Goodbye Earl-Dixie Chicks

Mary Lou and Stephanie had know each other all their lives. After they graduated, Mary Lou got married to Lenny, who was a nice husband who helped with the kids and was never once suspected of cheating on Mary Lou.

But Stephaine got the raw end of life. Her first marrige was ended after she caught her husband boinking Joyce Brandheart on their new kitchen table. She lost her job not long after, and finally found another job. Sweeping up fugitives for her kinky cousin Vinnie.

But Stephanie had made the biggest mistake of her life. She had married Joe Morelli, Trenton's hottest cop. Women were always following him, checking out his fine ass where ever they went. Joe always had late survalence jobs, and early morning meetings. If Steph caught him on a bad day at work, she'd have bruises to show for it later.

Ranger had just dissapeard after her wedding. Steph had gotten ahold of the guys once or twice, and they didn't know where he had gone to. No one knew.

But tonight was bad. Joe had just walked through the door, drunk off of his own two feet. Stephanie knew her fate tonight. And she would need help.

"What are you doing, calling at 2 a.m.?" Mary Lou answered angrily.

"It's Steph. Joe's home." Tears fell down Stephanie's face.

"Hold on, I'll be right there." Mary Lou sounded worried.

Stephaine locked herself in the bathroom, and she heard Joe climb up the stairs. He banged on the door and yelled out a string of curse words, all to slurred to understand.

Mary Lou pulled up a few minutes later, just as Joe found the key to the door. Stephanie climbed out the window and walked on to the shingled roof of the kitchen. The shingles were slippery and Steph struggled to make it over to the garbage can. With Mary Lou standing in horror, Stephanie made it and Mary Lou put the Van into drive before Stephanie had shut the door.

"There are things you can do about this." Mary Lou warned.

Stephanie nodded slowly and whiped her nose with the sleeve of her shirt. "I'll call Dickie in the morning."

Mary Lou let Stephanie stay on her couch that night, and made her call Dickie before she let her shower. Stephanie arranged to meet him at Pino's for lunch.

Stephanie borrowed Lenny's truck and went back to Joe's house. With her gun in her hand, she let herself in. Joe had passed out in the hallway outside the bathroom. Stephanie stepped over him, got her belongings and left.

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"So, what problem is it now?" Dickie asked, folding his hands and sliding them halfway across the table.

"I need to divorce him." Stephanie said, looking at Dickie's ring barren fingers.

"Hon, you're track record not to great, is it? Catch him bare assed too?" He smiled.

"No," She rolled up the sleeve of her long sleeved shirt to reveal a trail of dark bruises left from three nights ago, when Joe had not sobered up before he came home. "I been having some problems."

Dickie's smile faded. "Please tell me an FTA did that?"

Ste aside from the awefull divorce, Dickie still had a high reguard for Stephanie. Steph just shook her head. Dickie pulled some papers out of a brief case and explained them to her. It was breif, since she had seen them once before. "Can I get a restraining order too?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah. I was about to suggest that." Dickie took one more look at Stephanie's arm and grimaced.

Stephanie signed the papers and Dickie agreed to hand them to Joe so that she wouldn't have to mess with him. With a smile and a quick hug, they both left to go to their jobs.

Stephanie swung around to Tasty Pastry and grabbed the usual, a 12-count box of jelly filled doughnuts for the girls at the office. She made an illegal turn and nearly hit the black Beemer that was parked out front. Ranger was back.

Panic struck Steph. She pulled the visor down and looked at herself in the mirror. There was a bruise still around her eye, from Joe's bad day at work last week, and a scar from dinner a week before that. She was in no position to explain things to Ranger.

She looked at the box of doughnuts. Lula and Connie would have a fit if she didn't go in, and by now they'd have seen her. Besides, Steph didn't need 12 whole doughnuts. With a deep breath, she picked up the box and headed inside.

"He's back!" Connie screached when Stephanie walked through the doors.

Lula pointed to Vinnie's office. Stephanie quietly asked if there were any FTA's and set the box on the desk. "Girl, your eye's looking better." Lula commented and picked up a lemon jelly doughnut.

Stephanie began to explain her lunch with Dickie. She was about to get to the part where the restraining order came in when Vinnie's office door was pulled open and Ranger stepped out. He smiled to Connie and Lula, and when his eye's settled on Steph, he was already asking questions. He took a few steps closer and picked up a doughnut. "Something you'd like to tell me Babe?"

