Disclaimer: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!
I'd Rather Be With You
Never before had Jillian and Jake had so many sleepless nights.
Jake spent his time for weeks, trying to figure out what he was really feeling, and once he did, he didn't like the result. He knew that he loved Jillian and always will. He knew also that he loved Peyton, but couldn't figure out how someone could love two people at the same time.
He was just glad that Jillian turned into a busy beaver as of late. She did nothing but work, go to school, work on homework, and spend time with Jenny. Occasionally, she would go to the Cafe and spend time reading a book or talking about a book with Lucas.
Itseemed that they patched things up, as far as Jake could tell. He never got the full story of what happened at the fair; after Peyton breaking it off with him, he avoided Jillian all together, subconsciously. He didn't even realize that he was avoiding her until she asked him if he was. He plain out called her crazy and went on about his business.
He didn't want to tell her about Peyton and he knew that she didn't want to talk to Peyton because she felt embarrassed about that night. For Jake it would be a win-win situation if he never talked to either girls and they didn't talk to each other.
But in the end, he just felt miserable with no one to talk to. He was hoping to find a solution to his problems because all that this time was doing was causing him to hurt more. Jake never realized that he depended so heavily on others to make him happy. He didn't like this realization either.
"Okay, I'll turn it down, Dad." Peyton thought she heard a knock on her door but couldn't tell over the loud music. She turned the volume knob down a little but made no real attempt to lower the volume. She was bent over a sketch book on her bed, drawing out her feelings, her web cam turned on but facing the ceiling.
"It doesn't matter to me how loud you play it. I love Bleeding Through." Jillian stood at the threshold to her room. "Your Dad just left."
She tossed her notebook on the floor and rolled over and sat up, patting the end of the bed for Jillian to sit. Jillian walked over and sat. "We haven't talked in a long time."
"I'm so embarrassed about the way I acted. The things I said."
"It's okay, you were having a girl moment is all." Both girls laugh. "I just thought you didn't want to be friends anymore because you thought things would be too weird around us."
"How so?" Jillian was lost.
"You know, because Jake and I aren't together anymore. I want us to still be friends."
Jillian really had no idea what she was talking about, though she didn't want to let on. How long had they been split? And why didn't Jillian notice? She had been pretty busy; besides her schedule, she wasn't a very observant person. And why didn't Jake tell her? She didn't want Peyton to think that she didn't know so she pretended.
"I don't want things to be strange between us; you are one of the only people here that is cool with me."
"I'm glad that Jake and me doesn't affect us." Jillian laid down next to the footboard. "But what the hell is going on between you and Lucas?"
"Just friends. It's nice to have someone to talk to. But I know he's not ready for a relationship with a kid involved. I'm not sure I am, either. Can I ask you a question?"
She laid down to face Jillian, her head propped up on her arm. "Shoot."
"Why did you guys break up? Was it on bad terms?"
Peyton hesitated. "Do you ever feel like you go through the motions of your life, but you don't think that the feelings, the reasons are there anymore?" Jillian nodded. "I felt like we were together because we got so used to it. That and convenience."
Jillian knew that their break up wasn't as simple as Peyton made it out to be.
"You're playing Bleeding Through, Love Lost in a Hail of Gunfire. That means your split wasn't good."
"I love him, Jilly, but it's not working out. If it's meant to happen, it will happen later." She paused, trying to think of a way to word her next statement without it sounding like she was trying to pry. "How's it going between Jake and you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, because things were weird between us."
"We aren't talking too much these days. We're both pretty busy." It clicked in her head. He was avoiding her. Now she was wondering if their break up had anything to do with her.
"Did you stop by on your way to work?"
Jillian looked down at her watch. "I told Matt I'd open up for him and work most of the day."
"I'll walk with you." They both got off the bed while Peyton ran into her closet and grabbed a jacket. "You have to fill me in about how much you like the CDs I gave you. Did you like the Killers CD?"
Jake had poured out his heart to Haley while they were on their break. Nobody was in the Cafe so they both sat there, Haley listening to Jake's problems, though she had already heard about it from Peyton. She could understand from both of their perspectives and, lucky for Jake, didn't blame him for the way he felt. She understood completely; she knew that you didn't get to pick who you fell for. It happened to her and Nathan just as it was happening to Jake.
"So what are you going to do about all this, Jake?"
"I don't know. Peyton barely speaks to me because it's weird between us, I can't even look at Jillian. Besides, she's with Luke now..."
Haley laughed. Seems she was the one that had information from everyone. "They aren't together. They both told me that they decided the best thing for everyone would to be just friends. So why don't you tell her how you feel?"
"I can't. I love Peyton."
Haley laughed again, this time, it ended in a sigh. "Boys." She shook her head. "No matter how hard you try to control your feelings, they always come out in the end. You know how you feel about Jill. You're not the bad guy if you love her; she's the first girl you loved, of course you still have feelings for her."
"How could I just move on from Peyton?"
"I don't think Peyton wants to see you lonely." She fiddled with some knobs on the coffee maker. "What are you going to do about tonight? The award thing for the basketball team? If you're not taking Peyton, then what are you going to do?"
