Madeline
Chapter Three - I'm Dying Inside
Matt
I was driving back to the house Lizzie and I had rented after she discovered the commute between here and her new job was less than forty miles. The idea of coming home was too good to pass up. We both really saw Hillridge as just that, home. It was where we had grown up through childhood and it was were most of our friends and memories were. We had both been in high school the year we had been jerked away by our parents to the hell hole named Oklahoma. We hadn't stayed a minute longer than we had too when I turned eighteen and graduated. Lizzie transferred into Washington State where I got excepted and we'd shared the extra weight of Madeline, going to classes and arranging our schedules so that one of us was always home with my niece. Now it had been my turn to transfer down to a smaller university near Hillridge when Lizzie got offered her job after graduating near the top of her major. At twenty one years old I had no regrets with the way my life had gone so far and I held nothing against Lizzie or Madeline, a fact that surprised most people I knew. Of course this was a pretty small list since being responsible for a child left little room outside of school, work and home, and therefore, little time to hang out and make friends.
"Matt, do you ever regret growing up so fast? I mean you didn't get to have the classic college experience. You never had the time to with helping raise Madeline." I rolled my eyes at my sister, the same response she got every time she asked me this question. I knew she only asked it when she was really bothered by something and I had a pretty good idea what that something could be at the moment. I ignored her spoken question and answered the hidden ones she was really asking me.
"I don't know if he wants you in his life as more than the friends you were for so many years, but I do know that Madeline already has a huge place in his heart. He fell in love with her, hard. The only other time I've ever seen Gordo smiling so much, you had just told him that you loved him." Lizzie was staring out the car window and never responded but I knew she had heard and that I had given her something to think about. I really hoped that everything would work out perfect, but I knew that life was not in the habit of doing that. Not without one hell of a fight and I wasn't sure Lizzie had the strength to fight two of those battles in one life time.
"I'm just tired of being alone. I'm tired of being a single parent. I'm just really tired of this, Matt. I really don't know if I would have ever made it this far without you, but I'm tired of falling asleep and waking up to a half empty bed and a half empty heart. I'm tired of not being complete." Her words were new, but not the feelings. I knew she had felt this way for a long time but she'd never found the words until tonight. A little sadness crept into my heart as I thought about how my life would entirely change if Lizzie and Gordo did end up picking up where they had left off. Madeline would have two parents and they would have each other. I would become simply Uncle Matt and I would be alone for the first time ever in my life. I had never lived in an apartment or house where I was not a major part of a family. Growing up I had been the brother, the son. Then with Madeline and Lizzie I had been the other half of the central core of our own little family of sorts.
"You know, Lizzie, I hope you never have to be alone again. I truly hope Gordo's feelings for you haven't changed and that you and Madeline can finally be completed with Gordo, the way it was always meant to be. I just hope I can find a family of my own once you three have yours." She looked sadly over at me as if just realizing the same thing for the first time as I had.
"Oh my God, Matt. I've never really thought about that aspect of all of this. I can't even imagine a life without you being in a major role of it. I had just always added in Gordo to the equation and kept everything else the way it is now, just with a little more time for you to be a twenty year old college kid and not a father to my child." I saw the beginning of tears and hated that I had upset her with this.
"Lizzie, don't cry. I didn't mean it to sound as depressing as it did. I know I'd be alright in the end, it's just getting to the end and living with the in between parts of life. Who knows, maybe the person that completes me is waiting here in Hillridge for me." I was relieved to see her smile before returning my attention to the road and driving. My last words echoed in my head along with a growing hope in my heart that someone was waiting for me and that she hadn't given up hope and moved on.
Flashback
"Matt, I can tell something is really wrong. You haven't said a single word to me since we've been laying here. I know you aren't that fascinated with the constellations." I turned to face the beautiful girl beside me, the one person I had ever developed deep feelings for and tried to find the words as my heart was breaking. I knew this would hurt her, bad, but there was no way around it. Me and Lizzie had sworn to each other that we'd tell them both tonight, our last night.
"Miranda, this is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to say in my life." I watched the apprehension swarm into her eyes as she looked deeply into mine, waiting to have her world destroyed along with mine. "I know we've only been dating since the end of last school year, but in the last six months I've fallen in love with you. I've never known the feelings you give me and I will never find them with anyone else, I know that already in my heart, but that only makes this that much harder to tell you." I took a few shaky breathes and fought back the tears before finding the courage to tell her. "My dad got transferred to Oklahoma and we have to move there, tomorrow."
My heart tore into pieces as I watched hers shattering right before me and I couldn't do anything to help her. "Why?"
