Whose Line is it Anyway: Hellsing Style!

Porunga: Ahoy there loyal readers on We once again return to you with an awe inspiring chapter of Whose Line: Hellsing style! (Crowd cheers and Porunga smiles) Also good news, this fic will now be exclusively written on (More cheering) And as compensation for the confusion I may have caused last chapter, let me explain the characters. BIGDADDY and Gunlord are two friends of mine from I include them in most of my stories. They shall be dropped in this case though (Pulls a lever and the two plummet back to Ed is in reference to Edward Wong Hau Peplu Tivrusky the Fourth from Cowboy Bebop, who in the online community, is my love interest (gives a thumbs up making Alucard and Alexander shake their heads in disappointment) Also, in case you can't tell by my name, or the last chapter, I'm a dragon, but I was given a human form by way of a cursed spring, ala Ranma 1/2. But if you want the full story on that, you'll have to read my other fic, Padded Cell on But enough about that, let's get started with a game called…oh, this will be fun!

Seras: What is it? I hope it's whose line!

Integra: I thought that was the name of the show?

Porunga: It is, but there is also a game called "Whose Line" in which case two people act out a scene but are given three slips of paper with random quotes and line on them. Then they use the lines in the skit, but they never get to look at them except when they're about to say them. So at times it's just plain hilarious!

Seras: Ohhh, do I get to be in it!

Porunga: Yes, you get to play it along with Alexander (The two look at each other and sigh, disappointed) Don't give me that. Now, here are your lines and I need a suggestion of a place you meet vampires.

Random Dude: Night Club!

Porunga: Kinda clichéd, but it'll do. Ok, you're meeting at a nightclub, but as a twist it's because you contacted each other through an online dating service. Anytime you're ready!

Seras: (Pulls out 2 stools, smoothing her dress and crossing her legs as she sits on the first. Alexander steps up to her and sits next to her, both of them not saying a word for a minute or two)

Alexander: Are you "PoliceGirl666"?

Seras: Yeah, are you "T3HHolyMan"? (Everyone chuckles at the use of L33T speak as Alexander nods and looks at her)

Alexander: You look good…the dress is nice.

Seras: Thanks, you too. The cross makes a nice touch.

Alexander: (Looks at the cross around his neck and smiles) Oh, you like? Got it for 2 bucks at a yard sale. Nice bargain, but it tarnishes easily

Seras: Oh, I have a bit of a homemade remedy for that. My mom taught it too me.

Alexander: Really?

Seras: Yeah, she used to say, "Seras, always remember this…(pulls out a slip) God DAMN, my ass is on fire"! (Everyone laughs, Alexander snickering as Seras crumples up the paper and tosses it behind her) Yeah, she had eaten too many laxatives and… (Alexander looks grossed out then looks around)

Alexander: Service certainly is terrible here.

Seras: Oh I'm sure they'll get here eventually.

Alexander: Yes, and when they do, you know what I'm going to tell them? I'm gonna look the bartender straight in the eyes and say…(pulls out his own slip) Excuse me Mr. Hot Pants, but this isn't a fashion show!

Seras: (sweat drops) I'm…sure that will teach him…

Alexander: Damn straight it will! (Slaps his leg and then smiles, miming talking with a bartender) What will you have?

Seras: Well, I guess I'll have a Bloody Mary, but I have a special way of making them…(removes the second paper and snorts as she looks at it) That's it Mr. Giraffe, lick off all the marmalade. (The crowd howls with laughter, Porunga falling out of his chair and Alexander struggling to keep a straight face)

Alexander: Yes, well…that certainly is interesting…(Rummages around for his own second line but a knife falls out. Seras goes with it and looks at him strangely)

Seras: Are you a vampire hunter?

Alexander: Ummmm….(picks up the knife and fiddles with it) Maybe…

Seras: Well, as much as I like you, I want you to know I'm a vamp.

Alexander: Oh…dear…I don't know how to tell you this but I took an…you know, oath against them.

Seras: I see…how did it go?

Alexander: Well, it went like this. (Looks at it and sighs, dropping the paper) The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! (More laughter, Seras actually stumbling off stage to catch her breath)

Seras: Those are the last words I heard before my master was killed! I shall avenge him! (strikes a corny fighting pose as does Alexander)

Alexander: Any last words?

Seras: Surprisingly, I do. (Pulls out her last paper) THE PIPES ARE BROKEN! (Leaps at Alexander, landing on his chest and clutching on tight. Alexander hobbles around and lands on his back. Seras jumps up looking victorious while Alexander jumps up with one of his blades under his arm, giving the cheesy illusion that he's been stabbed)

Alexander: Before I die, I must tell you something…

Seras: And what would that be?

