A/N: Hey, another chapter. I'm getting very pleased with myself. However, I'm a little lost. Everyone that I know says that the hardest part of writing a story is just starting it. I have to admit that the introduction is hard, but compared to what I'm going through, it's not the hardest thing. The more I put into the chapters, the more I question my typing. I read it to see if I am conveying the right emotions and messages, but I always feel like I'm not doing it right, even when I keep thinking about it over and over. Then, when I send in the continuations, I always get like 100 different ways I can continue, and I have a hard time deciding. Then, when I choose one, I try to figure out how to incorporate it into the plot and scenes that have already played out. If it doesn't work out, I usually go through 20 choices before I get to one that does works. And then, when I find it, I all of a sudden get 100 new ways to continue after that. And so repeats the annoying cycle of story writing. But anyways, why are all of you listening to me? It's the story you want. Here it is, and I hope you enjoy it.
Ordeals of Life
Chapter Fifteen: Eavesdroppings
"Cam, please promise me!" That was the last thing Cam heard before going out of Ninja Ops. After exiting, he just stood in the silence of the environment for a couple of seconds. At once, thoughts entered his head, all faster than the speed of light.
'I can't believe this! How dare Shane get up in business that is mine to know and expect to control it! I knew that being in the position of leader would fuck up his brain! He has no right to do this! I hate him! I hate Dustin! I hate Kelly! I hate everyone!'
"I HATE EVERYONE!" Cam yelled out in unison with his last thought, furiously grasping his head with his hands. This shocked him back into reality. Hoping no one heard, the samurai surveyed the surrounding woods with an analyzing gaze, as if expecting the trees to have heard what he yelled.
After another few seconds of silence, he underwent a drastic mood change. Instead of the anger being targeted at others, it now targeted himself.
'What the hell am I mad at the others anyway? It's not their fault I'm fucked up! I brought this all on myself. Of course people would find out. It's obvious to see. Now look what I've done. Now everyone's putting up a front. Now everyone's going to know, and they're going to pretend to care to make me feel better. I know, deep inside my heart, that I could burn in hell and no one would care!'
The strange thing about all this was that instead of getting angry at the others for leading him to a false sense of kindness, he was feeling guilty. He still wanted to be liked by these people deep down somewhere else in his heart, and he felt guilty for making the others waste energy on his pathetic self. Now, any chance of friendship with them was gone.
Cam stood still for a little bit, pondering on what he was going to do now. Well, keeping all of his problems a secret was out of the window now. Again, a debate was held within him, a debate that usually always happened during tense situations like this.
'Maybe you should just come clean to the others, including your dad. I mean, what can go wrong? Shane, Dustin, and Kelly found out, and their reactions were not what you expected. They actually seem to care about what's happening to you. Can you honestly tell yourself that they are not friends after looking into their eyes when they found out? Could you honestly say that they're just faking?'
Now, it was the opponent's speech. 'Maybe you should runaway. Look at what's happened to you now. You're miserable, pathetic, weak, and now other people know what you are truly like. You know that Shane, Dustin, and Kelly don't care. They all feel sorry for you. How did you expect for them to react to this? They're putting you on to make you feel better. Can you honestly say that they care when you know the truth? Can you honestly say that they are your friends?'
"OH GOD, JUST SHUTUP BOTH OF YOU!" Okay, now he was worried. Maybe he was crazy. Here he was, alone, yelling at his inner selves to shutup. 'I really am pathetic."
It took him a few moments to calm himself down. 'Maybe I should talk to Shane. I might as well apologize for the hell I've put him through.' He didn't even notice how he didn't put promising anything into it. Cam kept scrutinizing the situation, and he couldn't help but feel responsible for how Shane was acting.
Cam went through the entrance back inside, and was just about to rush in, when he heard a conversation happening between the red ranger and his dad below.
"Shane, whatever you are trying to say, feel free to say it. I consider myself your friend, Shane." Cam couldn't help but flinch in anger at that. His dad had never said anything like that to him, ever since his mother died. 'Was he only pretending to love me to make my mother happy?' He couldn't help but feel this way. As a child, he really wasn't shown enough love to suit him. For some reason, he always felt like everyone hated him. Standard adolescence stuff. However, this feeling had been with him his whole life.