She took a deep breath and followed him outside. If she didn't tell him, he'd just send Tank on a never ending search on my medical history from the time he dissapeared. And her history wasn't top notch. He pulled her into the alleyway and backed her against the wall. He ran his thumb lightly over the bruises and scar. "Morelli?"

Stephanie fell apart. She began to sob and she felt her knees give away. Ranger grabbed her arms and held her up. He had run off bacause he knew Steph was probably making a mistake. Joe didn't want to move heaven and earth for her. But against his better judgement, he didn't argue and ran away. He didn't think Steph's mistake would be this bad.

He walked her over to her car and sat with her until she stopped crying. "I should have been here." Ranger said after a long silence.

"There wouldn't have been anything you could have done, other than to kill him. I don't want to kill him, I just want him as far away from me as humanly possible." Steph had explained the divorce, and the restraining order.

Ranger smiled and left her car and walked over to his. "If you ever need me, call."

She knew that had always been the case. From day one(well, I guess it was day 3 or 4) when she had been handcuffed to her shower rod, Ranger broke into her apartment and let her free. It was embarassing, but he never told the guys or anyone. He joked about it once, after she had moved on to bigger, more embarassing things.

She pulled out of the lot, and her phone rang. The read out said Joe, and she picked it up. "Hel..hello?"

"Morning Cupcake." Joe's voice was cheery.

"Mornin'." Steph said trying to match the same enthusiasm.

"Bad day?" Joe asked.

"Rather not talk about it." Steph said.

"What's wrong cupcake?" Joe asked.

Stephanie turned the radio on and twisted the know untill she heard static. "What? Joe? You're breaking up. Tell you what...I'll meet you for Pinos at six, k?"

"Cupcake..." And Stephanie disconected. She didn't plan to go to Pino's at six. She had better things to do.

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(Two weeks later)

Steph let out a sigh of relief. For the fourth night in a row, she could go to sleep easy, knowing that Joe wouldn't be there to beat on her anymore. She was asleep in her old appartment. Origianlly she had sold it, but the owner was out of town on buisness and said she felt sorry for Steph and Steph could stay a few nights.

Stephanie heard the lock tumble. She was used to this. But now she was frightened. Ranger wouldn't break into her apartment if it wasn't her apartment anymore. Common courtesy. Stephanie got up to check the door, just to make sure.

Standing in the doorway was a overly drunk Joe. Stephanie's first instinct was to run. She threw things behind her to stop Joe, who was doing a lovely time staying up on his own two feet. Stephanie looked at the parking lot. Joe's truck was parked in the very middle. No one else was in it. Joe had driven himself.

Stephanie crossed her bedroom and hurkd on the window. The window lead out onto the fire escape. But the window wouldn't budge. Frantically, Stephanie grabbed her cell phone off the side tabe and dialed the only number she could remember.

"Babe?" Ranger sounded like he had been dragged awake.

"Help." Stephanie screamed as Joe came into the room, weilding a kitchen knife.

Stephanie dropped the phone, and then hit her knees trying to find it. Joe stumbled over the sheets Stephanie had thrown at him. Stephanie began to scream, hoping she was loud enough and Ranger would hear her.

Joe tripped one final time over the edge of the bed, the knife stabbed Stephanie in the knee and was drug down the side of her leg. Joe pushed himself off the ground and grabbed Stephanie around the ankle as she tried to get away. Her chin hit the floor and her world went dark.

Ranger arrived only a few short minutes after she had called. He already knew who it was when he picked up, and he heard her scream, he heard her beg. He'd never heard her beg like that, beg for her life. He practically flew to the apartment. The door was wide open. Drawing his gun, he went inside. He moved from the living room to the kitchen, and stopped in the bedroom. Stephanie layed in a puddle of her own blood, and a trail ran from the corner of her mouth. Ranger bent over and checked for a pulse. He thought he was too late.

"Ric..." Stephanie struggled to talk, but she did.

"God, Babe." Ranger was on his knees next to Stephanie, holding her head in his hands.

He gently lifted her off the ground and cradled her in his arms for a quick second before he loaded her into his truck. She had passed out on the way down the stairs. He tore out of the lot and in ten minutes flat, he was in the hospital parking lot.

