A/N: I could have probably cut this down into a couple short chapters, but since I've had it written for a while, I wanted to just get it out there and let everyone who isn't Holly read it.
I really do hope that you enjoy this and I apologize if there is actually anyone out there following this story. I'll tell you that I am close to finishing the next chapter. But as a college student, (any anyone in this boat can tell you) it's been hard making time for this while I tentatively concentrate on my studies and try and get more fluent in the West Wing online community.
That being said, I have to give my standard thanks to Holly for being my beta, editor, chauffeur, Wednesday night buddy, Friday night buddy, and general writing consultant.
Hope everyone has a really good day or night!! And I shamelessly add at the end (Okay…little shameful) that I would love to hear people's feedback. Whether you like it or not. You can post a review or email me at smiles4303@aol.com.
Kimmie
Chapter Four
Wednesday went by without much of a hitch. Things at the office were typical: Donna came, she bantered with Josh, she bantered with the rest of the staff, she did work, she bantered with Josh, she saw Amy, she grew inwardly jealous of Amy, she filed, she bantered with Josh, she wrote a memo, had a last bout of bantering with Josh, and concluded the day by going home.
Donna was pleased. For the moment her life was seemingly to make sense. She was comforted by the normalcy; reveled in it. If she took the time to take a step back and look at her life at current standings, she didn't know what she would do. It had been so long since she had really examined herself and she wasn't sure she wanted to. There was a comfort in ignorance.
Republicans might be on to something.
Thursday seemed the day for self-reflection.
Morning began like all others with the exception that it was the final one that Donna would have waking up with her old roommate. Though there would be boxes till Friday afternoon, she was technically living alone until Saturday morning. Secretly, there was joy in meeting the person that she had spent eight hours over the past two days conversing with. Donna was also enjoying the prospect of having a couple nights all to herself for some much-needed alone time.
She wasn't given much time to muse over these thoughts since Josh yelling when he walked into the bullpen. She could tell that this was not the time for banter.
He was screaming into the phone. He knew that. He also knew that everyone was staring at him. It wasn't until he saw the look of complete shock on Donna's face did he realize that the whole West Wing had just heard him call the person on the other end a "conniving fucking little bitch." Josh was just glad that no one knew whom he was referring to.
"Josh!" The man on the phone screamed. "Dammit! I'm not a bitch and I wasn't conniving! I've always felt this way and you know it. Even if I still worked there, you know that I would have gone to the President with this position on 702. So fuck you!"
Sam was right. Bless his heart, but the former Deputy Communications Director was always the idealist, this time no exception. Josh simply had to look at the logical implications. Sam was speaking again. "And damn you too, you ass! I was merely calling to give you heads up. After agreement on 595 at Ebbits the other day, I didn't want you getting too cocky." Then he emphasized. "You cocky whore!"
The White House Deputy Chief of Staff was able to make it to his office and slam the door shut before bursting out into laughter. "Whore?" He was laughing so hard he didn't know if he would be able to make it to his desk.
Seaborn, in contrast, was not. He was a combination of embarrassed and irritated by the other man's reaction. "Well, you…you called me a bitch. So are you mad or not?"
Josh couldn't help it and continued to chuckle. "Pissed. Your timing is bad and you knew it's would be a close one."
"So…you don't want to go out for drinks on Friday anymore?" Sam was determined to never allow politics to ruin their friendship. Josh and Sam had discussed this from inauguration day.
Josh sighed. The humor of being called a 'cocky whore' was finally wearing off. "No." A moment of silence passed. He could tell that Sam was shocked and most certainly uncomfortable with the thought that Josh was really going to hold this against him on a personal level. "How about Saturday night, bitch?"
The air was clear. "Sounds good." Sam hesitated before begrudgingly giving the other man what he wanted. "Cocky whore."
Josh knew that Donna was standing outside the door as soon as he got off the phone. He also knew that she sensed his tension and wouldn't try and come in with her cute little morning anecdote or lesson of obscure or Donna-ized history and the like. With a sigh, he braced himself for the day. "Donna!"
