SIX
"So Brian, how do you like the part so far?" Kate asked her son.
"I can't believe you made me wear this stupid asparagus suit again!" Brian lamented his costume.
"Well, honey, that was the only costume we had available," his mother pointed out, "What would you have wanted to go as?"
"Roof the Two-headed Nurse."
"Roof again," Willie muttered. He fiddled with his druid costume. "Kate, this didn't shrink in the wash, did it?" he asked her.
"It shouldn't have," Kate frowned, "I haven't washed it in months."
"Hey Tanner, phone for you," one of Willie's fellow civil servants called out, holding out a wall phone.
"Thank you Rod," Willie picked it up. "Hello? Hi Raquel, is there a problem? HE'S DOING WHAT!!!!??????"
The party music abruptly stopped and everyone turned to look at Willie. He smiled nervously at this unintended attention. "I mean, are you sure?" he asked, a pale look on his face, "Well, I'll get on it right—DON'T CALL THE COPS!!!! I mean, I'm sure nothing criminal is—well, thanks for telling me."
He hung up and ran over to his family. "We have to go, right now," he said breathlessly.
"What happened?" Kate looked worried.
"I can't say here, too many people might overhear us; where's Lynn?" Willie glanced around.
"She went in the bathroom with Lash; she's been in there for about a half hour," Brian told him.
"Oh, nice," Willie groaned, knowing what this entailed, "Well, Brian, go tell her we have to leave."
"But she's in the girls' room, I can't go in there!" Brian protested.
"Close your eyes and don't look at anything," Kate instructed him. As Brian ran off, she looked Willie in the eye and said, "It's Alf, isn't it?"
"And then some," Willie admitted, "He's really gone too far this time."
"Explain to me why we're going down here when we've already hired Belz to bring in the Melmacian," Sandurz asked Helmet as the transport carrying their attack squad lurched down toward North America.
"Simply put, I don't trust the guy," Helmet said, putting his hands to his mouth as they hit a bumpy spot, "Anyone who freezes Dark Helmet solid has something to hide. Now where is the landing beacon sending us to?"
"According to the readings I'm getting right now, head down and to the left," Sandurz pointed out the window at the glowing Los Angeles basin below them, the lights twinkling in the darkness of night for this part of the world.
"Good, continue the descent," Helmet ordered the pilot. The ship zoomed down toward the Hollywood hills—and kept going into the ground as it landed, leaving a large crater a few feet from the HOLLYWOOD sign. "I told you to slow it up!" Helmet berated the pilot.
"Sorry sir," the pilot apologized.
"All out!" Sandurz screamed, noticing the W was keeling over toward them. The Spaceballs all scrambled to safety just in time. "All right," Helmet said quickly, "Cuckoo, which way to the Melmacian?"
Cuckoo activated a tracking device. "This way, Master," he said, waving to the left. The Spaceballs followed him in single file—for about fifty yards, anyway, before Cuckoo frowned and turned the tracker around; he'd been holding it upside-down. "No, this way," he said, pointing the other way.
"OOOOOOOO!!!!" Helmet threw up his hands in complete frustration, "Give me that!!" He snatched it off Cuckoo and hit it several times. "It's THIS way!" he said, waving over the hills, "And watch it. This is an alien planet; there's no knowing what we might run into!"
"I told you we should have made that left turn at Procyon," Barf told his boss as they zoomed into the solar system at well over the intergalactic speed limit.
"All right, you were right about that," Lone Starr admitted.
"I was?" Barf looked surprised, "I'm never right."
"Well you were right this time," Lone Starr told him. He checked his watch, "And it's a good thing we figured it out when we did; we're an hour behind schedule."
"There's Spaceball 2," Barf pointed to the massive ship, parked inside the asteroid belt.
"We'd better go in low," Lone Starr dipped the Winnebago as far below the asteroids as he could, "Activate the cloaking device."
"Activating the cloaking device," Barf flicked another switch. A long black cloak was released from its compartment on top of the Winnebago and slipped into place over the vehicle, completely covering it. Lone Starr flicked on the infrared scanner to maintain vision now that the windshield was completely covered. They slipped by Spaceball 2 without being spotted. "Prepare for atmospheric entry," he said.
"Preparing for atmospheric entry," Barf fastened his seatbelt as his boss dived toward the earth's atmosphere.
"Boy, I'll tell you Barf, if I could do it all over again with Tripley, I would," Lone Starr blurted out.
