The Cluedoville Files Case #8: All that Glitters

"Have you seen my dagger anywhere?"

The dagger that Miss Josephine Scarlet was referring to used to belong to her father, James Scarlet. It was ornate and encrusted with rubies and diamonds. It is also the first of only 8 registered weapons in all of Cluedoville, North Dakota.

"I thought you took that thing home with you a week ago."

"Yeah, I did, but now I can't find it!" Clearly she was in a state of panic.

"Don't worry, Joey. Everyone in town knows that it's your dagger. Someone will find it and bring it back."

When I said that, she was visibly relived. "I hope so."

It was winter on a day like any other in our fair town. I sat down at my desk and started to leaf through the surveillance catalog that came in the mail yesterday. I found several things that our detective agency could make use of. I placed an order right away. It should arrive in a few weeks. But, that has nothing to do with this story, so I'm sorry I brought that up.

Anyway, the day was mostly uneventful until about 3 PM. That's when someone walked in.

"Hey, close the door! You're letting the heat out!" I screamed. He did shut the door. When he took off his jacket, we saw that the stranger was Sergeant Robert Gray. As you might expect, Joey was "thrilled" to see him.

"Stay away from me!" She screamed and put up her dukes.

"Yeah, I guess I deserve that."

"Calm down, Joey," I told Miss Scarlet. "What are you doing here?" I asked the sergeant.

Bob said, "We got a call that Brunette is up to his old tricks again."

"So? That doesn't answer my question."

"I need your help proving that whatever Brunette's selling isn't worth buying."

"Isn't Alex's rap sheet enough proof?" Joey asked.

"No, it isn't," I told her. I turned to Bob. "So why do you need my help?"

"Actually, our informant recommended you."

"Sounds good to me. Let's motor."

I was carrying my .45 Magnum with me, the second of the 8 registered weapons in Cluedoville. There was a massive crowd of people around the bandstand, where Monsieur Alexander Brunette was talking up a storm. It was clear he was selling something; he was speaking in his phony French accent. Only three people in town know that his accent is fake: himself, his daughter, Miss Rachel Peach and I. Speaking of Rachel, she was watching her father's spiel alongside Bob and me. She looked like she hadn't shaved in about a week. How did she get there? I hadn't seen or felt anyone come up beside us.

"I just know he's up to something," she said, almost seething with rage.

"Shh, I'm trying to hear him," I told her.

"Oui, oui, mes ami!" M. Brunette was saying. "My brother has struck gold out in southern California, and I know where to get it!"

"Don't believe him!" It was Rachel! "He's lying to you all. He just wants your money!"

"Hey, how do you know this for a fact?" asked someone from the crowd.

"I'm his daughter, I know all about him and his crooked deals!"

"Pay no attention to my daughter, ladies and gentlemen. She never liked me in her entire life. She would do anything to make me look bad. But let me ask you, would a bad man promise on his mother's grave that he would pay you all back tenfold for your investments?"

"Yes," said another voice from the audience. "And he would break his promise in a heartbeat!" I looked and saw who it was.

"Josephine! What in the world are you doing here?"

"Helping you bring down Brunette, duh!"

"As I was saying, before I was, uh, how you say, so RUDELY interrupted, if you people would hear my story, you would clearly see that I am not lying to you all!

"You see, my brother Alphonse was on a gold digging trip in California with his mule, whom he called Karen. He was searching for days and was just about to pack up and go home when his pick ax struck something hard. It was GOLD!"

"Oh yeah?" Joey said with a tone of sarcasm. "Well, then why didn't Alphonse just load up his mule and take the gold home with him?"

"Because." Alex wasn't giving in. "Because Karen was pregnant at the time, and…"

"I know that feeling," Joey sneered at Bob.

"You weren't even pregnant, Scarlet!" Bob snapped in his own defense.

"AS I WAS SAYING…" Alex screamed at the top of his lungs, "Karen the mule was pregnant, and Alphonse knew she wasn't up to the task of carrying the gold and her baby. So they left the gold behind, but not before he wrote down where the gold was and mailed it to me! By the way, Karen's baby came out healthy, and Alphonse named him Ca-ching!

"And now I come before you today, offering a share in this massive fortune! For a 5 investment, I will guarantee you 50 in gold! So come up and stake your claim, I shall repay you tenfold!"

"Don't believe a word this man says!" Rachel was on the brink of hysterics. "He's a conniving con artist! I only wish there was some way to prove it!"

"There is," I said. "Ladies and gentlemen, this man claims that his brother didn't bring home any gold because his mule was pregnant."

"Oui, she was very with child," M. Brunette said in his fake accent.

"What he doesn't realize is that a mule is the cross of a female horse and a male donkey! Mules simply cannot have young of their own! With this information, you can clearly see that his entire story is false."

When I said that, the crowd dispersed. Alex was visibly angry. He produced his lead pipe, the sixth registered weapon in Cluedoville, and brandished it at me. "Why did you go and do that?" he asked me, this time in his true American accent.

I drew out my pistol and told him, "Put the pipe down and I will tell you." He did as I said. "I was hired to check out what you were up to. Unlike you, I make money off of truth and justice, instead of lies and false stories. Speaking of money, who's going to pay my fee?"

"Hey, don't look at me," Sgt. Gray said. "I hired you because I was told to by my informant."

Suddenly, a mysterious hand gave me an envelope. Inside it was 40 dollars and a note.

"I knew I could count on you to bring down my father's scheme. Come over for dinner anytime you want. Love, Miss Peach."