"I'm not going. Everyone is bringing a date. I don't want to be the only..."
"Ask Jillian." She smiled, mischievously. "Just find out where it goes, you know you want to ask her, Jake."
He took his dish pan that he used to bus tables with and walked into the back to load them into the dishwasher. Haley laughed as she sat down on a stool and threw a dish towel at him.
"Thanks, Haley." She nodded.
Just as Jake was cleaning up in the back, Jillian entered the Cafe and sat in front of Haley, who was reading a clip from a newspaper.
"Hey, Jilly." Haley said it loud, making sure that Jake could hear her announcement of Jillian's entrance. Jillian just sat down, looking at her strangely.
"Hey, I'm on my break. I need coffee or I'm going to fall asleep."
Jake rounded the corner but moved back against the wall as he caught sight of Jillian; he didn't hear Haley before and was caught by surprise. He decided instead of finishing the cleaning, he was going to listen in on their conversation.
"So what's new? What book are you and Lucas reading this week?"
"Daisy Miller by Henry James. Luke has never read any of his work." Jillian took the cup that was offered to her. "Where's Jake? I know he's working."
"He's out back cleaning some stuff out."
"Must have seen me coming in." Jillian laughed to herself.
"What do you mean?"
"He's been avoiding me."
"You know, I have been meaning to ask you. What is going on between you guys? You two used to be joined at the hip, and now..."
Jillian took the sugar shaker and added in a couple spoonfuls. "All I know is that he is staying away. It's weird because even though we aren't dating or anything, just being around him use to make me feel... I don't know; not so lonely anymore."
"Why don't you tell him how you feel?" Haley felt she should charge for this service or make a TV show like Dr. Phil.
"I don't think he would like it so much. He made it clear when I came back that he had moved on." She laughed nervously. "I can't just stop loving him, you know?"
Jake felt like he was underwater; his chest felt so heavy. He hadn't heard her say that she loved him in so long, he felt like he wasn't going to breathe ever again. That's when he decided.
"I finished with the dishes, Hales; there are clean ones back there when you need them. Taking a break, Jill?"
"Yeah, nobody seems to want to buy books today."
"What time do you get off work?"
"I get off at three, why?"
"I have a basketball thing tonight and you have to bring someone with you. I was hoping that you would go with me. I know it's last minute..."
"What about Peyton? She's not going with you?" Jillian was testing the water, waiting for what Jake's response would be.
Jake's first instinct was to lie. "She just found out she's busy tonight. But if you can't go, it's okay if I miss it."
"No, I'll go with you. How should I dress?" This felt so weird to her. It almost sounded like Jake was trying to ask her out.
"It's the award banquet so something semi-nice."
Jillian was deep in thought. "I'm going to take off." She took a big gulp of her coffee. "I'll get that later, Hales. I need to use my break to go to the fabric store."
"What are you going to the fabric store for?" Jake implored.
"I don't have anything to wear. You'll see later."
The bell on the door signaled that she was gone. Haley looked over Jake who was smiling, leaning against the counter. When he saw Haley looking over at him, smiling as well, he could tell she was thinking "I told you so".
"Shut up." He said, playfully as he took off his apron, putting it on the counter.
Haley raised her hands in triumph. "Score one for Haley James!"
Jake was a nervous wreck, unsure of why he felt the way he did. It was only Jillian, after all; the same girl that played with him in the sprinklers when they were three, the same girl that gave him his first kiss and the first girl that he ever loved.
There was the reason; that love stuff that kept making his life complicated.
Jake was dressed and waiting in the living room, Jenny sitting on the couch, watching the Wiggles. He was dressed in a dark blue suit, a light blue shirt with a dark tie.
"Jillian!" He projected his voice up the stairs. He thought to himself about how girls are never ready on time; Peyton was the same way.
"Stop yelling I'm right here. I had to move the clothes into the dryer." Jillian was placing an earring back on. She stood straight and ran her hand over her hair. "Did you feed Jen?"
Jake couldn't speak. She looked so beautiful. After a moment he recovered enough to ask her about her clothes. "You made that?"
Jillian was wearing a black tango skirt with red roses, a red spaghetti strap shirt, a black choker, and black heels. Her hair was up in a bun, a large flower inside the bun.
"I made the skirt and the choker. I borrowed the shirt from Brooke."
"You look so beautiful, Jillian." All she could do was smile at him.
Alice entered, camera in hand. "You're Dad is going to be disappointed he didn't get to see you two dressed up. I wish I could go, too! Picture time."
Jake moved closer to Jillian, wrapping one arm around her. She looked at the arm around her shoulder, over at Jake, then at the camera, a smile on her face. He didn't smile, didn't look at Jillian. She thought that the only reason that they were talking was because Jake needed someone to go with, not because he wanted to go with her specifically. She felt like a second choice; his body language confirmed it all in her mind.
As they entered the hall, Jillian's fears were confirmed. The room was filled with glowing parents, basketball players and their egos, along with their trophy girlfriends and cheerleaders on their arms. Jillian felt more at of place than usual.
She saw Luke and waved at him. He saw her, waved back, looking at her with a weird expression on his face.
