SIXTEEN

For about thirty seconds, everyone on Exodosus stared in shock at the massive explosion that had rocked the cosmos. Then most of the people on the ground immediately picked up fighting where they'd left off as if nothing had happened.

Up in Mega Slugger, however, it was a much more somber story. "Oh Brian!" a completely hysterical Kate sobbed at the flashes of debris still flying away from the explosion site, "My poor baby! Why did it have to end like this?"

Her husband and daughter, barely able to control themselves either, could offer little comfort of their own. "I just guess Alf had a mission, after what happened to Melmac," was all Lynn could suggest. "At least we saved Druidia."

Willie rose up, looking incredibly determined. "And now I'm going to pay back this Helmet guy for this," he said in a rough tone, "I'm going down there and I'm going to bring him down with my own two hands! You, Skip, get that beam ready!"

He strode toward the beaming device. "Willie, please, you're not thinking rationally," his wife tries to console him, "We're all upset we lost our son…and our alien, but that's no need to get reckless!"

"Kate, my mind's made up," Willie said firmly, "At least if I don't make it, I'll be with Brian again. Hit that thing, Skip."

"No Willie don't…!" Kate's pleas went unanswered as Skip beamed Willie down to Exodosus's surface. "He'll never last down there," she admitted to Lynn, "We've got to go down and stop him before he hurts himself, or worse."

On the ground, Lone Starr was also still staring blankly up toward Druidia. "My Winnebago," he was moaning, "My beautiful Winnebago. Why did Shumway have to sacrifice it?"

"Why did he have to sacrifice himself too?" Barf wondered. Then a bright look spread over the mawg's face. "Wait a minute, boss, maybe it's in the script. We'll just see…" he dug around through his pockets. "I don't have my copy of the script," he realized. He ran off toward the nearest cluster of rebels asking, "Hey, any of you guys got the script on you?"

"Well," Lone Starr tightened his Schwartz around his finger, "Now that we've saved the world, there's only one thing left to do: fight with Helmet face to face."

"Do you really have to?" Tripley asked him.

"Sorry Trip, but everyone expects it," he ex told her, "And I've got to do it alone, so if you can, hold off all their forces for me while I battle him." And with that,he strolled off toward the control mountain.


In the control room, Skroob was practically at hysterics himself. "My beautiful T.A.R.G.E.T.s!" he lamented, "So much money to build, and so cheaply destroyed!"

"They didn't destroy all of them sir," Sandurz informed him, "We've still got the Widowmaker model in the mantle with its superior gigaton bomb. Shall we launch it?"

Skroob immediately perked back up. "Yes, yes, launch it at once," he ordered.

"Sir," said a technician, "We're picking up an intruder entering the mountain on Level 3. It looks like…"

"Lone Starr," Helmet knew it already. He yanked down his visor. "Come Cuckoo," he told his apprentice, "It is time for the final showdown."

"Yes Master," Cuckoo followed him into the elevator. Helmet pressed the button for Level 3. Lone Starr was waiting for them in the hall outside. "So Helmet," the hero said, "We once again meet again for the last time. Until next time, probably."

"So Lone Starr, you think you've won at last?" Helmet asked him, "You can't win a double team against my apprentice and I, that's for sure."

"We'll see about that," Lone Starr activated his Schwartz beam. Helmet did the same. "As you can see, Lone Starr, mine is now much bigger than yours," the villain pointed out.

"Yeah, well, you know what they say, Helmet, it's not the size that counts, it's how you use it," Lone Starr told him, "And I'm going to use..."

Just then the door to his right was slammed open in his face, causing him to reel backwards. An irate Willie stormed out of it. "Dark Helmet!" he shouted at the heavy, "I want you! You took my son, you took my…alien, and now, I'm paying you back, you foul demon of space!"

"Boy is that lame dialogue," Cuckoo commented to his master.

"It's you and me, one on one, only one of us is leaving this planet alive!" Willie raised his fists and made jabbing motions with them, "Come on you ape, put 'em up and give me your best shot!"

"Uh, it may be good of me to point out you may want to use one of these," Lone Starr tossed one of the Schwartz rings he'd taken off General Mills at Willie. Willie fumbled it for a second and dropped it on the floor. "Right," the human said, pointing it comically at Helmet. Then he had no other choice but to ask, "Uh, Mr. Lone Starr, if you don't mind, how exactly does this work?"

"Oh my God!" Lone Starr rolled his eyes. "On your finger LIKE THIS," he demonstrated, "Now flick to activate it."

"Uh, it's not working," Willie said, flicking it quite the wrong way.

"You need to put some emphasis into it!" Lone Starr was very exasperated.

