Dedication & Chapter One

For Beatrice –

You shall live,

Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.'


Chapter One

Perhaps, at least once in your life, you have attempted to read the back of a shampoo bottle, which is both difficult and pointless. Difficult, a word, which here means 'many disastrous meetings with the horrid Count Olaf' could also describe the lives of the three Baudelaire orphans: Violet Klaus and Sunny. Pointless, a word, which here means 'an attempt to read book ripe with misery and woe' could also describe your attempt to read a book ripe with misery and woe.

At the moment where this chronicle of the Baudelaires' lives take place, which is a particularly unpleasant one, Violet, Klaus and Sunny were sitting in the back seats of violet taxi, with a woman by the name of Kit Snicket, who was driving them through Briny Beach, which was rather gloomy that day, as it was the day when the Baudelaire parents had perished in a terrible fire.

Sunny, the youngest of the Baudelaire siblings, had an interest in biting, and if you have read my earlier installations in A Series of Unfortunate Events, which I certainly hope you haven't, you will know her hobby had helped both her and her siblings. Once, when the Baudelaires lived on a lumber mill, Sunny had engaged a sword and tooth fence with a man by the name of Dr. Orwell. However, recently, cooking had intrigued Sunny, and her knowledge of food had saved her life from a deadly fungus ona submarine dubbed The Queequeg.

Sunny was nearing the age where one no longer speaks ambiguous shrieks but cannot complete a full thought. For example, by, "Questions," she probably meant, "Us Baudelaires have many questions to ask you, Kit."

Violet and Klaus Baudelaire had, of course, lived with Sunny their whole lives, being the ages of twelve and fifteen, so they had learned to understand their younger sister's language, thus they were quick to translate.

"All answers will arrive in good time," answered Kit, "once we arrive at Hotel Denouement."

"This always seems to happen, though," whispered Klaus.

Klaus was a reader, or, perhaps, a researcher. He knew almost every word from aardvark to zyzzyva, because, in what seemed like many, many years ago, when the Baudelaire parents were still alive they owned an enormous library with a book on almost every subject, and Klaus' greatest pleasure came from spending hours learning more and more.

"I know," sighed Kit, "but there are things I don't even understand. We will meet much wiser volunteers at the hotel, so please wait until then."

"Quagmires," insisted Sunny, which probably meant, "Every time Isadora and Duncan would try to tell us the secrets of V.F.D. something like this would happen."

This time, Violet was the only one to translate.

Violet, the eldest Baudelaire, who had only recently turned the age of fifteen aboard The Queequeg, the submarine in which poor Sunny desperately clung onto her life before finding an antidote to the fungus' poison, was probably the most intelligent inventor of her age. Most of the time, she was focused on gears, pulleys, and leaver, and other sorts of mechanical items, but at the moment she was concentrating at the situation at hand.

"What Sunny means is every time we were on the brink of solving a mystery about V.F.D., The Sugar Bowl, or… our parents," she trailed off, "something or someone would interrupt us."

"To be perfectly honest," stated Kit, "There are reasons I can't tell you."


Memories are some of the most powerful forces in the universe. Even after years and years pass a memory can still back to haunt you, and as The Baudelaires drove by the ash and rubble, which was once their home they broke out into tears.

"The world is quiet here," came the soothing voice of Kit Snicket and other verses to make up a stanza, but the Baudelaires were already half a sleep.

"The world is quiet here," yawned Klaus and drifted off into a deep slumber.


"What happened here?"

The Baudelaires awoke to the sound of Kit screaming and cursing, and as they opened their eyes they knew why. At the top of a colossal hotel was a charred sign, which read, "Hotel Denouement." However, the rest of the building was engulfed in bright, fervid flames.

"O must have arrived here before us!" shouted Kit.

O?" questioned Violet stepping out of the car, "do you mean Count Olaf?"

"It probably was Olaf," following suite of his sister and stepping out of the car, also cradling Sunny, "and his troupe of deformed testes."

"Not around Sunny," hissed Violet.

"Testes?" asked Sunny, which probably meant, "What does 'testes' mean?"

Luckily, before the Baudelaires had to explain anything, Kit Snicket walked over to them with a glum look clouding her face.

"You are no longer safe with menow, Baudelaires," she implied.

"But wh-," Violet half asked.

"If you meet anyone from V.F.D. tell them this: Lemony Snicket survived."

"Le-," Sunny started, but was cut off.

"I don't want any questions. All I can say is you must find The Fervid Flames," and with that Kit toward the violet taxi, stepped in, and drove off.

"What the h-," Klaus began, but this time was cut off by Sunny.

"Eureka," shrieked Sunny, which probably meant, "Look what I have found."

Klaus let his baby sister out from his grasp, and she walked ever so carefully to the fire until she grabbed something, crumpled it up in her tiny fist, and walked back towards her older siblings.

Violet took the crumpled paper from her sisters clutch, smoothed it out, and read:

"Experiencing hunger?

Why not dine

On dinner at

The diner

On Dark

Veritable

French Diner

141 Dark Avenue

Ask about a prix fixe

Pre-theatre dinner special

Until the theatre begins."

(The Unauthorized Autobiography page 79)

"V.F.D.," muttered Violet.

"It's from The Daily Punctilio," Klaus wandered aloud, "but here you can see this article was written by Lemony Snicket, so we might as well trust this."

"Schism," added Sunny, which probably meant, "But we don't know which side of the schism Lemony was on."

"It's the only lead we have, though, Sunny," Violet pointed out.

And although the Baudelaires expected this to finally be their happy ending it seemed every chapter in their lives lead to a never-ending series of unfortunate events.


Author's Notes:

Wow, that took awhile. Remember, read and review!