Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina. I'm just using the characters for my insidious amusement. All Marvel-related stuff belongs to Marvel Comics. All songs mentioned in this fic belong to the bands/artists that made them. I don't own the Cthulhu Mythos. I don't own BattleTech or MechWarrior. And finally: Stormbringer is the property and creation of Michael Moorcock.
Since Andrew Joshua Talon asked me to give him a guest appearance in my fic, I've also starred him in this anarchistic storyline.
"There he is!"
"Kill him!"
"Kill him!"
"Death to the elf-hater!"
"Yes! Death to the blasphemer!"
Seygram13 was currently being chased by a mob carrying torches and whatever they could use to literally make a bloody mess out of him that not even carrions would eat.
He gripped Stormbringer in his left hand as he ran.
His lungs inhaled and exhaled the night air as he stopped and began breathing heavily. His Asthma didn't make it any easy for him.
(Stupid, intolerant elf-lovers! I seriously hope you get what's coming to you in the end!)
He hoped that his allergies wouldn't kick in tonight as he hid in the vast forest. Getting a runny nose and itches was not on his survival list today. He took cover behind a tree.
Luckily for him the mob didn't consist of any elves or half-elves or anyone for that matter who had decent tracking skills and could travel in the forest with ease.
An arrow whizzed past him and imbedded itself in another tree.
"BLEEP!" he swore in his native language.
(The forest must be crawlin' with 'em!)
He looked defeated. "I get the feeling that I'm going to be dead soon…"
Seygram 13 felt very sorry for himself (he does that a lot) and wished that he had a flamethrower so that he could turn the green, beautiful forest into a blazing inferno that would also become the elves funeral pyre if they chose to remain hidden there while it burned down.
"Yikes!"
He dodged another arrow that almost hit him in the chest area where the heart lay.
He ran through the vast, dark forest as arrows rained everywhere. Miraculously none of them even hit him as he ran in panic and sheer cowardice.
If there was one thing that people didn't like, it was a fic-writer who thought he was funny and wrote fanfics that got out of hand.
"YOU FOOLS, WHY ON EARTH DID YOU BRING TORCHES INTO A DRYFOREST!"
It was one of the elves who shrieked at the mob that was also after him that howled that.
Suddenly something in the forest began to burn. The fire began swiftly to spread itself before anyone could react and parts of the forest indeed begun to resemble an inferno of flames.
Several elves began to scream in horror at what the mob in its frenzy had accidentally done when they discarded torches that seemingly died out and threw them on the ground close to dry vegetation like bushes and trees and grass.
In their rage they instead turned on the mob, slaughtering them as they rained arrows upon arrows at them and then ran screaming at them, waving their new, shiny ultra elven katanas and began to cut them down.
Meanwhile the fire had encircled both the elves and the mob, trapping them without any hopes of escape and survival.
(And I thought I was 'the stupid one' around here.) Seygram13 thought while blinking in astonishment at the elves stupidity. They could have saved themselves (and spared their worshippers) and tried to put out the fire or escape, but they "had to" punish the inferior humans for that.
He had eventually managed to get himself lost in the woods, but had in the end through no sense of direction managed to reach the outskirts of the forest before it went ablaze.
He began to retch as a horrifying stench of something that was burning entered his nostrils.
"How could the party of elven rangers fail!"
"Due to their own arrogance, Sir." Said another man before he was decapitated for speaking out against the glorious elves with a katana (as usual) wielded by the leader.
The leader kicked the head away contemptuously with a sneer while wiping his katana clean with a cloth. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE GLORIOUS ELVES, YOU HERETIC!"
"Ummmm, Sir? If you haven't noticed you just executed the guy who had just come up with the perfect plan to exterminate Seygram13, and you just viciously murdered him before he could share it with us." another man informed him.
"Seriously, you should do something about that temper of yours," advised another.
"Are you saying that I'm unable to hold my temper?"
"Yes…. And please-don't-kill-me!"
"Relax," another man whispered into the other man's ear, "He only kills people who criticize elves (most of the time) and people who write tasteless fanfics."
"Well that's not very good news, now is it?" The first one replied as he began to sweat. He didn't want to be cut down.
This was a very unusual situation. Somewhere long from the outskirts of the smoking forest, the infamous fic-writer Seygram13 had encountered and elf sitting on a stump of a chopped-down tree. No he didn't play an Ocarina and he didn't wear a green tunic and cap!
Normally Seygram13 would have hacked up every elf he saw in pure fear and desperation, but this time he opted not to, even if he was afraid.
The reason for not chopping this brown-haired elf to bits was:
a) He wore a normal sword instead of a katana.
b) The bow he carried didn't seem to be magical.
c) Neither seemed the arrows in his quiver to be magical.
d) He looked like the type who would slowly torture any other elf who took a name that was supposed to be oriental-like to death.
e) He wore standard, almost worn-out leather armour.
f) None of his equipment seemed magical.
"So you're the infamous Seygram13," the male elf simply said to him.
"No." Seygram13 lied.
"If you're not him, then why are you lugging Stormbringer around?"
"Well….Eh….."
"Relax! I'm not here to kill you. In fact I'm here to thank you."
"What!" the fic-writer exclaimed in surprise, wondering if the sky was about to fall down. This elf said he wanted to "thank him"? This was really confusing.
"I take it you don't understand why I and other elves thank you for viciously murdering other of my kin in brutal fashions that would make most people pale."
"Yes."
