Disclaimer: I have only borrowed these characters for my own amusement. I own nothing.

AN: Very long chapter but I couldn't seem to bring it to a close. Hope everyone enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Chapter 42 In A Crazy World Like This

In a crazy, crazy world like this, it's easy to feel all alone

You give me the strength I need to exist, just hold me and don't let me go

In a crazy, crazy world like this

Sometimes I don't know lately what will ease the pain

On every corner of the street, sometimes it's all too insane

Baby you just got somethin', that's why I came home

It's somethin' I really need an' now we can be alone

Pat Benatar "In A Crazy World Like This"

After Amber and Remus had left, Alexis walked over to Snape and started toying with the buttons on his shirt, "What say we make an early night of it?"

Snape gave her a kiss on her forehead, "There is nothing I would prefer more, but I really must grade some papers. I have gotten behind on some of my work and I need to get caught up before this weekend. Why don't you go ahead to bed? I'll be there before to long."

"Is it something I could help you with?" Alexis offered, "That way you could finish faster."

"These papers are from an advanced potions class."

"I'm sorry Severus, if I had realized you were going to have to stay up late working I never would have invited Amber and Remus to stay for dinner," Alexis said with concern.

"No. We needed to discuss the plans for the wedding. It won't take me long to finish the papers. You go on to bed," Snape urged.

Alexis nodded slowly in agreement. For the first time in their relationship she felt like Snape was anxious to get rid of her, "Good night then," she reached up to give him a kiss and at the last minute he turned his head so her lips landed on his cheek.

Trying to hide her hurt, Alexis got ready for bed.

When Alexis looked in at him before retiring to the bedroom, Snape was bent over a large stack of papers working diligently at his desk.

When Snape saw the lights go off in the bedroom he buried his face in his hands. He didn't know if he was strong enough to make it through the next nine months but he had to be. He couldn't allow the same thing to happen to Alexis as had happened to the only other woman to ever truly love him. If it meant denying himself, than so be it. It would be better to do without the sex than to do without her.

Amber was still in Remus' arms when they disapparated in front of her cottage. As he moved to the door, she waved her wand in its general direction causing it to swing open.

She stopped nibbling on his neck just long enough to tell him, "Up the stairs, first door on the right.'

Remus somehow managed to make it up the stairs. He heard the slam of the front door behind him as he entered her bedroom. Her hands were already working on the fastenings of his robes as he placed her on the bed. He was startled when she pulled him down onto the bed and then flipped him so that he was lying on his back. Amber smiled down at him as she slowly began to unfasten her robes. She tossed her robes over a chair next to the bed and then with one swift move pulled her jumper over her head and it too flew through the air. Alexis was now in nothing but her lace bra and skirt. She moved to straddle Remus' hips.

Remus lifted his hands and filled them with her generous breasts: plucking at her nipples causing the lace to create a delicious friction against the sensitive nubs. Amber reached up and pulled the pins from her hair releasing the silken strands to fall around her shoulders. Amber could feel the evidence of Remus' arousal pushing against her through his trousers and her panties.

Leaning forward, her hair forming a curtain around them, Amber gave Remus a passionate kiss. He invited her tongue in and began to gently suck on it. She purred as his hands moved around to her back and undid the hooks on her bra letting it slide down her arms. Remus broke the kiss to move his attention to her nipples. Taking as much of her breast in his mouth as he could he began a hungry sucking that had her moaning in pleasure. Turning his attention to her other breast he began to lip and suck on the nipple until it was a pebble hard bead.

Amber had managed to get Remus' shirt open and was exploring his chest. Running questioning fingers over the hard ridges of his well defined muscles, she memorized the feel of his skin: smooth and hot.

