Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Dick Wolf and company. I have just borrowed them for my own, and hopefully your, amusement.
Summary/Author's Note: "Taken" had a high and unfulfilled angst quotient surrounding the death of Olivia's mother. This is my attempt at filling it. Read, enjoy, and review. Thanks!
Olivia sat in her parked car, her hands loosely draped over the steering wheel, her head bowed. She could not remember a time she had felt so drained. A day that had started in such a typical fashion had become one of the worst she had ever experienced. Her mother, her only known family, was gone. A tortured woman's life ended with a drunken fall down a set of stairs. And Elliot had been right. It didn't matter how many families of victims she had helped through some of the first steps after a loss; nothing could have fully prepared her for what she had had to do today.
Melinda had been a godsend, her innate professionalism layered with a friend's true concern. She had personally taken Olivia into the room and stood with her as the sheet was lowered. It was her hand that Olivia had grasped without even realizing it. The M.E. had then taken her into her office to talk through what needed to happen next and her initial findings of the cause of death. She had given her the name of a mortuary that would help take care of everything since neither Olivia nor her mother practiced any particular religion. And she offered her own condolences and any other assistance that could be useful.
Olivia had then gone on to the mortuary and spoken with the funeral director there, an older gentleman named Thomas Mallory. He also had been very kind. He had taken down the necessary information and promised to call Dr. Warner as soon as they finished. He explained some different service options and asked about what time frame Olivia wanted and how many guests to expect. They settled on times for the services but he assured her that she did not have to decide everything right then, the next day would be soon enough for the rest. She thanked him for his time and made her escape. But escape to where?
She had been driving around for a while. She couldn't seem to make herself go home and definitely did not want to face her mother's apartment yet. Thankfully her mother always carried her address book with her so Dr. Warner had given her it along with the other personal effects. With that she could make the calls she needed without having to go through her mother's things today. And while she knew she had people to notify she needed a little time first. So, she had just started driving. Now she found herself in Queens. More subconscious than deliberate, her winding travels had brought her to the Stabler's neighborhood. And while she didn't know what to make of that she wasn't going to dwell on it at the moment. She should get on with the next thing but maybe talking to Elliot a little would help her to settle down first.
Making her decision, she got out of the car and walked down the sidewalk and up the steps to the front door. She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. And waited. When she did not hear the immediate running of children's feet, or any other kind of response, she looked around and noticed for the first time that neither Elliot's nor Kathy's car was anywhere to be seen. Resigned, she lowered her head and turned to make her way back to her car.
Kathy Stabler opened the door to see her husband's partner walking away from the house. Surprise quickly turned to trepidation. Every cop's family lived with the possibility that one day another officer would come to the door and tell them their loved one wasn't coming home. And looking at Olivia's retreating figure that fear took hold. It wasn't so much Olivia's presence itself. Over the years she had been a frequent guest for dinner and family celebrations. But the Olivia she was used to was a confident woman who always walked with strength and purpose. And the woman in front of her didn't appear confident, her gait was slow and her head lowered. Kathy's first thought was that she looked sad and it was that sadness that scared her.
"Olivia," she called, stepping out onto the porch.
At the sound of her name Olivia stopped and turned around. Seeing her partner's wife she walked back toward the house, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. "Kathy, hi. I'm sorry to drop by without calling first but I wondered if Elliot was home yet?"
Relaxing, Kathy responded, "No, not yet. He had that father/son thing at Dickie's school today."
"I'm sorry, I forgot. He's been looking forward to that for weeks. Just tell him I stopped by, OK?" And she started to turn back to the street again.
Now that she knew that Elliot was unhurt, Kathy's concern turned to Olivia herself. Something was definitely wrong. "Olivia, wait. Is everything alright?"
The other woman stopped but did not turn around, nor did she answer.
"Olivia, what's wrong?"
"You haven't spoken with Elliot today, have you?" Olivia turned back around to meet Kathy's curious and concerned eyes.
"No, not since early this morning, why?"
"My mother died today."
As it had been earlier with Elliot, her voice was flat, but her eyes were not. In them her grief was clear. And it was her eyes that had Kathy moving instinctively forward. With a mother's heart, she reached out to the grief-stricken child before her. Taking the last few steps she came to Olivia's side and put an arm around her shoulders. "Olivia, I'm so sorry. Here, let's go inside."
Together they walked back up the stairs and entered the house. The unusual quiet had Olivia looking around the room. "The girls aren't home either?"
"No, it's a rare thing but we have the house to ourselves, at least for the moment. My busy children all had after-school activities today and Maureen is playing chauffeur. One of the few benefits in having a teenage driver. Sit down. Can I get you anything, water? Or I was just going to enjoy a cup of tea before the madness descends again?" She knew she was chattering but she was hoping the ordinary conversation, and the distraction of activity, would give Olivia a few moments to relax.