"Well," the elf began to explain, " since there are too many elven munchkins running around and you are basically snuffing out some of them, you are doing the elven community a great service by ridding us of these megalomaniacal lunatics."
"So you're telling me that the majority of elves are sick of having elves with oriental-like names that prance arrogantly around with katanas and being totally übermunchkin."
"That's right." He said with a smile.
"That seems kind of cynical coming from an elf."
"I'm not your average day treehugger. And I also like to read Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett."
"How do I know that this isn't some kind of trick and that you'll try to kill me as soon as I've turned my back to you?"
"Paranoid as usual, eh?"
"It keeps me alive." The author replied both glumly and sincerely at the same time. "What's your name, by the way?"
"Saul."
"Saul?"
"What did you expect? Ryuji or Legolas?"
"Something like that."
"Sheesh, you humans have some strange obsession with giving every elf you create weird names." Saul sighed while he shook his head.
"You could say that." The author answered sheepishly.
Seygram 13 wiped his glasses. His brown eyes determined.
It was time to unleash the third chapter of his malevolent fic.
Seygram 13 presents: Urashima Keitaro and THE ATTACK OF THE 50-FOOT NARU AND MOTOKO
Rated: IR (Insane Rambling)
Flame On! Flamers!
Chapter 3: Be Quick Or Be Dead
Imagine being chased by King Kong-sized women on a furious rampage, and thereafter the Punisher piloting a giant BattleMech.
That describes the current situation and crisis in the lives of the super-villain named: The Ronin… and his partner and protégé Sarah MacDougal, the she-devil from California.
The Hunchback and the Raven were now running away…again.
It seemed quite ironic to Sarah and Keitaro that they were in fact not the only Mechwarrior fans in Japan; in fact a Japanese Yakuza leader was also a fan of the Battletech universe and had drained vast resources to build a giant Atlas BattleMech. When the Punisher had arrived at this man's hideout and in true Frank Castle-fashion gunned everyone down, Punisher had found the Atlas after discovering a secret entrance the Yakuza boss had opened (before Frank put a dumdum bullet through the back of his head since he ran out of hollow points a few dead goons ago) while trying to escape his apparent doom. Since Castle knew that the Ronin owned at least three giant robotic (turtle-like) monstrosities of death and destruction, he decided to go ahead and pilot the giant robot/mech with a skull-like head. Fortunately for him there was a manual lying around in the cockpit that explained in several steps how to pilot this machine of death.
Okinawa:
Captain Andrew Joshua Talon of the US Navy readied his F/A-18E Super Hornet and lifted off from the hangar ship where he had been stationed on Okinawa.
Somehow the Japanese government had convinced the US through diplomacy to give them air support to handle the sudden crisis taking place in Hinata.
Accompanied by three other F/A-18Es and three F/A-18F Super Hornets, they felt confident enough to take on the giant robots and the brides of King Kong. An S-3 Viking was also launched as a scout to survey the area electronically.
"Let's get this show on the road, guys!"
"Aye, aye, Captain!" the other pilots chorused simultaneously.
The infamous Dr. Doom, the renowned and infamous ruler of the tiny country known as Latveria was currently in a secret library hidden under an infamous haunted mansion haunted by the ghosts of dozens of deceased, underage magical girls that were gunned down by hitmen that housed numerous scrolls and ancient tomes which contained the knowledge of the mysterious dark, cruel and ancient sorcerers of the East.
True he possessed knowledge of magic that even Dr. Strange himself who was more versed in the arts wouldn't dare to underestimate him as a capable sorcerer despite that he relied on a combination of science and magic to further his sinister goals while Stephen Strange like most other mystic relied on magic alone. To depend on one thing alone could be disastrous and Doom was no fool.
Too bad he still hadn't found the spell would curse Reed Richards into unendingly babble boring technical stuff which most normal people wouldn't understand till the of time, causing numerous people hearing him to commit suicide to end the terrible torment of Richards neverending banter. Those big-breasted women he had met earlier wielding assorted weaponry and using various energy attacks and magic which usually required them to say the attack's name were child's play compared to the Fantastic Four. And their costumes were even more cheesy than the Fantastic Four's old costumes and the X-Men's and the Avengers' old threads put together and mixed into a blender that made super-heroes' costumes. The underage magical girls were worse though. He shuddered as he remembered those ghastly costumes they wore. He suddenly got an idea - by projecting images of various magical girls into the mind of Richards to turn him into a raving madman. Doom smiled behind his metallic mask.
The wall suddenly exploded as a hypersonic, gigantic slug fired from a huge Gauss Rifle crashed through and exited through the adjacent wall, destroying most of the scrolls and tomes (since they were so old that they were very vulnerable to destructive incidents like these).
Needless to say, Dr. Doom was very angered by this, but managed to regain his composure and began to investigate the cause of this needless display of senseless vandalism.
Keitaro breathed out a sigh of relief as the Punisher somehow managed to miss him and Sarah with the Gauss Rifle.
"You OK, Sarah?"
"I think so, Keitaro." Sarah responded.
"By the looks of it he's armed with two PPC's (particle projector cannons), one LRM (long range missile) rack, a Gauss rifle and three small lasers."
"Why do I have the feeling that we're doomed?"
"Maybe because Punisher is sitting in the cockpit of one of the most dangerous assault 'Mechs that has ever been built."
"That could be it."
"But," Keitaro interrupted, "he's also a lot more slower than we are. That means we can run away and hope that he never catches us, or come up with a tactical plan to defeat him."