She felt his hands on the waist of her skirt and she heard the soft sshh of her zipper sliding down. He moved back enough to pull the skirt up over her head leaving her now in nothing but a thong. Before he could return his attention to her, her fingers were on his belt unbuckling it and then unzipping his pants. She slide her hands inside and her eyes widened in delight as she found only skin. Freeing his erection she cupped it in both hands before leaning down and giving it a tasting lick. She felt him jerk at the feel of her tongue on the sensitive skin. Giving him a wicked grin, she lowered her head and took him in her mouth, swirling her tongue around and over and under him. He was to much for her mouth so she used her hands to create the proper friction.

Remus' head fell back on the bed and his eyes closed as the incredible warm wetness encompassed him bringing him almost to the edge. His hands moved down to urge her back up but she just batted them away and continued with what she was doing. He tried one last time to warn her so she could move away, but she just redoubled her efforts until she was rewarded with his groan of release.

Remus managed to crack one eye open when he felt her tugging his pants down and off. His pants joined her robe and jumper on the chair near the bed. He watched as she shimmied out of her thong and then crawled back up the bed. When she was close enough he grabbed her and flipped her over so that his body covered hers. He let the hair on his chest graze her nipples as he began to kiss his way down her body. He dipped his tongue in her belly button causing her to giggle and squirm.

He reached the apex of her thighs. His senses were heightened by his condition and her scent caused him to immediately become erect again. Using his fingers to part her folds he found her clitoris swollen with her arousal. He began to flick it with his tongue: just barely brushing it with the very tip. Soon she was begging him for more, but he just continued the exquisite torture. When he felt to delay any longer would indeed be cruel, he slipped a finger into her tightness and his mouth latched on and began to suck and stimulate her until he felt the waves of her orgasm milk his finger.

Before the last waves had crested, he entered her in one smooth thrust. He had to stop because the feelings were too intense. He was afraid that if he moved, it would all be over before it really began. When he had a tenuous control of himself, he began a steady rhythmic motion. Amber's legs wrapped around his waist and he could feel her lock her ankles at the small of his back as she found and matched his movement. When he felt her tighten around him, he could no longer hold back and emptied himself as she reached her second peak that night.

They both lay spent on the bed. Neither could find the energy to move until Remus felt Amber's slight shiver from the cold. Mustering the little strength he had left, he picked her up and tucked her under the covers before joining her. Amber snuggled up to him, appreciating the warmth he seemed to radiate. In no time they were both fast asleep.

It was Friday afternoon and Alexis had gone beyond frustrated to furious. She could not figure out what was going on with Snape. Sunday night was the last time they had made love. Every time she had tried to instigate something he had made an excuse and pulled away. He would wait until she was asleep before coming to bed and then be up and gone before she woke up in the morning. When she tried to talk to him about it he just made some kind of feeble excuse and changed the subject. Enough was enough. She was going to find out what bee had gotten up his bum and squash the little bugger before they got married tomorrow. She was going to have a wedding night Saturday or be a widow on Sunday!

After Snape's last class, Alexis followed him into their quarters. She told him she was going to take a nap before dinner to lull him into a false since of security. She almost threw something at him when she saw the look of relief flash across his face.

Alexis waited until she could hear Snape settle at his desk. She had only pretended to get into the bed so as to make no noise sneaking back into the sitting room. Stealthily making her way to the door, she peeked around and saw Snape immersed in his work. She quickly cast a binding charm, before walking up to the struggling wizard.

"What do you think you are doing?" he hissed.

Alexis blanched; she had never seen him this furious before. She hardened her resolve, a marriage could not be a success if the couple could not or would not communicate, "One of the few rules I will insist upon in our marriage is that we talk with each other. If something is bothering one of us, then it must be shared with the other one. So spill it big boy. Is the thought of my being pregnant so repugnant to you?" Alexis asked.

Snape's teeth were clenched, "Release me at once woman."

"Not until we talk about what is bothering you. Every time I try to talk about it, you change the subject and leave the room. I want to know why you don't find me attractive any more," Alexis was trying to remain composed.

"What foolishness is this? Of course I still find you attractive," Snape glared at her.

