A/N: Definite, definite OoC. But that's what makes it funny. I hope. Thank you so much to all you guys who reviewed – you're the reason I kept writing.
Disclaimer: If you think I own Sailor Moon, then it's time for you to check into a mental institution.
Are You Sure They're Not Drunk?
"So basically," began Sailor Mercury, capping her pen and tapping it on the legal pad she had procured from somewhere. "Your nighttime sojourns as Tuxedo Mask all began after some girl hit you in the head with a shoe?"
Tuxedo Mask nodded, gulping down a fortifying draught of hot coffee. "It was extremely traumatic."
"I can imagine," replied Sailor Mercury. She opened her mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by an ear-splitting shriek.
"WHAT? WHAT'S THIS? MERCURY WITH MY MAN!"
Tuxedo Mask spun, and Mercury quivered, shrinking back into her seat.
"Sailor Moon – it's not what it looks like – " she stammered.
"Not what it looks like?" Sailor Moon loomed over Sailor Mercury, the thawing ice from her ponytails dripping down onto the bluenette's pale face. The bluenette blinked rapidly. "It looks like you're trying to hit on MY man. Are you telling me that's not what you were doing?"
"Who's making all that racket?" snarled Sailor Mars, stumbling over to the booth. She elbowed Tuxedo Mask over in the seat, wringing out her sopping hair and making huge puddles on the tile before sliding in beside him. "God, I feel like I've got a hangover. Mina better not have spiked my tea again… Hey!" She snapped her fingers, glaring around. "Can't a girl get some service around here?"
"Oh – of course, of course!" Andrew scurried over hastily, smoothing his apron. "What's your order, Ma'am?"
"Call me ma'am again, and I'll fry those freckles right off your face," Mars growled. "Do I look like a ma'am to you? Do I?"
"Uh – no, of course, not, ma'am – I mean, miss! Miss!" Andrew exclaimed frantically. God, where's Darien when you need him? Some best friend he is, running off and leaving me alone with a bunch of psycho Senshi!
"Shut up and gimme a cup of tea – no sugar, or I'll decapitate you with your apron strings."
"YES, MA'AM!" shouted the terrified Andrew and bolted off.
"I'M NOT A MA'AM!" Mars bellowed, then shook her head disgustedly. "Ugh. Kids these days." She narrowed her eyes at Moon, Mercury, and Tuxedo Mask, who were staring at her with some trepidation. "Are you two finished arguing over Cape Boy yet?"
"NO – " began Sailor Moon heatedly, but Mars cut her off.
"Alright then, here's a nice, peaceful way to settle this."
"What?' asked Sailor Moon suspiciously.
Mars shrugged. "Have a mud-wrestling match. Winner takes Cape Boy."
"What?" exclaimed Mercury. "I don't even WANT him! And I refuse to participate in such an immature – "
"You don't…want me, Mercury?" Tuxedo Mask sniffled, his lower lip trembling.
"Oh, there, there, muffin," soothed Sailor Moon, patting his top hat consolingly. "I'm willing to fight for you." She shot a glare at Mercury, then looked at Mars dubiously. "Are you SURE mud wrestling will work?"
"They do it on TV all the time," replied Mars matter-of-factly.
"Oh!" Sailor Moon brightened. "Well, if they do it on TV, then it MUST be right. Get ready to eat mud, Mercury!"
"But I don't WANT Tuxedo Mask!" Mercury wailed, darting under Sailor Moon's legs and towards Lita, who was just returning to consciousness beneath the table. "Lita! Save me! Sailor Moon wants to force-feed me mud!"
"What! Huh?" Lita bolted to her feet. THUNK. "DAAAAAAMN! WHO PUT A TABLE HERE!"
"I believe that would be this fellow right here." Sailor Mars calmly took a sip of the tea that Andrew had quickly placed on the table in front of her, then she pointed at Andrew, who had been trying to retreat into the Staff Only room without being seen. When Mars pointed at him, he let out a shriek and dove over the serving counter.
Alas, it was too late for our poor Arcade manager. Lita's enraged green eyes landed on him, and she lunged.
L
Several broken bones later:
"That foolish young hunk has now been taught the dangers of feng shui," announced Lita, climbing back over the counter. "Now, what were you saying, Merc?"
Mercury's eyes darted from Sailor Moon to Lita. "Um…"
"She wanted to know if you were finished whipping Mina's butt yet," supplied Mars, taking another nonchalant sip of tea.
Lita's eyes widened, and she cracked her knuckles, turning around and walking towards the blonde still sprawled on the floor.
"No!" Mercury exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Lita's leg to keep her from jumping Mina again. "That's now what I was going to sat! Stop instigating things, Mars!"
Mars just smirked and returned to her tea-sipping.
L
"Wow," said one spectator to another in one of the booths. "I never knew Sailor Mars was such a sadist."
"Me, neither," replied his friend. "She's acting really weird. Then again, so are the rest of them. This is the first time the Senshi have attacked civilians."
"You're right! I wonder why they're so spazzy today."
"Maybe they're drunk," suggested the other.
"That would make sense. But are Senshi allowed to drink?"
"Who's gonna stop them? Not me!" They snickered.
"ENOUGH OF THIS!" ordered Sailor Moon suddenly. "Are we gonna mud-wrestle, or are we gonna mud-wrestle?"
