A sense of urgency drove Homer as he drove his pink car along Evergreen Terrace and into the garage of the Simpson house. He was in a tight spot and his brain wasn't pulling its weight, so he knew he had to find other brains to help him, and very soon.
He found Marge preparing TV dinners in the kitchen, Lisa tap dancing in her room, Maggie asleep on the couch, and Santa's Little Helper chewing on an old sneaker. "Family, we have a problem," he called to everyone present.
"I'll say we do," said Marge, who came out of the kitchen with a stack of colored envelopes in her hands. "Look at all these get-well cards for Lisa. And our voice mail's clogged with messages of sympathy. The whole neighborhood thinks Lisa's the one who was burned, not Bart."
Homer took the pile of letters and leafed through them. Martin Prince, Janey Hagstrom, Lindsey Neagle, Captain McAllister, Lionel Hutz, Disco Stu... "And they call themselves our friends," he grumbled.
"I'm sure they meant well," remarked Marge. "But this is serious. If anyone sees Lisa the way she is..."
"...then they'll tell Mr. Burns, and he'll fire me faster than you can say 'release the hounds'," said Homer worriedly.
"We'll just have to keep Lisa hidden until Bart gets out of the hospital," said Marge.
"Uh, that could be a problem," said Homer. "Burns wants to visit Lisa in the hospital, and he won't take no for an answer."
"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Marge.
"Mom, Dad," said Lisa, who was standing behind the second-floor railing in her dancing suit, "you're overlooking an obvious solution."
Her parents turned and faced her hopefully.
"I can fool everyone by turning into Bart during the day," she went on as she descended the stairs. "And when Burns goes to the hospital, we'll disguise Bart with a wig and bandages, so he'll think he's talking to Lisa."
"I doubt Burns would fall for that," said Marge. "All he has to do is take one look at those Chinese eyes..."
"The only alternative is to turn Bart back into a boy," said Lisa. "But he just underwent skin graft surgery. It's too risky."
"Maybe we should let Bart decide that," said Homer.
In room 338 of Shelbyville Hospital, Bart-chan lay wincing on a bed as a lady nurse changed the dressing on her chest. "That's a good girl," the medic said soothingly. "Relax. Take it easy. This will be over in a minute." Still partially addled from anesthetic, Bart-chan lacked the strength to protest the nurse's patronizing treatment.
"There you go," the young woman finally said. "All done."
"That wasn't so bad," Bart-chan mumbled bravely.
"You're a lucky little girl," said the nurse sweetly. "Lucky you didnt' lose both nipples."
"Yeah, lucky me," said Bart-chan. "I still have one left to pierce."
The nurse rose, picked up a remote control from the counter, and switched on a TV set that was suspended from the ceiling. "I'll be back in ten minutes," she told Bart-chan. "Until then, you can watch your fighting robot cartoon."
The blistered little girl watched the colorful action on the screen for a few seconds, then realized, to her astonishment, that she didn't enjoy it much. "I'd like to watch something else, please," she squeaked.
The nurse started to flip through the channels, saying, "Tell me when you see something you like."
Bart-chan watched with bleary eyes. News...game show...Family Guy...reality show...concert...
"Wait," she spoke up. "What's this?"
"It's the Hallmark channel," replied the nurse. "You probably wouldn't like that."
"What's wrong with that lady?" asked Bart-chan with concern.
On the screen, a tearful woman was hovering over the deathbed of her beloved sister.
"Melissa," the dying lady moaned, "promise you'll find a good home for my children."
"Please don't talk that way," her sister said somberly. "You're going to pull through."
"No, Melissa. The cancer has spread into my liver. I don't have much longer."
An unfamiliar emotion crept into Bart-chan's heart. It was compassion.
"That poor lady," she mourned. "What'll happen to her kids after she dies?"
The nurse shook her head. "I guess they'll go to another family."
Bart-chan felt a tear roll down her singed cheek. "It's not fair," she protested. "She has little kids. She shouldn't have to die."
"Would you like to watch something else?" the nurse asked her.
"No," Bart-chan answered firmly. "Leave it here."
The nurse smiled, laid down the remote, and walked out of the hospital room.
This is weird, thought Bart-chan as she watched the woman on the screen take her last breaths. I actually like this show. I used to think shows like this were just for girls.
So engrossed was she in the program that she almost didn't notice the rest of her family bursting into the room. "How's my sweet little guy?" said Marge, who was porting Maggie over her shoulder.
"Mom!" complained Bart-chan when her mother's hair bun blocked the TV screen. "This is the best part. Melissa's dealing with the guilt of not having been there for her dead sister."
Lisa glanced up at the set. "I can't believe you're enjoying this manipulative drivel," she commented. "You've been a girl for so long, it's affecting the way you think."
Bart-chan considered her sister's words thoughtfully. "Oh, geez, you're right," she concluded. "I'm going all girly. Turn it off."
While Homer switched off the TV, Lisa explained the family's situation to Bart-chan. "When we pretended that I was you and you were me, somehow word got back to Springfield that I'd been burned instead of you. To make matters worse, now Burns wants to see me in the hospital and make sure it really happened. If he thinks we concocted a story, he'll fire Dad."
Bart-chan's brown Asian eyes expressed worry, then fear, then determination.
"Hot water," she said weakly.
"Bart, no!" exclaimed Lisa. "You just had surgery!"
"You've got to change me back," said Bart-chan, her voice growing in strength. "When Mr. Burns walks through that door he's got to see a member of the Simpson family, not some strange little Chinese girl."
"Out of the question," said Marge flatly. "Your skin stretches when you change. You could rip yourself apart."
"They patched me up once and they can patch me up again," said Bart-chan. "It's the least I can do for my family. I haven't been a very good son, and I want to make it up to you. Do it, Dad."
To the horror of Marge and Lisa, Homer lifted his hand to reveal a cup of steaming water which he had been concealing from everyone but Bart-chan.
"Homer!" cried Marge in outrage.
"It's what he wants," said Homer defensively.
While Marge planted herself between Homer and Bart-chan's bed, Lisa heard a faint, familiar, and very unwelcome voice from the hospital corridor. She stuck her head through the doorway for a closer look. Two pairs of eyes spotted her and went wide.
Frantic, she pulled in her head and scampered over to her arguing parents. "Mom! Dad!" she shrieked. "Mr. Burns is coming!"
Marge and Homer fell silent and cocked their ears. The sound they heard chilled them to the very soul. "She looks perfectly healthy to me, Smithers." It was the voice of Burns. "Homer Simpson has a lot of explaining to do."
They stared desperately into each other's eyes. "Hit me with the freakin' water!" Bart-chan pleaded.
to be continued