She came in the room seconds later. "You bellowed?"
He spent the next few minutes endlessly naming of a list of tasks to be completed as soon as possible. Upon conclusion, he finally looked up to meet her gaze. "It was Sam." He didn't need the question.
She acted as though it was of no importance to her, but it was. "He's not with you on 702."
"Yeah. I know," He knew it wasn't an epiphany. It was just a great big inconvenience he could do without.
"Anything else?" She then began to smirk as she replayed in her mind the conversation that had transpired outside.
"What?"
"Bitch?"
Josh shrugged. It was a sheepish shrug that said 'I know it was dumb and please don't tell on me'. "He called me a cocky whore."
Donna was able to save herself from laughing, but couldn't stop herself from an amused sneer. "Well, you are cocky."
A blink. "Donna!"
"And we know you reputation as one of the playboys of Washington political power dating."
"D-Did you just call me a cocky whore?" He couldn't help it. A day with no banter was a day of no living.
His assistant handed him all he needed for morning Staff. "Well…I wouldn't say…" She then paused to tilt her head to one side and mockingly consider her position.
"C'mon!" Josh demanded playfully. "Stop dragging it out and just admit you were, all ready."
As he reached for the doorknob, Donna grabbed his hand for the slightest moment. "I like 'arrogant slut', myself. But I do see the merits in 'cocky whore'. Kinda catchy."
In so many ways, that was the highlight of the day.
*~*~*
"You have Amy in fifteen."
Josh's eyes grew wide. "Huh?" He hadn't spoken with her since their fight the other night. He figured it best to give it time so she would let the dust settle and they could move on. Apparently it wasn't the consensus.
Donna slowed her speech down drastically and made sure to enunciate extra carefully. "You. Have. Amy. In. Fifteen. Minutes."
He merely glared at her.
She merely shrugged and walked out.
He cleared his throat and began searching for all his ammo. He knew that he would have time enough. Fifteen minutes was the time that took to prove him right.
Amy came in dressed as impeccable and professional as always. She also came in with the air and the look in her eyes that Josh dreaded. He knew that she was ready to throw the punches. "Josh." Her tone was cool and he could sense her calculating every detail of her surrounds. Amy Gardner was a political animal.
Josh stood up from his desk and gestured to the chair across from him. "Amy." He bestowed the same tone. "Can Donna bring you anything?"
"Maybe a boyfriend that isn't such an arrogant ass." He wasn't so sure about that, but decided that it was time to shut the door. She kept on. "Maybe someone that deserves the title of White House Deputy Chief of Staff."
"I don't know," He snapped as soon as the door was closed. "She seems to prefer Republicans. Consequently, if you think they would do a better job, you should change your vote in four years."
"The way you're acting, maybe you should simply change your party affiliation, Josh. Oh wait!" She feigned a sudden burst of shock. "You just get the members of Congress to do that for you to save time."
Anger didn't even begin to describe how he was feeling. As his face grew redder, he did his best to swallow down the yells that were surging around his Adam's Apple. It took several minutes before he spoke once again in an almost eerily calm tone. "I don't believe that personal snipes are going to help you in your cause."
"No," She openly admitted. "I don't believe you are going to help in my cause."
A blink.
"What?"
"I'm working for Schneider, now."
If there was a name of a Democratic Senator that made his insides twist in knots more, he didn't want to meet them. He certainly didn't want to have once been his friend. "Schneider." He couldn't help but hiss the name.
"He agrees with my position and has been working close with the Women's Coalition."
He understood. "He's running for President."
She was acting coy. "I don't know. It didn't come up in our discussions."
It was really hitting home now. "He's running for President and he's looking for a… a wife."
Her gaze grew even darker. "I don't work that way. He's simply looking for someone to help strengthen support among women."
He couldn't deal with this at work. "Later." He shook his head in defiance. "Tonight…I can't do this now."
"You're not going to work on my position any?" She really expected some compromising.
"Get your head out of your feministic ass and look around! We can't do it all."
"You can do this." She refused to back down that easily. In actuality, she refused to back down at all.
