A/N: Hey, another chapter. I feel so happy that I am finally picking up the pace. Let's face it, 2-3 weeks by my schedule standards are unacceptable. So consider this my gift to you all.
Ordeals of Life
Chapter Five: New Sensation
Cam walked up to his computer. It was around noon when he did. He checked to make sure that no one was around and was just about to get on until a voice frightened him out of his mind.
"Cam?" "Oh my God!" Cam yelled. He hadn't expected his dad to be here. He was usually doing his afternoon meditations. "Is something wrong?" "Oh, nothing's wrong Sensei," The second the last word came from the samurai's mouth, his father couldn't help but start to well up at that. 'I knew that I wasn't paying Cam the attention and care he deserved, but I never thought it would be so bad as to come to this.'
"Dad, you okay?" "Um...yes, I'm okay. I was just thinking. Anyways, I came here to tell you something." He struggled with how he was going to put it. He wasn't able to come up with a good excuse like he promised. Let's face it, there was practically no excuse that would convince him to do what he wanted him to do. There was only one way to do it, to put it out bluntly. "Sens...I mean Dad. No offense but won't you tell me what it is before my arteries harden." Kanoi noticed how Cam always laughed at his usual sarcastic remarks. For a split-second, it seemed like everything was fine. Then, he saw what disproved it. Every time Cam laughed, you could tell if it was a genuine laugh by looking at his eyes. He couldn't quite explain it, but if he was laughing it seemed as if his eyes would be just filled with electricity. It looked like his eyes were pure light, a look that no one could help but marvel at. With this laugh however, not only didn't his eyes light up, but he could have sworn that they actually darkened, which just brought his heart down. "Dad, are you sure your okay?"
"What? Oh yes, sorry. Must have drifted off again. I'm probably just tired. Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you. You know that Dustin is taking Blake, Hunter, and the rest on a camping trip in the woods." "Oh, I know. I just hate that I am going to miss it, but heck, someone has to make sure that Ninja Ops doesn't collapse on us." Suddenly, Sensei thought that he might have a chance. "Well, you no longer have to hate, because I put Cyber Cam in charge of Ninja Ops so you could go with them." "YOU DID WHAT?!" Cam yelled. The guinea pig couldn't help but practically do a back flip in surprise of that little outburst. "I said that I put Cyber Cam in charge of..."
"I know what you said Dad," Cam responded with a look of total anger. "What I wanted to know was why you did that?"
"Well......I mean...it's just...Listen Cam, you have to admit that you practically are spending more time out here than you should. You should go out and get some fresh air." "All right, I'll take a few more walks around Blue Bay." "No, what I meant was to be around people." "I can be around people at Blue Bay." "Not in a way to get you to actually talk to people. I thought that if you just went along with the others, you might actually have fun."
"That is beside the point, Sensei. You had no right to do this without my permission. I told you that I still don't feel right about leaving total control to Cyber Cam." "You reprogrammed him, didn't you? So far, he hasn't gotten out of line. Well, I know that his hip talk or whatever you call it can be annoying, but besides that, I think that he's capable of fulfilling his duties. Besides Cam, those duties just happen to be running Ninja Ops." "I still think that you should have consulted me about this."
Kanoi couldn't help but look at his son. I mean, this was total unusual behavior for Cam. He knew that he was just ignoring the issue of going with Shane on a camping trip, and he didn't know why. He was ashamed to say, but he was starting to get really annoyed at him. "Cam, I know that you're just ignoring the fact of the camping trip with the rest of the rangers. I know that you probably think that staying here is helping you, but it isn't. I didn't want to tell you this way, but Cam, you have to go." "What do you mean that I have to go?!" Cam asked, probably a bit forcefully than he wanted it to come out. "I mean that I am ordering you to go. I am sick and tired of you just staying here, wasting your life away for nothing! Now you are going to go, whether you like it or not!
'Oh my God. I didn't mean to put it that way. Great. Here I am saying that I want to help him, and then I rant at him like he was a slave than a son. I know that I should apologize, but I just can't bring myself to do it.'