"While you're working this out," Helmet lunged toward Lone Starr with his Schwartz. The hero blocked it, and soon the two were in another heated duel. Cuckoo, in the meantime, slipped an extra large Schwartz on his finger. He activated four beams, one on each side of the ring. "You get me, pathetic Earthling," the clown told Willie, who was still struggling to get his Schwartz activated. He lunged forward. Willie did the best thing he could at the moment; he turned and started running as fast as he could, screaming at the top of his lungs all the way. "That's right you really want revenge," Lone Starr shouted sarcastically at his as he ducked another swipe from Helmet.

"I see you still do well in your Schwartz skills," Helmet said, stopping for a minute, "But let's see if you have the new optimum Schwartz power as I do."

He activated a trigger on the side of his ring and promptly leaped high into the air. Lone Starr looked at his ring, saw a similar trigger on it, and flicked it as well. He took the biggest leap he could, and soon he and Helmet were literally fighting it out on the ceiling, leaping from wall to wall.

Willie, meanwhile, was just barely able to stay ahead of the pursuing Cuckoo. "You can't run forever!" the clown taunted him, waving his Schwartz around wildly.

"No, but I'm going to get as far away as I can," Willie said. Panicked, he turned the corner and found himself stuck in a dead end. "So much for far away," Cuckoo laughed, advancing toward the human, "This will be quick and…"

And then without warning, a familiar furry object crashed through the ceiling and landed right on top on Cuckoo. "ALF!" Willie exclaimed, surprised to see the Melmacian in one piece.

"Hey hey hey, it's NOT Fat Albert!" Alf announced, dusting himself off, "How's it been going, Willie?"

"Fine, fine, but I thought you and Brian were…is Brian alive?" Willie asked breathlessly.

"Alive and ticking, partner," Brian called from through the big hole in the ceiling.

"Oh son!" Willie grabbed hold of his child and gave him one of the biggest hugs imaginable, "I thought we'd lost you! How did you get out before the explosion?"

"Two words Willie, optional sunroof," Alf told him, "Captain Lone Starr made a good deal in putting that in his Winnebago."

"That's enough!" Cuckoo rose to his feet, "Now I'll kill all of you until you all die from it!"

"Not in front of my son!" Willie tried once again without luck to activate his Schwartz. "Like THIS, Willie," Alf took it off him and activated the ring's yellow beam without any trouble. "And incidentally, I happened to have found one of my own," he added, slipping an equally oversized Schwartz and turning on its purple beam.

"Good, Alf, you take him on the left, I'll take him on the right," Willie told him. The two of them engaged Cuckoo, who nevertheless still had two Schwartzes for each of theirs. "Come and get me," the clown challenged them, using the optimal Schwartz power to leap up onto the ceiling. Alf activated his and went up after him. Willie attempted the same, but instead fell flat on his face. He wasn't really needed, though, as Alf was holding out well in his duel. "OOOOOh, what a feeling," the Melmacian crooned as he blocked every thrust Cuckoo made toward him, "When we're fighting on the ceiling. Oh, what a feeling, when we're fighting on the ceiling…."

"You sing well, Shumway," Cuckoo told him, "For an annoying, useless furball."

"Oh look who's talking, spot-head," Alf swung and sheared one of Cuckoo's Schwartzes off his ring. Both watched as it fell to the floor and rolled into a crack in the floor. Then Cuckoo growled and charged straight at Alf. "Toro, toro, ole!" Alf shouted as he jumped aside and let Cuckoo run right into the wall, knocking himself senseless.

Up the hall, Lone Starr and Helmet were fighting hard and strong. Neither had been able to overcome the other so far. Finally, they stopped for a breather and drank glasses of water that had been set up near the vent, apparently by the production crew. "So Lone Starr," the villain said, "Yogurt has primed your skills well."

"Yogurt knows how to prime a lot of things, from skills to numbers to ribs," Lone Starr told him, "Actually, Helmet, you surprise me. I thought you'd have started cheating by now."

"You mean like this?" Helmet whistled loudly. From out of nowhere, a squad of attack droids ran up, guns cocked. "You see Lone Starr, I always prepare for every occasion," Helmet said smarmily. He turned to the droids and ordered, "Attack!"

The droids attacked all right; they turned toward Helmet and blasted him with everything they had. "Not me you mechanical morons!" Helmet shouted, curling up into a ball, "Him!"

"I'll save you Master!" Cuckoo ran up the hall and proceeded to destroy every droid there with his Schwartzes. "Thanks," a heavily shot-up Helmet told his apprentice once it was over and the robots lay in wrecks on the ground.

"Are we still going to parlay?" Lone Starr asked.