"Not if we want to do anything else in our last four years." He stood up and walked to the door. "I have a busy day. We can talk about this tonight."
Amy was furious. He was blowing her off. No. She wasn't going to take this lying down.
Josh didn't know if he could take it standing up. But work had to be done. And he breathed a sigh of relief as the brunette woman stormed out.
Josh was given a few minutes before Donna walked in. She could see that he was troubled, but was oblivious to the extent. "So, is all forgiven for the haircut catastrophe?"
Explanation lay in his eyes. Confusion lay within hers. "Should I clear you from your next meeting? Its just Toby and Leo on the Mendelssohn remarks."
He nodded. His body was pumped full of emotions that he couldn't define. A part of him wanted to scream and throw things and another wanted to break down and cry. Life sucked and politics was only the condensed version.
She turned to leave. "Donna?" A whisper was all he could produce.
"Yeah?" Her eyes traveled back to him.
"I…" He didn't know why this upset him so much. It wasn't the fact that he and Amy were on the outs. For good. And it wasn't so much that she turned to Schneider though he hated the man with a fiery passion. It was that in those few seconds, he realized how pathetic his life had become. "What am I doing?"
Her gaze softened considerably. "You're fighting to make this country a better place for all its citizens. You're working to better all aspects of this nation while instilling the basic principles of democracy and freedom. You're--"
"No," he said raising one hand in the air. "I mean what am I doing?"
She paused then said ever so gently. "You're sitting at your desk realizing that you are breaking up with your girlfriend?"
"Kay." Neither one knew what else to say. He gestured that she was free to go now and she utilized the opportunity. Yup. Life sucked.
*~*~*
The day flew by. Things didn't get better and Donna and Josh didn't speak again of anything on a personal level. Tension was high, not only among the two of them, but the entire building, and she was glad to finally be in the comfort of her own home where she no longer had to answer to anyone.
Except herself.
And there were questions to be answered.
"I mean what am I doing?" That question had been in her mind all day now. After the conversation with Josh, she realized that she didn't have an answer for herself. Life wasn't what she had expected it to be; what she wanted.
She was getting ready to turn thirty and she had no idea where her life stood. She had nothing that she had decided long ago that she wanted, except a stable job. A stable job with an expiration date.
School had been on her mind. She wanted to go to college and complete a degree in something, but the realization that she had no way to do that and support herself was a predicament. No one could contest that Josh Lyman was a great man and gave her stability in her financial standing, mind no governmental shutdowns, but she knew that she wouldn't be working for him forever. Mainly because she knew that Josh Lyman's current job was on an expiration date as well.
Josh Lyman. That name brought forth issues that needed to be dealt with. Issues she wanted to push far far away and try her hardest to forget about.
Her relationships, Josh included, brought forth worrisome thoughts.
She wasn't close to her family. Anything but; she was literally shocked speechless when she was given an invitation to her own sister's wedding. Maybe you could blame the education, but more Donna laid blame of her family's disappointed expectations. They had expected Donna to follow their own beliefs. She couldn't change the fact that she would never be fit into their world.
That left her friends. Throughout the years, she had made plenty. She was easy to get along with and found comfort in being with other people. But they weren't her friends. They weren't the ones that she turned to in her times of need and in her times of great joy. Hell, they weren't even the ones she turned to on a boring Saturday. It was a select group of people that she had met nearly six years ago. A group of people assembled from professional men and women who were dedicated to getting a certain gentleman with elitist ideals and goals elected to the most prestigious office in the nation. They were her colleagues and-in most cases-her superiors. They were her friends. And she was scared about what would happen when the time came for them to go their separate ways.
The President and the entire First family were people that she had come to know and love. She had shared meals and lively discussions with all and she knew that she would always miss it once it was gone, but she had already counted on it. Donna was not quite naïve enough to believe that the First Family would be sending her Thanksgiving invitations five years down the road.
