A/N: Hey, it's Tyrant here. I'm trying to speed up my pathetically slow updating process. It's getting harder for me to find time to get to my story since my dad works on this computer at home. I usually have to stay up late to update. However, I feel that it is all worth it. I can't sleep anyway seeing as how it's raining heavily outside right now. So I saw this as a chance to continue with something that apparently people read-WHAT A SHOCKER. Anyways, on to chapter eleven.
Ordeals of Life
Chapter Eleven: Emotional Nights
'12,598…12,599…12,600.' Cam mentally counted up the seconds he spent lying in his bed awake. It seemed that every night, the chance of having any kind of relaxation was diminishing. There were several factors that were probable causes to this. One was the fact that his stomach was aching with hunger. 'It's 12:04 now. That means that Wednesday just barely started. So, that would mean I haven't eaten anything for 12 days, give or taking a few purges.'
Normally, a person would probably raid the refrigerator and eat non-stop. Most people would worry about starving to death. But for Cam, each day he spent starving meant more control over his life. And that was something that Cam desperately needed.
Another factor contributing to his insomnia was the cold. It was normally warm in his bedroom, but now it felt like a freezer to him. He didn't know why. And it wasn't just his room that dropped temperature. Even the weather of Blue Bay Harbor had dropped considerably. He thought that winter had come but was surprised to find everyone else wearing shorts and t-shirts. And they thought that he was weird for wearing sweaters.
'Not that I'm complaining,' Cam bitterly thought. Though the sweaters served to help him keep warm, they also hid the disfigurements on his arms. He had now taken up cutting along with starving as natural habits. The scary thing was that pretty soon they became something he did without thinking, like breathing. It was part of his schedule.
7:00-Wake up
7:30-Get ready
8:00-Don't eat breakfast
8:30-Wallow in self-pity and hatred
11:00-Don't eat lunch
11:45-Condemn your life
6:00-Don't eat Dinner
6:15-Lecture yourself (if you've eaten anything, make sure you purge)
7:00-Cut
8:00-Go to bed
This would be an example of Cam's schedule planner. It was all pretty repetitive to say the least. And yet, it was the busiest schedule he ever had.
Slowly, Cam rolled up the sleeves of his sweaters and stared down at the recent cuts that he made. He immediately felt different emotions towards them. For one, he felt happy. Though it seemed scary, he felt as if he had control over everything he faced. No matter what was bottled up inside him, the holes he made into his skin would help release the pain. This part of his feeling waited in anticipation for the next creation to be made.
However, there was another side to it. It was the side of shame. This feeling wasn't new to him as it came every time he starved, cut, and purged. This side of him knew deep down that what he was doing was wrong. This side was the side that said, 'Go get help. You're wasting away your life.' 'What life?' the other feeling said. 'You had no life. You were ridiculed in school, you spend your time alone doing useless things to create the illusion that you're worth something, and to top it off, your mom is dead.'
That had struck a chord within Cam. 'Mom.' He missed her. He couldn't quite understand why he still missed her so much. After all, a lot of kids lose their loved ones at an earlier age than him. So why did he fell as bad as the day he found out? It was probably because his mom was the only one who ever helped him with anything that happened.
He immediately felt shame for what he thought. After all, his dad loved him too. Deep down he knew it. It took a couple of confrontations within himself to figure that out. 'Your Dad doesn't love you. He spends all his time with the other students. He loves his position, not you.' 'That's not true. I know Dad loves me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have forced me to go on the trip if he didn't.'
That was true. If his father tried so hard to let Cam fall into the rangers' group, it was because he didn't want him to be alone. However, this revelation only worsened things. 'Yeah, my dad cares for me. The thing that he doesn't know, however, is that I don't deserve it.' And for Cam, that was the god honest truth.