"Yes," Helmet lunged straight at Lone Starr, who stepped aside and watched as his adversary sailed ungracefully down a long staircase that had been behind him. The hero rushed down to where he lay and struck the villain with his Schwartz—but as before, it had no effect on Helmet. "What is the story with this!" he exclaimed, striking in several more places, "Why can't I do you in?"

"Because evil never dies, Lone Starr," Helmet taunted him as the good guy deactivated his Schwartz, "Well, now that you know you can't kill me, what are you going to try now, big boy?"

"This," Lone Starr started tickling Helmet under the armpits. "Whoo hoo, stop, don't, ha ha, please, stop that, ha ha ha ha ha!" Helmet lurched backwards trying to get away—and fell down another long set of stairs. "That wasn't fair!" he shouted up.

"Give up, Helmet," Lone Starr told him, "I've beaten you fair and square."

"I never give up!" Helmet jumped back up and attacked again. Above him, there was another buzzing as another Schwartz was blasted off Cuckoo's ring. "Now the odds are a little fairer here," Alf said, "You may want to actually help out here a little, Willie."

"I'm doing the best I can with none of this Schwartz power!" Willie protested. Nonetheless, he made several goods thrusts at Cuckoo.

"Go get him, Dad!" Brian encouraged his father from the top of the stairs.

"BRIAN!" his mother ran up to him and gave him too many kisses to count, "Oh baby, oh baby, don't ever scare us like that again! How did you get out before the explosion!"

"Where's Dad?" Lynn asked before her brother could answer.

"Down there," Brian pointed, "He and Alf are kicking butt."

Kate looked over the railing. "Well, I'll give him that," she commented, "But we'd better stop him before something bad happens."

Below, the dual battles moved onto a stone walkway over a deep pit, at the bottom of which there was a pool of boiling lava. Helmet stepped a little too close to the edge and almost fell over. Lone Starr was on him before he could recover. "Surrender, Helmet," he ordered.

"Very well, Lone Starr," his adversary said, "I guess you win. Put it there."

He extended his arm. "Oh no," Lone Starr said, putting his arm behind his back, "I'm not falling for that again."

"Oh," Helmet shrugged, "Say, what's that over there?" he suddenly pointed to the far wall of the cavern. Lone Starr foolishly turned the other way to look, and while his attention was diverted, Helmet pulled the ring off his finger. "Ha, you fool!" the villain exclaimed, "The second oldest trick in the book,and you fall for it!"

He tossed the ring into the abyss below. "Any final requests, Lone Starr?" he asked.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, can I have your ring?" Lone Starr asked.

"Forget it," Helmet snapped. "Now you finally get that dessert you ordered a long time ago."

He made his Schwartz glow brightly, aiming straight for Lone Starr's genitalia…

"Breakfast is served!" came Alf's shout. Before Helmet knew what hit him, he was hit in the face with a pancake. As he staggered backwards, the blast meant for Lone Starr shot up through the ceiling. "Why you…!" he shouted, looking over to where the Melmacian and his human counterpart had overcome and de-Schwartzed a once again senseless Cuckoo, "Where the hell did you get that thing?"

"Right here," Lynn at the controls of the pancake tosser fired another salvo with the alien. Helmet was hit broadside with a whole stack. He staggered and collapsed to the ground. "How did it get to this?" he groaned, knowing the difficulty in this all coming together as it was. Nevertheless, he got up and took aim at his mortal enemies with the ring, but before he could…

There was a loud rumble as something big and heavy crashed through the roof of the cavern. It tumbled down into the lava below, where it exploded out of sight. No sooner had this happened than Barf came running in. "Hey guys, I got good news and bad news," he announced out loud, "The good news is Shumway and the kid got out OK."

"We know that," Willie told him, giving his son and houseguest squeezes.

"Oh, good, well, the bad news is, the Widowmaker Spaceball ship got hit by something and fell down here; I think it was armed, and…is that shaking normal?" Barf had noticed that the whole cavern was shaking. Rocks started falling from the ceiling and the lava below began gushing upwards. "Thank you for imploding Exodosus's core," announced the computer's public address voice over the loudspeakers, "This planet will self destruct in exactly five minutes."

"Oh my God, is this whole planet going to blow?" Kate gasped.

"Honestly Kate, do you think this story would be complete without a hair-raising ending?" Alf said, "At least with this battle ending now, we won't have to listen to Helmet go into some big long monologue over how great and bad he is, and what they'd do after they killed us, and everything we did wrong up to that point, and…"

"Shumway, now you're monologuing!" Lone Starr told him, "Come on, everyone follow me, we've got less than five minutes until Doomsday."