SEVEN
"I'm going to kill Alf for this, I swear I'm going to kill him," Kate grumbled.
"No, honey, I've got first dibs on murdering him," Willie told her, struggling wildly in his straightjacket, "I put down the first lease on this house."
"No, if I remember correctly it was the loan from my mother that got us this in the first place," Kate argued.
"No no, I distinctly remember…"
"Will you two please grow up?" Lynn interrupted, "Point is, we've got to get out of here before these goons actually try to kill us—or that clown starts singing again. I'll jump off the roof if he does another accordion solo."
"I don't know why this is so difficult," Willie said, struggling harder, "I saw a magician get out of one of these about fifteen years ago from the front row of the Orpheum, and I thought I could remember the exact sequence of moves he made. I think first I have to dislocate my shoulder, then try to move…"
"Or I could just let you out, Dad," Brian walked over to him, completely free of his straightjacket. His father did a double take. "How'd…When'd…?" he sputtered.
"It was too big," Brian held it up for Willie to see, "I could just crawl out through the neck hole. Turn around and I'll have you loose."
Before he could start, however, Helmet and Belz came back into the living room. "Hey, how'd the kid get loose?" the evil leader exclaimed
"Run Brian,run!" Kate nudged him off, then tripped Helmet when he rushed forward to try and grab her son. Belz pursued Brian out the back door. "You're not getting away from me, young one!" he shouted, firing off-target blasts from his freeze ray. From their vantage point atop a walnut tree in one of the few open spaces left in the Tanners' backyard, Lone Starr and Alf looked down at the sounds of the sounds of the blasting. "If I were you, I'd help that asparagus escape," the Melmacian said.
"Right; Barf," Lone Starr nodded to his associate, how swung himself upside down on a branch and casually plucked Brian up as he ran by. "Don't scream, don't scream," Alf reassured his friend as he was plucked down, "These guys are here for our protection."
"Well some job you guys did!" Brian berated the two interstellar visitors, "There's Spaceguns all over my house!"
"Spaceballs," Lone Starr corrected him, "And shhhh! Don't give us away to Jingo Belz."
"Where are you, kid?" the bounty hunter could be heard yelling below. The four of them looked out threw the branches as Belz looked left and right for his quarry. Finally, the big snowman shrugged in disgust and headed back into the "hotel." "Captain Lone Starr," the hero formally introduced himself to Brian, "This is my sidekick Barf."
"What planet do you come from?" Brian asked Barf, amazed at his ears and tail.
"Mawgiter," Barf told him, "I'm a mawg, half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend. You know we saw your pal Gordon here on Melmac about fifteen years ago when he was the headlining act at the Galactic Dunes Resort Hotel."
"You were in the third row on the left side, am I right?" Alf asked.
"Yeah," Lone Starr said, "And I can truly say that was the worst three hours of comedy I've ever seen."
"Thank you for your vote of confidence in my abilities, O mighty protector," Alf said sarcastically, "Now if you don't mind, there's some nice people in there I'd like to get away from Dark Helmet."
"Doesn't look like it'll be that easy," Barf said, glancing through the branches, "I think we've got company coming."
"So did you catch him?" Sandurz asked Belz as he came back into the living room.
"No," Belz shook his head, "He got away."
"Ah, no big deal," Helmet said, "He's just a kid; he won't cause us any problems." Turning back to the rest of the Tanners, he said, "So, if I am not mistaken, we were discussing the Melmacian Gordon Shumway's location?"
"You mean you haven't found him yet?" Willie asked with mock surprise, "Come on, even after he added all this stuff onto our house, don't tell me you can't find…"
"You will answer our question, or we'll resort to extreme measures," Sandurz told the earthling firmly.
"What extreme measures?" Willie tried to maintain a straight expression.
"Cuckoo," Helmet turned to his associate, "Give it to him."
"Yes Master," Cuckoo tore off Willie shoes and socks and started tickling his feet unmercifully. "Stop, stop it, please stop!" Willie said between his hysterical laughter, "I swear I have no idea where Alf went to! He disappeared after you came in! He could be anywhere!"
"And that's your final answer? Helmet asked him. He nodded to Cuckoo, who withdrew larger feathers.