"Good plan," Sarah answered, "we can use the buildings as cover while we're at it."
"If it hadn't been for the fact that you were a kid I would have asked you to marry me." Keitaro said jokingly to his partner.
"What is it with you Asians and your obsession with blonde, blue-eyed women?" Sarah replied in a mocking melodramatic manner.
"Who knows?" shrugged the Ronin as he dodged several missiles fired from the Atlas and two PPC bolts missed him and damaged an abandoned building that collapsed minutes after it was struck.
Sarah dodged another round fired by the powerful Gauss Rifle (which was practically a super rail gun) by running through a small alley and said, "It's too bad that our BattleMechs aren't equipped with long range weaponry, Keitaro."
"Yeah, I know." he answered "Both our mechs are equipped with short range weapons and it's too risky to try a skirmish with the Atlas since it can make mincemeat out of us before we even can get into firing range." Keitaro then remembered something. "Where are Naru and Motoko?" he asked.
"Who knows. Let's worry about him first and the girls 'later'."
"You're right!"
The two of them used every knowledge of BattleMech piloting they had to avoid Punisher's weapons and gallantly chickened out to Frank Castle's chagrin.
"Evildoers and minions of darkness! Prepare to be destroyed!" The magical girls cried out and charged.
Haitani and Shirai swore out loud as the prepared their trusty BFGs (Bimbo Fraggin' Guns), the sound of the guns being powered up as they began to hum.
"Eat hot plasma!" Shirai shouted and fired a powerful blast towards them.
"You want some of this?" Haitani also cried out and also unleashed a powerful blast at them.
Both failed with their macho trash talking. And the disgustingly clad magical girls evaded the blasts and continued charging and began unleashing sick-coloured energy blasts of their own.
Hearing the name Rainbow-Coloured Deathbeam of Annihilation would make anyone shiver in fear or succumb to an epileptic seizure of giant proportions.
As another magical girl was about to finish crying out the name of her other super-ultra attack, Shirai slammed the butt of his energy rifle into her stomach -
"OOOOOOF!"
And then slamming it into her head.
CRACK!
"Don't underestimate me because I'm fat, you underage freaks of nature!" And unleashed a point blank shot which turned the hyper-cute girl into a non-cute pile of ashes.
ZAAAAAP!
"I thought you said you were big-boned?"
"Shut up, Beanstalk!"
"Don't call me 'Beanstalk'!" a very red-faced Haitani roared out and blocked a blow from a magical girl with his rifle which absorbed the blow, resulting that girl broke her hand, and delivered a desperate roundhouse kick which connected with the head of the other one flanking him. He then blew a hole through the chest of the magical girl who had broken her hand. "Two down , two to go, pal!"
Shinobu and Kaolla Su had their hands full with the magical helpers of these magical girls. Luckily Shinobu had managed to fish out one of the frying pans used in the kitchen out of the pile of rubble. She used it to her advantage.
CLANG!
BOOM!
And somehow Kaolla Su had managed to smuggle a bazooka with her, which she used to blow apart a cute furry animal with too big to be true (and too cute for comfort) eyes.
Mutsumi Otohime instinctively blocked a blow to her solar plexus., surprising the magical girl who tried to take her out. She then responded by giving her a good right hook in the jaw….
KA-POW!
And she went sailing over the horizon.
Mustumi blinked.
"Ara?"
Sure it was rather odd to suddenly faint and wake up finding out someone had turned you into a cyborg. But she had to admit that it was nice not faint every now and then.
"Phew!" Haitani sighed. "That was really a close call."
"You're telling me!" snorted Shirai. "It would have been embarrassing to be blown to kingdom come by a pack of underage freaks ranting about creating a utopia where they become the new upper class."
"And to think that people like the ghastly costumes they wear. Ugh!"
"That's humanity in general." Explained Shirai in a tutoring manner. "Stupidity and arrogance is one of the traits we see in all cultures and people all around the world. And to think that some chowderhead intellectuals from our country babbled complete utter nonsense about other Asians being inferior during the 30s and World War II."
"You know how stupid intellectuals are despite their knowledge." Haitani answered. "All around the world during that time people from around the world were for some reason beyond my senses obsessed with eugenics, social-darwinism and so-called 'superiority' of some races."
"People are stupid."
"Amen to that."
"Didn't we forget one of them?" Shirai asked while blinking in realization.
The remaining magical began to stir as she lay on the ground after Haitani had downed her with his kick. Both Haitani and Shirai charged their BFGs to full power and disintegrated her.
"Croak!"
"I know, big brother! My arms are getting tired too."
Standing in front of Shub-Kitsune and warding her off with their empowered Elder Signs was pretty easy. The problem was that you tend to get tired when you hold something in front of a person for a long time.
Leonard and Hannibal were in a mess.
This was due to the casting of a simple spell turned wrong.
Somehow they had managed to infuse a part of the essence of the Great Old One, Shub-Niggurath into the body of Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno, making her officially a part of a cosmic, deity-like monstrosity with an ungodly libido.
"Why don't you boys give up and come over here?"
"Madam," Hannibal said, "I do not intend to have you use me and my brother as sex toys and having weird monstrous, slimy/scaly/multi-limbed children with idiotic guttural names!"
"Croak!"
"And as my brother so precisely and colourfully put it - you're not our type!"
"I'll get you yet!" Shub-Kitsune began to hiss as her voice became darker and more sinister and her eyes turned as dark as dark can be.