Stephanie was in the ICU for a litte under a week. Dickie swung by one afternoon, and talked to Stephanie in private. Ranger didn't like it, but Dickie had only broken Stephanie's heart, not half the bones in her jaw. Mary Lou offered to take Stephanie home, and Ranger didn't complain. "It's for the best." He told himself.

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"He's gone too far." Mary Lou exclaimed.

"I thought that the restraining order would work." Stephanie said and downed the last of her pills.

"What are you going to do?" Mary Lou asked and took the glass of water out of Steph's shaking hand.

"What can I do...I have to kill him." Stephanie told her.

"You can't just go killing people. Especailly cops like Joe." Mary Lou's voice was high and squeaky.

"What do I have to loose?" Stephanie said impatiently and pulled her gun out of the back of her pants.

She kept it on her now, at all times. With no Ranger around for so long to protect her, she had to. And Joe, he was the biggest threat. Only because Stephanie probably wouldn't be able to bring herself to shoot him.

So the plan was arranged. Everything was sat in place, now all they needed was Joe.

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"I'mm ccccolllddd." Stephanie rubbed her arms up and down her arms to warm herself up and looked at the frozen lake.

"Don't whine to me. You have a husband to kill, and then you can get all warm and cozy in the van" Mary Lou said in a hoarse whisper and shoved Stephanie back out into the clearing.

Stephanie couldn't believe she was doing this. She felt dirty, holding the wicker basket. A basket filled with everything you'd need to kill. A tubberware container filled with black eyes peas, mixed in a solution of dish soap and lighter fluid.

Underneath it was a bright blue tarp.

The plan was to poison Joe, and once he was dead, to wrap him in the tarp and sink him to the frozen depths of the small lake. Stephanie honestly didn't believe they could pull it off. Joe was too good of a cop. She was about to stop him when he brought a spoon full of peas to his mouth, but didn't. Her jaw still hurt, because of him. She was getting to know the ICU nurses on a first name basis.

"These are great Cupcake. What'd you do?" Joe asked after his third bite.

Stephanie gave a weak smile. "Trade Secret."

She finished her sandwich, which was entirely safe. Joe soon complained of a stomach ache. "If you hadn't have eaten so much, your stomach wouldn't hurt." Stephanie assured him and told him to rest in the truck for a minute or two.

Joe finally died, three minutes past four. Mary Lou dragged herself out of the bushes and admired her handywork. Stephanie swore she'd done this before. Stephanie let out a high pitched squeak as Mary Lou began to wrap Joe's dead body in the tarp.

"It's ok. He's gone now. The monster's gone." Mary Lou assured Stephanie and took a hold of Joe's cold ankles. "A litte help here?"

Stephanie crawled in the truck on the side opposite Joe and pushed on his shoulders until his body fell to the ground. Mary Lou was right, he was gone. With some effort, they pitched Joe into the lake. Stephanie watched him sink to the bottom with a smile on her face. She had just killed, yes, but she had rid the world of a menace.

The lake was so cold, that no one would find his body until it got warmer. And Joe's body would be nothing but bones.

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Once she got settled back in Trenton, everything was fine. Eddie Gazarra came over with Dickie once to get the whole story on the restraining order violation. Mary Lou stayed over for long hours at a time, watching Tv and drinking a few beers and then going home. She'd be over the next morning at noon.

It was only until Mary Lou left that Ranger felt it was safe to adventure into Stephanie's new apartment. The owner of her other one came back, and Stephanie still didn't trust Joe's place. Too much had happened there.

Ranger broke in, like usual. She had a brand new set of locks put on her door. Much better than the old ones. But Ranger was acustomed to the easy enterance. Stephanie was sitting up in her bed when Ranger knocked on her door. With the new apartment, she had a great view of Trenton from her bed, staring out a big window. She didn't notice Ranger when he came in until he knocked.

"Babe, you want to talk?" Ranger took a seat on the foot of the bed.

"You know?" Stephanie stirred.

"Well, Joe's missing, that was a start. And two, he harassed you, which is more than enough reason to whack him. Thirdly, Mary Lou called me the night you came back into town and explained everything." Ranger folded his hands and put them in his lap.

"I feel like a serial killer now. Like I'm on the run." Stephanie scooted to the headboard.