Her question asked a lot of things that I could not answer and really had no idea of myself. Most of me knew the only reason we were going was my parents had some stupid notion that they could somehow save themselves from their shitty marriage just by getting 'a new start'. As if all the answers to their problems lay in Oklahoma and not in the fact that they tried to play the blissful couple all the time while they were simply ignoring that they had problems. "I don't know. I really just don't know. But I've been assured they do have phones and internet there so we can stay in touch. I'll email you everyday, I promise."
end flashback
I remember thinking how I really thought that would happen, how I really saw the two of us surviving on nothing more than written words on a computer screen, that we wouldn't get wrapped up in our own lives and forget a day or two to write until a day or two became months until one of us found the courage to say what we both were feeling.
yet again
Matt,
Writing this is hard, I tried calling you to say this over the phone but I chickened out. We both know this isn't any kind of a relationship and that we need to move on. Maybe someday we'll be together again, like in the same town and a part of each others lives, but more than likely your parents destroyed our chance at true love to try and pretend they had it too. I hope this isn't goodbye forever.
Miranda
end flashback
The words were forever imprinted on my brain. I had printed out that e mail and read it over and over until I could recite it word for word. I still carried the folded, worn paper in my wallet, the only thing I had of her.
"Earth to Matt, hey bro! We're home you can turn off the car and come inside now." I was a little surprised to see that we were sitting in the drive way of our new home and tried to recall actually driving to here and wondered how we hadn't crashed into something along the way or that I had actually made it to a specific destination.
"Yeah, sorry. Guess I just drifted off there for a sec." I climbed out of the car and took the sleeping form of Madeline from my sister as we walked to the door so she could unlock the door and let us in. "You know, there is one thing I regret now."
Lizzie looked puzzled at me until she remembered her earlier question. "That took you long enough to come up with, spill." I laid Madeline down on her newly assembled bed and began undressing her while Lizzie grabbed an old t shirt of mine that Madeline loved to sleep in from a nearby open box labeled, Madeline's sleep shirts. After we had her changed and under her favorite blanket with the night light in the corner switched on we walked back out to what would eventually be a living room.
"I regret not telling Miranda all about Madeline. I mean we drifted apart mostly by the end of that school year and she sent me that last email four days after Mads was born, but I should have written her back at least." I dropped into a fold out chair and started aimlessly going through an open box in front of me.
"Yeah, me too. She was my best friend. I really have no idea why I just cut everything off with her and Gordo after we moved. I let myself believe that after I wasn't dealing with school, the pregnancy, and our parents disappointment in me at the same time that it'd be easier. Of course having a baby is a lot more time consuming than carrying one." Lizzie began sorting through a few boxes herself, sitting in the only other chair in the house. We hadn't had any furniture other than Madeline's bed and a few dressers that hadn't come with our apartment in Washington and we hadn't had a chance to actually buy any yet, so the house was pretty bare other than the numerous boxes holding most of our life's possessions littered through out the house and various rooms.
"It was good to find out that neither her or Gordo are dating anyone else at the moment though. Do you think she'd give me another try, now that I'm here to stay?" I asked my sister the question with a smile but knew she could see right through any joking pretense to the fact that I was really hoping the answer would be yes.
"I hope so Matt, I really do. I know how much you two were in love before and I know that you still feel the same. I hope she does too, but look at what happened between mom and dad. If they can drift apart, I don't think there's much hope for anyone."
"Never compare what we have to our parents Lizzie. Not you and I, not you and Gordo, and not Miranda and me." I watched my sister flinch at the tone of my words. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to jump on you. Just never judge the ability of love on those two, okay." I knew that Lizzie had a much less bitter view of our parents than I did, but I really had trouble loving them beyond the required amount a son has for the two people that gave him life.
"You're still angry at them for everything aren't you?" She knew the answer, we'd had this conversation just before moving when mom had called to tell us to drive safely and to call when we got into town.
"I always will, Lizzie. They destroyed our lives and put us through that bullshit just to end up divorcing each other the minute you and I are out of the house? How can I ever not hold them in contempt. I really hate them for everything they put you through over the pregnancy and when you decided to keep her. I'll never forgive dad screaming that you had made the biggest mistake of your life and that you were on your own. Never." My gaze was penetrating her eyes as she stared back into mine.
"Matt, I've let it go. Why can't you?" She sighed and looked away blinking away tears before they could fall. "They've really tried these last few years to make up for everything, even dad. You can't stay mad at them forever."
"I can try." We settled into a very uncomfortable silence before Lizzie grabbed a blanket from a box and headed to what had been designated her room.
"Goodnight, Matt. I love you."
"I love you to, sis." I waited until she disappeared from view and added under my breath, "If I can somehow fix everything with Miranda, then I'll try to forgive them, I'll try."
A/N - I'm rereading through these chapters as I post them, catching mistakes here and there. I'm a little suprised at how easily I'm getting back into this story, also I'm a little dissapointed in myself at how quick everything is happening and how short the chapters are. Oh well, everyone has to begin somewhere I guess. Please let me know what you think so far if you have just stumbled upon this story for the first time, and if you read before, please take a sec to let me know you found me again. THank you for reading again, or for the first time.