"Uh-oh!"
"Croak!" Leonard agreed.
"Is it just me or did I just see discharges of energy coming from those ruins?" one of the crewmembers in the S-3 Viking asked his fellow crewmembers.
"Could be," one of them shrugged, "but I was busy observing our targets: Three Battlemechs and two enlarged Asian women."
Has the captain been informed of the location of the targets?"
"Yes."
"And Harold…"
"Yes?"
"Stop constantly singing Surfin' Bird when we're flying, or we'll throw you out of the plane without any parachute."
Harold gulped, "Okay."
"THIS KEEPS GETTING WEIRDER AND WEIRDER," said Naru.
"I AGREE WITH YOU," Motoko said.
The two fifty foot tall girls were standing on an abandoned street. It was abandoned since the people ran away screaming after seeing the chaos and destruction unleashed today.
"IS IT JUST ME OR AM I SEEING AIRPLANES?" Naru asked as she looked up the sky.
"THEY LOOK LIKE PLANES, YES." Answered Motoko.
"Has everyone got a lock on them?" Captain Andrew Joshua Talon asked his men.
"Yessir!" all of them barked in unison.
"Then let's ice those bitches!"
Several air-to-surface missiles from the F/A-18Fs and the F/A-18Es were unleashed upon the enlarged young women known to us as Naru Narusegawa and Motoko Aoyama.
"YIKES!" Naru exclaimed as several missiles impacted upon them, but merely giving them a few scratches.
"HIKEN ZANKUSEN!" Motoko bellowed and with a swing unleashed a large air blast.
"Evade!" the captain roared out to his men as everyone began to scatter from their formation.
One of the F/A-18Es managed narrowly to avoid being blown to pieces through sheer skill and luck. Unfortunately the tail of the plane was severed from the impact which struck it.
"Captain! I'm bailing out!" the pilot informed and ejected out of the cockpit. He released the parachute after quickly calculating where it was possible where he would land.
"Vincent's down captain. What should we do!" a pilot from one of the F/A-18Fs said while trying not to panic.
"We keep on hammering them till they drop, pal!" Talon answered.
"Sounds like a good idea to me." The co-pilot in the F/A-18F Super Hornet replied.
"What about dropping a few laser-guided bombs on top of them, sir?" another pilot suggested. "Or what about some good ol' napalm?"
"We're supposed to save the city, not blow apart, soldier. But I have to admit that it's rather tempting, even if it's too extreme for comfort."
"Will'ya look at those hooters, guys! They're frickin' huge!"
"Are you some kind of pervert who gets turned on by gigantic women?" another pilot commented sourly.
"But you have to admit," another pilot said, "they really are 'huge'."
"Enough comedy, guys - we have work to do!" Captain Talon finally said.
(Join the US navy. See the world. And here I am stuck in Okinawa with the biggest bunch of lunatics who's ever flown a fighter plane.) He thought dryly to himself.
"Incoming!" another pilot roared out as the raven-haired women used her giant sword to hurl another blast at them….
"Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed." quoted Naomi cheerfully as she started the Batmobile from the old Batman TV-series from the 60s.
"I have a reaallly bad feeling about this, Naomi." Mariam said to her partner as she sat down beside her in the seat beside the driver seat.
"Don't worry. I know how to drive." Naomi answered as she used the stick shift to put the car in reverse and held one foot on the clutch as she did so and then pushed the accelerator pedal with her other foot as she released some pressure on the clutch.
"But you don't have a licence!"
"Who said I needed one?" she said casually as she reversed the car out of the car exhibition inside the warehouse. After exiting and turning the car properly, she increased the pressure on the clutch as she switched the gear. "Hang on tight!" she simply said and pressed the accelerator pedal.
(At least we didn't steal that car from Knight Rider.) Mariam thought in relief. But that was the only positive thought going through her head at the time.
"We could try to make him overheat his 'Mech and make him temporarily shut down… and then we attack him with all we got." The Ronin suggested.
"Maybe, but are we brave enough to provoke him into firing at us like a maniac."
"No."
"At least we are being honest about it," Sarah sighed.
"What about turning over to passive sensors, sneak up on him from behind and try to clobber him?"
"We've got nothing to lose by trying that." She answered.
"Maintain radio silence until we're certain we're behind him. Follow me." Keitaro ended the transmission and switched to passive sensors. Sarah did the same.
Taking the lead, the Raven took the lead followed by the Hunchback.
They knew the risk of taking on the Punisher.
Sarah's Hunchback was ideal for urban combat, while Keitaro's Raven was one of the best scouts and could support other 'Mechs in a firefight while not being a BattleMech made for combat.
Both 'Mechs walked slowly to avoid making too much noise.
Frank Castle swore heavily as his two targets disappeared from the sensors on his Atlas. (Well two can play at that game!) he thought and turned to passive sensors as well.
Thus the dangerous game of cat and mousse began between them. The Punisher versus the Ronin and his partner.
Prowling the streets, the two 'Mechs tried to find the big one while the big 'Mech tried to find the two smaller ones…
"Is the door behind us?" Hannibal asked his brother while keeping the Elder Sign and his eyes trained on a scowling Shub-Kitsune.
Leonard looked slowly over his shoulder while at the same time holding his ward in front of the cosmic entity at the same time. "Croak." He confirmed.
"Is it open?"
"Croak." Leonard answered.
"Okay, we'll do this slowly and steadily."
