SEVENTEEN
In the control room, Skroob and Sandurz stared around at the myriad of sirens going off. "Now what's going on?" the president asked out loud, "Don't tell me we're going to have to go through another whole self-destruct scene."
"Thank you for imploding Exodosus's core," the computer announced over the loudspeakers, "This planet will self-destruct in exactly four minutes and thirty-three seconds."
"I asked you not to tell me that!" Skroob yelled up at the nearest loudspeaker.
"Sorry," the computer said.
Sandurz activated the radio. "Attention all personnel," he announced as the Spinners' main Spaceball theme starting blaring from overhead as if by magic, "Abandon planet, abandon planet. Everybody head for the escape rockets, everybody head for the escape rockets. Shut down all the stores in the shopping center, shut down all the stores in the shopping center. Evacuate the 3-D theater, evacuate the 3-D theater. Why am I repeating myself? Why am I repeating myself? I don't know. I don't know. Oh what the hell? Oh what the hell? I'm getting out of here. I'm getting out of here."
There was a mad dash as everyone in the control room ran madly for the exits. The walls were starting to shake noticeably. "I got first dibs on the elevator," Skroob shouted, pushing his way through a sea of panicked technicians to get top it. He pried the doors open—and then jumped back as a huge jet of lava burst up the shaft. "On second thought, I got first dibs on the stairs," he added.
Down below, Lone Starr led the rest of the good guys through the maze of corridors deep in Exodosus, all the while avoiding collapsing ceilings and walls. "Everyone who's still up there, get off the planet while you still can!" he was shouting over his radio, "Don't worry about us; we'll be fine."
"And I suppose you have an airtight way to get us off this rock before it blows even though you're asking all our aid to leave?" Willie inquired, jumping upwards to avoid a stalagmite breaking through the floor.
"Well I haven't that out yet, although I wouldn't have to if my Winnebago hadn't been needlessly sacrificed in the battle," Lone Starr glared at Alf.
"Hey Cap, look at the bright side, any and all damage incurred is easily covered by Safe Auto," Alf told him.
"If I didn't know…" Lone Starr was cut off as a trio of Spaceballs jumped in front of them. "Freeze, you!" one of them shouted.
Barf drew an imaginary knife. Growling, he made a stabbing motion at the trooper. His "victim" groaned and sank to the floor, even though he hadn't even been touched. Barf stabbed at a second guard, who followed suit. The last one, however, stood firm while Barf "stabbed" away. "Damn, outta ammo!" the mawg lamented.
"I'm not," Alf pulled out an imaginary bazooka and fired at the last guard, who recoiled screaming into the wall and slumped down.
"Good thinking, Gordon," Barf patted Alf on the shoulder.
"Thanks, at least somebody's willing to always thank me when I solve a crisis," Alf blew fake smoke off the imagined barrel of his bazooka and gave Willie a look.
There was a barrage of laser blasts as more troopers came charging up the hall. Barf, as the only one with a weapon, fired back at them. "If you can solve this one, Gordon, we'd greatly appreciate it," the mawg told the Melmacian.
"And lucky for you, Barf, the old Alfer's got one in mind," Alf said, pointing to a vending machine selling 7-Down soda, "Who's got quarters?"
"Um, I've got about five of them," Lynn said, searching through her pockets.
"I've got two," Brian held out his in his palm.
"Good enough," Alf took them all and inserted the first quarter into the vending machine. "Fire in the hole!" he shouted, pressing the button for a 7-Down and hitting the deck. A can of 7-Down shot of the machine like a bullet and exploded near the troopers, causing them to scurry for cover. Alf dropped in more quarters and soon had the Spaceballs on the run from his high-caffeine mortars. The final can, however, jammed in the slot. Noticing the lull, the two Spaceballs who hadn't run away resumed firing. Alf tugged at the can with no results. "A little help please?" he asked everyone present. The others ran over and tried to yank the can out—except for Barf, who pulled the entire front off the vending machine. About eight dozen cans of 7-Down rolled around on the floor. "I'm not that thirsty," Alf told him.