"That's strange," Barf said.
"What, that I could feel for the former woman of my life again?"
"No, that you could just bring that up without a lead-in sentence," Barf pointed out, "I mean, there's already been a continuity error with how long we've been gone from Druidia in the last chapter; the critics are going to come down hard on us for this."
"Who cares about the critics, Barf?" Lone Starr asked, "Point is, if you had a chance to restart a relationship after you're married, would you? I want to."
"Say, are you sure you know where the Melmacian is?" Barf asked, eager to change the subject, "We seem to be going somewhere in particular."
"I have a feeling where he is," Lone Starr told him, "I can feel the Schwartz guiding me." Then he slapped his hand to his face and said, "Boy was that a dumb line. Who wrote that?"
"Good, at least we're locked on," Barf nodded, "Now let's hope we're not too late."
"Dad, that was a one way street," Lynn pointed out as Willie made a wild turn up the wrong way street, narrowly missing some trick-or-treaters, "What exactly happened?"
Willie abruptly stopped the car and hopped out. "Oh not good, not good!" he moaned, yanking a poster off a tree. On it was written WANT TO ENJOY HALLOWEEN NIGHT? COME OT THE TANNERS ON HEMDALE AND HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE; LOOK FOR THE SIGN; PLEASE BRING YOUR CATS. "This means we can probably expect the worst," he moaned, hopping back in and speeding off again.
Kate shuddered as she read over the poster. "If he's wrecked the dining room, I'll lock him in…OH MY GOD!!!!"
They'd just pulled up in front of their house…or at least what had once been their house. Rising over the property now was a thirteen-story space hotel. A large neon sign glowing MELMAC SPRINGS LODGE blinked on and off near the top floor. And behind it an even larger purple mountain rose higher than the tallest buildings in Los Angeles. People of all ages in Halloween costumes were streaming inside
"Wow, Alf put in a roller coaster!!" Brian exclaimed, pointing up at the red steel coaster disappearing into the mountain near the summit, "I want to ride the next train!"
"We're not riding any coasters," Willie said weakly, unable to change the horrified expression from his face, "We've got to stop this before our electric bill for the month goes over the moon!!"
He and the family ran inside the fun park that had once been their quiet home. At that moment, Helmet was crossing the street waving at Jingo Belz. "Have you found them yet, Belz?" he asked the bounty hunter.
"Helmet, what are you doing here?" Belz asked, ,perturbed by his boss's intrusion into his job, "I told you I could handle this!"
"We don't trust you," Cuckoo naively admitted. Helmet slapped his hands to his face. "A thousand apologies for my apprentice, he can't keep his mouth shut," he told Belz, "The key point is, how you locked in on the Melmacian's specific location?"
"It's in one of these houses," Belz pointed around, "I was going to try them one at a time. Now if you'll let me do…"
But Helmet and the others were no longer paying attention. Cocking their laser rifles, they stormed up to the door of the nearest house. On Sandurz's nod, they kicked the door in. "Deliver the Melmacian to me!!!" Helmet shouted as loud as he could, raising his Schwartz high.
The Halloween partygoers inside, instead of being frightened by this sudden intrusion, applauded. "Not bad," a woman dressed as a banshee lauded Helmet, "That's one of the best costumes I've seen in years," she told him, handing him some candy, "Here you go."
Stunned, Helmet slowly backed out of the doorway. "You know," the woman confided in an equally confused Sandurz, "Your son seems a little old to be trick or treating. But I guess they are getting bigger these days. Well, happy Halloween." She closed the door. Helmet slowly pulled up his visor. "Sandurz," he told the colonel, "The people on this planet have very strange customs."
"Mars bars!" Cuckoo exclaimed, seeing his master's given candy, "I've got to try this!" He ran next door and tried to kick the door in himself, but only succeeded in toppling over backwards in the process. "Deliver me the Melmacian!!" he told the people inside, who gave him a strong helping of sweets. Helmet rolled his eyes. "Remind me to cut back his rations," he told Sandurz.
"He's over there," Belz pointed to the Tanners'.
"How can you be sure?" Sandurz asked.
"Because none of these other houses have a sign saying Melmac on them," Belz pointed to the "hotel's" sign.
"Right," Helmet said quickly. He pulled his visor back down. "All right men, prepare to attack!" he ordered the troops.
