FIFTEEN

"Good evening," the metal-mouthed reporter told his camera, "This is Spaceball Nightly News, Ron Brokejaw reporting. We're here live on Exodosus for live exclusive coverage of the destruction of Planet Druidia. Any minute now President Skroob will give his great address to the droid troops, and then the attack to wipe out Druidia will be launched. I see the president is now headed to the microphone, so we'll switch over to him now."

Skroob tapped the mike several times, and then looked out at the troops and droids below him on the great plain before him on the planet. "Well boys," he announced, "Now is the time we and the readers have all been waiting for. In a few minutes you'll be mounting up your T.A.R.G.E.T.s and blowing Druidia off the map. All I have to say is, 'Do your best and remember, you're making Spaceballs everywhere proud.' Now go out there, and give them a literal piece of Hell, boys!"

Loud cheers rose up from the troops. "All crews to your T.A.R.G.E.T.s," General Mills ordered, taking his place at the microphone, "We are launching in three minutes."

"OK," Brokejaw looked a little awkward, "You've just heard President Skroob's speech—a little quicker than we expected, but still very moving. We'll see if we can get…oh, here's Colonel Sandurz; Colonel, could you explain to us how you're going to get all the air out of Druidia we need to end our rumored air shortage while simultaneously blowing up the planet?"

"Well Ron, first of all I'd like to point out that all rumors of an air shortage on Planet Spaceball are completely false," Sandurz said, "If there were, we'd certainly have told everyone about it, now wouldn't we?"

"I suppose you would have, Colonel," Brokejaw shrugged.

"At any rate, our T.A.R.G.E.T.s have sucking capacity that will be activated after detonation; it's too complicated to explain," Sandurz went on, "If you'll turn the camera over that way, you'll be able to get our preliminary procedures; Cuckoo, activate the code breaking laser."

"Yes, Colonel," Cuckoo through a switch. A large satellite dish, with the company name INDIRECTV hastily blacked out on it, rose out the top of the command mountain. "Activate the air shield code," Sandurz continued. Cuckoo entered 1-2-3-4-5 into the computer. The dish began buzzing. In the distance, the air shield to Druidia slowly creaked open. Skroob walked over to the interplanetary intercom. "Gentlemen," he announced, "and droids, start your engines."

The T.A.R.G.E.T.s roared to life in the trench. Druidia was right in the middle of it, perfectly lined up for destruction. "Well Mr. President," Helmet said, uncorking a bottle of Spaceballs the Champagne, "For once you've finally done it right. We're going to win this one, and there's nothing Lone Starr can do to stop us."

"And better yet," Skroob said, pouring himself a shot, "Any explosions will take place far from here, away from us."

Just then, the TeleWall lit up. "Universal Express," said a guy in a delivery suit, "I've got a package here for a Mr. D. Helmet."

"I didn't order any package," Helmet told him.

"Well, it was ordered overnight, specifically for you," the deliveryman said.

Helmet rolled his eyes. "All right, all right, we're kind of busy right now, just drop it down on the planet; we'll open it and sign for it later."

"As you wish," the deliveryman said. Helmet and everyone else in the control room were stunned to see a gigantic red Christmas present fall out of the sky (with the protective shield already having been taken down to allow the T.A.R.G.E.T.s to leave the planet) and land at the foot of the mountain. Simultaneously, the monitors started acting crazy. "Sir," came the voice of the head technician, "We've lost the bleeps, sweeps, and creeps again, and now we're losing the sleeps and weeps too."

"Huh?" everyone asked.

"Well you know," the technician said matter-of-factually, "The sleeps: rrrrrrrr-RRRRRRRRR, rrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, and…."

"We don't need to hear the description!" Helmet snapped.

"Sir, the screens," Sandurz examined it closely, "It's been—pickled."

"Pickled?" Skroob frowned, "What, are they out of jam?"

"It looks like…" Sandurz started to say, but just then a blast of color took over the screens, along with a familiar theme. In a flash, Alf jumped into frame dressed like Prince. "It's Friday night, "he boomed into his microphone.

"Yes it's Friday night," added a backup group of female Melmacians.

"And the mood is right," Alf crooned on, "We're gonna have some fun, show you how it's done, TGIF."

Lone Starr now jumped into view. "Yes, it's 8 o'clock on Friday, and we've got a little surprise for you, Helmet," the hero said, "My own little Straight Flush to beat out your Full House, even when Family Matters. Jesus, why am I referencing them? Anyway, your little attack's going to be panned by our critics, especially after we unleash your own ship and fighters against you. Here's a little trivia for you: what do you call people like you who stupidly let us deliver…?"

Horrible expressions swept all the bad guys' faces. Skroob grabbed the microphone. "Get that package outta here, quick!" he screamed to no one in particular.

