Bandit and the Bride

The scene changes yet again to show Yami, the fleeing bride, Kaiba, and Fred flying down a deserted street, just passing over an old concrete bridge.


"Uh, 28 years old andOh goodness, what's this?" Yami looked over to see that the bride had pulled the dress up over herselfa she she struggled to change clothes.

"I'll just tuck in right in. I was down here dancing in a home appliance show. II danced around three trash mashers."

Kaiba radioed in on the C.B., catching Yami's attention. "Talk to me, my boy."

The bride continued to talk. "I had this costume that lit up. And I only short-circuted once."

"Howdy there, good buddy." Yami answered.

"Where did you get that seat cover, son?"

"No. This ain't no seat cover-"

"Oh! So I was standing out in the parking lot..."

"-I'm sitting beside Lawrence of Arabia." Yami grinned, holding it over beside the bride's head as she rambled on, oblivious to what he was doing.

"...I met this guy. These can't be my pants. God, he was god looking, and he had this hat on."

Kaiba just listened and grinned.

"He was tall, and I think he was from Texas or something."

"Funny ain't she?" Yami said, then went about holding it over beside her again.

"..and I thought, 'I don't know, why don't you marry the guy? What else have you' "


Scene changes to show the sheriff car also zooming down the road.

"Nobody walks out on a pretty weddin' I set up."

"Right."

"I'm gonna get that girl and set everything straight. She insulted my town. She insulted my son."

The taller and dumber of the two continued to nod at everything he said. "Look, what if we"

"Shut up. She insulted my authority."

"Yeah."

"And that's nothing but pure and simple, old-fashioned communism. Happens everytime one of those dancers starts poontangin' around with those show-folk fags."


Scene changes back to Yami and the Bride.

"I mean I was halfway down the aisle, and I said to myself, 'Jesus Christ, what are you doing? His mother doesn't even have any teeth!'," Yami started laughing at that bit, the bride continued, "I jumped in this car, and it blew up on the side of the road. Then I ended up in this goddamn airplane. WHat do you do?" she asked, finally removing the dress to reveal that she wore high waisted light colored bell bottoms and a dark blue button up shirt.

Yami looked straight ahead and tried to keep a straight face when he said, "I don't remember."

"Oh, are we on the air?" She asked, noticing the contraption in Yami's hand.

"Sort of. Yeah."

"You think I'm nuts, don't you?" she grunted, adjusting herself in her seat with the gown stll behind her to make herself more comfortable.

"No, I don't think you're crazy. I picked up three brides yesterday, just like you, very subdued."

Kaiba thought it best to intervene at that point. "Hey, what" he laughed, "What's goin' on up there? Come back, Bandit."

She stopped brushing her hair. "Bandit?" she asked. "Is that your name or your profession?"

"That's my handle. Yami's my real name. What's your name?"

"Tea."

It was Kaiba again. "Hey, is she wearing a... wedding dress?"

Tea tossed it out the window and the bursts of wind carried it to who knows where.

"She was." Yami answered.

"What's she wearin' now? Come back." he asked, chuckling.

Yami laughed.

"Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that woman's got on! Her mind?" Hahahahahaha! Ten-four!" Kaiba finished, getting cheeky.


Scene changes back to the sheriff and the moron.

"No coozie's gonna leave me in no church. Decoratin' up a whole town at a cost of 40. (A/N: Remember, that was a LOT a dinero back then...)

"Right."

The sheriff rolled his eyes. "I can see her now, runnin' back up that aisleNo, she was dancin' back up the aisle, her knockers bouncin' around all over the joint." and he lifted up both hand just for perverted emphasis. The other grabbed ahold of the steering wheel. "Let go of that wheel. Why, her ass was wigglin' too."


Scene goes back to Yami and Tea...thank God...

"Why so fast? Ya late for a big bowling date?"

"Cute."

"So, tell me about yourself." Tea said, striking up conversation.

"What do you wanna know, my sign?"

"No, I mean, uh, what do you do besides drive fast?"

"Have fun."

"Is this fun?"

"Drivin'?"

"Oh, driving, talking to me."

"Well, they're both a challenge."

"You've got a great profile."

"Yeah, I do, don't I?" Yami said, looking in the rear view mirror. "Especially from the side."

"Well at least we finally agree on something."

"Yeah. We both like half my face."

They turned a corner and wound up driving in the opposite lane as they did so, and just happened to pass by a police car.

"Hey, would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?" Tea asked, turning in her seat.

"Hmm. Yes it would. He's takin' a ten-100."

"Well, at least it's better than a ten-200."

They both laughed as the sound of the sirens got closer to them.

"Smokey." Yami stated.

"Smokey." Tea repeated.