Slowly the two brothers began slowly to walk backwards in the direction of their exit without turning their backs to Shub-Kitsune.
Despite being scaly and a little slimy, Leonard began to slightly sweat. Hannibal was also sweating due to the stress.
(Dear Father Dagon and Mother Hydra: Don't let her catch us! Don't let her catch us!) Hannibal silently prayed. (O Great And Terrible Cthulhu. If you hear my pathetic prayer - please save us!)
"Croak?" said Leonard as they passed through the door with Shub-Kitsune slowly following them.
"Yup!" Hannibal answered.
Working together the two brothers quickly grabbed the handles of one door each and slammed them shut in front of Shub-Kitsune.
"HEY!" she roared in inhuman anger.
The two brothers began quickly to chant the most powerful warding spells they could come up with on short notice, their eyes turning into black pools of shadow. Seconds later the doors were surrounded by an eldritch, sinister aura."
"Croak?" Leonard asked his younger brother.
"I think the wards will hold her for a minute or two, big brother." He answered.
"Croak."
"I agree."
Both turned and ran as fast as they could while they could hear someone curse loudly in an alien language behind the two warded doors.
A minute later the two doors simply exploded and an angry Shub-Kitsune surrounded by a crackling black aura stepped out. Matter around her was shaped in different forms by her will alone as she slowly began to levitate in the air, flying in the direction of the two brothers.
(Actually scaring them silly in order to make them conjure more liquor for me is kinda fun.) Shub-Kitsune smirked. She knew she had the power to do this herself without almost any effort, but it was more fun to scam sake from others without really trying hard. (These two clowns are even wimpier than Keitaro.)
In the past she would most likely have flirted with them in order to make them get her what she wanted (which usually consisted of material goods like clothes and sake), but now she felt different. She felt more flamboyant than before and empowered with cosmic powers which made her a force to be reckoned with.
She stopped as she saw a couch and several barrels filled with sake lying there in front of her.
Shub-Kitsune grinned a vixen-like grin. (I think I can take a short break…..)
Andrew swore loudly as his F/A-18E avoided another blast from Motoko and fired a spray of machine gun rounds at her while simultaneously launching four air-to-surface missiles which she managed to cut down in mid-air.
"What's your status?" he asked his men.
"Our planes are a little shook up, but they're fine for the moment," answered one of the pilots.
"We'll try to surround them. They can't block missiles from both directions. And if it gets too tough, we drop a few bombs on 'em."
"Aye, aye, sir!"
"Captain! I think I can see the big robot a few blocks away!" another pilot suddenly said. "I can't see it on radar, but it's definitely down there."
"The huge robot is certainly the most dangerous thing out there." One of the crewmembers in the S-3 answered through the radio. "We suggest taking them out as soon as possible. We'll be keeping an eye out for all targets and transmit the whereabouts of their vicinity."
"So what do we do, sir?" the pilot asked.
"I think we should split up into two groups and try to take all three targets out. To all F/A-18Fs: concentrate fire on the biggest robot and take out the other ones as secondary targets."
"Yessir!" The F/A-18F pilots barked out.
"Na na na na na na na…. Batman!" a female voice was singing (or at least trying to sing) while steering the car quite well despite not having a licence to drive an automobile.
"Will you please stop with that awful singing?" Mariam complained to the driver. "I swear I could see people on the street twitching and convulsing in pain from your racket."
"Are you insinuating that I can't sing at all?" Naomi asked her sarcastic partner.
"Is the world round?"
"Yes."
"Then you can't sing."
"So what if I can't sing." Naomi shrugged. "It's not a crime to sing in public, Mariam."
"Singing? I thought you were testing some form of psychological warfare on those people." Was the sardonic reply coming from Mariam.
"At least I don't dress up in a freaking downright silly skirt and sing stupid love songs like Naru once did."
"You would most likely have dressed up like Cher in her in her music video 'If I could turn back time' and sing old Roxette songs in front of a whole crowd of male students." Mariam commented dryly.
"I like Roxette. You got something against it! And that costume wasn't that revealing!" Naomi replied hotly. "At least I don't listen to Phil Collins every day."
"What in the world is wrong with Phil Collins?" a red-faced Mariam asked Naomi menacingly.
Naomi gave her a wicked smile, "Fooled ya!"
Mariam grumbled something about irritating people as Naomi continued driving. Turning on the radio and tuning it in, it soon began to play AC/DC's Thunderstruck.
"Now we just have to follow the explosions to find the boss." Naomi remarked cheerfully as she slightly increased the speed of the car.
What Dr. Doom saw surprised him.
It seemed that the city was experiencing anarchy on a grand scale.
Three large robots piloted by three different people were on a rampage. And to female versions of Giant-Man were prancing around town half-naked while trying to swat away airplanes sent out by the US Navy. And he was sensing a large quantity of black magic being used under the Tokyo University, which had been rebuilt after the Ronin trashed it like a methodical madman with his robot turtles.
He had seen worse, but unlike the other incidents this was more chaotic and anarchistic and downright idiotic to the point of supreme stupidity.
He knew that Keitaro Urashima was somehow responsible for this mess and knew that only he was truly capable of such fantastic and both idiotic feats at the same time.
Like the time he and his erratic protégé and partner-in-crime tried to steal some of his Doom-bots and instead ended up re-activating seventy of them them and resulting in that the capital of Latveria had to rebuild a lot of things. And he had finally decided to make bicycles out of the remains of the Doom-bots.