"Too late, Skroob," Lone Starr chided him, "You left the cage door unlocked, and the pit bull's a-coming out. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the battle as we destroy your dreams and forces right here tonight oooooonnnnnnnnnn…"

"T-G-I-F!" the Melmacians all shouted. The next moment, the package exploded open, and several dozen former Spaceball assault craft fired off a salvo at the command mountain. "Get the shield back up!" Sandurz shouted to the nearest guard.

"Function negative, sir!" the guard said, flicking the switch until it broke off in his hands, "They've wrecked the shield!"

"Oh great!" Skroob groaned. He activated the intercom. "Everybody who can walk, get out here quick!" he shouted to everybody on the planet, "We've gotta stop them!"

There was another loud explosion. "Bad news, sir," a commander appeared on the TeleWall amid much static, "They've completely destroyed the Starbucks on Level 12."

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Skroob screamed, bending over backwards.

On the planet's surface, Lone Starr coasted to the ground on a transport. "Okay guys," he announced to his troops, "Our primary goal is to stop those T.A.R.G.E.T.s. Try and lure every Spaceball you see away from the trench so we can hit them with everything we've got. In the meantime, let's try and knock out their communications so we can isolate them." He activated his radio. "You all ready to bomb their brains out, Shumway?" he asked back up to Spaceball 2."

"Ready and rearing to go, Captain," Alf told him.

"All right, let's wipe them out!" Lone Starr said, raising his Schwartz high. He leaped out and started blasting away at the troopers that had already started firing at them.

But then, out of nowhere, a line of cord shot around his wrists. "Jingo all the way!" came the snowman bounty hunter's voice from above, where he was rocketing on his jet pack. He proceeded to drag Lone Starr over Exodosus's rough surface. Trying to ignore the pain the sharp rocks were inflecting on his chest, Lone Starr looked ahead and saw an erupting volcano ahead of him. Thinking quickly, he aimed his Schwartz at Belz's rocket pack and concentrated as hard as he could. It proved to be enough; the rockets ceased firing, and Belz plummeted into the volcano. "No!" the snowman started screaming as the hot lava somehow started melting his frozen armor, "I'm melting, melting, melting! Oh, what a world! To think I'm only an afterthought in the story by now, to die like this…!"

"Then just shut up and die already!" Lone Starr snapped, freeing his wrists from the wire.

"Okay," Belz shrugged. Then he finished melting into a puddle. "Boy, he really was a snowman!" Barf commented, having followed his boos looking to help.

"Yeah, Lone Starr said, dusting himself off, "And a really abominable one at that."

Laser fire hit their feet, causing them to dive into a ditch. "Forgot to mention, there's a big machine gun nest up there guarding the T.A.R.G.E.T. trench," the mawg said. Lone Starr looked up to see about a dozen Spaceballs firing at rebel troops from a large robin nest set up on a large rock outcropping. "We'll have to take them out," the hero realized, "And luckily I've got an idea. It's silly, but it'll work."

And moments later, the Spaceballs abruptly stopped their firing at the sight of what had to be the ugliest woman in the universe rising out of the ditch. They couldn't have cared about "her" appearance at all, though. "Hoo boy, what a dame!" one of them goggled at her, "Come make a man, little lady!"

"Hello boys," Lone Starr said in the most feminine voice he could come up with, "Why don't you come up and see me some time?"

While the Spaceballs goggled, Barf snuck up underneath them and yanked out a small twig from the nest. Immediately the whole nest gave way, dumping the Spaceballs on the ground. "Weapons on the ground, guys," Barf said, pointing his own laser rifle at them, "You've just flown out of the coop—or something along those lines."

"Hang on tight, here we go," Alf said as he dived Spaceball 2 toward the T.A.R.G.E.T. trench at an almost suicidal rate, "Is that really necessary?" Willie protested.

"No, but it sounds so good when you right it," Alf told him, "Ready to fire, Skip?"

"Ready, Gordo," his old buddy from Melmac said, looking down the bombsight, "We're coming up on the first one now."

"Let them have it then."

"Fire in and out of the hole," Skip dropped the bombs. A loud blast of black smoke signaled the end of the first T.A.R.G.E.T. in line. "Good shot, guys," came Lone Starr's voice over the radio.

"Yeah, good shot Skip," Brian slapped hands with the alien.

"Nothing we in the Orbit Guard could never handle," Skip said, flexing his fingers.

Loud blasts abruptly rocked the control room. Spaceball fighters were on their tail and firing at will. "Oh great!" Kate groaned, "As if this couldn't get any worse!"

Alf grabbed the fore laser gun and started firing away with everything he had, albeit in a reckless and erratic fashion. "Ha ha, take that to the bank and cash it!" he shouted at the still-coming crafts.

"Well they'd be cashing it in all right, Alf, if you'd actually start aiming at them," Willie pointed out.

