The last thing Bart remembered was falling into a spring, trying to swim out, and catching his ankle on a protruding root. He had struggled to escape, but every frantic breath had only invited more water to enter his lungs...
All at once the cold and wetness disappeared, and the sound of thrashing limbs faded. He was floating upwards through the water - or rather, the water was flowing through him.
What's happening to me? he wondered. The surface of the pool shrank away from him. As he rose into the sky, feeling strangely light and transparent, he could see Lisa diving into the spring and his parents standing nearby with worried expressions. "I'm up here!" he shouted to them, but they didn't seem to hear. Moreover, something was different about his voice. It reminded him of the occasion when he and Milhouse had stolen a tank of helium from Professor Frink's laboratory.
Further and further he ascended. The whole of China was spread out below him, Tibet on the south and the Great Wall on the north. He knew intuitively that the atmosphere was thin and cold around him, yet he felt no discomfort. He looked down at his hands and lower body, but could only make out vague human-like forms. The sun looked hotter and nearer than ever. It was a perfectly clear day...so why had a cloud suddenly materialized?
He could tell that he was slowing down. Seconds later he stopped completely, and the vapors surrounding him dissipated. His feet rested on a smooth, warm platform that felt like a marble floor, and upon closer inspection turned out to be a marble floor. He took a step, then another. His legs worked, though his stride was inexplicably shorter. Ahead of him loomed a gigantic gate that appeared to consist of pure gold. Whether he was moving toward the gate, or the gate was moving toward him, he couldn't say.
The gate began to slide open noiselessly as he approached. It made him think of Burns Manor, only it was much more well-lighted, and no hounds were to be seen. He stepped through the portal nervously, and heard a sudden sound behind him, not unlike the ringing of a church bell. He turned, and saw that the gate had slammed shut.
Whatever this place was, he was trapped inside. He turned forward again, only to see a figure towering over him. It was solid white, from its perfectly manicured toes to its sandal-clad feet to its spotless satin robe to its shaggy beard to its luminous, shrouded face. Bart had no difficulty recognizing Him.
"G-God?" he stammered. "I-I thought you were dead!"
The tall glowing man started to chuckle heartily.
I'm screwed, thought Bart. Everything Mrs. Lovejoy tried to teach me in Sunday School is true.
"Welcome to heaven, little girl," said God in a booming voice.
Bart nearly choked on his alarm. "Little girl?" he repeated.
The sound that came from his mouth was high-pitched, almost a squeal.
Bending over slightly, he glanced at his reflection in the polished floor. At first he denied what he saw - the image of a Chinese girl of five or six, wearing a dress of seamless white fabric, straight black hair dropping all the way to her hips. He bobbed his head back and forth, and witnessed in horror as the girl in the floor matched his movements exactly. Then he reached over his shoulders, and clutched a spaghetti-like mane of hair in each fist.
He started to giggle. He had never made such a noise before, but it came naturally. After he finally managed to stop himself from giggling, he screamed. When he was finished screaming, he giggled again. Then he screamed some more. God waited with infinite patience as the little girl tired herself out with screaming, giggling, and finally crying.
"This isn't right!" Bart sobbed in despair. "I'm not a girl! I'm Bart Simpson!"
"Simpson, eh?" said God thoughtfully. "I understand everything, yet I can't understand why a cute little girl like you would claim to be Bart Simpson. Not a day goes by that Satan doesn't ask me, 'Has Bart Simpson died yet? Has Bart Simpson died yet?' And I have to tell him, 'Not yet, but I've got my best man on the job - Sideshow Bob.'"
Spectral tears rolled down Bart's rosy new cheeks, and he took no thought to wipe them. "You did this to me," he grumbled, pointing an accusing finger at God. "You're the only one with the power."
"On the contrary," said God, waving a hand dismissively. "Since you're from China, you must have heard of the cursed springs..."
The Almighty stopped and raised his hand to his bearded chin. "Oh, my Me," he said sheepishly.
As she flung her dress into a heap on the ground, Lisa wondered why her parents, Selma, and the Shaolin monks were staring in astonishment at her. It's not like Mom and Dad have never seen me in underpants before, she thought. And those monks have probably made vows of celibacy, so I shouldn't worry about them. Hmm...maybe I should take everything off. My underpants are really tight - yeesh, even my necklace seems to have shrunk. But Bart needs me, and this story is rated PG, so...
