Whose Line is it Anyway: Hellsing Style

Porunga: Yes, hello and welcome back. The scores are all quite exciting, unlike the show. We will now move on to a game called Weird Newscasters, for all four contestants.

Integra: We're actually competing?

Porunga: Hardly. Anyway, In this game you all will report on the evening news, only Integra is the only sane one. The others all have little quirks that they must act out. So let's see, Integra is the head anchor and Alucard is your co-anchor. Alucard, your quirk is that you are Jan, and you think Integra is Luke.

Alucard: ….what the-?

Porunga: Seras, you're doing the sports and you're a Mooninite.

Victoria: WHAT?!

Porunga: Oh hush. Alexander, you're doing Weather and you've uncovered a gateway to hell behind your weather map.

Alexander: Oh perfect.

Porunga: So when you hear the news music, take it away.

Integra: (Sitting in a stool as the news music starts up. Alucard is sitting in a chair next to her laughing and trying to look like Jan. Alexander is to Alucard's left, Seras is off to Integra's right, looking slightly pissed.) Good evening, and welcome to BBC 3, 6:(checks her watch) 43 news. In today's top story, there are possums flying through the air in Brisbane. For more on that story we go to my co-anchor.

Alucard: Hey man, those little fcks at the Hellsing building won't know what fcking hit them, will they bro? (Starts repeating the f word over and over as Integra sighs and covers her face)

Integra: And now, let's see how things went in sports today with out very own Seras Victoria!

Seras: (Talks like Ignignokt) Yes, thank you inferior human. (Switches to Err) Give us some frigging beer! (Switches back) Yes, give us beer, or give us a clean shot with our death ray. Anyway, you're inferior Earth sports do not interest us, so we will simply leave (gives the finger to everyone and runs off)

Integra: Umm…let's move on to weather.

Alexander: (Using one of his knives as a pointer) Hey thanks, we should be having a heat wave over Hampshire for the next week or two, and the fire warnings in London are- (Pretends to poke the weather screen open and makes demonic yelling sounds. He looks behind him and then at Integra) I don't want to but…I just can't stop! (Pretends to dive into the weather screen then starts yelling) Oh God!! MTV, nothing but MTV! (Covers his ears) SOMEONE TURN OFF THE MICHAL BOLTON MUSIC!! (Stares at Porunga) So this is how you got two fics… (Rushes back through everything then pants and looks at Alucard) One of them has followed me here!!! (Stabs him) And then it's nothing but rain until Friday. Back to you Integra!

Integra: There you have it, the news…more or less. Until next time (pulls the blade out of Alucard and uses it to salute the camera) I'm gonna get drunk now! (buzzz)

Porunga: That was beautiful, 10,000 points to each of you. For out next game, you all get to play a personal favorite of mine, Scenes from a Hat. (There is much applause as they move to opposite sides) Let's see, your first scene is…things BIGDADDY and/or Porunga do in between updates.

Alucard: (Walks out and staggers around as if drunk, shortly joined by Alexander) And then…Ed goes, "but P-chan, you're my one and only" and I'm all like- (buzzz)

Seras: (Walks out along with Integra) Hey Porunga (They embrace and pretend to make out, followed by much laughing as Gunlord and Thunderchaos restrain BIGDADDY and Porunga)

Porunga: (calming down and smoothing out his hair) Ok…Reason's why Anderson hates Vampires

Seras: (Pulls out Anderson) I can float through walls and yoooou caaaan't! (Sticks out her tongue at Anderson)

Porunga: Day jobs for the cast when not working on a Hellsing episode.

Alexander: (Walks out and talks in monotone) Hello, welcome to McVatican, do you want an exorcism with your order?

Alucard: (Walks out and pretends to make a balloon animal, while Seras act's like a mime)

Porunga: (stares at Integra) …Well?

Integra: Well what?

Seras: Let's see something about you Miss Integra!

Integra: (sighs and steps out then starts pretending to play guitar and does the punk rock head bang. Porunga laughs his ass off and hits the buzzer hard)

Porunga: Oh dear God that was amazing! (Pulls out another scene) You have got to be freaking kidding me! Who wrote this down!?

Yami-Ko: I did! (laughs her ass off and runs out of the building)

Porunga: Security! (Ed runs out in a police uniform with the cap pulled over her eyes and runs into the audience) Oi Vey

Alucard: So what's the scene?

Porunga: (sighs and crumples it up) Things Porunga does while in dragon form (The cast laughs and shakes their heads)

Anderson: (walks out then picks his nose) Whoo, it's in there deep! (buzzzz)

Alucard: (Pretends to breathe fire) Marshmallows are done! (buzzzz)

Seras: (Walks out after grabbing Ed and starts making out with her as Integra makes funky porno music in the background)

Porunga: THAT'S A DAMN LIE!

Ed: But…Edward remembers us doing this about three days ago (buzzzzz)

Porunga: Nevermind, twenty eleven points to each of you.

Alexander: Eh?

Porunga: Point's don't matter, so I'll give you fake amounts if I want.

Alucard: Makes sense to me, priest

Alexander: Just shut up you disgusting creature.

Seras: Hey, don't talk to my master like that!

Integra: Would you all just shut up so we can continue?!

Porunga: Yeah, you act like 6 year olds. (adjusts his cards and straightens his hair out) Our next game is always a crowd pleaser, it's….

Seras: Oh no

Alexander: Anything but that!

Alucard: Huh? What's going on?

Porunga: ….Ho Down (The crowd goes wild as all four trudge up to the front in the following order: Integra, Alexander, Seras and Alucard) Now, we need a subject for this little Ho Down.

Rachel: Vampires!

Porunga: Well…it works. (Alexander sighs and shakes his head) Ok guys, let's hear the Vampire Ho Down (BIGDADDY starts to play the ho down theme on a piano)

Integra: Well I lead Hellsing,

It's a whole lot of work.

Cause we have to kill vampires,

After it gets dark.

Vampires really suck,

Except for Alucard

Cause when it comes to killing him

It is insanely hard! (Does a little doe-see-doe)

Alexander: Well I hate vampires,

They screwed up my life

One almost killed me

I was in major strife

Then I met the Vatican

And everything changed

I now kill vampires

But act a little deranged (hooks arms with Integra and spins around with her)

Seras: I just became a vampire

But I can't really adjust

I have to kill people

To satisfy my bloodlust!

But I guess it's pretty cool

To float through walls and things

And men always run away

When I have a mood swing! (High fives Integra)

Alucard: I am the Vampire King

I will be to the end

And because of that

I don't need any friends

But even though I'm the king

I still have to serve my master

All because of Van Helsing

That rotten stinking bastard!

Everyone: That rotten stinking Bastaaaaaaarrrd!

Porunga: That was wonderful! We'll be right back with more Hellsing style Whose Line right after this!

Disclaimer: Don't own jack.