Ranger followed her. "If you wouldn't have killed him, I would have. Trust me, it was the best way to go."

Stephanie did trust Ranger. In alot of ways. And even though she had just murdered her husband, Ranger still loved her as much as he did before she married Joe. Stephanie had just realized that, and leaned on Ranger's shoulder until she fell asleep.

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Stephanie woke up, sitting up in bed like she had fallen asleep. Ranger was gone, no doubt. Beside her, where he had been, was a stack of pillows to prop her up, and a short note.

You want to talk, I'll be a call away. Left breakfast for you, check the microwave.

The note wasn't signed or anything. Stephanie just knew it was Ranger without a doubt. She grimiced as she read the last sentence again. Breakfast? Ranger's idea of breakfast was tree bark covered in bugs. Stephanie got out of bed and ambled over to her new microwave. She closed her eyes and stabbed the button and the door swung open.

There was a piece of toast, and two eggs. To Stephanie's amazement, four pieces of sausage accompanied the eggs. Stephanie hastially closed the microwave and began to heat it up. She took a quick shower and dressed before returning to her breakfast. She looked around the kitchen. She swore that Ranger had made it for her at his own home and brought it. Her kitchen was spotless. Even the dust around the pans he used was undisturbed.

Stephanie munched on her toast and gnawed on the egg. She was finally ready to move on to the sausage when the phone rang. Who ever was calling her this early in the morning could wait. Stephanie let the answering maching pick it up.

"Stephanie, it's Mary Lou. Pick up the damn phone." Mary Lou sounded distressed.

"What?" Stephanie crossed the kitchen and snatched the phone off the wall.

"Trouble, big trouble." Mary Lou heaved.

"Trouble? What happened Mary Lou?" Stephanie was frantic now too.

"There's a search party out for Joe! They're going to search every lake from here to Texas! They'll find him and lock us up!" Mary Lou was whispering, and Stephanie assumed her children were in the room with her.

"Relax. Vinnie's a bondsman. And Ric's got a good lawyer." And Stephanie jammed the off button and disconnected.

She returned to her toast happily. Something, perhaps the way she woke up this morning, assured her that everything was fine now. No more worries. She washed her dishes and headed to the bathroom for a few final touches.

She pulled her hair up, and glanced at her ring for a second. She hadn't taken it off, not even after the divorce. And she didn't want to now.

She dropped her hair, and for once, didn't really care.

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Ranger was at the bonds office when Stephanie pulled up. He was sitting in the chair adjacent from Connie, who was scribbling the check for a very high FTA bond Ranger had probably just captured. He looked at Stephanie for a second, nodded, and left. Stephanie turned to follow him.

"Thanks for breakfast. How'd you do that?" She called to his back.

He turned around. "I do alot of things, you need to be more specific."

"Nothing was out of place, to the very smallest speck of dust." Stephanie shoved her hands in her pockets.

"Trade Secret." He kissed her lightly on the forehead and then unlocked his truck with the remote.

Stephanie lifted her left hand out of her pocket. She examined the ring for a second. Silently, she decided that it ment nothing to her. Ranger rolled down the passenger side window. "Problem's Babe?"

"Yeah." Stephanie pulled the ring off her finger and threw it into oncomming traffic. "That was one of them."

Ranger smiled. "Got any others I can help you with?"

"Actually yeah, I do." Stephanie jogged into the office, grabbed the stack of folders in the 'Plum' bin on Connie's desk and jogged back out.

She ripped the passenger door open and tossed the files into the empty middle seat before climbing in herself. "I don't know if I'm up to catching all these bad guys myself. You know, I just lost my husband."

"I can see that you're so devastated. Tell you what, since I'm such a nice guy, I'll make you a deal."

"Ut-oh." Stephanie groaned. The last deal they made envolved some quality time after dark.

"Ut-oh is right Babe." Ranger turned to her and flicked his finger off her nose. Stephanie scrunched her face up. "I can't think of anything bad enough to get me out of this that won't leave you emotionally scarred to life."

Stephanie sat back in her chair wearing a huge grin. Ranger grabbed the top file while stopped at a red light. "I know him." He said and made a u-turn and headed the opposite direction.

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5 skips were collected, in total. That was the most Stephanie had ever turned in on one go. She had more than enough money to pay the rent, so she made a stop to the Quaker Bridge mall before going home.