"Tea would be fine, thanks."
Olivia sat down at the table as Kathy got out cups, a selection of tea bags, and the kettle that had already been heating on the stove. She joined her at the table and for a minute they busied themselves with their tea. Kathy watched as Olivia stared into the cup and aimlessly swirled the tea bag. Putting down her spoon, the blond woman reached over and covered one of the hands with her own. "Do you want to talk about it? I know I'm not Elliot but I am your friend too."
Maybe it was the fact that Kathy was a woman, and a mother. Or maybe she needed someone right then who could be objective. But something had Olivia thinking that maybe it would be all right to talk to her, at least a little. And she had suddenly realized how much she needed to do just that.
"I don't know what Elliot has told you about my relationship with my mother, our history?"
"You know Elliot would never break the trust you put in him. And don't feel that you have to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable right now. All El has ever said is that things were strained between you."
"Strained. Well I guess that's one way to put it. My mother was an alcoholic and today she stumbled out of a bar and fell down some stairs. Her drinking killed her. I guess I should just be glad she didn't kill anyone else."
Kathy could hear the bitterness as well as the pain in her voice. The alcoholism would definitely have caused issues over the years but in her heart she had a feeling it was more than that. But now was not the time to push.
"Maybe everyone feels it when someone in his or her life dies," Olivia continued half to herself, wondering out loud. "The things left unsaid, the actions not taken."
"I think regret is often a part of grief. You know my father died a few years ago?" At the other woman's nod she went on, "things were tense between us for quite some time. He was angry with both Elliot and me for getting pregnant so young. And I felt for years that I disappointed him. He came around eventually and he doted on the kids, but I will always regret the years we wasted."
"But how do you get past it? How do you live with the lost opportunities and the harsh words you can't take back anymore?"
Kathy didn't have a chance to respond. Before she could even begin to search for the words they heard the sound of car doors slamming, followed immediately by running feet. The kitchen door burst open as the three Stabler girls came into the house. A giggling Elizabeth was first, followed closely by her older sisters who seemed to be disagreeing about something.
"Mommy! Guess what I did today?"
"Maureen, please let me borrow it."
"No, I haven't even worn it yet. Mom, tell Kathleen to stay out of my stuff. Hi, Olivia."
Olivia watched the scene in front of her. Elizabeth had given her mother a big hug, tossed a happy hello to Olivia, and launched into an excited tale about her day's adventures. Kathy encouraged her with questions as she also played a quick referee in the clothes battle, all the while playing with the ends of her youngest child's braid. Once their dispute had been mediated the other girls also joined in the conversation, adding their own accounts of the day complete with teenage dramas.
She closed her eyes as a wave of pain struck her. This is what she missed, what she had always missed. Deep down she knew her mother had loved her but they had never had the easy affection that was so evident in Kathy's relationship with her girls. Serena Benson had made a difficult decision after a great personal tragedy and then spent much of the rest of her life running from it, and her child. Olivia had struggled for years to please her, to win her attention. She had had to face the alcoholism and its effects as well as the feelings of inadequacy. And while she had hated her mother at times, she had loved her always. And now that she was gone, the daughter she left behind felt more alone than she ever had before. Tears sprung to her eyes and her first thought was of flight. Coming had been a bad idea. Kathy had been very kind but there was no way she could sit here in the midst of this happy family. It was everything she had always wanted and never had. And never could have. She couldn't bring her mother back. She couldn't change the life they had had together. All she could do at this moment was leave, before the pain overwhelmed her.
She surged to her feet, the action stopping all other conversations. All eyes turned to her in question. "I have to go. Good to see you, girls. Kathy, thanks. Tell Elliot I'll talk to him later." The words poured out, stumbling over each other in her haste.
"Girls, why don't you go upstairs, put your things away, and start on your homework. Dinner will be ready soon."
The girls looked at Olivia in puzzlement but at their mother's nod slowly left the room.
"Liv, why don't you stay for dinner? We'd love to have you and Elliot and Dickie should be home soon."
"I can't. There are things I have to do. I can't. It's just. .too...hard."
Kathy almost couldn't make out the last few words; they were spoken so softly. But when she did the sympathetic understanding was immediate. Of course a family dinner would be difficult for someone who had just lost the only family she had. But she hated for Olivia to leave when she was obviously so upset. "Can we do anything?"
"No...maybe...I just don't know. Maybe later."
Kathy took a step closer and gave her a brief hug then stepped back and, keeping her hands on Olivia's upper arms, said, "I want you to call us if you need anything, even if you just want to talk." Kathy wasn't optimistic that her offer would be accepted but felt compelled to make it anyway.
"Sure. I gotta go. Thanks." And with that she hurried from the house. Kathy watched her go, and cried a few tears herself for a friend who still couldn't shed her own.