Toby had become a friend. She could count on him to be in her corner and to always tell her his honest opinion. She didn't know if she had considered him that close of a friend, but the day that he told her of the President's multiple scoliosis, she realized it was so. She had no idea where Toby planned to go, but she banked on the fact that it wasn't anywhere near her.
CJ. CJ was a girlfriend. Donna loved the consideration. The Press Secretary was, in Donna's opinion, one of the most respectable women in the world. She could count on her to listen and she could count of her to comfort. Donna knew that, like all of her friends, CJ was out of her league and in four years she would have to move on and find someone new to share her problems with.
Margaret was another girlfriend. Margaret was a strangle lady that few figured out. She had to sadly admit that she wasn't as scared of losing Margaret as she was the others. In some ways, she felt that Margaret might be feeling a lot of the emotions that were in her mind. She just knew that she would miss seeing her every morning.
Leo was almost a surrogate father to her. She had adopted Josh's philosophy in that respect: Leo was the one that you wanted to please and pleasing him was the way to please yourself. Leo was the one you turned to when you were truly afraid, and Leo was the one you rushed to defend when trouble was coming. She remembered the times that she had called the Chief of Staff when she was worried about Josh after the shooting. She knew something was wrong and Leo was the only one that she felt would feel all of her fear. He did. They spent many nights deciding whether or not the time was right to address the situation openly. She always felt a she could turn to him for a guiding light.
She knew that she could count on Sam. If she was honest, she had two best friends: Sam Seaborn and Josh Lyman. Sam was just…Sam. He had a heart of gold and would do anything, anything, to protect her. The feeling was mutual. They could talk. They could just be. There was no tension and no desire for anything more. Though he is downright gorgeous with a personality that is too sexy for words. Sam was the archetype for the perfect platonic friend. She knew that Sam felt the same; he had told her directly. Donna was simply afraid that as Sam moved forward in his political career, which Donna knew was far from over, they would drift from their current standings. It unnerved her to consider.
Unnerve. That wasn't nearly good enough to describe her feelings about Josh. Josh was…Josh was everything and more to her. In her opinion, Joshua Lyman was the root of all evil and the source of all good. The thought of losing him was enough to make her physically ill. And it has. Not just with the shooting. On occasion embarrassment has wrought her about having dreams where her and Josh have parted, mainly on bad terms. Then she's awoken in time to haul herself to the bathroom to vomit. It frightened her, and still does, to think about what she's going to do without him.
Josh is her boss. Working for him has been the joy of her life. He is unbearable. He is a jackass. But he is a good man with good principles and dedication. She admires him. Even when he completely screws up, she still admires him. She could never blame him for the stupid things he says or does, because she feels he's right; he's brave enough to do what no one else will. Of course, she would never let him know because he is also egotistical and arrogant.
Josh is also her friend. Josh is there to defend her and Josh is there to point out when she's wrong. Even more than Sam, she knows that Josh would do anything for her; he would run to do anything before Sam had the opportunity to step up and volunteer. They fight and bicker like an old married couple. Neither one of them has been oblivious to the fact that the comparison has been made. There hasn't been a girl in Washington that he's dated that hasn't come to ask if something was between them.
But Josh's more than those simple titles. He was more to her than she could describe. There was only one statement that she could think of that would put into perspective how important that one simple-minded, arrogant, cocky, uncontrollable, kind-hearted, loyal, whiny, jackass of a man.
"I love him." Donna's eyes went wide with the admission. She had hardly taken time to admit it to herself in the privacy of her own deluded and deranged mind. Speaking it out loud gave substance that she wasn't yet ready to handle.
"I do not!" She said to the empty air in attempts to change what had been done. To un-break the heart that she had just condemned to longing and desire and would never be sated. "I do not!" Her conviction was already waning.
She tried to hide her dampened face from the vacant room. She tried to hide herself from…herself. "I…do…" She couldn't form the last word as she broke into strangled sobs. "Oh God." Realization finally hit her and she felt like she was drowning with no one to save her. Her life was out of her control and there was nowhere to go but down.
"Josh," was the last word she formed before she released the pressure inside herself and let her cries free for the entire world to hear. There were several causes for the hurt, the pain and the utter confusion in her life, but she would make sure that there would be one source of blame.