She hit Macy's first, and fell inlove with a cute pair of shoes. They were baby pink with darker pink and purple hearts on the sides. Stephanie realized quickly after falling in love with them that she didn't have anything to match, and god forbid you owned a pair of shoes that didn't match.

After nearly an hour trying on different outfits, she settled on a swirly rose colored skirt and a streachy pink top. She breezed past the make up counter, and spotted a pink lipstick to match. Stephanie had never been the one for pink, but somethings you couldn't pass up.

The outfit was perfect for just about anything. A dinner date with Mary Lou, or an actual date with a man. Only, she believed she needed sexier underwear. Nothing was better for a woman's self-esteem than a really sexy pair of underwear.

Easily, Stephanie spent most of her earnings on her outfit. Victoria's Secret was the pink thong capital of Trenton. And if you were looking for underwear made up of dental floss, you would have found it there too.

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Joe's search party gave up after a bitter week. The men all had colds and hope deminished. Joe was a missing person that nobody seemed to miss at all. Rumor going around the Burg was that he had violated his restraining order and then ran off before anyone could catch him.

Stephanie wore her pink outfit to the memorial service. She was cold and colorful, but she felt good. She couldn't manage to cry though. With the help or Mary Lou, the bruises were hidden with heavy make up. Half the Trenton police force showed up, each one as sullen as the next.

Stephanie turned to leave. She'd had enough. Too many tears. She headed for the parking lot, and noticed a figure in her passenger seat. She shook her head, and moved on.

"What brings you here?" She asked.

"Since you're so distraut over you're husband, I thought I'd swing by and see how you're doing." Ranger humor.

"Nice to know you care."

"I have, do and always will." Ranger nodded and exited the car.

Stephanie watched him amble over to his own truck through the fog on the window. She started the car and headed home.

Her hands were shaking when she got to her door. Her shoes were soggy with melted snow. Stephanie's first decision was to take a long, hot shower. She turned the water on and stuck her arm in until the spray was warm enough to stand. She steped in, and her world melted away.

No more Joe. No one cares to find him. No one, but Ranger and Mary Lou, knows she did it. In the middle of shampooing her hair, Stephanie saw a figure cross the bathroom. Dear God! RANGER!

"I do believe we had a deal." Ranger reached in and turned the water off.

"Ut-oh!" Stephanie yelped and tried to climb the tile wall.

"Ut-oh is right Babe." And with that, Stephanie was carried to her room, naked with suds in her hair.

THE END!

Real Lyrics

Mary Ann and Wanda were the best of friends

All through their high school days

Both members of the 4-H club, both active in the FFA(Future Farmers of America)

After graduation, Mary Ann went out, looking for a bright new world.

Wanda looked all around this town, and all she found was Earl.

Well it wasn't two week's after she got married that Wanda started gettin' abused.

She put in dark glasses, long sleeved blouses and make up to cover her bruise

She finnaly got the nerve to file for divorce

She let the law take it from there

But Earl walked right through that restraining order and put her in intensive care.

Right away Mary Ann, who went from Atlanta, caught a red-eye midnight filght

She held Wanda's hand as they worked out a plan, and it didn't take them long to decide...

THAT EARL HAD TO DIE!

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

Good-bye Earl

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

Those black eyes peas, they tasted alright to meee, Earl

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

You feeling weak, why dont you lay down and sleep, Earl

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

Aint it dark, wraped up in that tarp, Earl

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

The cops came by to bring Earl in, they searched the house high and low.

And they tipped their hats and said thank you ladies, if you hear from him, let us know

Well the weeks went by and Spring turned to Summer and Summer faded into Fall

And it turns out he was a missing person that nobody missed at all

So the girls bought some land and a road-side stand down Highway 109

They sell Tennessee Ham and Strawberry Jam and they don't loose any sleep at night,

CUZ EARL HAD TO DIE!

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

Good-bye Earl

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

We need a break, lets go out to the lake, Earl.

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

We'll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl.

(na na na na naaaaaaa)

Well is that alright? Good lets got for a ride Earl.

Prev Reviews

Lour - I don't think Steph would really kill Joe, but I liked it anyway.

ZoeyKitty- evil laugh. hehehe! that was great! lol! hehe!