Alexander: I…can't believe…it's not butter (collapses and Porunga buzzes)

Porunga: Jeeze Louise, that was amazing, 23,000 points to you both for that (Alexander and Seras shake hands) Now, onto a little something that one of our reviewers asked for, Green Screen. Thanks for the idea Blumarshin!

Blumarshin: No prob! Just get on with it!

Porunga: You got it man…er…gal…whatever! Now then, this is a game for everyone but Alexander (Integra gets up, catching a mike thrown at her by Porunga while Alucard and Seras sit on a pair of stools) Integra will be an ace news reporter out in the field, but in reality she's only walking ten feet off screen to a green screen, where she won't be able to see what's going on behind her. However we will and Alucard and Seras will try to clue Integra in using hints. So when you're all ready, get moving!

Alucard: (Places his hand to his ear and starts talking to Seras) So then the doctor tells me it's contagious, and that I shouldn't pick at- (Looks up at the camera and clears his throat) We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast for this breaking news bulletin!

Seras: Ace Reporter Integra Hellsing is out on the field, Miss Integra can you hear us?

Integra: (Standing in front of a bunch of film clips of Clint Eastwood in his "Dirty Harry" Movies) Yes, I can barely hear you over the noise! It's terribly exciting, I must say that this is possibly the best moment in my entire career! (Looks behind her as the famous "Do you feel lucky" scene plays)

Alucard: (Smirks and chuckles) Tell us Integra, has this made your day?

Integra: Yes, I must admit that this has really made my day.

Seras: (Cringes as a man is shot) Tell us, doesn't this make you feel a little dirty, being out there in all…that?

Integra: Well, I'll tell you a secret. Just splash a little Pine-Sol on your hands and you'll be fine

Alucard: Indeed. (Pulls out his Jackal and begins pointing it at random things) I'll bet you feel just so lucky to be covering this monumental event, don't you?

Integra: Yeah, I'd say I'm pretty lucky.

Seras: (Talks in a low gravelly voice, imitating Clint Eastwood somewhat) Well, I seem to be getting a bit of a sore throat, so do you have any last words on the matter?

Integra: Yes…He did in fact fire 6 shots (Gets buzzed)

Porunga: You know where you are Integra?

Integra: In a Dirty Harry movie? (Buzz)

Porunga: Correct (Cheers from the audience) Now then, we have one final game for this chapter, and it is "Let's make a date". All four of you come on down, Seras is going to be on a dating show, and is trying to find a date, but she unfortunately only has those three to pick from. Now, normally she could probably find one she wants to go out with, but to throw a wrench in it we've given them strange identities that Seras will have to figure out. So when you're ready, get a move on.

Seras: (Crosses her legs and straightens out her hair) Bachelor Number 1, hello!

Alexander: (Japanese person running from Godzilla) Yes? (Moves his lips out of synch with what he's saying)

Seras: I love picnics. Where would you take me for a picnic?

Alexander: (Still moving his mouth out of time with his talking) Well, above all it has to be away from the coast, and the military has to be surrounding us (looks around then suddenly looks up and screams in terror) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO! (Runs off stage screaming)

Seras: Ummm….ok….Bachelor Number 2, same question.

Integra: (A Hippie convinced that all technology is evil) Duuuude, what?

Seras: A picnic…where would you take me for one?

Integra: Awwww maaaaaan, I dun know. Probably the woods…(Looks at the camera and grabs one of Alucard's guns, shooting at it) Dudes! Not cool! (Porunga leaps over his desk and wrestles the gun from her hands) Free nature man! (Looks disgruntled and pretends to smoke a joint)

Seras: Ummm…Bachelor 3?

Alucard: (Stephen Hawking on an out of control wheel chair) …. (In a hollow robotic voice) Yes?

Seras: Where would we go for a picnic?

Alucard: Well…any place handicap accessible. (Starts making a whirring noises and spinning around on the stool, still talking in a dull robot voice) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. (Makes the whirring noises as he starts running around the studio, eventually colliding with Alexander in the middle of his "escape" from Godzilla. They both fall over and Alucard doesn't move.) Damn it…it…it…it…it…it…it

Porunga: (Buzz) Ok, I have no idea how you can possibly guess these roles, but, go ahead and try.

Seras: Well, bachelor #1 is from a Japanese b-movie

Porunga: Correct (Alexander claps his hands together and shakes them above his head in victory)

Seras: Bachelor #2 is a nature freak?

Porunga: Close, she's a hippie who thinks all technology is evil.

Seras: And #3 is Stephen Hawking!

Porunga: Right! (Everyone returns to their seats as the audience applauds) We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors, don't go away!