Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!
Walking, Crawling, Climbing, Falling
Jillian's heart jumped when Lucas took her hand and led her to the Ferris Wheel. That wasn't the first time he held her hand that night but every time made her heart skip a beat. She couldn't imagine reaching a state of complete contentment, and here she was, way past content and far into happiness.
Even though they were alone in the car on the Ferris Wheel, Jillian still felt like they were being starred at. She never really liked attention, the spotlight on herself, and for people to notice her with Lucas, even notice and stare and make comments, Jillian couldn't handle.
Lucas was talking to her but she had no idea what he was saying. Something about the book they were reading. He was comparing it to 1984. She was telling herself to nod so at least it appeared that she was listening to him.
"What's on your mind, Jilly?" Jillian smiled, knowing that he knew that she was thinking of something completely different.
"I don't know. I guess I'm just having a hard time concentrating. All those things that people are saying about me at school kind of has me in a tail spin right now."
"What do you mean, you have lots of friends now. Peyton, Me, Haley, Jake-"
"Well, I've found that a lot of people at Tree Hill aren't very receptive of a new girl." She started picking at her nail. "Either that or they aren't very receptive of me and you hanging out together."
"What does it matter what people say? I've heard the stories people are telling about us and about you. We both know they aren't true. I don't want to stop spending time together just because people are saying mean stuff-"
"I don't either."
"Do you care about what other people say? What other people think?"
She thought about it for a moment. "Yes. Yes, I do." He laughed a little to himself. "Why are you laughing at me?"
"I never would have guessed you would be someone like that."
"Like what?"
"One of those people that cares about what other people think, let's it control their life."
"Trust me, if I let it control my life, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant." They were getting off the ride and walking down the ramp to the exit gate. "You wouldn't be able to understand, Luke. It's complicated."
"How so?"
"Do you think that I've never heard those things that they have been calling me at school? You want to talk about cruelty to your peers, you should have gone to St. Anne's. You don't know what it's like in that atmosphere."
"The religious-?"
"It wasn't even about that. Anne's is basically a Prep school. It was cut-throat competition there. If you had a boyfriend that didn't go to the Boy's Catholic School that was down the street, other girls would rip you a part, for example."
"It must have been hard when you found out you were pregnant."
"Well, my pregnancy quelled the rumor that I was a lesbian, but all new ones started. I don't even know how the girls at school found out but it was the first time I ever felt ashamed of myself. I was just like you, I was always saying 'screw them, they don't know anything about me' but when they found out about Jenny... they were right, I couldn't deny it. I felt ashamed of myself."
"You shouldn't have; you and Jake loved each other. It was a mistake-"
They were just walking, Lucas now interested in what she had to say. Of all the things they ever talked about, this was something Luke felt was taboo to bring up. He never wanted to make her tell him things she wasn't comfortable saying. He was glad that she felt she could open up to him.
"It was a mistake I would do again in a heartbeat. It's just... I never was called a whore before. It hurt so bad, and I hate having to go through it again. And it just worse because Jen had left school only a few months before for the same reason..."
"Jen?"
"She was my best friend. She got pregnant, too."
"Is Jenny named after her?"
"Yeah. I haven't seen Jennifer since I was about four months pregnant. I had to sneak out of the house to see her. When her mother found out she was pregnant, she sent Jennifer away to a mission to have the baby. When she came back home, she was a completely different person. She was so sad. So broken."
"What happened to the baby?"
"Jen gave him up for adoption. They ended up moving away because Jen didn't want to go back to St. Anne's. I don't blame her. My mother didn't want me talking to her so I haven't heard from her since."
"What about the father?"
"His name was James. He went to the boys school, one of the only nice guys from there. He was talented, too. He actually taught Jake how to play guitar. We were all really close."
"Do you talk to him anymore?"
"After Jen left, he fell a part. He was willing to run away with her and keep the baby but he didn't get a choice. All James wanted was to be with Jen and they took that away from him. When she was back home, they had a go at it again but something was missing. They were two people, hurting, with no way to fix it."