"Sensei, it's not that difficult to say. You see…well…Dustin and I…"
What was he going to say?
"Shane, what's wrong with Cam?"
"I still don't quite know the full situation, Sensei."
Uh-oh. Now, the samurai knew what he was talking about. 'I can't let Dad know. NO, I REFUSE TO LET HIM KNOW.' But what was he to do? He had no plan, but he knew he had to stop him at all costs.
Without thinking, Cam rushed down into the main area of Ninja Ops and interrupted the entire conversation. In what he hoped to be very good acting, Cam went, "Shane, there's something urgent I need to discuss with you!"
Being the leader, Shane was immediately concerned. "What is it, Cam?"
"Quick, come with me!" Shane didn't even think that Cam could have been eavesdropping and immediately followed him. "Don't worry, Sensei. We'll continue with this later."
As quick as the speed of sound, the two ran up the stairs, leaving a very confused Sensei behind. "Oh Cam, what's going on with you? I can't shake the feeling, and I now it sounds ridiculous but," He swallowed, not really wanting to say it but couldn't help it, "but I feel like I'm losing you. Right now, I don't know what to do, and I can't stop thinking that you're going away. Maybe not physically, but by how you're looking and probably feeling, you might as well be. I never want that to happen."
He continued on with his conversation, even though his son wasn't there to hear it. 'I know that you were forced to grow up when my wife died. I can't help but cry every time I think of it. I was just like you. I thought that since she was dead, that the whole world would stop spinning. But I realized that it didn't. You keep on going. But for you, I think it's still at a standstill. GOD, I WISH YOU WOULD JUST COME TO ME, LIKE YOU USED TO! You're the only thing I have and really need left.'
Sensei soon started to shake with untold emotion. 'I don't know what's going on, but I want it to stop. God, please help him. If I lose him, I couldn't livewith myself. Sure, the rangers are great and I thank you everyday for letting me get to know them, but they can never replace my beloved son. I love him so much.' He said the last sentence to himself with 100sincerity, maybe more. "If I lose him, physically or emotionally, my spirit, soul, heart, and everything else I'm made up of will go with him.
The two probably ran for about 5 minutes before Cam halted Shane. "Alright, what's the emergency?'
"What the hell were you thinking! How could you even begin to tell Sensei now!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" It took a while, but Shane finally got the message.
"Look, Cam…your dad needs to know." "How would you know? I can't even begin to describe to you the situation I'm in."
"But that doesn't mean I don't know the state it's in," the red ranger went on. "How could you even consider keeping this a secret? Your dad cares about you. Don't you know that? I don't know how this whole thing got started, but I don't want to see you like this ever! I care for you, Cam. I always will. But right now, I think you need family."
Cam considered everything Shane said for a few minutes. He couldn't help but let a part of himself believe some of it. In all honesty, he really did want to tell him. But there was no way he could go on if he heard what he thought about his dad was true. 'I can't tell him. He's going to hate me. What kind of father would love somebody like me? I don't deserve him, not anymore than I deserve you.'
Cam was near tears, and he hated how much he did. He hated being weak. He hated feeling unloved. He hated feeling lonely. Basically, he hated feeling anything at all. Yes, he would like to know what it's like to be loved and cared for. But you know what people say, "Once you know true pleasure, you'll know true pain." He never wanted to feel that, although he was doing a pretty good job at it so far.
"Cam, are you listening to me?"
A couple of minutes went by, all spent in uncomfortable silence. "Yes, I was. Don't worry. You're right. I don't like it that much, but you are correct. I need family, more than you could know. I need and want that more than anything right now. But you don't understand. The reason that I want one is because I never had one to begin with.
"What do you mean you don't have one? You have your friends and your dad. You can always come to us. We're always looking out for you. That's what a family does."
Cam responded, "If you knew how I felt, you would know the truth." "What truth are you speaking of, Cam?" "That nobody cares about me. You all think I'm trash!"
Shane just stood there in awe at what his friend just said. Was that really how he felt? "Cam, I…"
"Oh, I'm sorry Shane." "Cam…" "Listen, I'm sorry that I yelled at you. I know it's not your fault."
"BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER, CAM! Whatever caused you to do this, I know it's not your fault. You know that, right? You knew that the gang and I care about you, right?"