The Ronin was most likely the stupidest super-villain on the planet and also one of the most daring ones when it came to action. He could hold his own in a fight when needed. That was the only positive thing he could say of him.
He decided to wait in the background and if necessary intervene if things got too out of hand…..
(Where the BLEEP is he!) was the current thought going through Sarah MacDougal's head at the moment. It was hard to fight off the constant paranoia of walking around with passive sensors with maintained radio silence. Despite that the sensors still managed to maintain a shorter scanning radius, it was still possible for someone with good eyes to blast them from a distance that the passive sensors would not be able to detect him, having the moment of surprise on his side. She began to feel the sweating, and the heat inside the 'Mech was beginning to strain her concentration. She was nervous and she didn't want to die.
Both she and Keitaro knew that it was up to her Hunchback to take out Punisher. The heavy LBX AC20 was the only thing in their arsenal which could inflict sufficient damage to take out the Atlas in short enough time. The only problem was that it would take several precise shots because the Atlas was one of the most armoured assault 'Mechs that could take a beating and still manage to come out as the victor in a firefight.
But it was up to Keitaro to find Punisher before he could spot them since his Raven was built to detect most enemies when scouting for trouble.
Keitaro wanted to run away. His brain and sub-consciousness were screaming at him to flee for his miserable life and hide somewhere safe.
He wished he had never chosen to wear that black tank top today. It was very hot inside the cockpit of his BattleMech and he had discarded his black leather jumpsuit and donned some jeans while keeping his tank top. He also wished he had had the foresight to install air-conditioning (which he hadn't done and was now regretting it).
He tried keeping his eyes both peeled on the various sensor arrays and looking through the cockpit windows in search of his enemy. It was hard. Especially when you're filled with angst, stress and fear which would make most people hug themselves in fright and crawl to somewhere dark (and hopefully safe) to hide.
He brought his 'Mech to a sudden halt, switching on the targeting window used for precise sniping or targeting. He zoomed in on a suspicious object he saw moving between a few buildings. He only managed to get a small glimpse before it disappeared from his sight.
He had a good guess of what the thing he saw had been. The Atlas was definitely one of the biggest 'Mechs in the BattleTech Universe.
He knew that it could be a trap set up by Castle to lure them out in the open, but he also knew that he had to take the chance to get Punisher in an ambush from behind.
He slowly began to move his 'Mech forward in the direction of where he sighted a glimpse of a hulking, metallic robot. He noted that Sarah was also following him in her Hunchback, maybe feeling as scared as him.
"It's now or never," he muttered bitterly to himself.
He hoped he knew what he was doing.
Frank Castle smiled, knowing that the two morons had taken the bait. He had managed to find them a long time ago and had chosen not to open fire as they still had some cover they could hide behind.
He had positioned himself somewhere where one of them could get a glimpse of him moving, making them believe that he hadn't seen them and that they now had the opportunity to win the fight.
Then after moving a bit, he re-positioned his 'Mech, covering the most likely areas they would arrive from.
He never knew what hit him.
"Bombs away!" One of the co-pilots confirmed as they began dropping laser-guided bombs on top of the giant robot with the skull-like head.
Captain Andrew Joshua Talon smiled as the bombs targeted the hulking monstrosity and hit it dead on with all of them. It began to slightly stagger due to the impact of the detonating bombs. "Lock on with air-to-surface missiles, guys. We're taking that big, ugly hunk of junk down."
"Aye, aye, sir!" The crew in the three F/A-18Fs chorused.
"Okay, guys," Andrew addressed the pilots in the remaining F/A-18Es, "Now's the time to see if the old saying 'The bigger they are the harder they fall' is really true."
"Roger that, boss!" Nigel Thompson answered and then began humming a catchy Jazz tune that had been sung by Ella Fitzgerald while launching a missile at the gigantic Narusegawa.
"I think the black-haired one's the most dangerous, sir." Halim Zahedi informed him.
"By the looks of it I think you are right, Halim," Andrew answered. "What do you think she's screaming?"
"I think it was something sounding like 'Hiken Zankusen', sir."
"What does that mean?"
"I have no idea. I was just stationed at that hole in Okinawa along with you and didn't even bother learning Japanese phrases and such. Not that I have anything against anime and manga and such, but I prefer other stuff."
The US Navy consisted of many men and women of various people of various cultural and religious backgrounds that lived in the US and most of these men and women were glad that they weren't officers of superior rank since they would most likely tear out their hair by the roots out of sheer frustration when it came to handling the oddballs in the navy who cause any serious problems but irritated the heck out of everyone else now and then. Like Harold who liked to play Surfin' Bird every frickin' time they were flying, or singing it loud in the shower.
"Okay, guys. I'll draw the samurai chick's attention, and Nigel will take her right flank while you Halim blast her from behind."
"What about the brown-haired/auburn-haired one?"
"I don't think she's a serious danger since she can't blast us."
An old Honda automobile flew past his cockpit and crashed into an adjacent building…. Followed by several other cars and the occasional motorcycles.
"Um… I think this is the perfect time to panic." Andrew Joshua Talon simply said.
Frank Castle swore heavily.
The bombs had shook him up and made the Atlas stagger slightly for a few seconds.
He then responded by making the Atlas twist it's torso to the left and fired two PPC bolts and a Gauss Rifle slug at one of the F/A-18Fs. The pilot managed narrowly to avoid the powerful energy bolts, but unfortunately the giant hypersonic slug tore through the right wing of the plane.