"You never told me about that before."
She smiled at him. "I feel like I can tell you anything. You are such a great guy, Luke, you're easy to talk to."
"I feel like I can tell you anything, too."
He stood in front of her now, both his hands holding her shoulders, his bright eyes gazing into hers. She knew what he was doing; knew it all too well. She wanted it, not sure where the feeling of wanting him to kiss her really was coming from. She knew really imagined herself with anyone other than Jake, but Lucas was someone she couldn't get out of her head, just like she was with Jake before. And what she did know was that she would do anything to feel like she did before all the crap that happened to her. She wanted love again.
He leaned down and met her lips and she reached up for his. She kept telling herself that this was what she wanted. She wanted to be with Lucas, no matter what other people said about her.
But then as he was moving his hands to her face and kissing her much more passionately, she opened her eyes to look at him. She closed her eyes immediately when she saw that it was indeed Lucas who she was kissing and not Jake. She felt so disappointed in herself for thinking that. She realized that she wanted Jake to be here, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her in the middle of a crowd and not caring what the people around them thought. She tried to make up for these thoughts by moving more into his kiss, but she couldn't let the feeling go.
She knew that she loved Jake and only Jake. She didn't want to just feel someone loving her; Lucas could never be that for her. Jillian wanted Jake.
Jillian pulled away and Luke was stilling cradling her face in his hands. He smiled at her.
"This is all wrong." Tears were running down her cheeks. His smile disappeared.
"What is wrong?" He moved his hands back to her shoulders, comforting her.
"I can't do this, Lucas." She took the back of her hand and pushed away her tears. "I'm so sorry."
She ran in the other direction, hoping that he wouldn't chase her. He began to run after her, to find out what was wrong between them, but he lost her in a crowd.
"How are you doing?"
Peyton wrapped her arms around Jillian who was sitting on the curb in front of a gas station. She ran a good distance from the fair, but she knew she couldn't walk all the way home.
"I'm sorry I called you all the way out here. The line was busy at home and you were the only other person-"
"Say no more, Jilly, I'm your friend. That's what I'm here for."
She helped her up and to the car. Peyton waited for Jillian to tell her what was wrong, but it was obvious it wasn't going to be an easy sell, so she opted to ask Jillian.
"Tell me what happened."
"I screwed up, Peyton. I don't know what I was thinking."
"I know what you were thinking. You came out here tonight because it looked like fun. Did Lucas do something to you?"
"No, you got that backwards. Its more like I did something to him."
"What do you mean?"
"He kissed me. And all I could think.. it was wrong. It was all wrong."
Peyton understood without Jillian having to elaborate. She understood, too, that no one could just stop their feelings. The rest of the ride was silent, until Peyton pulled into the driveway and Jillian ran up to the house and into her room.
"Hey Jill, what's going on?" Jillian ran past Jake and up the stairs. Peyton strolled in after her. "Peyt, what happened?"
"Their date went pretty bad. I don't think she really wants to talk about it right now. She's kind of between a rock and a hard place."
"Did Luke do something to her?" He stood. "I'm going to go talk to her to find out what the hell happened."
"Jake, leave her alone for a little while."
"No, if Luke did something to her, I'm going to go kick his ass for messing with her." He moved towards the stairs. "Jillian!" He continued up the stairs.
"Jake. We need to talk!" He came back down a few so that he could see her still standing in the living room.
"Can it wait till tomorrow?"
"No, Jake. I think we need to take a break."
He couldn't believe what he was hearing from her. He came down the rest of the stairs and sat down on the couch. Peyton sat next to him.
"What are you talking about?"
"I realized a lot tonight. It's obvious that there is something still between you two." Jake began to protest. "Don't say anything. I realize that I could ignore this all. I could continue to live like this and we could still be together, but you two aren't going to stop loving each other, even if you both try. And I'll never really be happy with you as long as I know that. I can ignore it all I want, but it's not going away."
"I told you I don't love her anymore. Not like I love you."
"I know you love me, Jake. But you and Jillian, you two are meant to be together. It's Fate."
