Part Two
Despite the absence of its host, Orbulon's party seemed to be a smashing success. It was nearly six o'clock, and just starting to get dark, but the lights were bright and everything was quite noisy in the alien's house. Nearly the entire employee roster of WarioWare, plus several other members of Diamond City's community, were socializing rather loudly, and odd alien rhythms pulsated from Orbulon's nearly incomprehensible stereo system. In fact, there was hardly even any standing room in the spacious chamber, so packed was the gathering.
Being a part-time college student, Mona was accustomed to the usual level of din at such a party. Still, she found herself somewhat daunted by the sheer volume of the otherworldly music and the endless drone of conversation. The redhead poured herself a cup of the pink punch from the bowl atop Orbulon's entertainment center. Who had made that punch, anyway? It probably wasn't important.
Despite the abundance of delectable (and un-) males present in the shindig, Mona found her eyes searching for one particular figure, one who for some reason, she could not locate. It should not have been that hard to find him, for although he was not particularly tall, he tended to stand out in any gathering. It was in the middle of searching for Wario that Spitz trundled up to her.
"Hey, Mona, wanna dance?"
Mona blinked. "Um, maybe in a" At this point, she realized that one of her favorite songs of all time was now pumping out of Orbulon's otherworldly sound system. "All right." She grabbed Spitz's diminutive hands in her own, and twirled the short cabbie around the packed room.
..You can dance, you can jive
having the time of your life...
See that girl, watch that scene
dig in the dancing queen...
Suddenly, the music was cut off with a loud shriek and a clanging noise. Mona swiveled her head to the left and saw Dr. Crygor's legs flailing, dangling from the top of Orbulon's stereo system. "What a dork," she said, shaking her head. Waving a short farewell to Spitz, she resumed her search across the now-musicless room. Still, her main man was nowhere in sight.
"Where IS Wario?" she asked aloud. "He couldn't have forgotten about the party, could he?"
"Not Wario," 9-Volt said, jiving in his diminutive fashion. "He'd never miss a shindig like this."
"I don't know about that," said Dribble, preemptorily joining the conversation. The taxi driver was clad in a white disco suit instead of his usual cabbie's uniform, though he still wore his distinctive helmet. "Wario can get pretty lazy."
Mona nodded. "Yeah, but only about the stuff he doesn't actually want to do." Thinking back, Mona remembered the time Wario had gotten too lazy to write his own diary, so he'd had her start doing it for him. For any person unacquainted with the situation, the change still would have been obvious due to Mona's much-neater handwriting, the switch to third-person, less of Wario's random, pointless observations, and the little hearts that appeared each time "Wario" was written.
"Maybe something came up," 9-Volt said, shrugging. Dribble nodded in agreement, but Mona was too busy thinking of that special someone to pay attention to what was said, and soon found herself lost in the rhythm of the pumping music.
"Dang, man," said Jimmy, looking both ways, expecting pursuit, although none was evident. "I can't believe you punched that guard!" It was dark enough that he probably should have taken off his sunglasses, but it would never do for him to be seen without his shades.
"And knocked him cold!" Kat said with a small jump of enthusiasm. "You're the best, Sir Wario!"
"Yeah," Ana agreed.
Wario grunted as he tried to open the massive door. The four WarioWare employees were standing outside a large warehouse-sized building, which might or might not have actually been a warehouse, and Wario was trying to open the huge metal sliding door on his own. "Come on, now!" the burly plumber said. He planted his feet firmly on the asphalt of the Water Treatment Center's parking lot, then grunted heartily, heaving the door to the left successfully. Jimmy, Wario, and the twins darted inside.
The building's interior was far different than Jimmy would have suspected. Instead of a wide, open area with several large holding tanks and purification machines, the door opened into a carpeted, almost office-like foyer, decorated with plush furniture and potted plants. In fact, there was a separate set of glass doors which permitted entrance to the foyer. Leaving the outer door open, Wario led Jimmy and the girls into the secondary set of doors.
As soon as they had entered the government facility (or suspected government facility, but honestly, could there really be any doubt anymore?), Jimmy had noticed Wario taking on a different air, going from an air of incompetent indifference to one of quiet confidence. The short but strong ex-plumber began checking every nook and cranny of the outer office, including the wide desk on the western side. "There's gotta be a hidden switch around here somewhere," he grumbled. "Look around enough and we'll find it."
"Let's do it!" Kat shouted, hopping a bit.
"Right!" said Ana, following her twin around the foyer.
Jimmy merely shifted his feet and remained otherwise motionless, knowing that one of his three companions would find the sought-after lock release. Watching Wario, Jimmy realized that the expert treasure hunter was in his element here, although it was in a bit different setting than usual. It was a short few seconds before Wario popped up from underneath one of the sofas, cackling in triumph. "I got it!"