"Then why won't you touch me anymore?" Alexis asked.

"Because you are pregnant," Snape hissed out, "now release me."

Alexis didn't even try to hide the hurt she felt at his words, "I'm not even showing yet and so just the thought of me being pregnant repulses you?"

Snape jerked at her words and tried to reach out to her but Alexis moved out of his reach.

"No! You have completely misunderstood," he insisted.

"Well then explain it to me?" Alexis pleaded.

"You're pregnant and I don't want to hurt you," Snape confessed.

Alexis took a deep breath and tried to reign in her emotions, but then gave it up as a lost cause. Walking over to Snape she punched him in the arm, "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say," then she leaned down and kissed him, "and the sweetest. Finite Incantatem. Now come with me," Alexis grabbed Snape's hand from where he was rubbing his arm and pulled him to his feet.

Alexis wouldn't listen to any of Snape's protests and dragged him to the hospital. Poppy came out of her office, "What is the meaning of all this commotion? Oh it is you two. What's wrong now?"

"Poppy, Severus needs the expectant father talk. He is afraid he is going to hurt me if we are intimate," Alexis explained.

Snape was now completely flustered. He retreated behind a mask of icy disdain.

Before he could make a sarcastic comment, Poppy took his arm and escorted him into her office and shut the door. Alexis settled down to wait. Thirty minutes later, she left a note and went down to The Great Hall and had something to eat. Although she found it wasn't as much fun without Snape there to take half her food and give her disapproving looks. Returning to the infirmary, Alexis noticed that Poppy's door was still shut. Settling down in a visitor's chair, Alexis began leafing through a copy of "Witch Weekly" that someone had left.

She was half way through an article on Wonderful Ways to Wow Your Wizard, when she heard a thump coming from Poppy's office. Looking up, she waited to see if they were finished. When the door didn't open she went back to her article: number ten looked very interesting. She never would have thought to use a wand, a banana, whipped cream and a feather duster like that. Alexis found a spare bit of parchment and began to make notes.

She had finished the article, reviewed the notes she had made on the article, read the magazine back to front twice and still there was no sign of Poppy or Snape being finished. Alexis propped her head up on her hand and started daydreaming. Next thing she knew, Poppy's door had slammed open and a wild-eyed Professor Snape came tearing out of the office as if all the furies of Hades were after him.

Poppy followed at a more moderate rate, "Now Severus, you did very well. You only passed out that once. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to come to me."

Snape just stared at her for a moment before turning to Alexis and lifting her in his arms. He hugged her so tightly that she could barely squeak out a protest, "Severus you're smushing me."

"I am never going to touch you again," Snape vowed fervently.

"Poppy, what did you tell him?" Alexis cried.

Snape replied before Poppy could say anything, "She showed me pictures of actual women giving birth. The pictures moved. It was horrible. I promise I will never put you through this again," and Snape pulled Alexis into another breath defying embrace.

"Get off me," Alexis' voice was muffled from being pressed so firmly into Snape's robes. She finally managed to get breathing room although Snape still refused to let her go completely.

Alexis glared over at Poppy, "Exactly what type of pictures did you show him?"

"Your standard healer texts showing the stages of birth," Poppy explained with a slight smirk.

"Severus, snap out of it. It will be fine. And you sure as hell better plan on touching me again," Alexis demanded.

Snape looked down at her and mumbled something that sounded like, "Size of a quaffle out of a hole the size of a snitch," while sadly shaking his head.

Alexis winced as she realized to what Snape was referring, "Darling. While I've never given birth, I do know that it will be messy and painful. I am prepared for that. What I am not prepared for is you not touching me: especially ever again," Alexis looked over at Poppy, "Is there any reason for us not to enjoy normal sexual relations?"

"There is absolutely no reason that you should not be able to have sex. We will keep an eye on your pregnancy and if any conditions develop that would change this I will let you know. In fact if you are overdue, sex can actually encourage labor," Poppy said with a wicked grin.