"You don't believe in Fate."
"I guess I didn't believe it until I could see it." She couldn't stop fidgeting. "This isn't a goodbye forever; If it doesn't work out, then there's a chance for me and you. But you have to see if there is something for you and Jill. I don't want to keep doing this."
"Why are you trying to break us up, Peyton? You can blame Fate all you want; Fate would be Jillian and I ending up together in the end, you can't call running away from me Fate."
"See, you are a believer in whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I guess I can see what's in front of my face and what's the use in pretending?" She leaned over and kissed him, running her fingers down his face. "You will always be one of my best friends. And I won't stop being in Jenny's life."
Peyton left pretty quickly, leaving Jake in a whirlwind, unsure of what just happened. Had he agreed to take a break with Peyton? Was it what he really wanted? Jake was unsure of what Peyton meant by all she said. It happened so quickly, Jake was barely able to figure out what really was said and what was done. He knew that he loved Peyton. Did he still love Jillian? He was just concerned.
Wasn't that it?
Before she even realized what she was doing, Jillian was standing at the side door to Lucas's room, knocking lightly, trying not to wake his mother. She found it quite funny that she was on the opposite side of the situation; she was no longer the victim of a wake up call at two in the morning, she was the one doing the waking.
Lucas came stumbling to the door, unlocking and wincing to see who it was. He looked taken aback by Jillian standing there.
"Surprise!" He didn't look any more amused. "Sorry. I had to come and talk to you because I wasn't fair to you. Ha! Fair, we went to the fair, get it? Yeah, totally not funny now." She paused. "Can I..."
He pushed the door open further so that she could enter. She looked around the room while he closed the door. She saw the book she'd given him, open and turned over, marking a page on the bed. He probably had just fallen asleep when she came by.
"So what couldn't wait till morning?"
He rubbed his eyes and sat on the edge of his bed. Jillian took the other corner and folded one knee under her as she sat.
"I haven't been fair to you, Luke. I'm not a simple person with a simple life. I'm complicated, messy, busy, I have a daughter."
"I know that, Jill."
"I know. But the thing is, that I don't think you are ready for a relationship with me.. and frankly a relationship with me is also one with Jenny and Jake, too. He's always going to be in my life." She put her hand to her temple, trying to straighten her thoughts. "I don't think there are many people that can relate to my situation right now. The only one that I can think of that can take on something like that... well, he's already seeing a good friend of ours and he's the father of my daughter."
"What is going on between us then?"
"I don't know, Lucas. When you walk into the room, my heart jumps. But... I never imagined a year ago, this would be my life. It was a lot different. I know that there is little I can change... but I'm not going to be unfair to you just because you are right here and I could fall for you. That's not fair to be with you just because its convenient; that's fine for a lot of people, but you are more than that. And we are so close already, I feel like I can tell you anything."
"Do you mean that?" She nodded. "Tell me how you feel about Jake, then."
She avoided his eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings before at the fair. When I came back, I thought things would be just like they were before. Obviously they aren't. Thinking about coming home to Jake and Jenny is what kept me going all that time. I'd rather pine than pretend with you, Luke. I like you too much to do that to you."
"You meant it when you said you could tell me anything."
"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, it was never my intention. I was hoping that you could distract me from him. But its always going to be there. He has been the only person that I ever felt could be the one for me. I don't know what it is, but I feel whole."
"But he's with Peyton, Jill."
"I know. I'm okay with that. I can see that they are in love, and besides, I kind of became friends with her, too. That's why what I've said to you tonight is between you and me."
"What are you going to do then?"
"All I can. Wait."
Lucas nodded. "You're still going to sit with me at lunch right?"
"Why would I sit with anyone else?"
"Still read books together?"
"Next week is All the Pretty Horses, I've already decided."
Lucas laughed. "Did you walk?" She nodded and he chuckled again. "Let you at least give you a ride home. The crazy people walk the streets at this time of night." He took the keys from his dresser and opened the door, ushering her to his truck.