Yami nodded slightly and slammed on the brakes, making the car do a 36o and turn onto a dusty dirt road, kicking up dust as the siren continued to wail. The cop was not as successful in the sudden turn, it slowed him down.

"Is this fun?" Tea asked.

"I forgot to tell ya," Yami began, "I'm uh, runnin' blocker for 400 cases of illegal Coors."

Tea didn't say anything as they slid into a turn, with dust flying up every which way, making it harder to see where Yami was driving. The cop didn't fare much better, either, because the dust hadn't settled as he turned.

Up ahead, was a boy sitting on an old wooden dock fishing in the pond. Yami was able to manuever the car so that it was maybe a fraction of a hairline from going in. However, the boy cleared the dock as the approaching sirens and a blue police car came tearing through, unable to stop until it landed in the water.

"Holy shit." was all Tea could say.

Back at the partially submereged wreckage, the chubby officer, well now soaking wet chubby officer, climbed out of the passenger window grunting, "I don't believe this. Funny, I don't remember that turn."

Kaiba got back on the C.B. "Bandit, where in the hell are you?"

"I'll be back on the highway in a second."

"All right, good buddy. I'll keep my eyes peeled."

Afte getting back on the road, Yami fiddled with the C.B. "Them things are fabulous."

"I think I just went ten-100." Tea said.

"Well, it's better than ten-200." he replied."

"That's true." Tea said as Yami laughed.

Back in the rig, Kaiba was singing. "Well, the more wheels I got the better I like it. I'm a rowdy truck-drivin' mother.Boogity, bogity, boogity, boogity." Then he blew the horn.

"Snowman, you got your ears on?"

"You lucky devil, you got him. Where the hell are you?"

"I'm on a two-lane blacktop. Uh, highway marker number 71. How's our time doin'?"

"Oh, how are we doin' on time? Doin' about 25 minutes ahead of schedule. Come back."

"What's your 20?" Yami asked.

"Oh, I'm about four miles ahead of you, turkey," Kaiba grinned.

"Ha. Not for long," Yami laughed.

"Breaker, breaker to the bandit." came on from the C.B.

Yami answered. "Come on back, breaker."

"Bandit, I've got a Smokey report for you. Come on." replied the unknown speaker.

"Well, talk to me good buddy."

"You've got trouble comin'."

"Well, what's your handle, son, and uh, what's your 20?"

"My handle's Smokey Bear, and I'm tail-grabbin' you rass right now."

Tea and Yami turned around to see that the sheriff was behind them. "Goddamn. That's a Texas mountie. What the hell's he doin' in Arkansas?"

"I don't know." Tea replied rather quickly.

"Well, let's just see what he's got under the hood." Yami said, hitting the gas and speeding off. "Bye, bye baby." he sang. But the sheriff with the handle Smokey Bear wasn't going to give up that easily.

As Yami got closer to the rig, he radioed in to Kaiba. "Kaiba, you got your ears on, son?"

"Oh, bring it on you lucky devil."

"Comin' around you. Over."

"Look, be careful. You're gonna have to make your own lane, buddy, 'cause you definitely got oncoming traffic. Be careful. Be careful."

Yami took the advice and decided to see for himself as he tried sliding into the left hand lane. There wasn't a break for miles the way traffic was lined up. A few cars every second.

Tea caught on to what Yami was doing and jumped out of her seat, saying "Oh, myOh my God!" and sticking her butt in the air, looking out the back window so that she wouldn't have to watch the oncoming cars come closer and closer to the one she was in.

The horns from passenger were honking, telling Yami that it was a no go that way. "I'm about to be killed in thisin this moving C.B. radio show, and II don't even have a handle!" Tea whimpered, gripping the seats so hard her knuckles turned a whole new shade of white.

"You want a handle? Okay, I'll think one up for ya." Yami said as they went over a bump, making Tea go "Ooh!"

By that point Yami had abandoned the thought of going into the left-hand lane and decided to drive in the ditch instead. "Let's see. Oh, I got one for ya!"

"What?"

"Uh...just give me a minute here."

"Ooh! Oh!" Tea was getting bumped around the car in the position she was in. Partly beacuse Yami had just torn through five or six mailboxes as he got back on the highway.

"He done good, didn't he Fred?" Kaiba asked his dog, watching them swerve back onto the road. Fred barked.

Tea had finally gotten back into a normal seating position. "What?" she asked, referring to what Yami had mentioned about a handle for her.

"Frog."

"Why?"

"'Cause you're always hoppin' around, and you're kinda cute like a frog, and I'd like to jump ya." Yami finished, glancing at Tea with a cheeky grin.

Elfbrat18: Yes...very OOC...lol

Whistler: This might be it for a while, but we'll try to update as much as we can. I know, we are so evil for doing this, but wouldn't it make a great series or somethin'?