The Cluedoville Files
Case #4: Baby Bang
I wasn't expecting anything unusual to happen today when I got up. Then again, I never do. When I get to my office, my secretary, Miss Josephine Scarlet, is usually there already, doing her job, as only she knows how. Today, she wasn't there yet. Not that I was upset or anything; she doesn't have to be there until 9:00 am. It just took me by surprise, that's all.
Anyway, Joey did eventually come to work. When she walked…no…staggered in, Miss Scarlet had a rather dazed expression on her face. Her hair was a mess, and she looked like she could have an emotional breakdown at the drop of a hat. As a matter of fact, I did drop my hat, and she did break down.
"Richard," Joey began amid tears, "I know I'm your employee, but I need you to treat me as a customer today."
Scarlet is a very good friend of mine, and if she needed my services, I was more than happy to oblige. "What's the case?" I asked.
"I'm pregnant."
For a long time after she spoke, neither of us said anything. Then I jumped in.
"How did this happen?"
"I'm not quite sure. I remember going to the bar last night. I remember being very drunk. I woke up this morning in the alley without my clothes. I ran home, got dressed, and then used my home pregnancy test before coming to work. The test came out positive. I was obviously raped by someone at the bar, but I can't remember who it was. Will you help me?"
"Of course I will! I'll take my fee out of your salary." Hey, I have to pay the rent too, right?
I decided to visit the bar to see what went down last night. The Cluedoville bar is also a restaurant; they don't start serving alcohol until 7:00 p.m. The bartender, a green girl by the name of Maxine Meadow-Brook, should have seen everything.
"Dick Brown! Good to see you again! To what do I owe the pleasure?" Max spoke with her disturbingly masculine voice.
"My secretary was raped last night somewhere near here, and now she's pregnant. I'm looking for the jerk that did all this. Can you tell me what happened here last night, Max?"
"Certainly. I saw Joey in here, and man, was she wasted! I remember she said 'You are one strange looking man, Max!' Then there was this man who took her outside. About an hour later, he came back inside, bragging about how he nailed Miss Scarlet. He was wearing a mask, so I couldn't see his face. However, his voice told me the pig's identity: Sergeant Robert Gray."
"Thank you Maxine!" I remember Bob making a pass at Joey before. He is notorious for having one-night stands with women, but he never raped anybody before. I ran to Gray's pad as fast as I could. I knocked, and he answered promptly. He was in his robe eating ice cream from the carton.
"How are you doing, Dick?" he asked a little too politely for my taste.
"The question here, Bob, is this: Whom were you doing last night?"
At this, the Sergeant began to blush. "Ah…who wants to know?"
"A very pregnant Josephine Scarlet, you disgusting pig!" Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
"Joey is carrying a child? How did this happen?"
"She went to the bar last night, and got very drunk." You're giving him too much info, Dick. "She woke up in the alley, naked." Shut up, you dumbnik! "Max the bartender saw it happen, and says you bragged about raping the poor defenseless girl." Now look what you've done!
"I've never been too that bar in my life. I don't know anyone named Max. She must have been hallucinating; she works with alcohol for a living."
Maybe he was telling the truth. He usually picks up women at the library (of all places).
"But if you didn't rape her, who did?"
"I wouldn't put this deplorable act past Monsieur Alexander Brunette."
Gray had a point. For the past seven months, M. Brunette's record was clean, a little too clean for a master con artist. It had been three months since I visited Alex and I was planning to do it anyway. As was the case every other time I visited, I found him working on his "hot" body with his "hot" home gym.
"Richard, it's been a while," Alex said in his standard issue over-flattering voice.
"Yeah, whatever. My secretary was raped last night and now she's pregnant. Max the bartender saw Joey at the bar then and witnessed her rape. But you wouldn't now anything about that now would you?"
"I'm sure Max saw Joey being raped. I'll bet he's the one who defiled her!"
"Maxine Meadow-Brook impregnated Josephine Scarlet?"
"Oh, Max is a woman? I didn't know that. I've never been to the bar in my life."
"Of course not, or you would know Max was a woman!"
"Yes, I just said that Rich…Where are you going?"
"No time to explain, Alex. Call my office; we'll do lunch."
I knew it had to be Gray, so I grabbed him and dragged him to the clinic where Joey was awaiting the results of her exam.
"I still don't understand," he began, "How did you know I raped her last night?"
"You said you didn't know anyone named Max, but you called her a 'she' and not a 'he'. You obviously knew that her name was Maxine and not Maximillion. But one question remains unanswered: What on earth were you thinking, you idiot?"
"I'm sorry. I was just as drunk as she was, if not more. But I'm going to do what's right and take responsibility for my own stupidity."
Just then, Miss Scarlet walked into the waiting room. She looked me right in the eyes. "Is this the jerk who raped me?"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm going to make sure he takes good care of you and your baby."
"Well," she said, beginning to smile, "there's no need for that. I'm not pregnant!"
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" There was no denying Bob's elation at the news. However, he still has to be sentenced for his horrid act of sexual perversion. I let Joey take a week off to recover, but to my surprise, she was back at her desk the next day. And just like every day before, Miss Scarlet was early.
