Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all of the characters belong to JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing them.
Chapter 4: Promises and Vows
The drive back to the Potters' was deadly silent. Peter, Sirius and Remus sat in the backseat, and James sat up front with Lily. He kept his hand on her knee the whole ride back, but she didn't seem to notice. She stared determinedly at the road and gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white. James glanced at her every few minutes, his face attentive and concerned; he could see she was fighting to concentrate and not to cry.
It only took 40 minutes to get back to James's house. He wasn't sure if it was because Lily was simply a faster driver than her sister, or because she was trying so hard to hide the fact that her mind was racing, but James suspected the latter. When she parked the car, he climbed out of the front seat and walked around to the driver's side. Lily hadn't moved to get out, so James opened her door.
"Come on, Lils…it won't do to stay in the car." He reached for her arm and she let him help her out of her seat. She walked around the back of the car to the trunk and pulled her overnight bag out, which James took from her and slung over his shoulder.
Mrs. Potter came out the front door looking baffled. "What are you doing back so soon?" she called to James.
"I'll explain, Prongs" Sirius said as he nodded reassuringly at James. "You just get her upstairs."
"Thanks, mate," James said, and he led Lily to the front door as Sirius approached Mrs. Potter. James looked back as they walked through the front door and saw his mother's hands fly to her mouth, her eyes wide in horror.
Lily sat on her bed when they reached her room, and James set her bag on the floor.
"Are you hungry at all?" he asked tentatively.
Lily shook her head, staring unseeingly in front of her.
"Thirsty?"
"No."
James sat next to her on the bed and put his hand on her lower back. "Do you wanna lie down for a bit?"
Lily looked up at him and nodded.
"Okay then…lie back and I'll tuck you in." James stood as Lily scooted back onto the bed and laid her head on the pillow. He bent down and kissed her forehead, and her green eyes looked up at him.
"Will you stay with me?" she asked, her voice cracking.
James gave her a small smile. "Of course, Love." He climbed onto the bed and lay down next to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.
"James?" she whispered.
"Hm?" he murmured, pulling back to look at her.
"What am I going to do?" She bit her lip and her eyes shone with tears. "I've got nothing left."
"Don't say that," James replied, smoothing her hair back from her face. "You've got me. I'm going to take care of you, I promise."
Lily let her tears fall on the pillow and a sob escaped her. She buried her face in James's shoulder, and he held her close while she cried.
"I'll always take care of you."
Lily surprised James as the next few days went on. Despite her initial shock and breakdown after the death of her father, and permanent incapacitation of her mother, she had soon pulled herself together and took all of the arrangements into her own hands.
After a quiet and somber Christmas morning at the Potters', James and Lily had taken a trip to St. Mungo's. Mrs. Evans was there, and Lily wanted to make sure she stayed there. The last thing she needed was for her mother to be moved to a Muggle hospital, or worse, and institution. The Muggles wouldn't know what to do with her, and Lily pictured terrible experiments being done to figure it out; at least at St. Mungos they knew nothing could be done to heal her, and that all they could do was make sure she was fed and sheltered until her body died.
Lily had signed papers and forms stating that she was entrusting her mother's care to the healers of St. Mungo's and she was not to be moved elsewhere without Lily's permission. Although Mrs. Evans was not a witch, her daughter was and since her injuries were magical, she was permitted to reside there.
James's parents had offered to pay for the funeral, since the Evanses, though not poor, had not left their daughters with much to get by on in the event of their deaths. Lily had thanked them profusely, and then single-handedly planned her father's funeral. James had gone with her when she went to the funeral home and chose a casket, but Lily handled everything herself. She had chosen a plot in a cemetery not far from her home, and she chose one for her mother as well.
"Hopefully she won't be here for much longer," Lily had said, looking at the ground that would soon encase her father's body. "She shouldn't have to live like that…I just want her to be at peace."
A lawyer had shown up at the door the day after Christmas and informed Lily that she needed to return to her home. The house had been left to Petunia, but she was putting it up for sale, so Lily needed to get all of her belongings out.
The trip hadn't been as bad as James had imagined it would be. Lily had cried when she'd seem the inside of the house in shambles, but she had packed her things quickly; James suspected that she hadn't wanted to stay there longer than necessary. One the way out, she had stopped to take one last look around and grabbed the cracked picture of the family from the floor. She hadn't looked at it; instead she tucked it away into one of her bags. James had a feeling that it would stay hidden, and that Lily would be looking at it alone later.
Lily had attempted to contact Petunia to let her know when the funeral would be, and to tell her that she hoped Petunia would come, but it had turned into a very messy run-in with Petunia's fiancée, Vernon. He had told her in very rude terms that Petunia would not be attending the funeral and that Lily was not to contact them again. They wanted nothing to do with "Lily's sort of people" and were planning to stay far away from her. This phone call had led to another breakdown, and James had spent several hours in Lily's bedroom with her, consoling her and telling her that none of this was her fault, that her sister was just ignorant and would regret it someday.