"Oh God, Willie, our living room!" Kate lamented, looking at it. Alf had turned it into a crypt, filled with dancing robotic skeletons and large paper mache bats. The strains of Thriller echoed loud enough to split the ears all through the house. Groups of young and old people were dancing wildly all over the place.
"The kitchen!" Willie groaned, glancing through the sliding doors, "He turned it into a swamp!!"
"Wow, he put bumper cars in the back yard!" Brian said excitedly, glancing out the window.
"Um, why don't you and your sister go out and ride them?" his mother told him, "Your father and I will look for Alf."
"No need, Kate, the old Alfer found you," came the alien's voice behind her, followed by the sound of a horse's neighing. A large black steed trotted up with "the Headless Horseman" on its back. "Forgive me if my time skills are off, but weren't you supposed to come back in another two and a half hours?" Alf posed, his voice coming out of the flaming pumpkin head.
"You!" Willie fumed, grabbing the head and shaking it. "Why isn't this burning me?" he asked out loud, amazed he was holding a fiery head and not suffering.
"It's cold heat," Alf explained, "On Melmac we'd use it all the time when we went camping and would spend our nights roasting ice cream over an open fire."
"Well, now that that's out of the way, what in God's name do you think you're doing here with our house!!!!???" Willie yelled at him.
"It's my way of enjoying Halloween and protecting myself at the same time," Alf explained, sticking his real head out of a hatch on the Horseman's chest, "I doubt you'd believe it, but the Spaceballs are coming, so protection helps."
"And who may I ask are the Spaceballs, some Melmacian hip-hop home boy band!?" Willie asked, steam still pouring from his ears.
"No, for your information, they're the baddest planet in the galaxy," Alf corrected him, "And they've been harassing us Melmacians for centuries. Every time one of us would head anywhere near Planet Spaceball, they'd board our ships and put us through unspeakable horrors the likes of which…"
"And you really expected us to believe a word you say!?" Willie screamed, his face purple with rage, "You've completely ruined our house—without asking our permission, I might add! How in the hell did you do all this, might I ask!?"
"I called Elton's Construction and asked them to do a rush job; they usually don't ask too many questions," Alf said, "I paid for it with your Master Card. Incidentally, you're now about three quarters of a million in debt."
"I'M in debt!!??" Willie extended his fingers for Alf's head, causing the Melmacian to duck back inside, "You…You've finally pushed it over the line this time, buster!!"
"Willie, the horse was in the kitchen!" Kate called in from it. Willie realized what this meant. "It didn't!?" he groaned.
"It did," Kate sighed, "This is also in here."
She carried out a basket labeled PLEASE DROP YOUR CATS HERE. At least ten felines lay meowing inside it. Both she and her husband glared hard at Alf. "It was just for the night," Alf said, tentatively sticking his head out again, "They could pick them up later. Come on, let's dance our cares away and discuss this in the morning."
He tried to steer the horse away. Shaking with abject fury, Willie ran to the wall and yanked the record player's cord out of the wall, and with it the lights as well. "This party is over!!!" he bellowed to the partygoers, "You can all go home now—with your cats! And as for you…!" he rounded on Alf, "You are finished here as far as we're concerned! Out! Out of our house, out of our life, out of our planet, and don't come back!!"
"I take it this means you'll clean the place up yourself?" Alf inquired.
"Oh no, I'm not fixing your mess!" Willie shrieked, "Now out!!!!"
He jerked his finger toward the door, where the guests were starting to shuffle out. "Kate, may I ask…" Alf tried to appeal.
"Forget it Alf," Kate folded her hands harshly across her chest, "You violated our trust by doing this without asking us. You heard my husband, leave."
"But the kids will object," Alf protested, grasping at straws.
"We'll explain it to them, and ultimately, they'll understand," Kate also pointed toward the front door. His shoulders sagging, Alf turned the horse toward the door. "Well Buckaroo, time the old Alfer rides off into the sunset," he said glumly, "Come on, I'll take you back to the petting zoo before I…"
Before he could reach the door, however, it was kicked open, and Spaceball troopers streamed in, guns raised. Recognizing the invaders, Alf quickly closed the hatch door and spurred the horse toward the bedroom. "Deliver us the Melmacian!!" Helmet ordered to anyone who cared.
"I'm sorry, we're not giving away any—did you say Melmacian?" Willie looked surprised that someone else would use the word.