"Oh, well, I was just trying to unnerve them before I actually shot at them," Alf explained. He clicked the gun again, only to find that he'd used up all the ammunition. Missile hit the bridge repeatedly, causing everyone to jump for safety. "Listen you guys," he yelled up through the now broken window, "There's no need to take all your repressed anger out on us. If you're so determined to kill somebody, let me give you Kate's mother's address."

"ALF!" Kate glared at him.

"Well it was just an idea," Alf shrugged. He reached for the intercom. "Hey Larry, is there anything left in the magazines?" he asked another friend.

"Uh, just some grape shot, Gordon," Larry said.

"Bring it on up here A.A.R.P.," Alf told him. "And in the meantime," he added, picking up a home video recorder from under the command rail, "If the grape shot works the way I think it will, I want this on tape. Bob Saget'll love this."

"Well, you know he doesn't host America's Funniest Home Videos anymore, do you Alf?" Lynn asked him.

"True, but I'd think he'd still love it," Alf said.

Larry burst in carrying the grape shot. "Load it in over there," Alf pointed to the fore gun. Larry locked it into place. Alf took careful aim at the approaching Spaceball squadron. "Just be glad I don't have the peanut butter to go with this," he said, and with that fired. The grape shot hit the foremost attack craft, splattering grape jam all over it. Blinded, the fighter spun sideways into another squadron, knocking them over literally like tenpins. It then plummeted toward the trench where it hit and blew up another T.A.R.G.E.T. "Good form, good form," Alf applauded his victim's explosion. He checked the playback on his videotape. "Perfect. I can see Bob forking over the hundred grand right now," he commented.

"This is terrible!" Sandurz lamented, staring glumly at the hologram of the battle before them in the command mountain, "They've got us completely off guard! And we're losing T.A.R.G.E.T.s fast!"

"And plus we're out of coffee!" Skroob moaned.

"Will you drop the coffee for one minute?" General Mills glowered at him, "I'm going down there and taking out this pointless resistance of theirs single-handedly."

"I don't think that's a good…" Cuckoo started to say, but Mills was already out the door. The clown shook his head. "Well, it was nice knowing him," he shrugged.

Down below, many participants on both sides were not surprisingly falling dead. Even though the Spaceballs were throwing every scientifically advanced weapon at them, the rebels were still surviving, even though much of the battles had little real strategic purpose other than to look impressive to the average reader.

Among the chaos, Lone Starr was now helping Barf assemble a radar dish of sorts. "Let's just hope we've got the right frequency on this thing," the mawg said, "If only there was a way we could test it."

"Here's our test," Lone Starr stood upright and aimed the dish at a group of droids coming right at him saying monotonously, "We must destroy all the good guys. We must destroy all the good guys." The hero fired a blast at them. The droids shook from the scrambling, then abruptly dropped their guns and started playing pattycake with each other, now droning, "Dance your cares away, worries for another day, let the music play, down at Fraggle Rock."

"Well, at least now they have a hobby," Barf said, "I hope we've got…"

"Watch it!" Lone Starr pulled his buddy away just before something large and orange landed right near them. "What was that?" a shaken Barf asked.

"It came from that pillbox," Lone Starr pointed across the way to the large cardboard structure. The Spaceballs manning the pillbox fired an Advil out of it at them, and it just barely missed them. The two of them started running for cover. "I don't want to be around when they let loose with the Viagra," Barf commented.

From out of nowhere, however, Tripley stepped forward in her Indestructo suit. Setting the arms to water dispensers, she fired away at the open slit in the pillbox. Within minutes, white foam was pouring out of it. The Spaceballs poured out of the pillbox covering their faces. Seeing Tripley, they fired away at her. True to its name, however, the Indestructo suit was impervious to the lasers. Calmly, Tripley set her dials to pepper spray and fired back. A black cloud smothered the Spaceballs, who started sneezing violently from the pepper. Barf ran up and conked them out with a conveniently handy rock. "Nice save, Trip," he told his boss's ex.

Tripley coolly blew off the tips of her arms. Just then General Mills jumped down into sight, looking incredibly ticked off. The alien-droid activated blades on his gauntlets and whipped them around impressively. "I've been waiting to meet you, Lone Starr," he told the hero, "And before the day's over, I'm going to add your Schwartz to my trophy collection. But before I kill you, I'll let you take your best shot, so go ahead, make my night."

"OK," Lone Starr took aim with his Schwartz at Mills, but at the last minute jerked his arm upward at a rock perched near the edge of the overhang above them. The giant boulder toppled off and crushed Mills before he had time to register. "Well, he was pretty much hot air," Tripley commented.

"And now I know the only reason they put him and Jingo Belz in this story," Barf added, "so they could increase the body count."