Severus was looking at Alexis as if she were the bravest person he had ever met, "You already knew about how this happens?"

"I've seen moving pictures of babies being born. I have had labor described in excruciating detail by women who have experienced it. But they all agree that it is worth it," Alexis leaned into him, "I want to have your children and so far this is the only way to do so. When these two are about two or three I want us to have another child. I think one every two years until I get tired of them would be about right," Alexis teased gently.

Snape looked intrigued and slightly worried at the same time.

Alexis asked him, "You missed dinner. Did you want to stop by the kitchens and get something to eat?"

The memories of the pictures still fresh, Snape replied, "I don't seem to have much of an appetite right now."

The couple headed back to their rooms. Alexis had been happy to discover that wizards did not have the same superstition about the groom seeing the bride before the wedding.

"Have you decided who is going to stand up for you?" Alexis asked Snape.

"I have not even considered it," Snape confessed, "Dumbledore is officiating so I really don't know who else I would ask."

"I know you said no students, but you seem very close to Draco Malfoy," Alexis suggested.

"I am his godfather," Snape smirked.

"Wait a minute. When we first met the Malfoys you said they weren't friends but merely acquaintances?"

"I do not consider them friends. However, due to certain past associations, Lucius and I have a rather extensive knowledge of each other. At the time of Draco's birth, we were both involved with the Death Eaters. At the time, Lucius' choices were limited as to whom to ask to serve as godfather. Making the best of a bad situation, he chose me. I have tried to keep an eye on Draco and mitigate some of the more unfortunate aspects of growing up a Malfoy. I have had limited success. If you would not object, I will ask him to stand up for me tomorrow."

"Draco can be an arrogant prat, but I think, way, way down deep inside, hidden under layers of sarcasm, ego, bigotry and prejudice, there is a nice person smothering to death," Alexis smirked, "maybe you can be the one to drill him an air hole?"

Snape snorted, "Although if we allow Draco to stand up for me, he will inform his father and that will really stir the cauldron."

"In what way?" Alexis was happily settling herself on Snape's lap, "What am I going to do when I get to big to sit on your lap?"

"We will just move to the loveseat," Snape assured her as he played with her hair. He had really missed not just the sexual interaction but the cuddling and time spent together, "Lucius will want to host a party for us. As soon as he finds out you are pregnant he will want to discuss possible alliances between our children and one of the Malfoy girls. It wouldn't surprise me if he tries to convince Narcissa that Draco needs a little sister."

Snape could feel Alexis shudder, "I cannot imagine being in-laws with that family. The holidays would be a nightmare. Why is he so intent upon forming a connection with us?"

"Because between the two of us, we control a large percentage of the wealth of the wizarding world: Lucius can't stand the thought of all that money being out of his control or influence," Snape explained.

"He uses his money wisely to garner power and influence," Alexis sighed, "so we have to tread lightly around him. Well, even though it will please Lucius, I still say let's ask Draco to stand up for you."

Snape was nodding his agreement when a knock came on the door. Alexis got up so he could go see who it was. As soon as he opened the door, he was thrust back into the room by the group standing in the hallway. Hagrid grabbed Snape and started pulling him down the hallway not paying the slightest attentions to his protests. Filius and Albus were following with Albus keeping Snape from hexing anyone. Remus leaned in and laughing told Alexis, "We'll return him in time for the wedding ceremony."

"Make sure he is in good enough shape to say his vows," Alexis replied as she waved him off. Before he could shut the door, the ladies of Hogwarts had arrived. Remus bowed them in and then hurried to catch up with his group.

Minerva, Rolanda, Poppy, Amber, and Pomona Sprout all came bustling in carrying bottles, boxes and trays. Amber laughed at the look on Alexis' face, "You didn't think we were going to let your last night of freedom pass without acknowledging it in some way?"

