Madeline
Chapter Fifteen - Cause You Know
Matt
I sat on the couch beside Miranda holding my guitar and really doubting for the second time in one day that something was a good idea. But it worked out great the last time, so I took a steadying breathe and warned everyone in the room. "Well, here goes nothing." It felt good to feel the resistance from the strings against my pick again, Lizzie had been right, I hadn't played since we'd moved and now I was wondering exactly why. Hearing the familiar chords of the song I knew so well echoing around the room lulled me into a separate world where only the song and I existed, a world I had avoided for far too long. When the time came for the words, I nearly missed my queue I was so wrapped up in the chords. My throat seemed to resist the first few lines as I worked it around the words that had taken so much pain to write, but eventually reverted to the comfortable strain of singing.
I only spoke to you that way
To get it through your haggard brain
That I could be so much more
I could be someone that someone would adore
Seems like a long time since I felt good
Good enough to not want to cry
Do you know better now?
Well so do I
I let the words drift off as the music bridged the chorus back to the verse. I wasn't used to not having the drums or the lead guitar helping to fill in the void between words, but found the simple chords being played on the acoustic almost soothing, a contrast to the words and the emotions connected with them.
I feel so sick inside I know it's wrong
But I just can't bite my lip and go along
As the last word and chord rang out I slowly opened my eyes, surprised to find them closed and even more surprised to see Miranda staring deeply back into me eyes with unshed tears in her own.
"Wow, I can see why John called me tonight and didn't wait for me to call him on Monday. Damn."
"Gordo! Watch your mouth." Lizzie's hands were covering Madeline's ears. "But, that's what I said the first time he played it for me the first month we were on our own, after he'd left with me."
I looked at my shoes, I've never really been good with hearing comments about my music, good or bad. My head was turned to look again into the soft, tear stained face of Miranda by her trembling hand on my chin. "Why haven't you told me how much you still hold against them?"
It wasn't the question I had been expecting, but then that was why I loved her so much- she never did the expected. I thought about how to answer her question the best and most truthfully and eventually just shrugged my shoulders and sighed. "I forget sometimes how much I really hate them for everything they did to Lizzie and me. I can almost pretend that I don't sometimes, but it never lasts long. When dad actually tried to follow through with his numerous threats and told Lizzie there was no place in his house for a. . ."
"Matt, wait. I'm going to take Madeline to bed. She doesn't need to hear this, and I don't mind not reliving it." Lizzie stood and left the room with a sleepy looking five year old cradled in her arms. I waited until I heard a door gently shut and then continued.
"Well, what he said exactly isn't important. After he'd said the words, I just punched him and returned all the shit he'd been screaming at the two of us with a few kicks and screams before throwing as much of our stuff into Lizzie's car as I could and leaving them behind. I promised them that they would never have to worry about Lizzie or Madeline again and that I'd never forgive them, and I haven't."
I let Miranda take me into a fierce hug, my head going to her shoulder to hide the few tears that were escaping. I'd gotten good over the last few years with keeping my emotions hidden from everyone except Lizzie, but Miranda had a way of pulling everything out of me, no matter how buried or suppressed.
"It's all so crazy. I still can't picture the Sam and Jo we knew back then ever screaming, let alone calling Lizzie names." Gordo was staring at his hands, his voice throaty and barely above a whisper. "All I can say is you should have done more than kick the bastard a few times."
I pulled away slowly from Miranda, leaving some tears to cool her skin through my t shirt. She looked a lot better in it than I did. "Matt, I know this is all hard to talk about, really I do, I just wish you had. But, in all fairness you haven't been around very long to tell me all that's happened in the last six years. I just can't help but wish you had let me know back then so I could have done something to help."
"Yeah, me too." Gordo agreed, looking up from his hands at me.
Lizzie returned to the room looking as tired as Madeline had. "So, have you shared the wonderful tale with them?"
"The basics. I hated living through the details, so I doubt anyone would want to know them."
"You guys have been through a lot. I guess we all have really, but you two had a lot more to fight through. I'm just glad you made it home." Gordo said the last as Lizzie sat down in his lap and kissed him softly on the cheek.
"I am too. We both are." She agreed with the boy beneath her in the chair.
"I don't know about you all, but I could use a break from all the drama that has been my past. Anyone have more good news from today? We already know mine." I offered up the subject change and felt the mood lighten immediately in the room.
"Well, I landed a big account today." We all said our congratulations to Miranda. "Oh, and I saw this really cute guy at lunch. . ." I smiled at her and played along.
"Oh yeah? And just what was so cute about him?"
"I think he was in a band, and I'm sure Lizzie remembers what that does to me. . ." My sister laughed as she nodded her head. Before I could say anything else though she continued. "But then you guys showed up and chased him off before I could get his number or even talk to him."
My mouth fell slightly opened as she caught me off guard again. She reached over and shut it with a tap on the chin and a mischievous smile. "Well played Sanchez, but don't forget I know two very important things." She looked at me squinting her eyes in challenge. "I know where you live and where you are the most ticklish." I pretended to reach for her sides causing her to scream and jump up from the couch, lose her balance and end up on the floor. Once she started laughing and I knew she was okay, I joined the three best friends in their laughter.
After a few minutes of contented silence had passed Lizzie and Gordo shared a look before turning their attention to me and Miranda. "Me and Gordo have some good news too. . ."
Credit for the song goes to Aaron Sprinkle for "Sick Inside"