"Let's see what we got here," Lone Starr picked up one can, shook it up good, then popped the top and tossed it like a grenade. It landed near the farthest trooper, who was too busy firing at the good guys to notice the spraying can. His associate did, though, and was gracious enough to smother it in time. It exploded underneath him, causing him to shout for a medic.
At this point, the roof started collapsing in the hall, prompting everyone good and bad to start running—the "wounded" Spaceball tediously. "This planet will self-destruct in exactly three minutes," the computer reminded everyone.
"We know, we know!" Lone Starr shouted up at the ceiling, "Do you honestly think none of us are wearing watches?"
"Well excuse me, Mr. Pushy," the computer retorted.
"It really doesn't make much logical sense," Willie confided in his wife as they turned right toward what was hopefully the surface, "The fact that they can time this out, I mean. How can they possibly tell you the exact moment the planet's going to blow up? You just can't."
"Well Willie, nothing about these people is logical," Kate pointed out, "Why should the planet self-destructing be any different?"
"Good point," Willie agreed.
Up in the escape rocket causeway, it was pure pandemonium. Hysterical Spaceballs rushed here and there in a desperate attempt to lock up an escape craft before the planet exploded. Many were carrying valuables from Spaceball stores on Exodosus that they'd heisted during the breakdown in order. It was into this melee that Helmet and Cuckoo came running. "I don't see any openings, Master," Cuckoo confided in him.
"No, but I have mine on reserve for—hey you, get out of my rocket!" Helmet yelled at a person climbed into the helmet-shaped rocket he'd specifically set aside as his own. "You?" he gasped upon seeing it was the mime, "But I had you shot back on Planet Spaceball!"
The mime shook its head, eye-poked Helmet over his glasses, and ran into the rocket while doing the Curly Howard hat rattle. Before Helmet could recover, he launched it. "Get back here you silent slug!" Helmet yelled up the shaft after it.
"I guess he sure told you, Master," Cuckoo shrugged.
"Just shut up and find a craft for me!" Helmet shouted, eye-poking Cuckoo in turn.
On the opposite side of the causeway, a panicked Skroob and Sandurz entered the area, along with dozens of other equally panicked Spaceballs. "Well Sandurz, it's every Spaceball for himself," the president announced, "If we don't see each other, it's been sort of nice knowing you. And with that I see my ride."
He ran for the nearest open rocket, but was beaten to it by an organ grinder. "Outta there, bub!" Skroob shouted at him, "I got diplomatic immunity; that means I get first draw!"
"You got diplomatic immunity, and my monkey's got a taser," the organ grinder told him. He nodded at his monkey, who pulled out the taser in question and let Skroob have it. Skroob shot backwards across the floor, vibrating wildly from the shock. The monkey laughed and pulled the launch lever.
Sandurz, meanwhile, wasn't having much luck of his own. He ran for the first craft he saw, only to find it occupied already by Jichael Maxson. "Come on, JM, give the nice colonel his escape rocket," Sandurz pleaded.
"Sorry Colonel, but I've got to Beat It," Maxson told him, "You can call me a Smooth Criminal if you like, see the world in Black or White, but remember, I Just Can't Stop Loving You."
He pulled the launch lever, but at that moment, Sandurz reached in and pulled him out of the rocket before the door slid closed. The rocket took off empty. "Wait for me!" Cuckoo yelled, barreling across the causeway. The clown grabbed onto the rocket's thrusters and flew up the shaft out of sight with it. The back draft from the exhaust ignited Maxson's hair. "Oh no, not again!" the singer shrieked, and with that started running around pointlessly with the flames leaping high in the air.
"This is your two minute warning," the computer announced to everyone still on the planet, "This planet will self-destruct in exactly two minutes."
At the far end of the causeway, Helmet spotted one of the few remaining unlaunched rockets. The only problem was that a woman in a blue dress was already getting into it. "Miss," Helmet said, running toward her, "I'm willing to offer you ten million spacebucks for that rocket."
"The person turned around. It was a large bearded man. "Hello, buttercup," he said in a deep masculine voice, and with that kissed Helmet passionately on the lips. While Helmet sputtered in shock, he launched into the air after the dozens of other rockets headed for the safety of space.
"Sir, are you all right?" Sandurz ran up to Helmet.
