Chapter 1: One

Alien Abduction!

by Aaron D. Roberts

Orbulon's house was weird-looking. In community the like of Diamond City, where houses randomly sported several different architectural styles at once, that was saying something. In fact, Orbulon's dwelling was pretty much constantly floating, though not on water, but rather, upon nothing. So, even if one did not know that an alien lifeform was housed within its confines, a bypasser probably could have guessed as much.

However, just because the appearance of the residence itself was so unusual did not necessarily indicate that nothing going on inside was odd. At least, not today, it wasn't. The house's occupant was cheerily mixing up snacks for a social gathering he was planning for that evening. Orbulon hummed with his secondary voice box, using his primary one to remind himself of the odd Earth ingredients for "cake."

"AnD tWo EaRtHlInG eGgS," Orbulon read, tossing two of the white orbs into the bowl. "Stir vigorously," the directions stated, so Orbulon picked up a whisk and began beating the mixture at a pace even the fastest human could only dream of, unfortunately, splattering the batter all over the kitchen in the process. He poured the colloidal mass into a metallic container, then placed everything into the residence's rapid molecular accelator (known by most Earthlings as an "oven").

After the baking process had commenced, Orbulon cleaned up the kitchen to the best of his ability, then brushed the remaining uncooked sludge off his comb, the white protrusion which decorated the top of his head. He (referring to Orbulon as "he" was slightly inaccurate, as his species technically had five genders, but it was the closest approximation in Earthly language) then proceeded to cleanse the used dishware in his water-allocation basin. He was just removing the excess water droplets through application of a cotton cloth when his doorbell rang.

Once again, in Orbulon's case, the terms "doorbell" and "rang" were less than accurately descriptive. The sound was more reminiscent of a group of feline animals being tortured than any specific bell, but it signified the same event to the sunglass-wearing lifeform. He gingerly opened the primary portal to his dwelling, noticing as he did so that two nearly identical-looking Earthlings were standing in front of his door.

Both were clad in black suits, complemented with solid black ties on white shirts. Each wore a pair of sunglasses as well, though neither were as fashionable as Orbulon's own (although, unlike the humans, he was forced to wear his eye protectors due to the photosensitivity of his eyes). Each also had some sort of dark-colored plug in his right ear, though whether they were for decoration or some other purpose Orbulon could not tell.

"Excuse me," said one of the men in black, "we're with the INS, Division Six. We'd like to have a look around."

"ArE yOu HeRe FoR tHe PaRtY?" asked Orbulon. "i ToLd WaRiO hE cOuLd InViTe SoMe MoRe PeOpLe If hE wAnTeD."

Neither seemed to understand him, as happened frequently with his contact with Earthlings. Nevertheless, Orbulon plunged on into the conversation. Each looked at the other helplessly. "Okay," the first one said. "I think we've seen and heard all we need to." The two nondescript gentlemen lifted Orbulon bodily, hauling him out to an even-more-nondescript van which was sitting patiently on the curb.

"Is ThIs SoMe SoRt oF PaRtY gAmE?" Orbulon asked in confusion. "iF sO, i Am NoT fAmiLiAr WitH tHe RuLeS."

Neither of the male Earthlings answered him, as evidently they were still having trouble comprehending his speech. Orbulon twas then hurled roughly into back of the conveyance, and he was left in total darkness. Testing the van's rear portal, he found that it was barred. Perhaps he was playing some form of hide-and-go-seek, where he must be unaware at all times of where the other players of that particular entertainment were.

By the time Jimmy arrived at Orbulon's pad, it was almost four in the afternoon. It was technically early for the alien software developer's party, but for Jimmy, it was fairly late. Since the afroed club owner had just awakened only half an hour earlier, it was even later than it might have been otherwise. It was kind of funny: While Orbulon's party would be the capper for everyone else's day, it would be only the beginning of Jimmy's. After the festivities had ended, Jimmy would be heading instantly back to Club Sugar for a veritable smorgasbord of rhythmic motion.

