Disclaimer: I do not own CSI and make no profit from this.
Later, as shift ended, Sara headed towards Grissom's office to see if he was around; and he was. There he sat, reading something on his computer screen and every now and then glancing down at different papers. Eventually, Sara walked through the doorway and sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk.
Grissom spoke first, "I'm sorry."
"You do know how much that hurt, right? Do you remember when you brought me here because Holly Gribbs had been shot and you needed a hand? Do you remember that day when you smiled at me, but it took a while to get used to everyone on the team…and then you said I was beautiful? And then you turned down my dinner invitation and then what you said to that Dr. Lurie?"
"It's just…I've never been in a lasting relationship before. I never wanted to go through a relationship and then if it ends lose you and lose myself…I wanted to be with you, but I knew I couldn't. I'm sorry."
"You couldn't tell me that before? You had to let me find out for myself and you had to let me find out for myself that you asked Sophia out to dinner, too?"
"Absolutely nothing was meant by that whole ordeal. It was simply to persuade her to stay, nothing romantic at all. And I never meant for you to find out about that case or about anything. This whole time I've been trying to keep you from getting hurt. I guess I failed."
She was starting to get less angry somehow, "All I wanted to know was that you loved me and that maybe we could have something…"
"I do and we can't," he replied.
"Why not? Why can't we make this work?"
"Because I can't make this work. I'm not myself when I'm with you or when I think about you. It would mess things up around the lab and I don't want people" He particularly stressed "people" "to think lowly of you because of me. I don't want to hurt you."
"Please? For more than five years I've waited. Even though I dated Hank and everything… I've still loved you…though you would never let me."
"I can't. Not now… I love you, too…but I just don't know."
She tried to smile as she got up and walked out of there. She didn't want to be angry at him…she had been angry at him enough. She grabbed her stuff and walked out of there, not really sure where she was headed or what she was going to do.
Not home. She thought. Anywhere but home. Not to a bar or a casino, you don't nee that, Sidle, you're better than that.
In the end and after much deliberation, she ended up back in her apartment, sitting in the chair with her knees against her chest and her arms around them. When something bothered her as a kid she would find a quiet place to sit and think…it seemed to work. And that's what she did. She just tried to think of what she was going to do now. She played some music softly on her stereo, just something to have there in the background…something that went with the mood she was in.
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you loved me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?
The lyrics played in the back of her mind, flowing in with her own thoughts and feelings.
So, he loved me once. I loved him since before I even came here and so did he. Why did he bring me here just to turn me down? Why did he want me so bad just to give me up? Why did he give up on loving me? Why don't his answers make sense to me? So many why's and no answers that was making any sense to her.
And if I breathe, I'll breathe
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
How could she still love him, knowing he didn't care or that he couldn't care? How could she continue loving him if she knew she'd get no love in return? How could she love someone who was incapable of loving her back? Could she just give up and love someone else? Was it going to be that easy?
She thought of everything that was going on, not just Grissom. She could see how happy everyone else was…how Warrick and Catherine were so happy…how Sophia was friends with Greg and how Greg liked Sophia. It seemed that everyone was happy except her and that she was all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?
All she wanted was someone to care… she needed a reason to be here. She wanted to believe she still had a reason to stay in Las Vegas. She thought a lot about leave over the past five years and Grissom always coaxed her to stay. He was her one last reason to stay, but he told her that what they both wanted was impossible. She needed someone to be a reason for her to stay.
Yeah… I'll end it here for now.. The lyrics are from the song "Missing" by Evanescence. It's a really pretty song and if you've never heard it, you should check it out. D Thanks for reviews and I'll update soon.