*~*~*
Josh cleared his throat with conviction as he walked across the threshold of his townhouse. He knew that this would have to be how it ended. Short and quick like a band-aid. That should make the pain last not as long. "Honey, I'm home." He was determined to take the carefree approach instead of being baited by her barbs and snipes.
Amy had figured that he would count on her being here. She figured that he was gearing up for the latest break-up speech. She had a few words of her own. "Hey." That was all she managed when she met his gaze. She was disappointed not to see more fire in it.
"So," He looked around the room uncertain. "What's the plan? Arguing? Breaking up? Making up?"
His girlfriend rolled her eyes. "And I sometimes wonder how I don't see you charm."
He dropped his bag. He really wanted to get this over with. He hoped to find a bottle of vodka in the back. He really needed a drink, delicate system be damned. "Get off it, will ya? You're no better than me Amy. You date men here so you can get power, so you can get your issues heard in some fashion. I date women around here for some of the same leverage. I'm just decent enough to admit it."
She narrowed her gaze. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying…" What am I saying? But the words finally came. "I'm saying that I don't believe this relationship has profit anymore. To neither one of us. So let's just cut our losses and move on."
"Profit?" Irate couldn't even begin to express her situation. "We were dating, Josh. Note the past tense. But you…profit. You think you were just a fucking business negotiation?"
He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. That was exactly what he thought it had become.
"First it was…convenience. Then comfort and more importantly profit. Yes." Not the answer that he probably should have given, but he was proud of his honesty.
"There were a lot more fucking 'convenient' men out there than you."
He smirked. "But I had all you wanted rolled into one. Who else were you going to find to help court the President aside from dating Leo?" He had to shudder at that thought a little.
"You arrogant, conniving…" Her anger was impairing her speech.
He couldn't believe how easy he was taking this. This is way too easy. It shouldn't be this easy. I don't want it to be this easy. "Think I've heard before." Stop being so laid-back, you ass! You normally get a little upset when you break up with her! Or any other girl. Stop acting so…jackass!
"Jackass!" Amy was now scurrying over to gather her purse and belongings. "You know what, Josh. I see why Mandy and your exes all had vendettas against you. You really are insufferable." She turned to give him a final look. "It's going to make watching you go down, all the more enjoyable." With that, she was gone.
It took about ten minutes before Josh realized what he had done. He had not only let loose one of the most powerful avengers for women's rights. He had let her loose bloodthirsty and ready to kill anything with Josh Lyman in proximity. He had also, more importantly, killed another romantic relationship.
He wanted to blame Amy, and he was sure that he could, but he had to admit that he was wanting out of this relationship for a while. Even before Sam talked to him over lunch, he had been thinking the exact same thing.
"I don't need anyone." He couldn't help but talk to himself as he raided the refrigerator.
"I'm not some Donna-esque person who needs to be in a romantic relationship to feel I have worth." He stopped. He was alone, but he regretted the words. "She doesn't need a guy. She feels like she does…And she's wrong. But I don't need that." He went to the cabinet where he kept the liquor. That was what he needed.
He knew that it wasn't so simple. Having a relationship kept his mind off of other things. Or at least in theory. When he was dating other women he shouldn't think about ones that he had no future with. "Like you had a future with Amy," he snorted. His mind started to drift.
"No!" He said slamming the newfound bottle of vodka on the counter and running a hand through his hair. "Stop, dammit! You don't have anything with her, either." He sighed as he hopped up on the counter and began to screw the lid off the bottle. "We can't. We won't. End of story." He took a long chug of clear liquid to further emphasize the statement.
Then the phone rang. He glowered at it before taking another gulp. He hoped that whoever it was would get the message. He was wrong. Instead of leaving a message, the person hung up and called right back.
"Bloody hell," He grumbled, taking a sip before hopping down and walking to the telephone. "Look," He growled upon answering. "I have nothing else to say. If you want to add something else, you can just make a goddamn fucking appointment!" Another swig.