Jimmy cricked his neck, straightened his jacket, and pressed the buzzer on the side of Orbulon's door. It made that funky, funky noise, and the tall dancer waited expectantly for his extraterrestrial acquaintance to appear. After a few moments, Jimmy's finger jabbed the button once more, wondering if perhaps Orbulon had not heard the first time, impossible as that seemed. The tallest member of the WarioWare team started tapping his foot methodically, without any idea as to what the holdup might be.

A low-pitched sputtering accompanied by manic laughter grew ever closer as Jimmy began pounding on the metallic doorframe. Heavy, pounding footsteps marched conspicuously behind Jimmy as he twisted the doorknob, which quickly opened, granting both Jimmy and the newcomer access to Orbulon's house.

"Ah-ha!" Wario cackled, striking a pose as he climbed onto Orbulon's front porch. "Time for a party, yes?"

"Maybe," Jimmy said, taking a gander inside the oddly-shaped house. "It doesn't look like anybody's here."

Wario looked confused, but that was not an uncommon expression for him. "Err, the party doesn't start for another half-hour, yes?"

"That's true," said Jimmy, "but Orbulon should still be here, even if nobody else is."

The two software designers walked openly into the dwelling, as both had legitimate reason to be there. Still, Jimmy could not help but wonder if Orbulon had set up some sort of deadly alien security system in here somewhere. Looking at Wario's befuddled face, he felt a little pang of regret. It took a lot of thinking for a worry of that sort to penetrate Wario's thick skull.

Nevertheless, he pressed on, traipsing through the living room and into the dining area. "Yo, Orbulon, you in here?" As Jimmy poked his head into the kitchen, he noticed a few cooking implements spread out on the counter. "Hmm, a whisk, a spatula, an empty carton of eggs, and...what's this goop?" He said this last looking at the mixing bowl, which contained an unidentifiable substance. He stirred it inquisitively with the whisk. "Egg shells, dog hair, jellybeans...what kind of jive recipe was he following, anyway?"

Wario leaned his head toward the mixture and sniffed at it with his prominent proboscis. Raising an eyebrow, the former plumber dipped his index finger into the concoction. "Ahhh...cake batter," he said after tasting it, using his teeth to ground down the eggshells contained within. "Crunchy, though."

Jimmy stared at the large mustachioed man. "That's gross. I-"

"Is there anybody in here?"

"Shut up! There could be demons afoot!"

"You shut up!"

Jimmy looked at Wario as the sounds of a scuffle became evident. "That must be the twins," he said.

"Ehh," Wario agreed shortly.

The two dashed back into Orbulon's foyer, where, indeed, five-year-old twins Kat and Ana were wrestling on the ground with one another. Although it was usually easy to tell the twins apart, due to their wildly-different colors of hair and complentary personalities, at this particular moment, it was somewhat difficult, perhaps due to the girls' rapid movements and incredibly close proximity.

"Chill out, you two," said Jimmy, forcibly separating them.

"Sorry," Ana said.

"Is Orbulon back yet?" Kat asked, as though nothing had occurred.

"Back?" repeated Jimmy. "What do you mean? Did he go somewhere?"

Ana nodded. "Sure, just a little bit ago, we were playing in our yard, and he-"

"I wanna tell 'em!" Kat shouted, punching her twin on the shoulder. "Orbulon was talking to some guys in black suits. We saw it. The threw him into a black van and drove away."

Jimmy shook his head slowly. "Not again."

"Yes," Wario agreed. "Not again. Umm, what is happening again, exactly?"

"The government's trying to take him prisoner," Jimmy said. "Remember, that happened right after he landed, too."

"Ah-ha!" Wario cried triumphantly, pumping his fists into the air.

"What should we do?" asked Ana.

Jimmy scratched under his giant afro wig. "I guess we'd better go get him back."

"Really? Can we come, too?" The twins asked in unison.

"Absolutely not-" Jimmy began, but was cut off by the CEO of WarioWare, Incorporated.

"Of course!" Wario said, dashing out Orbulon's front door. He hopped back onto his bike, gesturing for the others to join him.

"I don't think we're all gonna fit on that," Jimmy said, "and even if we were, there's no way I'm gonna ride behind you."

Shrugging, Wario punched a button on his handlebars and, to Jimmy's astonishment, a sidecar appeared to the right of Wario's bike, seemingly out of nowhere. Jimmy squeezed his long legs into sidecar, grumbling all the while.