Minerva quickly transformed the loveseat into a huge pile of comfy cushions. Rolanda opened a bottle of wine while Poppy handed out glasses to everyone. Turning to Alexis, Poppy handed her a glass of sparkling grape juice. Pomona had emptied some of the boxes and set out a huge spread of all Alexis' favorite snack foods.

Minerva said, "Settle down. Does everyone have something to drink? Something to eat? Good, I would like to call this meeting to order. Tonight we say goodbye to one of our single sisters. She will be leaving our ranks to shackle herself to a man who is almost worthy of her. Although we mourn the passing of her singleness, we do not wish to send her into the matrimony mire completely unprepared. So each of us have advice and gifts to help ease your journey along the hard rough road of wedded woe."

Alexis was wondering how five spinsters were going to give her any advice about being married but decided to go along with the fun, "Fellow single sisters, I thank you for your kindness in trying to better prepare me for the perilous journey I am about to undertake. I will heed your words of wisdom."

Pomona spoke first, "My advice comes straight from my mother. She and father were married for sixty years, fifty of them happily," Pomona sighed, "Mum always told me that when I got married to make sure I did the house work naked. That way my husband would help me to get the work done faster."

Rolanda went next, "The old advice is still the best advice. Don't go to bed mad, just go to bed. Although from the rumors I've been hearing, you've already been following that advice," Rolanda said with a wink.

Minerva gave a thin smile as she offered these words of wisdom, "Just remember a perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes, the shopping and raising the children."

"In my many years of dealing with males of all ages I have found that the best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it if they are over thirty and too young for it if they are under thirty," Poppy advised.

Amber gave her pearls of knowledge, "Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. Also, you have to understand that men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally."

"Now for the gifts," Minerva handed Alexis a present wrapped in plaid paper with a green bow.

Alexis ripped the paper off with childish abandon. Opening the box she was puzzled by the present, lifting out the cast iron skillet, "Thank you Minerva. I haven't ever cooked with.."

Minerva interrupted, "No dear it's not for cooking. Nothing keeps a man in line like a cast iron skillet. At least that's what my gran always said."

Poppy handed Alexis a box. Inside was a bottle with a green potion and a card with the instructions on how to make the potion.

Poppy explained, "That's a headache potion."

"Thank you Poppy. I know the next time I have a headache Severus will appreciate your thoughtfulness."

Poppy chuckled, "The potion doesn't cure headaches, it causes headaches. You should never lie to your husband. With this handy potion, you won't have to."

Rolanda gave Alexis a long slightly narrow box. Inside was a wooden rolling pin. Alexis had finally caught on so she just looked at Rolanda for an explanation.

"That is a magic rolling pin. You set it by the door and when your husband tries to sneak in late at night after being out carousing: it starts hitting him for you and yelling at him. That way you don't lose any sleep waiting up for him," seeing Alexis' look of distaste, "It won't hurt him, mainly it just flies around his head and threatens him. It might whack him on his bum: but nothing that will leave any bruises."

Pomona's gift was a small flower box with pots of herbs and plants. Alexis smiled and waited for the significance of this gift.

Pomona smiled back and handed Alexis another small card with instructions for a special potpourri mix, "Mix these plants together according to those instructions and set the bowl by your bed. It is an aromatic aphrodisiac."

Amber whispered to Alexis, "I want a copy of that," as she handed Alexis her gift.

Alexis opened the box to discover a gorgeous and sexy, long black negligee. Holding it up she noticed that the lace inserts changed positions randomly. She almost cried when Amber reached over and ribbed it down the middle. But then she watched in amazement as the rip mended itself as if it had never happened. Amber then touched it and said, "Green," the gown changed color, "white, shorty," now Alexis was holding a short, white negligee, "One gown does it all," Amber smirked.

In another part of the castle:

Snape had given up struggling against the grip Hagrid had on his arm. Albus had confiscated his wand so that he couldn't even hex anyone. Snape was relieved when they arrived at the staffroom. He had been concerned that they might be intending to take him for a night on the town.

