scar that'll do nothing but remind me of how you risked… almost gave up your life to protect me?"
She put her hand to my chin, pulling my head back up at eye level with hers. I finally brought my eyes up, forcing myself to look at her. She was honest-to-God serious... She seemed almost sad. "You don't have to hide, Bosco." She whispered.
Normally I would have pulled away from her; headed back in the other direction. I've never been good at all this 'heartfelt' stuff, but for whatever reason, this time felt different. Faith was looking me straight in the eye and telling me the truth, and I was finally willing to listen.
She was right.
What did I have to hide from her? What had I ever needed to hide from Faith? Nothing. Simple as that. Absolutely nothing ever needed to kept secret in our partnership… our friendship… our…..
We had tried that card before; tried hidin' things from each other, and where did that get us? Shot.
I saw a tear slide down her cheek. She was still gazing at me, holding my chin with her hand, but now, along with the no-nonsense sincerity, there were tears. Why was she crying? Was I really that important to her? I can't even try to imagine why I would be… but it was all in her face; all in her tears.
"Don't do that again." She said, gently.
"I'll tell you everything."
"No, don't get hurt again."
It's funny how things turn out, isn't it?
Faith left soon after that. I guess we both thought it was too weird for her to stay any longer after what had just happened… we'd never been that close before; never had a conversation that meant as much. I mean, I always knew it was there, I just didn't… I don't think either of us knew how to show it.
I ran my fingers through my hair as I tried to sort through my mind what was going on with me. I was so confused about everything. It's almost as if I'd had some sort of revelation or somethin' while I was rottin' in that hospital. I had had time to think about things. A little too much time, I think.
What was goin' on with me? I had never felt like this before, but I didn't even know what it was. All I could gather up in my damaged brain of mine was that what I was feeling… it was good. It wasn't like anything I'd felt in the past two years. There was no pain, no sadness, no guilt… but it wasn't happiness. I wasn't happy; I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me; if I'd go back to work or not; if I'd ever get over this horrible scar on my face… It wasn't happiness.
It was faith.
…..Now things make sense…..
Faith.
I think… No, I know that I'd been avoiding my feelings about Faith since I met her. I knew that she was my partner, and because of that, I'd do anything to protect her. I'm your partner. I was there for you. I'll always be there for you. I knew that she was my best friend; my only friend, and because of that, I loved her. Any decent person loves their best friend, right?
But… is that it? Does it end there? For the past thirteen years, my answer had been simply yes. 'Of course it ends there. I've been watching you. She's Faith. Really? I'm flattered. But I'm married. She's married. You didn't think I'd go all out for my partner? She's your partner… I'm just getting confused is all.'
Had I just been kiddin' myself? We knew each other inside out. Every little thought, every secret, every fact, every single emotion… I can talk to her without ever talking. Everything.
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
I didn't know. I didn't understand anything that I was trying to figure out that night. All my thoughts just sort of blurred together into one big blob… The only thing that was clear was Faith. But what did it mean?
TBC…