She turned back to the spring, raised her arms, bent her knees, and performed a flawless swan dive. As she hurtled toward the water, she happened to catch a glimpse of her reflection.
"AAAAAARGHBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB..."
"Bart!" cried Marge, lunging forward. As the monks tried in vain to dissuade her, she knelt at the water's edge and inserted her arm at the spot where she had seen her "son" go down. She swept her hand to and fro, hoping and praying that someone below would seize hold of it.
"Don't just stand there like an idiot!" she urged Homer, who was just standing there like an idiot. "Help me fish them out! Get a stick! Get two sticks!"
Homer dared not move, for he saw a change coming over Marge that she herself was too busy to notice. Her hair bun was getting shorter, and so was her body. Her voice was turning less raspy. Worst of all, the two features he liked most about her were shrinking...
"Get out of there!" bellowed Homer, yanking his wife by her dry arm.
Marge, by this point looking like a thirteen-year-old girl in an oversized green dress, tumbled away from the spring and into a patch of weeds. "What was that all about?" she demanded, then moved her hand to her throat in surprise. "What's wrong with my voice?"
"Nothing's wrong with your voice," replied her sister Selma, watching with interest as Marge picked herself off the ground and slowly grew back into her original shape.
"For a minute there you had your girlish figure back," Homer remarked.
"It felt really weird," Marge rasped.
"Okay, now there's something wrong with your voice," said Selma.
"The curse almost changed you," a monk cautioned Marge. "Do not touch water again."
Out of the spring burst Bart, or the person they perceived as Bart. Treading water forcefully with one arm, he dragged himself onto the shore, pulling a small figure behind him. It was a dramatic, yet amusing, scene - Bart wearing nothing but Lisa's necklace, stockings, and underpants, applying pressure to the chest of an unconscious little Asian girl with long, jet-black hair and Bart's red shirt and blue shorts hanging over her body.
Homer, Marge, Selma, Ling, and the monks surrounded the pair, and watched a rivulet of water pour from the tiny girl's lips. No one spoke a word, or bothered to ask who the strange girl was, as they assumed that Bart didn't know either.
Tense seconds passed, and the black-haired girl opened her eyes and coughed violently. After she had expelled the fluid from her lungs, she sat up and looked around in confusion. Upon seeing Bart in a kneeling position next to her, she gasped in shock and began to cough again.
"Don't be afraid," Marge tried to reassure her.
"Selma won't eat you," quipped Homer.
As Selma tried to burn through Homer's skull with her gaze, Marge attended to the half-drowned girl, supporting her back with one hand. "What's your name?" she inquired. "Do you speak English?"
The girl shot her an incredulous glare. "I'm Bart," she snapped.
"It's true, Mom," said "Bart" with a nod. "The curse of the spring turned him into a girl, and then it turned me into him. I'm really Lisa."
"I was dead," said the little girl in a panicked tone. "I got caught in a root, and I drowned, and went up to heaven, and God was there, and he sent me back so I could...so I could find a way to change back into a boy, so I wouldn't have to be a girl for eternity." She gazed hopefully at the monks, amazed at how tall they had become. "There...there is a way to change back, right?"
The robed Asians nodded in unison.
"Hot water turn you into boy again," said one monk.
Bart-chan (the little girl) sighed with relief.
"But cold water turn you into girl," said another monk.
"D'oh!"
"Then our first order of business is to find some hot water," said Lisa-kun (Lisa in the form of Bart), assisting Bart-chan to her feet.
"Ay caramba," the little girl lamented. "I haven't been this short since I was five. You got the better part of the deal, Lis. You're me."
"I'd trade you if I could," said Lisa-kun. "You're awfully cute for a Chinese girl."
"Er, ahem," said Marge, pointing her eyes at the lower part of Bart-chan's new body. The little girl looked down, and her face turned a flaming shade of red. Everyone else, even the monks, suppressed chuckles upon noticing that Bart-chan was clad in nothing but Bart's shirt. Bart's shorts and underwear had fallen around her tiny feet.
"I hope you don't mind wearing my clothes," said Lisa-kun.
Bart-chan groaned miserably.
to be continued