"Yes," Sandurz shook his hand, "I'm Colonel Sandurz, supreme commander of the armed forces of Planet Spaceball, and we wish…"
"So you're the Spaceballs," Willie said sarcastically, "Well, I'm sure you would have made a great joke, but Alf no longer lives here, so if you don't mind, please go home."
"Spread out and find the Melmacian!!" Helmet ordered his men, who spread out throughout the house.
"Wait, what's this all about?" Kate asked the evil leader.
"That's not your concern, earth creature," Helmet told her, "Just stay out of our way and…"
"We need its hair for our weapon of mass destruction against the infidel Planet Druidia," Cuckoo cut in, "Our tracer led us to your residence."
"Well thank you, blabbermouth!" Helmet snarled at him.
"Thank you, you're very funny, now please, we've had a long and trying night, so if you will, please go trick or treat somewhere else," Willie tried to push Helmet out the door. Helmet pushed back abruptly. "No one defies Lord Dark Helmet!!" he growled, then stopped for a minute, apparently wondering if it was too clichéd a remark.
"Dark Helmet?" Willie snorted with laughter, "That's the best name you could come up with for yourself? That's not even remotely original."
Helmet raised his Schwartz high. "I'm getting tired of this!" he growled, "If you do not tell me where the Melmacian is in fifteen seconds, you will face the horrifying power of the Schwartz!"
"The Schwartz, right," Willie yawned, "You know if you were just a little more…"
Incensed, Helmet activated the Schwartz and fired a beam right at Willie's crotch. Immediately, the earthman's expression changed to one of severe pain. "WEEEEEOOOOWWWWW!!!" he shrieked, "What the hell do you put in these things!?" he wretched .
"Leave him alone!" Kate protested, swinging a lamp at Helmet, connecting with his forehead. Dazed, Helmet staggered backwards, easing up the beam on Willie. "Kate, I don't think these people are from here," he said.
"Yes, Willie, I think we could have guessed that by now," Kate said, rolling her eyes, "Let's get out of here before they do worse."
They started running toward the back door. "No one does that to my master!" Cuckoo shouted out loud. He picked up a long bazooka labeled SPACEBALLS THE STRAIGHTJACKET EJECTOR and fired twice. Moments later, Willie and Kate found themselves on the floor, wrapped in tight straightjackets. "Where the hell did they get this!?" he asked her, struggling wildly with this new predicament.
"Mom, Dad, what's going on in here?" Lynn and Brian had come back in at the sound of the shouting. "What are you doing to our mom and dad!?" the boy protested.
"They were interfering with our operation," Cuckoo said proudly, blowing the smoke off his weapon.
"Let them go!" Lynn protested, "They haven't done anything!"
Cuckoo fired the ejector again so that she and her brother were also enwrapped in straightjackets. "Good work for once, Cuckoo," Helmet congratulated his apprentice, "Keep an eye on them for me while we search out the Melmacian."
"Yes Master," Cuckoo approached the Tanners where they lay writhing on the floor. "So, who's up for a little music?" he asked, "And then without waiting for them to answer, he pulled out a harmonica and began playing an awful version of "Crocodile Rock" that made the Tanners all cringe.
Alf paced nervously around the master bedroom. "Well Lucky," he told the family cat, who'd taken refuge from the marauding Spaceball forces with him, "Amazing that we'd end up here together like this. Penned in by Spaceballs. Well, let me just say, if it comes down to a siege, you'll be my last line of defense. Or my last meal, whichever comes first.
Just then the door burst open. Surrender, Melmacian!" Belz shouted, aiming his freeze ray at him.
Alf clapped his hands to the side of his face and screamed like Macaulay Culkin. This stunned Belz just enough to give him an advantage. "Go get 'em, Luckmeister," he told the cat, throwing it in the bounty hunter's face. Belz staggered backwards trying to pry Lucky off himself. But several Spaceball troopers were right behind him. They opened fire at Alf, destroying Kate's hope chest. Ducking low to avoid the laser blasts, Alf crawled into the bathroom and locked the door. "Boy things are getting hotter in here than in Palm Springs!" he lamented. There were thuds as the Spaceballs threw themselves against the door, trying to break it down. It wouldn't hold much longer.
And then a hand touched Alf on the shoulder. He shouted in shock, then spun to face the intruder. "Captain Lone Starr," he said in surprise.
"Gordon Shumway," the hero said. He extended his hand. "Come with me if you want to live."