Entering the room, Snape stared in disbelief; there were balloons and party streamers everywhere. A table in the middle of the room held bottles of beer and liquor forming a makeshift bar. Another table held an assortment of sandwiches, chips, cookies and cakes. A final table was set up with chairs and if he wasn't mistaken, packs of cards and board games. Snape headed straight for the bar. He needed a stiff drink.

Hagrid clapped a dinner plate sized hand on his shoulder, "We couldn't 'ave our Potions Professor goin' off an' gettin' 'itched without a proper party."

Filius piped up, "Yes, Severus, we wanted to make sure you had a proper bachelor's party."

Snape looked around at the streamers and balloons and took a large swallow of the whiskey he had just poured.

"Yes, that's the ticket, Severus, let's all have a drink and toast your good fortune," Albus smiled.

Snape exchanged a look with Remus, who was trying hard not to laugh. You would think with the combined ages of the other three wizards, they would have had more experience with bachelor parties.

Remus moved to play bartender and started handing out drinks. When everyone had one, Dumbledore held up his glass in a toast, "To Severus and Alexis, may their union long be a happy one."

Snape downed the rest of his drink and held out the glass to Remus for a refill.

"Aye, Professor, ye got yerself a good'un with Alexis. She's purty as a new hatched dragon and as sweet as a thestral colt," Hagrid beamed.

"Thank you Hagrid," Snape replied quietly.

"Well now, why don't we all sit down and start this party?" Albus twinkled merrily.

"Bring the bottle," Snape ordered Remus out of the corner of his mouth.

Remus grinned as he complied and they both headed to the green felt games table.

As soon as everyone had taken their seats, Filius on a stack of cushions, Dumbledore rubbed his hands together, "Now what shall we do? Severus, since this is your last night as a free man, why don't you choose? We have Parcheesi, Monopoly, Yatzi, Scrabble or we could play cards?"

Snape looked at the eagerly smiling faces of Flitwick, Dumbledore and Hagrid, he bit back the comment he desperately wanted to make and gritted out, "Cards."

"Wonderful, Gin or Canasta? We have to many people to play bridge I'm afraid."

Remus eagerly volunteered to sit out if they wanted to play bridge. Snape shot him a look that clearly said, If I have to sit through this you aren't going to escape, as he replied, "Canasta."

Albus grabbed two packs of cards and handed them to Snape, "As the guest of honor, you deal first."

Snape sighed; it was going to be a very long night.

Back with the ladies:

The party had steadily progressed to the point where everyone but Alexis was slightly snockered. Just then there was a knock on the door. Minerva smiling a thin smug smile, "Alexis you had better see who that is."

Warily getting to her feet, Alexis went to the door where she heard a voice calling out, "Miss. Draluck, it's the head boy and I have an emergency that needs your attention."

Alexis didn't think it sounded like Percy Weasley, but opened the door anyway to reveal a tall, dark and handsome male dressed in school robes with a Slytherin tie and badge. It was definitely NOT the Hogwarts head boy.

The good looking wizard brushed by the bemused witch and headed to the center of the room, "Miss. Draluck, I need you to tutor me," he crooned suggestively.

Alexis looked at the leering witches who had eagerly surrounded the young man as with a flick of his wand he had the lights lowered and music thumping.

Alexis quickly shut the door and set a silencing charm on the room before cautiously making her way toward the group of clapping catcalling women.

A chair suddenly appeared and the man gently pushed Alexis into it, "Miss. Draluck, teach me how to be a man." With those provocative words, he started grinding and moving to the music. With a practiced move he had his tie off and wrapped around her neck, when he moved as if to kiss her she whispered so only he could hear, "Have your fun but if you touch me I will hex you so badly your own mother won't recognize you." With widened eyes he smiled nervously and pulled back as if teasing her.