Feeling depression roll over him as it always did, Cam reached under the bed for his blade. However, the first thing he grabbed were bags containing sandwiches, chips, and cookies. He forgot that before, he would hide food under his bed and would binge late into the night. The reason he did this was because he felt ashamed for doing it, and that the privacy would take it away.
Normally, he would look at it in disgust. But since he was so hungry and was so caught up in his thoughts, he subconsciously started to down some chips and cookies. While he ate in silence, his troubled mind carried him away.
The thought of his mom really being gone brought tears to the corner of his eyes. 'Mom, you have no idea how much I need you. Dad can't help me, my friends can't help me, I'm all alone. You were the only person that ever made me feel loved and useful. Without you, I'm nothing.' His eyes were now filled with water that was threatening to fall from his now aged eyes. While eating a sandwich, his mind strayed to his friends.
'They don't need me. They have each other to take care of. I'll never fit into that group. I would only bring them down. Everyone there is so carefree, so active, so cared for. I WANT TO BE CARED FOR! I want to know what it's like to be loved. I want to feel special. Oh god, you made a mistake when I was born.' Though it sounded absurd, that's how he really felt at the moment. That didn't hold the water at bay as several stray tears fell down his cheek. While eating, he started thinking of his dad which did nothing to help him through.
'Oh Dad. I'm a failure. You're trying so hard to help me and I don't think you can. I'm a mirror, Dad. I'm nothing but a useless, shattered mirror. I'm afraid that the pieces are too small to ever put back together. Why don't you just throw me out? You deserve better, Dad. Every night, I pray that God will just take me away from here and give you the son you deserve. I'm nothing, Dad.' Pretty soon, the rivers falling from his face become a flood of utter loneliness, something he couldn't stop.
"Why am I here? What am I supposed to do here? I have no one to help me. There's no need for me here. I'm all alone. To be quite honest, I don't know why I even bother living at all?" Cam started to gasp for breath as his emotions threatened to take him over. "I wonder what it would be like if my mom aborted me? Maybe she should have. Then, they could have gotten someone different altogether. They could have gotten someone that actually had the right to happiness and parents. But instead, they became stuck with me. How did that pay off? My mom's dead, I'm fighting my evil Uncle, I feel like everyone's abandoned me, and now I'm eating my weight in junk.'
Suddenly, he realized what he just did. 'Oh god, tell me I didn't do it.' He looked down at the bags that covered him and the bed, and uncovered his actions. HE HAD EATEN! He watched with horror at all the empty bags that were once so full. His stomach no longer held the pains of hunger, but the pains of fullness.
"OH NOOOOOO!" He had failed. He had tried so hard to control his hunger and gain control of his life. And now, he realized that he had lost that control. He no longer could hold in the emotions inside of him and sobbed uncontrollably into his pillow. 'I'M A FAILURE!! NOW, I HAVE NOTHING!
Without even thinking, Cam jumped out of the bed and ran towards the bathroom. Immediately kneeling near the toilet, he stuck as many fingers down his throat as he could, and almost immediately began to vomit. This time was different though. Once he stopped, Cam would put his fingers back in, hoping he would continue, not even noticing he was crying in pain the entire time. After several dry heaves, some blood came out as the result of an abused throat. He took that as a cue to stop and flushed the mess down.
Though the problem was taken care of, the samurai still didn't forget on how he failed and became weak. His body limp with exhaustion, he backed up against the wall and slid on his side to the bathroom floor. He continued to cry at the thought of losing everything around him. He lost his mom, was pretty sure he lost his dad and friends, and now he started to lose himself.
'Oh, if there was any compassion in my dad, he would have gotten rid of me a long time ago. I wonder what it would be like to just continue vomiting until there's nothing left and just die right there.' Cam knew that he needed help, but every time he tried to ask for it, he backed away in shame and in fear of rejection. "I just want to be loved. I want to know what it's like to be cared for. I want to be someone else. I don't want to be me. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP ME!"
