A/N: Hey, tyrant here. Again another chapter. Writing this is getting more difficult to do, not just emotionally, but also since my dad's been working at home and takes up the computer a lot. I guess I'll have to manage. On to chapter 14.
Ordeals of Life
Chapter Fourteen: Conversations
"I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!"
"Kelly, just calm d…" "I WON'T! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! YOU JUST CAN'T DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO CAM, ESPECIALLY NOW!"
Dustin, after trying to soothe Kelly numerous times, decided to let her fume for a few minutes. Right now, she looked like she was going to destroy everything in sight. Though he wanted to tell her that she did the best she could, the yellow ranger couldn't help but feel that what she did wasn't the brightest thing to do.
While Kelly continued to stomp around the room, probably drilling holes into the floor and the earth below, Dustin took the time to think of everything that just happened in the last half hour. Cam, one of the best friends to ever come his way, was hurting himself, probably in more ways than one. That was just a theory, but was supported by his sleep-deprived look and his fainting yesterday. It was all too much to take.
'I can't believe it. I mean, it's Cam. Cam, one of the strongest people in the world. How did this happen? Did I do something? If I did, I don't think I can forgive myself. Did the others do something to make him…to make him…to make him do what he's doing.' Dustin couldn't even say the problem, and he didn't feel ashamed.
"Kelly, just stop with the fuming. Wearing holes into the ground isn't going to help Cam. I have to admit, what you did wasn't the smartest thing to do. Though I probably would've done the same thing, I can't justify it. However, you said to him that you wanted to help him. You still can."
Finally, she decided to stop pacing, although she was still pissed at herself for what she did. I mean, she was a cutter herself. She never forgot how she felt. Kelly just thought that exposing Cam's problem, like what happened to her, would help come up with a solution. 'But you can't just do something like that. Now who knows what Cam will do.'
"Kelly, snap out of it." She wasn't even aware of Dustin lightly slapping her face. "I'm fine Dustin," she said, mechanically moving away from his still moving hand. "Sorry."
"Don't be. Anyways, what are we going to do?" he asked, eagerly awaiting any solution to undertake. "I honestly don't know." His eagerness fell.
"I mean, I know what he's going through so I should be able to help, right?" No response from Dustin. "I mean, I should have known that this was not the way to go, right?"
Again, no response from him.
"Dustin, are you okay?" she asked, preparing to also initiate the slap-to-the-face method. "Oh, sorry." "Is something wrong, Dustin?" "No, why would there be?" "Well, come on, you just found out some shocking info and you're telling me that you are not affected one bit?"
How could she even suggest that? "What do you mean it didn't affect me? You shouldn't even be sarcastic about that! Cam is one of the best friends that ever came my way, and I care deeply for him! Do you know what me and the gang have been facing everyday for the past couple of weeks?
Kelly shook her hand, worrying what Dustin was going to do if his anger got out of control, while wondering what he was talking about. "I didn't even know then either. But now I do. Yes, I know he's hurting himself, but in more ways than you can possibly think of," he stated, not even remembering how everything he was saying was only mere guesses, no matter how plausible they were.
"Everyday, we kept seeing Cam deteriorating at a fast rate. Everyday, it looked as if the very life of him was going away. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you know how much it hurts to see someone you care about wasting before you?"
Now she was starting to get scared. Dustin was talking like Cam was dying and could die anytime soon. Kelly knew that Cam would never kill himself. At least…not intentionally…at least…that's what she thought. Also, she wanted so much to believe that the green ranger was going to be okay soon. However, that belief never came to her.
"I should've seen it. The dark bags, the collapsing yesterday, the weight loss which I just noticed, the dimming of his eyes, the lonely gaits he had. I should've seen it. Now look what's happened. It's all my fault." The anger that was stirring inside him like a storm was started to subside. However, the guilt and shame that replaced it was not any better.
"What do you mean that it was your fault?! There was absolutely no way you could've known what he was doing."
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Dustin yelled, starting to lose all his strength and emotional control. "You should have seen him the way the rest of us were seeing him. He never wanted to hang out with us, the energy he had began to diminish right before us, he obviously wasn't feeding himself properly because I could see the scrawniness, and now what happened next. I should have talked to someone earlier, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. CAM'S LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF ME!! The yellow ranger began to shake, as everything was overcoming him.
"YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE!" "COME OFF IT, KELLY. I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING!"
He backed up towards the chair that was set for him and collapsed onto it as if everything bottled up became an anchor, holding him down. Completely helpless, the ranger lowered his gaze to the floor below.
Kelly silently approached him, afraid that the slightest noise would cause him to run away, and she placed a hand on his back and rubbed comforting circles on it.
"Dustin, you're not responsible for this. I saw those marks on his wrists, and some of them were over a few weeks old. This process probably started at the same time that everything else did. Not only that, but I'm willing to bet you that you and your friends thought that you were helping Cam, right?"
Although he still felt guilty for everything, he had to admit that he thought that just talking to him and making him a part of everything would help rid him of whatever was picking at him. He slowly nodded his head to verify Kelly's insinuation, but quickly fixed his gaze back onto the floor.
"But it doesn't make a difference. The fact of the matter is that I kept all of this a secret, and that just lead to the continuation of this…this… you know," he said, still uncomfortable with the words as well as the whole situation."
"Kept what a secret, Dustin? The fact that Cam didn't look well? Most people would pass it off. Besides, you had no idea what was going on."
"But I should've…" "Enough, Dustin. I can't stand listening to this. Now you better listen good to this Dustin!
He just sat in his chair, unmoving and totally ignoring everything around him. "DUSTIN 'WALDO' BROOKS, YOU BETTER LOOK AT ME!" This immediately caught his attention.
After calming down for a few minutes, she went on with her lecture. "Listen, you have to understand that this is not your fault. I've been through what he's going through right now, and I've seen too many people like you blame themselves for it. You tried to help Cam and you didn't even know what to help with. That's a sign of a true friend. I've seen how caring you were when Cam fainted. I honestly can't believe that someone like that could ever cause something so horrible. Right now, who knows why Cam is cutting and starving and whatever. Personally, I was a cutter, and not even I could come up with a definite reason for it. But I did know that it was with all my feelings. It wasn't anybody's fault, not even mine. It's just all in my head and my emotions, and how I found a way to cope, which just happened to be an unhealthy way. Cam is obviously feeling this way, but it's not his fault. And it's not yours. Do you understand me?"
Dustin just sat there for a few minutes, pondering all that he had just heard. Somewhere, he knew that it wasn't his fault. He was just trying to help in anyway that he could. How was he supposed to know what was going on? However, finally realizing this did not ease the guilt inside him. Guilt is a very difficult thing to get rid of. But since he knew it had to be true, and to get the talk back onto Cam and not himself, he silently nodded his head.
Kelly, grateful for Dustin's change, gave him a swift hug which he graciously excepted. Sometime during all this, they both broke down, and they didn't even have a definite reason why. They just knew that they needed to right now.
After a while, they both got off of each other and quickly wiped away the tears in an effort to cover the whole thing up, not even knowing it was useless.
"I'm sorry for taking up time when we should…" "Hey, don't start again. You needed this. No harm done."
"Except to Cam. I just can't believe it, and there's still a part of me that refuses to believe it."
"Well, that's going to have to stop and you have to realize that Cam has a problem before you can help." "I know that I have to accept it, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it."
"I personally would think you crazy and sick if you did. Well, to tell you beforehand, I don't think we should get any psychiatrists and doctors in this yet."
This shocked the ranger. "Why not?" "Because he's very fragile at this stage. If we include people in here now, Cam's going to definitely withdraw, probably forever. We need Cam to see that he has a problem. Deep down, he knows he does, he's just afraid to admit it. I need you and the rest to be there for him."
"You can count on me. But, do I have to tell the rest about what happened? I mean, I know that the guinea pig has to know and…" "The guinea pig?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I meant his dad." "How the hell did you confuse his dad to guinea pig?" "I didn't." "Ooookkkaay." "Oops, forgot to tell you. Cam's father is a guinea pig."
"………Excuse me?" "Well, let's go into that later because it's a very long story." "I can't wait to hear this."
"Anyways, I know that his dad has to know, but since you said that we don't want to include people in this, maybe we should keep Cam's condition a secret from the others until then."
"I guess we could, but they'll have to know eventually," Kelly said. I mean, you can't expect us to keep something like this a secret forever. And, I think that Cam needs someone to talk to about this." "But I thought you just said that you didn't want people involved yet."