What happened next caught Kanoi totally by surprise. The usual Cam thing to do was to either A) Yell back again, B) Come up with a sarcastic remark, or C) Just walk away. All of these things would have made sense since he knew how Cam was. But instead of these, something strange happened. Cam's face drooped down, and he started to look at his feet. He brought his hands and started to roll his fingers. Finally, he looked up at him, and his heart fell right there. There were signs of tears welling up in his eyes, very faintly almost to the point where most people wouldn't see it. His whole expression changed from the unruly child, to an almost whimpering baby look. He finally spoke, "I am sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to say all the things that I said. I'll go on the trip with others. I'm so sorry that I upset you. I never wanted to do that."
Cam's voice began to become tearful and sad and he quickly stormed to his room, not even noticing how he nearly ran over Blake and Hunter, who just got up as they usually did.
Blake finally spoke to Sensei after Cam slammed the door. "Is everything okay, Sensei?" But he couldn't speak. He had just done the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. He had hurt his beloved son. He had just officially addressed himself to Cam as a teacher rather than a parent. He fought for breath, emotions running through him threatening to be exposed.
Cam rushed into his bathroom, closed the door, sat on the floor with his knees to his chest, and just wept into his jeans. He never wanted to hurt him. Even though he thought that he was always busy with the team, he knew that his dad loved him. And how did he repay his act of kindness? He became a stuck up brat thinking that he didn't need him.
"OH GOD!!! Why did I do that?! I just ruined any chance of having any kind of family relationship with him. He probably hates me. He probably now wants one of the other rangers to be his child. I can't blame him. I know that he deserved better. He deserves a son who actually cares for him and shows it, not such an insignificant speck like me. How could my dad and mom, the two most important people in my life, come up shorthanded with somebody like me.' He continued to cry and rant for about 10 minutes until even gasping for breath became to difficult. He had to let the rest of his emotions out. He just HAD TO.
He didn't feel like vomiting again, his throat was hurting pretty bad from all the crying and screaming he did. But he had to get it out. "Oh god. There has to be something I can do. I can't just continue like this. Then again, I probably deserve to." He soon became consumed with anger and for no reason threw a drawer out from under the counter and just threw himself against a wall. He slid down, tears once again threatening to consume him. His eyes looked down to the mess he made. There was just so much junk that once was in the drawers. There was a permanent pen, a former school I.D., a blue razor blade he got for a birthday, shaving cream, acne treatments, a blue razor blade, an old opened Christmas box, a blue razor blade, and a blue razor blade. His eyes just kept getting fixated on that beautiful object. Why he didn't know. Cam took it in his hands and spun it around in his fingers. There was nothing unusual about it. Just any other razor blade. 'I wonder what would happen if I'd...no I couldn't. But then again, maybe I could.' Cam thought as he got up and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked so tired, pale, and dull. He looked...broken.
This was all the convincing he needed. He rolled up his sleeves, brought the metal to his wrist, and shut his eyes as he brought it across, stinging overwhelming his senses. He sighed again as he brought the metal again to his skin, a little up this time. After that, he closed his eyes and tried to focus on all of his past emotions, and then transferred all his thoughts onto the stinging of his cuts.
He didn't know why he enjoyed this. He guessed it was because he now realized that for once, he was in control of what feelings came to him, he was control of his life and what he was doing, and that feeling felt so right. Even if this only lasted for another few seconds, he was glad he could escape.
"Cam, are you in there? I'm just checking to make sure you're alright." It was Hunter. Cam quickly washed the razor and put it along with all the other junk in the drawer. "I'll be out in a minute, Hunter. Just cleaning up.
"Well...okay. Come out soon, I want to talk with you." "It won't take long." After cleaning up, washing his cuts, and rolling down his sleeves as to keep his arms hidden, he slowly opened the door, now feeling in control. He was so happy to find release somewhere, that he didn't realize that he was just digging himself in a hole further down, and that if he continued, he might never get out.
A/N: Oh, writing this was so uncomfortable. I had to stop a couple of times to get a hold of myself. However, I am trying to convey a message as to how I felt back then, and how people who suffer emotional strain will choose unhealthy ways of dealing with them. Anyway, please review and tell your friends. The more people who hear me, the better.