"Fine, fine," Helmet said, wiping his face, "I'll tell you one thing, Sandurz, he…she…whatever, kisses like Hedy Lamarr."
"That's Hedley!" shouted the Blazing Saddles villain as he jumped into an open escape rocket nearby that Helmet had failed to notice. Both Helmet and Sandurz lunged for the craft, but Lamarr launched it before they could reach it.
"Wouldn't you just believe it?" Skroob asked as he ran over, "We're down to just one pod again."
"Oh great," Sandurz groaned, "I guess we'll have to draw straws for it."
"Good, you two draw the straws, and I'll take the rocket," Skroob made a beeline for it.
"Oh no you don't!" Helmet jumped on top of his boss before he could reach it. The two of them rolled around on the floor—until they saw Sandurz was getting into the last rocket. Both of them lunged at the colonel, causing all three of them to be stuck in the rocket's doorway. All six of their arms reached for the launch lever. Sandurz's left arm hit it first. As soon as the door started lowering, the three of them realized they'd made a mistake. "Back out!" Skroob yelled, but it was too late. The rocket lurched up the shaft, dragging the villains along with their rumps scraping against the shaft walls.
Outside, Lone Starr and the others burst out onto the surface just as the entire face of the mountain gave way, blocking the exit from the inside of the mountain. Earthquakes were rocking Exodosus as far as the eye could see, causing fissures to open on the surface at numerous locations and lava to spill out. "Great, they're all gone," Barf groaned, scanning the empty skies for the now absent Mega Slugger, "With friends like them, who needs enemies?"
"This planet will self-destruct in exactly one minute," the computer said on the loudspeakers set up all over the outside of the planet, "Last call for everyone who wants to make it to the next film."
"What a way to go," Willie moaned, pounding his head on a boulder, "I knew we should have called the Alien Task Force when they came…"
"Wait a minute," Lone Starr held up his hand, "I feel the presence of…Yogurt."
"Where?" Barf looked around before noticing a bright light in the sky coming toward Exodosus, "Aha!" the mawg exclaimed, "I knew Yogurt would play an active part in the climax somehow!"
"But he'll never get low enough before the planet blows," Kate pointed out.
"Then we've got to go to him," Lone Starr announced, "We've got to get up to the top of that plateau there for him to pick us up."
"Well that's good except for one very small detail," Willie told him, "That plateau is at least a hundred feet high; there's no way we could get up to the top of it in forty-five seconds."
"Dad's right," Lynn agreed, "Sorry Captain Lone Starr, but it's pretty much over, I'm afraid."
"It's not over yet," Lone Starr said emphatically, "Because I still have the power of the Schwartz."
"Hello, Earth to Captain Lone Starr, Dark Helmet threw your ring into the core!" Willie shouted hysterically, possibly out of fear that there was less than forty seconds left.
"The ring's nothing," Lone Starr said, "The Schwartz is in me. Everyone grab hold of me; it's the only way."
"This is insane," Kate muttered, but she grabbed a hold of Lone Starr's jacket like everyone else. Lone Starr looked up at the cliff and concentrated as hard as he could. Immediately, he lifted off the ground like magic and levitated upward toward the top of the plateau. "Good thinking, LS!" Alf shouted emphatically, "Keep that Schwartz power pumping!"
"Oh my God, we're high up, we're really high up!" Kate was shouting now as the lava-filled surface of Exodosus receded below them. She shut her eyes until they came to a firm landing at the top of the plateau. Lone Starr gestured upward to the large ice cream cone-shaped spacecraft blasting toward them. Inside the cockpit, Yogurt waved back. "Okay Rinky, drop the ladder," he told the Dink driving the ship, "And get as low as you can; we're only going to get one pass at this—as if we ever do get more."
"Dink dink dink, dink dink," the Dink winked and pressed the buttons to lower the steel ship ladder down into place. He then pushed low to get lined up perfectly.
But just when everything seemed neatly wrapped up, another earthquake rocked the plateau, which then started collapsing to the ground. "Drat!" Lynn cursed, "As if this couldn't get any worse!"