"Have you heard of thing called caller ID?"
A pause. A struggle to swallow. "Leo?"
The older man sighed. "Josh, really. Do you answer your phone like that often?"
"No." He was already rubbing his temples. Four drinks and he was already beginning to feel tipsy. "You seem to be on the other end every time I try."
"Good. I'd rather it be me instead of someone from the Majority's Office."
"Yeah." Josh didn't mean to be flippant, but he needed a purpose to chat tonight. He took a real long chug, immediately regretting considering the man on the other line.
"I need you to get back here." Before the younger man could contest or comment, Leo continued. "It's important."
"What?" Josh sounded harsher than intended, but there was no Congressional dispute that wouldn't wait till Friday morning to solve.
"Not on the phone." His tone was direct.
Josh knew it had to be national security. "Kay," he absently nodded as he began to mentally organize how he was going to get to work. As pathetic as he thought, he might need to call a cab. He just might be inebriated. That first one had to be at least two shots. I would guess three. No, in honesty, it was two in and half. We'll just tell everyone half the bottle.
He was out the door and running into the fire.
*~*~*
"Is Josh coming?" CJ was curious. She figured that he would have been second on Leo's list.
"I called him about half an hour ago. He should be in here any second."
"He's late." The Communications Director was not known for his patience.
"Hey," Josh said somberly walking in. "So, what's up?"
"The ambassador to--"
Leo cut the other man off. "Josh?!?" He was simply looking at the man's eyes. He didn't need to smell the odor that would surely travel with the man as he grew closer. "You're drunk?!?"
Josh blinked a second to gather his bearings. "I'll be fine. I'm…God I'm sorry. I had a couple drinks right before you called." Not the time to brag about swigging half the bottle.
CJ arched her brows in curiosity. Beer was usually Josh's drink of choice. Josh stumbled to explain. "I…I can handle this. Don't worry about me. Coffee."
Leo was pissed as hell. "The ambassador to Israel was assassinated in a car bombing." That was a start to sobering up the younger man. "We're trying to figure out more. Get to work." With that he gestured for all to vacate the premises. "Josh."
He waited for the room to empty and the door to close. "I--"
The Chief of Staff held up his hand demanding silence. "I don't want to know."
Josh nodded. He concentrated solely on blinking away the tears. To top off any bad night with disappointing the man before him was like purchasing a one way ticket to hell that had a layover in Branson, Missouri.
"Josh?" His tone softened. This boy had a tough skin, but tonight he looked on the verge of breakdown. "Real quick, what happened?"
The President's Political Strategist sniffled quickly and hoped the gesture wasn't obvious. Then he began with a customary clearing of his throat. "Nothing. Really."
"Josh," His tone was gruff but there was still warmness.
A sigh. "Honestly nothing." A shrug. "Amy and I are officially over."
"Officially?" Leo had secretly tried to follow Josh's romantic standings, but had quickly lost interest in the middle school squabbles the two were famous for.
"Yeah." Even Josh had to smirk at that.
"Then what?"
"I…I might have to face a few issues in the future that I would rather not." He looked away. "Ever."
Leo was a man who could understand wanting to lose yourself. His was in a bottle and the man before him was in a job. Leo slowly nodded. He could guess a couple of obvious ones that the boy was running from, but he was sure that there were other things that working and having a 'girlfriend' helped keep his mind off of. "Things get hard." He was more talking to himself than his protégé. "It's hard when you have to look at yourself and consider if you really are able to get what you want."
An image came back to Josh's mind again. The same one that filled his mind before the first drink. He swayed slightly as he tried to fight it away. He wouldn't allow himself to follow that path for more reasons than he could count. One was the man speaking to him now. "Yeah." Josh wasn't sure if he was supposed to respond to what was last said. He really wasn't totally confident what was last said.
"Get to work." That was currently both men's solace. They shared an embrace in their gaze before Josh turned and walked out. Leo was proud of Josh on so many levels, but he knew that he still had a bit more growing up to do.
"No fucking coffee?!?"
Leo blinked. They should start with sobering.