"We're not!" protested Mercury desperately, teeth clicking as Lita flung her leg this way and that in a vain attempt to throw the Senshi of ice off of her.
"Mud-wrestling?" echoed Lita and stopped kicking. Mercury slid down her leg and crumpled into a relieved blue heap on the floor. "I'm game!"
"What?" Sailor Moon's eyes bulged frantically. "Another competitor for Tuxedo Mask's heart? Noooooooooooo!" She fainted and fell backwards on top of Tuxedo Mask.
"Uh – did I miss something?" Lita asked the arcade patrons sitting around her and watching the scene. Remembering what she had done to Andrew, they all shook their heads hurriedly and pretended to be intently focused on their milkshakes, lattes, cappuccinos, etc.
"Ugh…" A groan was heard from a few tables away, and a blonde head rose into view. Mina clutched her head groggily. "What…happened?"
"Why, Mina," said Sailor Mars from the booth where Sailor Moon lay prostrate in Tuxedo Mask's arms. Her eyes twinkled slyly. "You left your hair down today – how pretty."
"Wha…? I didn't leave my hair down today…" Mina felt the back of her head, patting it down for her ribbon and finding nothing. "NOOO! WHERE'S MY RIBBON!"
Her eyes landed on Lita. "YOU! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?"
"What would I want with your mangy hair ribbon?" countered Lita.
"Liar! You took it! You – you – you muscular, testosterone-driven, XY female – "
"Wanna come and say that to my face, b#!"
"GLADLY!" Mina lunged, and Lita dove, and before you could scream, "Je-rry! Je-rry!" they were at it under the table again.
"Wow…" breathed all the people in the arcade. A flash went off as somebody took a picture.
Sailor Mars rubbed her hands together. "Another catfight. How purr-fect – YEOWCH!"
"Is that – a cat?" Tuxedo Mask peered over Sailor Moon's hair to look at the black-furred feline digging her claws into Sailor Mars' thigh.
"No, it's my long-lost sister," Sailor Mars gritted out sarcastically. "Of course it's a cat, you dolt. A cat that is going to be taken to the vet for a certain procedure that Artemis won't like very much if she doesn't get her claws out of my leg RIGHT NOW…" With a disgruntled meow, the cat sheathed her claws. "That's better. Now what do you want, Luna?"
To Tuxedo Mask's surprise and bewilderment, Sailor Mars bent her head down so that her ear was inches away from the car's mouth. Her eyes went unfocused for a moment as she appeared to listen, then her brows furrowed.
"Oh, fine!" she grumbled, shooting to her feet. "Always spoiling our fun…come on, Mercury, we have to go!"
Mercury raised her head from the floor dazedly, blinking her bloodshot eyes. "What about Mina and Lita?"
"Aw, let 'em kill each other. One less blonde to put up with."
"That's true," agreed Mercury thoughtfully, dragging herself to her feet and following Mars to the doors of the arcade, scooping up the black cat as she went.
"Hey, wait!" Tuxedo Mask leapt to his feet, Sailor Moon's inert body still flopping around in his arms. "What about Sailor Moon?"
"Is she even awake yet?" asked Mars, already halfway out the door. "Cuase let me tell you, I'm sure as heck not hauling her butt home, I did it last time."
"According to the schedule, it's Jupiter's turn," said Mercury, consulting her computer. "But since she's, um, otherwise occupied…could you do it for us, Tuxedo Mask?"
"Me?" Tuxedo Mask's eyes went round behind his mask. "But – but – she's still sleeping!"
Indeed, it was true, for snores were escaping from the blonde's mouth.
Mars shrugged. "So wake her up."
Tuxedo Mask set the blonde heroine down on the tabletop and shook her by the shoulders, then – when that failed – threw a glass of water in her face. He even tried tickling her nose with a handful of her golden hair. However – since this is Serena Tsukino we're talking about – she just sort of spluttered and giggled and went back to snoring, her head lolling against Tuxedo Mask's chest.
The caped man looked to Sailors Mars and Mercury with no little amount of fear in his expression. "Nothing's working! What do I do?"
Sailor Mars rolled her eyes. "Geez, do I have to come up with everything around here? Just kiss her, for God's sake!"
"What!" Tuxedo Mask gaped, trembling a little. "What makes you think that'll do anything?"
"Well, it works on TV." Mars smirked and darted out of the door, followed quickly by a chortling Mercury.
"Hmm," mused Tuxedo Mask, trying to ignore the fierce blush on his face. He was acutely aware of all the eyes fixed on him. "Well…if they do it on TV…"
A/N: There you have it, part two. Only one more left, I believe. After all, this fic is getting in the way of my other series – I've GOT to stop coming up with new ideas and just finish the ones I've already got. Bad Sword-chan! Bad Sword-chan!
Please please please please please please please please please please please please please review! Tell me how hard you laughed – if you did at all, which I hope you did, but if you didn't, tell me how I can make it funnier.
P.S. Meg-chan, I like the way you think, girl. But I guess before I get 'em published, I gotta finish them…darn. Hey, what's wrong with D.R.? I know it's not a unique opinion, but I think he's tres cute – not even the great Sword-chan can fight her hormones! And now that you've got me started on hot guys, you know who else is hot? The yellow Power Ranger from Power Rangers Ninja Storm. He's GORGEOUS! But I digress.