Suddenly, the door slid open.
"Let's get movin'," Jimmy said.
Now, unbeknownst to Jimmy and his friends, this particular clandestine government installation had several purposes other than just random alien abductions. Meaning, the abduction OF aliens, not the reverse. Aside from the kidnapping of Orbulon and several others that were "not of this earth," Division Six had also tested several experiemental weapons and other, more devious devices.
The first room that the intrepid explorers passed was dedicated to communicable disease research. Many deadly weapons of biological warfare had been tested here, though the average person, even the average government employee, was not aware of this. Fortunately, Jimmy, Wario, and the twins merely passed this room by without actually entering it. In fact, had the three ventured within, they would undoubtedly have been instantly infected with Flannagan's Deadly Flesh-Eating Ebola, an infectious bacteria genetically engineered from regular ebola, the chemical element Flourine, and mummy powder found in the tomb of Rahkenkhamen. The infection was so horrible and painful that it was unlikely that they could find enough red, yellow, and blue capsules to reverse it.
Fortunately, Ana's attention was immediately grabbed by the glowing blue neon door at the end of the corridor. "Hey, what's that!" she cried, and darted forward to investigate.
"Hold up!" Kat shouted. "It could be a will-o-the-wisp!"
Wario cackled and started pounding on the walls, which echoed horribly.
"What are you doing?" Jimmy asked.
"Checking for secret passages," the president of WarioWare replied matter-of-factly. "It is the first thing I always do in a new place."
Jimmy shook his head. "This isn't an ancient tomb or treasure vault, you know. I don't think there'll be any hidden rooms or anything" A couple of high-pitched shouts cut him off.
"Hah!" Ana said, striking the glowing door with his sword. "Foul devil-door! I command you to open!" Each time Ana or her sister attacked the odd door, their swords emitted a sharp clang.
"We must strike as one!" Kat suggested forcefully. Both girls slapped the door with their blades, making a ringing sound that far outdid any previous one.
Jimmy sighed at the sheer amount of insanity that surrounded him. The twins were assaulting a locked, impenetrable metal door with swords, while Wario was banging on the walls with his fists, sometimes so hard that it left a dent and incidentally made a noise that, while lower-pitched, rivaled the din that Kat and Ana were raising. "Y'know, I don't think we could possibly be making more noise than this..." Jimmy said.
Much to Jimmy's astonishment, Wario's violent, strenuous search actually came to fruition. As the large, squat man pummeled a particular point on the corridor's wall, a secret panel slid open. "Aha!" Wario yelled in triumph.
"Dude, I can't believe that worked," Jimmy said, his wide eyes invisible behind his shades. "I guess we oughta check it out."
"Eh?" said Wario, as though his attention had been elsewhere momentarily. "Yeah, whatever." Unfortunately, Kat and Ana were still focusing their own attentions solely on the stalwart door, which had not yet yielded to the two, although it did bear several new unattractive scratches. "Hey! You two! Get over here, NOW!"
"Yes, Sir Wario!" called the twins in unison. The six-year-olds rushed into the tunnel, completely bypassing Wario and Jimmy.
Wario foraged ahead into the darkness, and Jimmy followed tentatively behind. "Are you sure this is a good idea? What if we end up in Kentucky or something?"
"Err.." The dim light hid the somewhat uncomfortable grimace on Wario's face. "Don't worry about it. I never do."
Orbulon's questioning was turning out to be less than productive. In fact, Orbulon HAD served in his planet's military, but this had been over three hundred Earth years ago, and so any information he could have provided the men in black suits with would have been so far out-of-date as to have been unusable in any case. He sat disconsolately in the interrogation room, buckled into the chair by a wrist straps and ankle bracelets.
"What are your plans for conquest?" demanded the taller man, spit nearly frothing off his chin. "We know your ships are just waiting outside of our satellite range, ready for attack."
"i KeEp TeLLiNg YoU," Orbulon protested, "i WaS OnlY a FiLe ClErK. BuReAuCrAtIc DIvIsIoN FoUr-A."
"Speak English!" the other agent hollered. "I hate it when these dirty, disgusting aliens think they can just move into our country and try to keep on speaking their native languages. That really burns my biscuits."
"Keep it together," urged the first man. "We've got to get through this subject's questioning so we can get to the dissection."
"DiSsEcTIoN?" Orbulon asked. "Is ThAt A nEw MiCrOgAmE?"
A sudden noise came from behind one of the room's multiple doors. Then, it happened again. "Sounds like the toilet flushing. Is there someone in the bathroom?" the first agent asked.