"Everybody, make like Carl Lewis!" Barf shouted, running toward the far end of the plateau and rescue. With the ground rapidly giving way behind them, no one argued. Still, Yogurt's ship was still a long way off.
"I don't think we're going to make it!" Kate cried, hoisting Brian up on her shoulders before he could far behind.
"We'll make it!" Alf counter argued, "Or my name isn't Alf—which of course, you know, it really isn't."
"Could you save it till we get on board, if we get on board?" Willie scolded him. The collapsing plateau was right on their heels, and they were about to run out of land. Below them lay bubbling lava at temperatures well over a million degrees.
"Go for broke!" Lone Starr yelled. Putting on their last bursts of speed, everyone jumped off the edge of the plateau just as it collapsed, and in perfect synchronization flew through the air before grabbing hold of the ladder as Yogurt's ship blew past. "If that wasn't close, I don't know what is," Barf said, breathing a big sigh of relief, "For a moment there, I thought I was going to end up a real hot dog."
"Not to go off topic, but on Melmac, we didn't have hot dogs, we had hot cats," Alf explained."
"Do you always have to bring cats up at the wrong timer?" Willie groaned, looking nauseated.
The trapdoor slid open. "Uh, you folks want to come inside, or would you prefer to be irradiated when the planet blows in twenty seconds?" Yogurt asked down to them.
"Is that a trick question?" Alf asked him back, "Of course we're coming up."
On the other side of the planet, the bad guys' escape rocket—with no one at the controls—weaved drunkenly all over the sky, spelling out the phrase "Eat at Joe's" with its exhaust. Finally, it crashed back to the ground inside a canyon. The villains tumbled out, their buttocks visible from the scraping against the launch tube. "Right back where we started!" a frustrated Skroob groaned, looking up at the insurmountable canyon walls, "And I could swear this wasn't in the script!"
"This planet will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds," the computer blurted out, "Counting down. Ten, nine, two, five, eight, three…"
"It's busted," Helmet let out a small chuckle, "It's lost its mind! Maybe it won't blow after all."
"Don't you wish," the computer said tauntingly. Realizing they were once again out of luck, the three villains donned blindfolds and cigarettes and waited for the end of the world as the countdown recommenced: "Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one…happy Purim."
"Thank you," Skroob, Sandurz and Helmet moaned.
"You're welcome," the computer answered. And with that, Exodosus exploded in a massive supernova. Fragments of the planet scattered to all sections of the galaxy, many of them barely missing Yogurt's ship as it jetted out of harm's way. Inside the cockpit, all the good guys cheered at the demise of evil yet again. "We did it!" Barf howled in delight, "We' repainted Helmet's little red wagon all over again!"
"And then whitewashed it for good measure," Alf added. He popped a bottle of champagne. "OK, who gets the first drink?"
"Look at there," Brian pointed out the window. The Dink driving the ship just managed to stop in time to avoid hitting the fragment of the planet to which the bad guys were now clinging for their lives. "So long, suckers!" Alf shouted at them as they flew past at well over the speed of sound, "See you next Nathanganger!"
On the soaring meteor, Helmet stopped screaming for a second to shake his fist at the receding ice cream ship. "This isn't over yet, Lone Starr!" he bellowed, "Nor with you, Shumway! Next film, I will get my revenge once and for all!"
"Black, black, black, black…!" Sandurz stammered in horror. Helmet turned around to see that they were flying straight toward a black hole. "Run!" he screamed, pushing forward as hard as he could, "Try and reverse course!"
Skroob and Sandurz tried to run along with him, but it was already too late. With a low thwooping sound, the meteor was sucked into the black hole, taking all three men with it. On board Yogurt's ship, Lone Starr saluted it as it vanished from sight. "Godspeed, Dark Helmet," he said reverently, "You were the best—and only—foe I've ever faced."
"Do you think he'd come back out of the hole?" Lynn had to ask.
"Oh sure he'll be back," Yogurt told her, "In about a billion years."
"Don't be too sure about that," Alf pointed out, "They always come back for the sequels no matter how improbable the situation."
"Well if they do, we'll be ready," Yogurt entered some directional coordinates into the ship's computer, "In the meantime, let's get all you people home."