"Listen, Shane. I'll tell my dad eventually. I know that I must. But, I just can't right now, nor can I tell anybody else either. I mean, with everything that's happened today, I just need time to think."
"That's great, but you didn't answer my other questions. Do you know that you have people that care for you? I don't know how you got to thinking like this, but people do worry about you. We're concerned about how much you might be hurting. Me, Dustin, Tori, the Thunders, and your dad all are your family. We can help you through this. Just let us."
Cam was now starting to lose control of himself. He so wanted to believe everything he was saying, but for some reason, he couldn't let it in. "I need to go. I need to set things straight with my dad." With sadness and despair, he depressingly walked in the direction backto Ops to confront his dad, leaving the leader of the winds there, who for the first time, didn't know what to do.
As Shane started to walk away, obviously looking for a place to meditate and get his head cleared, he didn't notice Blake and Hunter come from behind a tree. They had listened to the entire conversation. There was no way they could help it.
The two brothers didn't say anything for awhile. Hunter looked like he was going to burst pretty soon, and Blake looked like he was scared that his brother would. 'God Cam, what's going on? Why are you acting this way? I want our Cam back, the sarcastic one, the funny one, the take charge one. This one doesn't suit me at all. Where did you go, Cam?' As soon as Blake finished that last thought, his brother finally burst.
"Blake, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
"Hunter, calm down." "I will not calm down! I knew there was something wrong with Cam. Didn't you hear? I also know that there not including us in this."
Blake continued to try his best to console his brother. "Look, we still have no idea what's going on here."
"There's no excuse to not telling us." "TELLING US WHAT? That something's wrong with him. Practically everyone knew that now." "Obviously, Shane knows what's going on."
"The only thing we know for sure is that Cam feels isolated. Did you hear what he said? That he has no family. How could he think like that?"
Hunter pondered through the answers he came up, but each one seemed highly unlikely to happen. "I need to talk to Cam about this."
"NO, YOU WILL NOT!"
"I NEED TO! HE COULD BE IN DANGER!"
"HUNTER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!" Not really wanting to listen to his brother, but obviously not having any choice, he surrendered. "Look, no one knows you more than me. You would go to Cam, force him to tell you, keep your eye on him 24/7, and tell all of the gang about it." "THAT'S BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT HIM."
"I know you do, Hunter. Hell, ever since you joined the team, you treat him like the younger brother, and he's older than you."
"I know. I don't quite get it, but there's something about him that makes you want to protect him all the time. He may be a good fighter, but there's this certain vulnerability that always surrounds him. Sometimes, I wish we could adopt him as a brother. It's not just me. Practically the whole team thinks of Cam as a person who needs to have people near him all the time, even if he says he's an introvert."
Blake stood there, quite surprised as to how he could miss something like that. "I see that now. I appreciate you and the others for caring so much. However, it looks like the last thing Cam needs to hear is that he's vulnerable."
Hunter turned around in anger, knowing that there wasn't much they can do right now. "All you can do is to make sure Cam is comfortable and alright. You can check up on him, Hunter, just not all the time or he might get suspicious. Remember, he doesn't want others to know yet, whatever 'this' is. So, can you promise me you won't do anything drastic?"
Hunter tightened up in frustration, and with one punch in the air, finally said, "Oh, alright. It looks like I have no choice. God, I just can't stop worrying about him."
Blake put his right hand on his shoulder and whispered to him, "Me too."
With one last understanding look at each other, Blake and Hunter headed towards Ops to talk to Shane and to check up on Cam. "Don't worry, bro. I'm pretty sure that whatever is going on, it'll get better soon.
While passing by a far away tree, not even noticing Cam forcing himself to vomit, they didn't realize how much worse it was going to get.
A/N: I know, short chapter. It doesn't look at will get to anything else though. Anyways, I still hope you read and review. Before I go, THERE'S ONE MORE THING. I finally figured out how my instant messenger on msn works. Now, I'm starting to gather friends over it to add to my instant messaging list. Anyways, when you review, tell me if I can add any of you guys too it. I'm just one of those people who has to have permission so he doesn't feel like barging in. Anyways, have a nice life wherever you are, and STAYED TUNE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ORDEALS OF LIFE. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