"Holy BLEEP! We're bailing out!" the pilot exclaimed as he and his co-pilot ejected out of the now rapidly descending F/A-18F.
Punisher then switched to active sensors and rapidly placed his targeting cursor on one of the remaining planes. After a few seconds the targeting cursor turned red, confirming that he had locked on his target and then pushed the button which unleashed a salvo of LRMs (Long Range Missiles) at it.
The F/A-18F responded by taking an evasive manoeuvre and tried to evade the missiles by relying on low altitude and high speed. The pilot not being your archetypical ace pilot in every story you tend to read knew that he was better at gunning things down than flying and had mediocre enough flying skills to narrowly avoid crashing into a building.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing!" his co-pilot shouted while keeping an eye out for the missiles.
"No." the pilot simply said. "I'm panicking."
(We're doomed…) the co-pilot bitterly thought while wishing that they had been assigned to take out the giant women with tremendous tits.
The pilot knew that it was sheer stupidity to fly on maximum speed. True the speed was incredible, but in return the manoeuvrability would suffer from this. He needed a combination of good handling and speed to successfully survive. Twisting and turning through corners and buildings was what only an idiot watching too many movies did. He didn't try anything fancy or fantastic but simply banked to take cover behind anything that could be used as cover.
(Ouch!) he thought as several missiles hit buildings and other inanimate objects, hoping that he wouldn't be charged for property damage.
He made a quick turn to the left and decreased the throttle as the four remaining missiles streaked by the F/A-18F; he then re-positioned the plane and let loose a barrage on machine gun bullets and dumb-fired air-to-air missiles which tore through the missiles like a hot knife through butter.
"Am I good or what!" he triumphantly exclaimed, forgetting to look where he was flying…. and crashed into the ocean.
"Idiot." His co-pilot muttered sourly after they exited the plane and swam in the direction of the shore.
"NOW!" Keitaro cried out as he rapidly switched on the radio and went over to active sensors again.
The Hunchback and Raven unleashed each an alpha strike on the back of the monstrous Atlas. Several laser blasts, short range missiles and a powerful heavy autocannon blast tore at the metallic back of the giant, making it slightly shake and stagger as if hit by two well-placed PPC bolts.
(Lucky for us the US Navy decided to join the party.) Thought as he moved his Raven behind a building while his weapons recycled and the slight heat buildup decreased.
"Okay, Sarah - This is the plan: Hit and run tactics to wear him down before the coup de grace."
"Affirmative, Keitaro. Shall we split up and attack from two directions?"
"Fine with me, kiddo."
"Don't call me a kid, 'Ronin' !" Sarah roared while dodging Punisher's PPC blasts and Gauss Rifle slug, twisting the Hunchbacks torso in the direction of the Atlas while on the move and fired her lasers and the heavy autocannon simultaneously. The blast missed the centre torso and instead hit the right arm of the Atlas. She braced herself for slight impact as the three small lasers opened fire on her and hit the left shoulder of her Hunchback.
Keitaro positioned his Raven behind the moving Atlas and charged forward. When he was in range he fired his weapons on one of the legs of the Atlas. Keitaro swore as several of the missiles missed while the rest and the lasers hit the left leg of the giant 'Mech. He then turned his 'Mech to the right while twisting his torso to the left in the direction of its bigger adversary.
Unfortunately for him then Atlas hit him dead on with its PPCs and Gauss Rifle making him and his BattleMech slam violently to the ground as it was knocked down.
Weapon lost. A mechanical female-sounding voice said as one of the SRM launchers and two medium lasers were destroyed.
Keitaro turned pale as all the damage readings on his 'Mech were on red alert and most of his screens turned static.
"I hate my life…" he muttered to himself.
(Gotta keep him distracted!) was the thought ringing clearly through Sarah's head as she fired her powerful autocannon anew followed by two laser blasts and some SRMs. The blast of her LBX AC20 hit the centre torso of the Atlas while the laser bolts struck the head/cockpit together with the short range missiles.
"Over here, big and ugly! Come and get me!"
She knew that the life of her partner was at stake and that she was making a serious gamble of life and death when she attacked Punisher head on like a charging bull.
For all her courage and bravado she was rewarded with a powerful kick from the the giant 'Mech with the skull-like head which sent her Hunchback crashing into the wall of a building. Two PPC bolts followed, striking the left arm of her Hunchback and blowing it clean off.
"That's no way to treat a lady." She wheezed as she saw that the Atlas was locking on to her with everything it had.
She had lost one of her lasers when her arm blew off and from the looks of it Punisher wouldn't give her enough time to recover.
(If I go down - I'll go down fighting.) She gritted her teeth as she prepared herself for the final assault and targeted the Atlas with her remaining weapons.
As the Punisher was about to blast Sarah into hot metal shrapnel, she heard a distorted and static voice on her radio cry out: "Death From Above!"
And the Raven propelled several feet up in the air by its jump-jets landed on the head of the much bigger Atlas. The sheer force and weight of the attack made the Atlas topple to the ground as the Raven introduced the Atlas to its feet.
"Kiss gravel, you BLEEPING BLEEP of a BLEEPING BLEEP!"
The tiny 'Mech began then to jump up and down on the back of the Atlas like if it was on a giant trampoline.
"Thanks for the help, boss - now get out of my targeting sight!" Sarah thanked her mentor in her usual gruff manner and trained her scope on the Atlas and let loose a blast from her heavy autocannon as the Raven "jumped up" thanks to its jump-jets.