I'm here with Jake, she thought. I didn't even think about Lucas being here. Now she felt guilty. It was going to be a long night.
The music was playing but Jake and Jillian opted to sit on the side, watching and talking. Jake confided in her that he himself always felt weird in these social gatherings of the basketball team; he always felt like the team didn't understand him. It made sense to Jillian because both of them always were on the outside; they, since they were much younger, felt more comfortable around people older and not people their own age. They were always more mature than their age; more so now with Jenny.
"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?"
"Yes, I do believe you have said that a few times already, but a girl never minds hearing it again." She laughed, brushing a strand of hair near her face. "But have I told you how handsome you look tonight?"
"A boy never minds hearing it again." They both laughed and watched the players dancing with their dates.
"Do you ever wish you could be a part of their world?" He looked over at her after she said the statement, unsure of a motive to say something like that.
"Some of the guys are decent, like Lucas. But the rest... they let all this get to their heads. One day it might be all over and this is all they have to show for it. I'm glad I have more than just basketball."
He took her hand, unaware that he did so. She was taken aback by the gesture, unsure of what she should do herself. She let out a nervous laugh.
"Wow, I bet my make-up is all over the place. I had Brooke do it when I went to get the shirt but I ended up... toning it down a little. I'm going to go to the restroom."
Jillian stood in front of the sink, looking into the mirror. The night took a very interesting turn and she couldn't deal. It's what she had wanted since she was back home, but now, feeling like she was the fallback girl, Jake's friend date, the affection seemed staged or almost like a payment for coming along so he wasn't alone.
Jillian emerged from the restroom. She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach; she was nervous to go back and sit with Jake and spend the night here with him. She leaned against the wall next to the bathroom for a second to try to catch her breath. Two girls were leaving the bathroom and saw her with her hand on her stomach, taking a deep breath in. Jillian didn't notice them at first, until she heard them talking to each other about her.
"Hey, look. Wonder who knocked her up this time." The one girl laughed while Jillian looked up.
"Whore." The other girl covered her mouth and said it to her friend, who in turn looked over at Jillian and laughed.
Both girls walked out onto the dance floor, leaving Jillian still leaning on the wall. She heard enough stories about herself in school but never had she really seen the people telling them, and had things spoken right in front of her face. She felt the same way she did when people were saying those things about her when she was at St. Anne's, and again she felt so helpless to stop them.
"Hey, I snatched a drink off the adult table." He handed her a wine glass. She took it reluctantly. "Something wrong?"
"Nothing I haven't heard before." She wanted to be strong. He saw her gazing out past the dance floor where the same two girls were watching them, laughing and saying some to each other.
"Were they bothering you?"
Jillian didn't respond or indicate a yes or no but instead began to fiddle with the strap on her shoes. He moved closer to her, taking her gently by the shoulders, making her stand up straight. Jake brushed the strand of hair in front of her face out from her eyes.
"They say those things because they know you are better than them. You are the most beautiful girl here tonight. And at school... you put us all to shame, Jillian." He took her hand. "Dance with me?" Jake led her out onto the dance floor where a slow song was playing. He brought her close to him, letting her lean against his chest and shoulder while they swayed back and forth.
"Thank you for all those nice things you said." He nodded, holding her tighter.
They stayed only long enough for Whitey to make his usual speech, the awards and recognitions to be given out, and one more glass of wine for Jillian before leaving to go home. The ride home was pretty quiet; mostly the two talked about Jenny and things that had happened lately since they both hadn't really filled each other in on their lives. The only part that Jake left out, that Jillian knew of, was the split from Peyton.
They pulled into the driveway. "Stay put." Jake jumped out of the car and ran to the other side. He stood up straight and pulled on the handle, smiling as Jillian exited the car.
They both were walking up to the front door, standing side by side. "Tonight felt so much like-"
"Old times?"
He looked over at her. Jillian was walking with both hands holding onto her purse, which she was bouncing on her legs while she walked.
"Exactly. I wouldn't venture to say the banquet was fun, but I would say that it was fun spending time with you." They reached the front door.
"For once, I got to walk you to your front door."
Jake was standing in front of the door while Jillian was standing to the side a little. She stopped looking down at her shoes and looked up to find Jake staring down at her.
"Why are you looking at me?" She was beginning to feel a little self-conscious.
"Have I told you tonight how beautiful you are?" Jillian chuckled. He was so nervous and this time, he understood why he felt this way.
"I'm glad you told me again."
Still, as Jillian was waiting, Jake made no attempt to open the door. The air was chilly on her arms because she only had a light shawl on. Jake was staring down at his keys that he just fished out of his pockets. Jillian just watched him, not thinking about how tired she was, the cold, or Jenny. All she could do was stare at Jake and think about how much she loved him and how he had no idea that she was so completely in love with him.
Jake had turned to look at her again. She was unsure why they weren't in the house yet, but all she did was smile at him. He moved closer to her, standing in front of her. He ran his hand down her face and leaned down to kiss her. She wasn't expecting him to kiss her, but instead of pulling away she kissed him back without thinking of what they were doing.