"That's the honest truth, I'm telling you!" Willie protested.
"Very well," Helmet said, "You leave us no alternative but to take this ticklefest into hyperdrive. Cuckoo, let the women have it."
Before they could, however, there was the sound of vehicles driving up onto the front lawn. "This is the Alien Task Force," came General Valentine's voice over a loudspeaker, "We're here for the alien."
Helmet froze. "Sandurz, we didn't order any Alien Task Force," he told him, "Get rid of them."
"All right," Sandurz pulled out a coin, "Heads we open fire on them, tails we talk it over with them." He flipped it, picked it up, and announced, "It's heads. Open fire, men."
"Wait, that's a two headed coin you just tossed," Willie pointed out. It had landed just a few feet from him, and he'd gotten a good look at it.
"I know," Sandurz smiled, "That's one of the joys of being a Spaceball."
The Spaceball troopers rushed to the front window and began pouring harsh laser fire at the Alien Task Force. "Take cover!" General Valentine ordered his men. He crouched behind a truck and covered his head. "Sir, what are your orders?" his adjutant asked him.
"My orders, um, give me a minute," Valentine pulled out a handbook entitled THE DUMMY'S GUIDE TO HANDLING ALIEN ENCOUNTERS. "Let's see, author's biography, getting started, tips from the Men in Chartreuse, spotting alien ships," he mumbled, leafing through it, "Ah, here we go: if the alien or aliens open fire on you without provocation, this author suggests letting them have it with everything you've got. After all, they're probably not the only ones in the universe, so they're death won't be a big loss to their civilization." He rose to a squatting position and ordered, "Give them the works, boys!"
The troops answered the Spaceballs with a blistering fire. Helmet dove for cover as bazooka rounds whizzed by his helmet. "Sandurz, call the transport!" he ordered the colonel, "We can't hold out like this forever!"
"Right sir," Sandurz pulled out his radio. "Pilot, pick us up at 167 Hemdale, that's at…" he ordered, but a tank round blew the radio up in his hands, stunning him.
"Oh God, my piano!" Kate groaned as another tank shot destroyed it with a loud clanging of keys. "That's it!" she yelled at Helmet, "We're holding you responsible for every little bit of damage they inflict on this house!"
"In a few minutes, miss, you will be joining us for a nice one way trip to Planet Spaceball," Helmet said, aiming a Schwartz blast at an Alien Task Force truck, "And you'd better hope the Melmacian shows, or you won't like what happens next. Now on your feet. We have a flight to catch."
Several Spaceball troopers hauled the Tanners to their feet and pointed their laser guns in their backs. "To the roof," one ordered.
From the (relative) safety of their tree, Lone Starr and the others watched the battle unfold. "Well, I'd say we've got somewhat of an upper hand here," the hero said, noticing the large gaping holes in the front of the Tanner house and the dead Spaceballs hanging through the holes.
"True, but if they go around through the Ochmoneks, they'd have them outflanked," Alf noted, watching as the Ochmoneks' hedge was burned up by the rampant laser fire, "Five hundred spacebucks on the ATF, though."
There was a loud whooshing noise overhead. "Wow, a real spaceship!" Brian exclaimed, looking up at the Spaceball transport zooming into place.
"Yeah, and it's their ticket back home," Lone Starr said, "I'm open to any suggestions on how to stop them."
"Why? I thought our agenda was just to protect Gordon here?" Barf gestured to Alf.
"I don't know, they're making this whole story up as they go; it's too hard to keep up with it anymore," his boss said. The Spaceball transport opened fire, sending the Alien Task Force scattering.
"There goes Helmet," Barf looked through his space binoculars, "And it looks like they're taking the other residents of the dwelling with them."
"Let me see," Alf grabbed the binoculars off him and watched as the Tanners were herded up into the spaceship, Cuckoo giving Willie a gratuitous kick in the rear for good measure. "Uh oh, I guess this means I'll have to clean up the house after all," he said.
"Where are they taking my family?" Brian asked, his eyes wide with concern.
"Probably back to Spaceball City," Lone Starr guessed, "They'll probably torture them, then kill them."