Back with the bachelors:

Snape watched as once more Filius tried to explain to Hagrid what constituted a canasta. Remus grinned at him, "What do you think the ladies are doing right now?"

Snape smirked, "Probably exchanging recipes."

Back with the ladies:

Alexis watched in disbelief as Rolanda rode the stripper piggy back. Minerva and Poppy had already stuffed his g-string with Galleons. Amber had explained to Alexis that it had a charm placed on it so that the money would actually go straight into the pockets of the robes he had discarded earlier.

To Alexis' surprise it was Pomona who suggested doing body shots. Grabbing a bottle of tequila, some salt and limes, she approached the grinning man with a gleam in her eyes.

Back with the men:

Snape had decided to fix a plate while Filius continued to explain the rules of the game to Hagrid. Picking up a sandwich he tried to determine what type of filling it had, shuddering slightly he quickly replaced it, apparently Hagrid had been in charge of the refreshments and had prepared his specialty, stout sandwiches.

Picking up one of the cookies instead he bit into it and had to restrain a yelp of pain. Looking at the cookie, it was as whole as when he first picked it up. Remus joined him and picking up another cookie from the same plate and tapped it against the side of the table, making a small dent in the solid wood, "Hagrid wanted to do something special for you so he provided the refreshments," Remus explained.

"I need another drink," Snape snarled.

And on the other side of the castle:

Alexis watched as the four older witches surrounded the stripper taking turns dirty dancing with him, "Is this my party?" she questioned Amber quietly.

Amber grinned, "I think you were just the excuse they used."

Alexis winced as Rolanda proceeded to ride his leg like a broom.

And the gentlemen were:

Filius had been unable to explain canasta to the slightly inebriated Hagrid, so they were now playing Go Fish.

"Do ye' 'ave any twos?" Hagrid asked.

Snape managed to grit out, "Go Fish."

And the ladies were:

Minerva had transfigured a cushion into a long low table. The stripper, who Alexis had learned went by the name of Zorro, was laid out on the table. Pomona had placed chocolate brownies along his torso and the game was to eat a brownie without using your hands.

None of the others noticed that neither Alexis nor Amber were taking their turn: although both of them looked as if they were filing the game away for future reference.

A picture of pumpkin juice was transfigured into milk. Poppy took the milk and filled up Zorro's navel. Now they were taking cookies and dipping them into his navel and feeding them to him, again without using their hands or magic.

"He is being a really good sport about all of this," Alexis commented to Amber as they watched.

"Rolanda told me that he is their usual," Amber confided with a smirk.

"What?"

"Yes, a couple of times a year they all get together and Zorro comes over and entertains. He knows it won't go much beyond this and they are very good tippers," Amber continued, "they know he is very discreet and everyone is happy."

And the scene in the staff room:

"Ye 'ave a wonderful lady there Professor, jus' wonderful, she brought by 'er wee beastie and shewed me class o' fourth years. Ye better be good to 'er or you'll 'ave me ta answer to," Hagrid informed the still, in spite of his best efforts, sober Snape.

Albus dropped another lemon drop into his drink and watched as it fizzed for a moment before he defended Snape, "Now Hagrid, I am sure that Severus will treat Alexis admirably. They seem very happy together."

Remus choked on his drink at the thought of Snape being happy.

Snape, with grim enjoyment, pounded on Remus' back to help clear his airway.

Filius, much the worse for the drinks he had quaffed, "Severus, will do fine. He followed my advice on the romantic dinner didn't he? And look where that got him? Engaged to the prettiest, nicest, sweetest….what was I saying?" Filius swayed slightly, "Bring on the dancing girls!"

Hagrid looked up slightly bleary eyed, "Yes, I got the dancin'," and he clapped his hands together twice causing everything in the room to shiver and shake. The door to the staffroom opened and four house elves pushed in a cart holding a huge cake. Remus and Snape exchanged glances; this was more like a real bachelor's party.