"I did, but that doesn't mean we can't talk to him," Kelly stated. "I really don't know much about talking on this subject, and personally, I don't think I would be comfortable with it."
"Don't worry, I'll talk to him. Just consider me a psychiatrist to him every week. You and Shane could be there for moral support. No doubt Cam is going to need it."
Dustin pondered this for a little bit. Counseling sessions of their own? Would it work? There was only one way to find out. "Count me in, Kelly. Whatever it takes to help him, I'll do it."
Immediately, both their faces brightened up, not considerably, but enough to be comforting. "Great. Well, tell Shane about this and try to get Cam to accompany you next Friday."
"It won't be easy, Kelly. Cam is a very stubborn person."
"Well, we'll have to find a way of getting around that." "Don't worry, you can count one me."
Dustin rose out of his chair and shook Kelly's hand, as if to seal the deal. "I'll talk with Shane when I find him and we'll both get Cam to accompany us next Friday. However, I'm not promising anything."
"I know. All you can promise is your best. Good luck."
With a final hug between them, Dustin moved towards the exit. It was when his hand was on the handle when he stopped. "Uh, Kelly?"
"Yes, Dustin." "Um, forgive me for asking this. You don't have to if you don't want to. I'll totally understand."
"What's the question?"
"How long did you…did you…well…you know?" Kelly was confused as to what Dustin was trying to say, only for a few minutes though. When she realized what he was speaking of, her face immediately turned into a frown.
"I started when I was 13 and with some help and a few on and offs in the works, I completely stopped at 17." 'Man, four years of that? I wouldn't stand it.'
"Do you think you can tell me how you felt then and what you did?" "I can't answer those questions yet, Dustin. I need time. I may have stopped, but it's still a touchy subject for me."
"It's okay, Kelly. Sorry for bringing it up." "No, no, no Dustin. If our roles were switched, I probably would have asked the same things. I'll tell you sometime, alright? Just not right now."
"I understand, Kelly." After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Dustin finally opened the door and left. In the room, Kelly stood still, thinking about Cam, his scars, her scars, and the questions that Dustin asked. It was all too much to take in one day.
It was only when the door was completely closed and Dustin was away from Storm Chargers that Kelly finally moved. She sat in the chair where the yellow ranger was sitting, and had one of the biggest cries of her life.
"Cam, please promise me!" Cam was out of Shane's sight, heading out of Ninja Ops. "Wait, Cam. Please come back. You can talk to me, you know that?" No response.
"DAMN IT!" "Shane?"
The red ranger swung around in surprise and stared at the small guinea pig before him.
"Is something wrong?" "Uh…no Sensei…um…everything's fine." 'Smooth, Shane. Real smooth."
Mr. Watanabe stayed silent for a few minutes, wondering about the scene he had just witnessed. It was clear to him that Shane was keeping something from him. Normally, he would have done some famous mind trick on him to get him to talk freely and comfortably, but this was his son. And that son just happened to be the one he was most worried about. "I don't mean to doubt you or anything, but I think you're lying."
That was a weird thing to say, especially from Sensei. "Wh...what do you mean?"
"I heard you screaming at Cam to promise you something and I saw him storm out. Did you guys have a fight?" "WHAT?! NO! It's just that…it's just that…"
"It's just what, Shane."
The red ranger tried to think of any excuse to get him out of this, but he came up with nothing. He was considering running away when he remembered what he had said to Cam himself back at Storm Chargers. 'Cam, you know that sooner or later, your father will have to know.' He might as well tell him now.
"Sensei, I have to tell you something." This was not going to be pleasant.
'Why does life have to be so complicated?'
A/N: Well, that's the end of Chapter 14. Like you usually do, read and review. I kept reading this chapter over and over again, and I couldn't stop myself from saying that it sucked. No matter how I wrote it, it came out weird to me. Perhaps doubting writing this story is just a phase that will eventually go away. My friends actually convinced me to write as a way of channeling my emotions out, so I know that this will pass. So far, writing has definitely been a HEALTHY way of coping. I really hope this story turns out good in the end. Why am I babbling? Sorry. Anyways, review me, and I'll update as soon as I can.
L8ER