"Sounds about right," Alf nodded, "They'll probably start by giving Kate a nose job. Then they'll move on to ripping out Willie's nose hairs. Then they'll stamp on his skull until he…"
"Guys, not helping!" Barf pointed to Brian, who was sobbing at the thought of his parents and sister going through everything the two of them had just described. The mawg hugged the boy close. "Don't you worry, little guy," he told him sympathetically, "We won't let any harm come to your folks."
The spaceship took off with a loud blast. "Hey, what the hell's going on out here?" came the dopey voice of Trevor Ochmonek as he came running out to see what all the action was about. His gaze went upward to the transport as it disappeared into the black of space. "What was that all about?" he asked General Valentine, who happened to be nearby.
"I can give you the answer to that,sir, if you'll look right here," General Valentine pulled out a camera-like device and flashed it in Trevor's face. "You saw no spaceship, sir," he told a blank-faced Trevor, "Light from Saturn got trapped in thermal gas pockets and made a spaceship-like glow in the sky. As for the damage here, your neighbor Mr. Tanner got careless smoking near a gas main. Now run along."
Trevor nodded and wandered off. "OK men, let's do one more check of the perimeter to make sure they're all gone," Valentine told his men, who spread out over the Tanner property.
"We've got to act fast," Lone Starr surmised out loud, "Let's get to the Winnebago and follow them."
"Yeah, but first we've got to pay the check from last time," Barf pointed out.
"Oh yeah, forgot about that," Lone Starr admitted, "Oh well, in either case we haven't got a moment to lose."
"Right, now let's find where you parked," Alf started down the tree, but slipped and crashed to the ground. "Sir, we've got something over there!" one soldier shouted, running around the corner.
General Valentine ran over to see for himself. "Catch that alien!" he shouted. His men fired away with their tasers and tranquilizers. "Sorry, no autographs," Alf called at them, diving into the bushes for safety.
"We've got him cornered; get the net," General Valentine ordered. As he ran by the tree,Barf launched himself down on top of him. "What the hell are you supposed to be, some kind of King Kong Lhasa Apso?" the general asked him.
"No, just a good guy from Mawgiter," Barf said, trying to wrestle the memory eraser out of his hands.
"A little help please?" Valentine asked his men, who piled on top of Barf. There was a big struggle, which ended with a blinding flash of light. "Barf, are you all right?" Lone Starr asked, climbing down to his sidekick, who lay hunched over, "Don't tell me you got your memory erased?"
"What erased memory?" Barf popped upright,looked completely unfazed, "Is Gordon all right?"
"Who's Gordon?" came General Valentine's voice. He and his command stared blankly ahead into space. Alf trotted over. "You know, you guys better get back to the circus," he told the entire neuralized Alien Task Force.
"Circus?" a solider asked blankly.
"Of course," Alf said matter-of-factually, "You're the Great Armini and Air Forcini clans, the best trapeze and high wire acts in circus history. If you don't get going now, the train might leave without you."
"We've got to catch that train," General Valentine rose upright, "Come on you guys, we can't miss the show."
The former soldiers scrambled off quickly. "Well, at least now they have a more meaningful career ahead of them," Alf commented.
There was a honking as Lone Starr pulled up the Winnebago alongside. "Hey Gordon, get in," he called out the window, "We've got a date with Helmet."
"Wait," Brian ran up, "I want to go too."
"I'd let him," Alf said, "Otherwise he'd have to stay with the Ochmoneks, and that's no picnic. More like a last meal, actually."
Lone Starr shrugged. "Sure, why not? We've got to appeal to the younger readers anyway," he said.
"Here you go," Barf lifted Brian up into the Winnebago, "Fasten your seatbelt back there. The negative Gs get pretty nasty during liftoff."
"So you said we're stopping at a diner?" Alf asked, plopping into the co-pilot seat next to Lone Starr, "That's good. I haven't had a cat in six months. That's torture for me."
"Yeah, I know, the old Melmacian cat craving," Lone Starr said, revving up the Winnebago's rockets, "We'll see what the menu says."
"Menu nothing, I'm starving!" Alf protested.
"Well, get out of Barf's seat and we'll get going," Lone Starr pulled out onto Hemdale, "And keep in mind I'm not paying your food bills during this little adventure."