The house elves maneuvered the cake until it was in front of the table. Hagrid grinned and lifted his glass in toast to Snape, "Professor, I hope your last night as a single man will be memorable," and he clapped his hands again.

Everyone waited expectantly. Nothing happened. Hagrid clapped again, and still nothing happened. Getting up Hagrid swayed over to the cake and clapped his hands right next to the cake causing an icing rose to fall to the floor: nothing else moved.

Hagrid lifted the top of the cake and looked inside. Snape had the awful thought that he was going to say….ooppps were we supposed to put the girl in after we baked the cake.

He breathed a sigh of relief when Hagrid said instead, "They just couldn't get the top loose," and clapped his hands for the last time.

Remus looked at Snape and leaned over to whisper, "They? If there is more than one girl in that cake they must be contortionists." Both men smirked at that thought.

Music had started playing and suddenly the top of the cake went flying off and confetti shot out and four blondes climbed out. Snape felt his mouth drop open. He had never expected to see such a thing come out of a cake. Remus' was choking on the drink he had just swallowed.

And the ladies say:

Alexis was escorting a very tired, sticky, slightly bruised stripper to the door. She slipped him a heavy money pouch as she told him goodnight. Zorro smiled as he hefted the bag, "Thanks Miss. Draluck." And in a daring move, he quickly kissed her check and hurried out the door anxious to get home, get cleaned up and have his boyfriend, Todd, give him a nice massage.

Alexis turned back to the scene of the crime. It looked as if someone had been randomly casting stunning spells. Minerva was lying on the table where Zorro had been used as a serving tray. Pomona was taking up more than her fair share of the cushions as she balanced a plate containing the last of the cookies on her stomach. Poppy was humming softly to herself as she played with the Speedo Zorro had been wearing. Amber was nodding off propped up against the coffee table. Alexis didn't see Rolanda. She began looking around the room slightly worried that the inebriated witch had wondered off and might fall up some stairs, since they were in the dungeons, and hurt herself.

Finally hearing a loud noise coming from the bathroom, Alexis found Rolanda curled up in the bathtub. The bathtub caused her snoring to echo resoundingly throughout the room.

Alexis woke Amber up and had her help conjure stretchers for the others so they could take them back to their rooms.

Amber and Alexis were still giggling when they got back to the dungeon. Amber snickered, "The guys should be finished in another few minutes. Remus is supposed to make sure Snape gets here safely. And then he is going to take me home," Amber covered her mouth as she yawned, "I hope they hurry up I'm about to fall asleep."

Amber had transfigured the cushions back into a loveseat and had cleaned the room with a few well cast cleaning charms. The two girls were slumped on the couch. Even though Alexis had not drunk any alcohol and Amber had only had a couple of glasses of wine, both women were exhausted. Before long they had fallen asleep.

And the men say:

Snape's mouth was just opening and closing. He rubbed his eyes as if to try and make sure what he was seeing wasn't some alcohol induced vision. The sight before his eyes remained unchanged: there were four blonde, scantily clad, dancing gnomes attempting to gyrate their way down the side of the cake. Unfortunately they kept sinking up to their knees in the icing.

Snape heard a thump and looking over he found that Remus had fallen out of his chair laughing.

Filius was jumping up and down on the cushions yelling at Hagrid, "DANCING GIRLS NOT DANCING GNOMES!"

The party was finally over and Snape and Remus were making their way back to Snape's quarters. Snape glanced at Remus, "Unfortunately I didn't drink enough to get drunk, there is no reason to escort me home."

Remus smiled slightly, "I have one very good reason to escort you, Amber is going to meet me there."

"That makes more sense," Snape smirked.

The two men walked into Snape's quarters to find their ladies asleep on the love seat. Looking around, Snape noticed the cast iron frying pan, rolling pin, herb box and what appeared to be note cards, "See, I told you they were probably exchanging recipes."