"All right," he grumbled. "Now, where are the twins gonna ride?"

"With you!" Kat said, hopping onto Jimmy's lap.

"Yeah!" said Anna, following suit.

"I don't know how safe this is," said Jimmy suspiciously. "Maybe we should just leave you two here..."

"No way!" Kat protested.

Before any further argument could commence, Wario gunned the engine and took off at an unreasonable speed. Orbulon's house was swiftly left behind, to say nothing of Kat and Ana's. A common occurrence for Jimmy-Wario had just taken action without even consulting his opinion. This mattered little when crafting games for WarioWare, yet could be so irritating in more serious circumstances, such as those in which they now found themselves embroiled.

"Remember what Crygor said?" Jimmy hollered over the rushing wind, clutching the twins tightly to him as the landscape began zooming by. "He worked at some secret government base a few months ago, out by the Diamond City Wastewater Treatment facility. We ought to head out that direction."

Wario said nothing, but he cackled and grinned fiercely. Jimmy had to admit he had no idea whether the bulky Polish ex-plumber had actually heard and acknowledged his statement or was merely thinking of something pleasant. Possibly both, Jimmy decided as the suburban homes of northern Diamond City receded into the distance. Did Wario even know where he was going?

The twins started tussling with one another in Jimmy's lap. "Stop that!" he shouted, the rushing wind taking a lot of the volume out of his voice. "You two start fighting here, you might just fall out."

"She started it," Kat said, but both stopped their jittery motions.

Diamond City's wastewater treatment plant was only about ten miles out of town, so Jimmy and his companions arrived there in a fairly short amount of time. Just as Dr. Crygor had told him, a nondescript building sat somewhat to the side of the plant itself, clearly trying to insinuate itself as a part of the facility yet just as clearly standing apart. "Whoa!" Jimmy shouted, waving for Wario to pull over to the side of the road before they actually approached the front gate.

"What?" said Wario irritably.

"We need a plan," Jimmy said. "We can't just barge in there. They'll know something's up."

Wario shrugged, and the twins, helpfully kept silent. Finally, Wario said, "We'll just go in the front door, yes? But inconspicuously."

Though it was impossible to tell because of his massive dark glasses, Jimmy rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, man, that makes perfect sense. I'm sure they'll just let in a biker, a guy with a blue afro, and two sword-wielding six-year-olds. What could be less conspicuous than that?"

"Excellent!" Wario said, apparently missing the entirety of Jimmy's meaning. He revved up the motorcycle's engine and took off, driving directly into the plant's entrance. Jimmy barely had time to protest, even if the nightclub owner had thought of that option in time. Jimmy tried not to visibly flinch as they reached the guard shack. Wario saluted the security guard nonchalantly, as if there were nothing unusual in the group's desire for entry.

The guard, however, didn't seem to be buying it. "Can I help you?" he asked in a tone which belied his actual words.

Jimmy shook his head and kept his mouth shut. He couldn't think of anything to say that might help get them past this obstruction.

"Err..." Wario began. "We need to get inside."

"That's great," the guard said. "Why, exactly?"

"Silence, blackguard!" Kat hollered, waving her sword. "We're here to avenge Lord Orbulon's capture! You'd best tell us his whereabouts, else we'll rend you from the nave to the chaps!"

"What she said," Ana added, somewhat less forcibly, though still with a wave of the katana.

The guard snorted, his unshaven chin wobbling somewhat with the motion. "Yeah, whatever. Look, this is government property, so you all had better get out of here before I call the-"

Whoever the guard might have been going to call was left a mystery, as Wario, using his usual level of intelligence, had simply decked the man in the jaw after seeing the matter might possibly take more than two minutes to resolve. The guard flew backwards, conking his head against the other side of the small building. He then slumped to the floor, knocked cold from a combination of Wario's muscular might and the shock of the second impact.

"Problem solved, eh?" Wario said, flexing his biceps.

"Great job, Sir Wario!" Kat congratulated him.

Jimmy stifled a sigh.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Author's note: By the way, if you liked this one, check out "My Sick, Twisted, Undying Love" on my Author Page! Also, all my other stuff, too!