He looked around, hoping that someone would come rushing out of thin air to help him and save him from his misery. However, he soon gave up, finally realizing that no one was going to help him. This made Cam, however humanely possible, sadder and his sobs became so strong, they wracked his entire body. While this happened, he looked down at the disfigured arms, still being able to see the recent scars through his bombardment of tears. In frustration, he started to scratch them, opening them up. This was a pitiful attempt at trying to let his emotions flow out.
After bleeding a while, he closed the wounds back up and continued to stare as sobs continued to shake his entire being. The scars represented how disfigured he was. He resorted to them for comfort. The scars were merely an outside representation of the ones that were implanted deep within his heart. If his heart was truly as covered in scars as his arm, it should have stopped beating a long time ago.
After an hour of crying, his emotions withdrew and Cam just laid on the floor. Not even wanting to get up, he curled his knees into himself as if he was a little child defending himself and tried his best to go to sleep, to become numb of all feeling. After moving around for a while, he resorted to the position he had, keeping himself warm.
"I might as well get used to it. After all, the only person who will be here for me is me."
Shane lay awake in his bed as well. Unaware of the pain Cam was feeling, he continued to stare up at the ceiling like he had been doing for the past two hours. He had to face it, Cam fainting was something that usually didn't happen if ever. Just the fact that he wasn't taking care of himself well enough to cause this was enough to keep him up.
'Oh Cam, what's wrong with you? I wish you could tell me so I can help. I care for you, my friend. I never want to see you in pain.' He went over in his mind what could be wrong, each more unlikely than the next. He knew that the only way to find out what's wrong with Cam was to ask him himself. He might as well give up.
'Tori is taking this hard too. It's as if she knows the exact pain he has. I wonder what's troubling her. And what about Kelly? She seemed shaken up a bit, and that's definitely not like her. Maybe I should give her a call. She's working late at Storm Chargers anyway setting up that new bike display.'
Just as the red ranger reached over to the phone, it began to ring. Not wanting his parents to wake up cranky, he quickly snatched the phone and put his ear to the receiver.
"Hello?" Shane said, confused as to who would call at night. "Shane." He knew that voice. "Kelly, is that you?" "Yes, it's me. Sorry if I woke you, I just need to talk to you. I would talk to the Bradleys, but I keep forgetting to ask for their phone numbers." Only slightly disappointed, Shane replied, "It's okay. Why do you need to talk to someone? Is something wrong?"
"No. Well, yes. I mean, I don't know. It's about Cam." Shane guessed that out in a second. "I know. I've been staying up all night thinking about him. I just can't believe what he's doing." "Wait, how did you find out?" Kelly asked with confusion.
"What do you mean how I found out? All of us heard Doctor Palmer say that Cam has been forgetting to take care of himself. That's very unlike him. What are you talking about?" "Um, that's why I called. Cam is…Cam is…" Shane urged on. "Cam is what?"
"I don't want to explain this over the phone. I want to explain this with Cam. Are you doing anything tomorrow?" "Not that I know of. Me and Dustin were planning to hang out for the day." "Good, is it possible you could come by the store with Cam?"
This made Shane immediately confused. "Of course, but what is this all about?" "I'll tell you tomorrow. I need Cam to hear this. Come by at about noon. Bye." That was the final word before she hung up. Shane looked into the receiver, hoping to find the answer as to what was going on. Putting it down gently, he dropped down into his bed, only slightly nervous as to meet Kelly tomorrow.
A/N: I hope that this chapter didn't disturb you too much. I also hope that I made it reasonably long so as to make up for my lacking skills. I have a stupid question to ask, so hear it goes.
DO YOU GUYS REALLY LIKE THIS STORY? I'm asking honestly. I know that since I am a former male anorexic, I should be able to put emotion in easily. It's just that I feel like what I'm doing is stupid when I read it. I guess every writer feels that way. I do hope I'm doing a good job conveying emotion to you guys. If you can respond to it.