The blast struck home as it managed to blast a small hole in the back of the Atlas, causing smoke to erupt from this wound.
"Sarah, there's only one chance we have to bring big and ugly down," was the words coming from Keitaro.
"And that is?"
"We have to set our 'Mechs to self-destruct by making the reactors overload to critical mass and keep them as close as possible to Punisher's 'Mech."
Sarah seeing that this was no time to argue silently accepted this order and crashed her 'Mech into the bulk of the Atlas while simultaneously firing all her weapons in a final alpha strike and activated the self-destruct sequence.
The Raven landed on the back of the Atlas as well and Keitaro punched in the command to self-destruct.
"Time to eject, Sarah…." He muttered.
Two ejector pods were seconds later seen being launched high up into the air -
BOOM!
Followed by a huge explosion as the Hunchback and Raven exploded.
"Wohoo! Look at the fireworks!" Sarah shouted in pure joy. "Do you think the bastard is pushing up the daisies yet?"
"I seriously doubt it, Sarah. I saw his ejector pod crashing several miles out in the ocean."
"Darn it!" Sarah swore while punching the glass window of her pod hard. "I thought we had him!"
"You can't win them all." Keitaro's voice through the com-channel answered.
Sarah shrugged. "I guess you're right, Keitaro."
The two men (or should I say one man and a woman) in the remaining F/A-18F were blinking in astonishment.
"Is it just me or did someone do the work for us?" the pilot Beatrice Anderson asked her co-pilot George Schwarzwald.
"It seems that way." George replied casually. "I think we have to go back and help the captain, though. I think he and the guys still have their hands full with that girl with the big ol' sword."
"Where's the other one?"
"I think she was heading in the direction of the two pods after she tried to hit the captain and the others with a few cars."
"Japanese?" George asked.
"Of course the cars are Japanese, you idiot. We're in Japan for Christ's sake!" Beatrice roared out in total frustration.
"I was just kidding." George retorted while at the same time harbouring a little fear of Beatrice in his quivering voice.
Frank Castle swore heavily and loudly as he spat out salt water.
It would take a long time to reach shore.
And he thought he saw a fin heading in his direction.
The "poor" shark died gruesomely when Punisher was done with it using a large and sharp military combat knife.
The fic-writer is attacked savagely by animal lovers who beat him with sturdy sticks
"Whew!" Keitaro breathed out in relief as he exited his pod which had landed on a parking lot together with Sarah's. "I'm glad that's over with."
"NOT QUITE!" a feminine voice boomed out as a foot crashed down on the pod and a large hand gripped him roughly without any regards to his well-being.
"H-hello, Narusegawa."
"DON'T YOU 'HELLO NARUSEGAWA' ME, KEITARO URASHIMA! FIRST YOU BLOW UP TOUDAI; THEN YOU CAPTURE ME AND MOTOKO; AND NOW WE'RE FRICKIN' HUGE THANKS TO YOU!" She shrieked and began to squeeze Keitaro as hard as she could. As usual Naru's rage was stronger than her reason despite her high intelligence.
Keitaro screamed in inhuman agony as Naru's clenched hand began to crush the life out of him. He knew that he could only withstand such a punishment for a short time before her sheer strength would definitely overcome the protection from his invulnerability.
Naru grinned as she set out to perform the coup de grace and crush the spiteful insect in her hand.
"Let him go…." A familiar voice said with firm determination, holding back traces of rage and malice.
Naru looked down and saw Mutsumi Otohime staring daggers at her.
"YOU AND WHAT ARMY!" Naru spat out impulsively.
Needless to say - Mutsumi attacked.
Will Mutsumi manage to save our antagonist from the clutches of the giant Naru?
Will Hannibal and Leonard manage to outwit Shub-Kitsune and escape with their chastity intact?
Will Mecha-Cthulhu finally appear?
Will Captain Talon and his band of non-heroic misfits bring Motoko down like King Kong?
What will Dr. Doom do?
Will the author of this ridiculous trash finally die an agonizing death for his audacity to write this crap?
Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of Urashima Keitaro and THE ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT NARU AND MOTOKO.
Yeah I know I've changed my pen name to Chris Oddland now, but it didn't feel right to replace my old pen name in this chapter despite a lot of rewrites and corrections.
And by the way, the poll in the Let's-Torture-Keitaro-Pairing-Show is still going.
One reviewer requested that I should add Sarah MacDougal in the pairing charts. Okay, why not.
Feel free to choose your favourite candidate without any prejudice from the writer.
The Candidates are:
Naru: The obvious choice if you like the traditional Naru/Keitaro coupling.
Motoko: If you're a fan of the sword-wielding kendoist.
Kaolla Su: If you're an utter sadistic monster who wants to torture Keitaro repeatedly.
Shinobu: If you have soft spot for her despite her being underage.
Mutsumi: If you're one of the guys who want to have Keitaro ending up with someone a little saner than Naru and Motoko (and a lot calmer too).
Naomi: If you want a practical joker with a little common sense to end up with Keitaro.
Mariam: If you want to torture Keitaro utterly by pairing him up with this sarcastic cynic and pessimist who has a morbid sense of humour.
Shub-Kitsune: If you're an utter loon.
And finally… Sarah MacDougal if you're a sick, sick person.
I still have a neutral stance to the pairings.. and if somehow Sarah should win; I'd have to come up with a stupid idea on how to actually make it work.