"Not that I know of," said the second. He drew closer to the door to investigate.
The door to what was evidently the bathroom opened, whanging the second agent unconscious, and Jimmy, clothes sagging wet, with water dripping from his blue 'fro, emerged, followed by a similarly-soaked Wario. The toilet flushed (seemingly in reverse) once again, and two school-aged girls came into view.
"Figures we'd end up coming out through the toilet," Jimmy said, wringing the water out of his afro.
"Lord Orbulon!" Kat cried in recognition. "Are you well?"
"EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOooooooo," Orbulon said in response.
"You don't belong here!" shouted the first agent. "This is a restricted government facility, and"
"Oh, shut up!" Wario said, tackling the agent, then punching him smartly in the face.
"You two girls try to get Orbulon out of the chair," Jimmy said, nodding in approval at Wario's rash actions. Then, Jimmy checked the exit, which, coincidentally, was the same door that Kat and Ana had been so fervently assaulting earlier. "Oh, man, I can't believe this lock."
"Eh?" Wario inquired.
"You've got to beat thirty WarioWare microgames to get out of here." Jimmy pointed to the display, which clearly supported his statement.
"Cool!" Ana said as Orbulon was released.
"Yeah, go for it, Jimmy!" Kat said.
Jimmy did, indeed, begin playing the highly unusual lock, as Wario's face began darkening. "They STOLE my games!" he complained.
"Some of them are ours, too," said Jimmy. "It's the Monster Megamix."
"MY games!" Wario repeated.
"Go, Jimmy, go!" the twins encouraged as they and Orbulon watched his progress.
"Gold Digger?" Jimmy looked at the nose-related game on the screen. "Man, I hate this one...got it!"
"OOOOOOooooEEEEEEEEeeeee," said Orbulon, which generally amounted to, "dOn'T tELL MoNa tHaT."
After a matter of moments, Jimmy completed the task, and the five fled from the erstwhile Wastewater Treatment Plant.
Jimmy found that he was more than simply relieved as Orbulon's hideously-shaped house came into viewhe was simply ecstatic. Still, after checking the time (it was still quite early), Jimmy found that he had expected a few more cars at the scheduled partyoh well, maybe everybody had left after finding out Orbulon wasn't home. That made sense.
The tired, intrepid heroes walked up Orbulon's drive, which was curiously littered with various refusepizza boxes, beer cans, and quite a bit of overturned lawn furuniture. This last was especially perplexing, as Orbulon did not actually own any. The door was literally hanging on one hinge as the quintet entered.
"Hey guys," Dribble barked. "What's up?"
Dribble, Spitz, 9-Volt, and Mona were sitting on Orbulon's sky-blue couch, each looking fairly disheveled. The floor was even more littered with trash than the outer lawn had been.
"Wario!" Mona said accusingly. "Where exactly have you been?"
"Orbulon got kidnapped by the government again," Jimmy explained. "We had to save him. Again."
"It was a blast!" said Kat. "Jimmy beat over thirty microgames in a row!"
9-Volt shrugged. "I've gotten over 200 before."
"What does that have to do with rescuing Orbulon?" Spitz asked.
"Don't ask," said Jimmy. "Can we get this party started? I'm ready for some serious dance-time."
"Well, actually, the party's already over," Dribble explained.
"Huh?"
"Yeah, the cops came and shut us down about half an hour ago," said Mona. "They told us we were being too loud, public nuisance, that sort of thing."
"Well, we did have over two hundred people here," 9-Volt said.
"EEEEEeeeeeOOOOOooooo," said Orbulon in surprise.
"I don't care," said Jimmy. "I gots to get my groove on."
Mona used the remote control to start up Orbulon's stereo system, and Jimmy almost immediately started boogie-ing down to the music.
Wooo, wooo, wooo
How do you like me?
How do you like me?
Wooo, wooo, wooo
How do you like me?
How do you like me?
"Hey, Wario," Mona called, "do you want to dance?"
"Eh," Wario said, shrugging. He let Mona drag him onto the impromptu dance floor, where the twins, Orbulon, and Dribble were already shaking it. Then, Wario let out a huge cackle, perhaps one of the hugest he had yet come up with.
"What is it?" Mona asked him.
"I just realizedsince the government was using WarioWare games in their little lock, that means I can sue them for copyright infringement! Cha-ching!" Wario cackled some more. "Excellent!"
FIN
Afterword: Sorry it took so freakin' long to get this done, I was busy playing WarioWare. Also, my GBA Mega Microgame decided to erase its memory, but the battery isn't dead, 'cause it will still save a new game. That is kind of weird.