"Let's get these trophies of his while he's still dead," Lone Starr started picking up the myriad weapons Mills had carried with him as trophies off his belt. He froze and put his hands in the air, however, as a hover tank came roaring right at them. He needn't have bothered, however, for the shots from the tank missed him and his fellow good guys by a mile, hitting and blowing up all but one of the remaining T.A.R.G.E.T.s before the hover tank itself toppled over the edge of the trench and needlessly blew up. Up in his command post, Helmet slapped his head at the sight of just one good T.A.R.G.E.T. left. "This is unreal!" he screamed out loud, "Now we're taking out our own ships! Who the hell was in charge of that tank?"

"Let me check, sir, "Sandurz flipped through the computer, "Uh, that was Technical Sergeant Randy B. Asshole, sir."

"Well, that explains a lot, like why he missed Lone Starr when he was three inches in front of him!" Helmet muttered.

"And that's not the worst, Master,' Cuckoo pointed up into the sky, where Spaceball 2 was magically transforming into a giant…

"BASEBALL PLAYER?" Skroob was mystified, "I didn't even know Spaceball 2 had that setting!"

"Apparently it does," Sandurz said. They all watched in surprise as Mega Slugger (for lack of a better name) started swinging away and knocking the Spaceball fighters all the way out of the Frankfurt Galaxy. "Well, that's it, I'm going back to the service station," Cuckoo threw up his hands in surrender.

"We're not done yet!" Helmet shouted. He grabbed the radio. "Now hear this!" he bellowed, "You droids in that last T.A.R.G.E.T., go!"

Down below, Lone Starr watched in shock as the last T.A.R.G.E.T. accelerated down the trench right toward the helpless Druidia. "Hey Shumway, stop clowning around up there!" he yelled into his intercom, "Do something quick or Druidia's history!"

"I can't," came Willie's voice from the ship, "We're out of ammunition and fighters. And I have no clue where Alf is; he left about a minute ago."

"Oh great!" Lone Starr kicked a boulder in frustration, "Helmet got the drop on us! Isn't there anyone left who can stop them?"

There was a crackling on the radio. "Yep, I'm here and all ready to go!" came Alf's voice over the airwaves.

"Alf!" up in the ship, Willie ran to the window and looked out. "Where are you!" he asked frantically.

"I'm right up against Druidia, and I'm about to let that incoming T.A.R.G.E.T. have its blaze of glory, right Brian?"

"You bet, Alf," added the boy. His family abruptly looked backwards to where their son had been sitting just a few seconds ago, it seemed. "Willie, how'd Brian get…?" a deathly pale Kate asked her husband.

"I thought you were watching…?" Willie ran to Mr. Radar and switched to Teleview setting. Just near Druidia's air shield was a familiar looking vehicle with a humungous bomb labeled THE BIG ONE strapped underneath it. "Shumway, how'd you get my Winnebago started?" an irate Lone Starr demanded.

"Simple, Lone Starr, you left the keys in the ignition," Alf told him. The Melmacian looked through the periscope at the T.A.R.G.E.T. It was right on track. "OK Brian, let 'em have it." he told his friend in the co-pilot seat.

"Letting them have it," Brian hit the firing button. Unfortunately, the bomb failed to dislodge from its mooring. "Oh no, it's jammed, and it's on!" the boy exclaimed in fright.

"Alf, get out of there, quick!" Willie begged him, "Or at least get Brian out of there, for the love of God!"

Alf looked out the window at the fast-approaching T.A.R.G.E.T., then down at the display noting that the bomb had jammed. He took a very deep breath. "Listen Willie," he said slowly, "I'd like to thank you and Kate for giving me a home all these years. I appreciate your hospitality to a poor space traveler."

"What are you saying?" Willie was practically white from fear, as he realized exactly what Alf had in mind, "Alf, no, I beg you, don't, not with Brian on board, this isn't Independence Day…!"

"Sorry Willie, but there's no time and no choice," Alf said, "If it's any consolation, you can keep the parts you find."

"Alf, no!" a horrified Kate screamed, "This isn't a movie! The two of you can't survive if…!"

"Yes, Kate," the alien said, "I'm not going to let another planet blow up on my watch." And with that, he turned off the radio. "Switch to hyperjets, we've got to hit them at full speed," he told Brian. Seeing the fear in the boy's eyes, he said, "Hey, at least we're going out together."

Brian forced a smile. "Switching to hyperjets," he said, activating the Winnebago's secret function. Alf revved the engine as the T.A.R.G.E.T. drew closer, and then abruptly peeled off toward it at well over a billion miles an hour. "Hello boys!" he shouted at the droids running it for no particular reason other than to maintain the ID4 similarity, "I'm baaaaaaaaaacccckk!" Seconds later, the Winnebago collided with the T.A.R.G.E.T. a mere million miles from the open air shield. A blinding flash of white light filled the cosmos, and when it subsided, falling fireballs were all that remained of the two vessels.