Now, on December 28, James stood beside Lily at the graveside service for her father. Though Peter and Remus had returned home shortly after arriving at the Potter's on Christmas Eve, Sirius had stayed at James's and was also attending the funeral. He stood to the right of Lily, and James was on her left.
She wasn't crying, but her green eyes were filled with sorrow and they had lost their sparkle. She had on a black skirt, nylons, a headband, and shoes, and a gray wool pea-coat, and she looked smaller than usual, though James wasn't sure why. The only color on her was her eyes, which stood out on her pale face, and her dark red hair, which was lightly sprinkled with the snow that had begun falling only minutes earlier.
James took her hand a squeezed it. Lily looked up at him and squeezed back, but looked away when the minister began to speak.
"We are gathered here today to remember Richard Phillip Evans. He was born…"
James looked around at the other people there. Although there weren't many, the ones who were there all looked genuinely upset by the situation. Lily had introduced James to her father's boss and his wife earlier when they had come to give her their condolences. They had also handed her an envelope, which Lily had politely slid into her pocket. They were standing on the other side of the casket now, both of them pale. James knew that Lily had told everyone that her father had suffered a heart attack, and that her mother had endured a nervous breakdown as a result. It was all Muggles, and she knew they wouldn't understand the truth.
Lily remained solemn throughout the service, not shedding one tear. When it was ending, she stepped forward and threw the rose she had been holding onto the casket, as did the pallbearers and James and Sirius. They had barely known Mr. Evans, having only met him once, but Lily had asked them to do it. The casket was lowered into the ground, and Lily threw the first handful of dirt into the hole, her face set as she fought tears.
When the service was over, the small crowd dissipated. Several people came up to Lily to tell her how sorry they were, and to ask about her mother. She explained that her mother was at a spa recovering and hadn't felt she could handle the funeral. The people had nodded sympathetically and moved on, and James had seen in Lily's face how much she hated to lie to the people who meant well.
Eventually it was only Lily, James and Sirius left in the cemetery. Lily stood next to the pile of dirt which covered her father and stared at it, her eyes flashing in anger.
"Lily, are you alright?" James asked her quietly.
"No," she replied. "No, I'm not."
James stood next to her and looked at the grave. It didn't have a headstone; they weren't putting one in until the spring.
"It's going to be okay," James whispered. "I promise you'll be okay."
"He ripped my entire family from me," Lily said bitterly.
"I know, Love," James said quietly. He glanced at Sirius, who was standing back a bit, his eyes sad and concerned.
"He took so much in the single wave of a wand, in the Kiss of a dementor. Even my sister hates me." She bit her lip hard. "I should have been there to protect them. It was me he wanted."
"No, Lily…it's not your f-"
"It is, though, James," she cut him off. "He came looking for me, he didn't care about them. If I had been there, I could have held him off, and they could have escaped." She narrowed her eyes. "He wanted me because I'm a Mudblood; they could have gotten away."
"Lily, stop," Sirius said angrily. "You blaming yourself isn't going to help anything!"
Lily spun to face Sirius, her face contorted in an agonized rage. "Don't start with me, Sirius! You have no idea what it feels like to know you're the reason your family has been destroyed! I know I can't go through my life letting this define me, I know it's not going to bring them back, but I'll never be able to forget that they're gone because of me!"
Sirius shook his head, but didn't reply, and Lily turned back to the grave.
"No more," she said, setting her jaw determinedly. "Voldemort will never take something I love again, not without a fight. Never. I'm going to make sure of that."
The bedroom was so spacious that even five suitcases, two trunks and a duffel bag didn't clutter it at all. Lily sat on the edge of her bed and stared at them, wondering why she had bothered to pack all of this. She couldn't take it to Hogwarts; she was only allowed one trunk. Mrs. Potter had told her she could keep them here, in this bedroom, but Lily felt dumb. She didn't have a home to put all of her things in, so why bother having them?
She stood and walked over to the duffel bag. It was holding all of her toiletries, and all she wanted to do was brush her teeth and go to bed. She found her toothbrush and was about to walk down the hall to the bathroom when she saw something peeking out from under her bottle of shampoo. She dug in the bag and pulled it out. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes as she looked at the picture in the frame.
It had been taken the year before. Her parents had wanted a professional photo of the family taken before Petunia left for college. Lily looked at the faces of her family, faces more familiar than any others she knew. Faces she would never see again.
Lily set the picture on her dresser, dropped her toothbrush on the floor and stood against the wall, sliding down to the floor and curling up as small as she could to cry.
A/N: Once again, I'm sorry for the wait while I was on break. I'm also sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I've started working on chapter 5, "Midnight Musings," and I'll get that up as soon as I can. I've got two exams this week and my boyfriend is coming to visit, but I'll do my best. Please review! I want to know you're out there!
