Tug Of War

I've seen you watching me

Your heart on your sleeve

I know your eyes

and they don't lie

they don't lie

You follow me about

asking your question

in a silence that cuts

Cuts to the bone

If only we could go back

and turn around

what we started

Maybe we would

be in love again

I hear your voice

and it makes me cry

For what we were,

what we had

If only we could go back

and turn around

what we started

Maybe we would

be in love again

I thought that my day would never end. The not-so-witty banter that Bosco and I had exchanged for pretty much the whole shift had become redundant and stale, and by the time the clock struck ten I no longer worried that I might tell him how much I loved him.

On the contrary; the entire shift had been filled with both of us making rude remarks and then trying to break the tension by saying something 'safe'. It was still one of the most uncomfortable shifts I'd ever had with him. Bosco could be such a child by times, acting sulky and pouting over my unwillingness to tolerate his snarky attitude. He had taken to calling me 'Sarge' in a rather forceful tone, his voice baring down on the word, as if he hated it now, hated calling me his superior. He hadn't used my first name since the day we parted ways and I knew that by not using it, he was continuing to keep himself separate from me. Maybe it was just me, but it seemed like he was brooding over the fact that I wasn't falling down at his feet, begging for him to give me another chance, like so many other females had done. He was used to woman chasing him down and literally giving themselves to him at his convenience. And that was one thing that I would never do; chase him down.

But for the most part I tried to concentrate on how we were going to bring down Billy Barnes. Barnes was notorious around his neighborhood of Harlem for selling methamphetamine by the truck loads to who ever was willing to buy, be it a fifty year old or a seven year old. He was an old prick who had not one ounce of a conscience or even common sense. He was only in his mid fifties but a long life doing drugs and drinking had made his face look old and leathery, along with his red bulbous nose. A lot of alcoholics had them. I was making it my personal mission to get this guy off the streets, especially since I knew that he had sold drugs to my beautiful, dead sister.

That was almost enough to keep me from thinking about Bosco, sitting beside me, so close that I could smell the sweet scent of his aftershave. No matter how much he drove me crazy, the smell of him always made me melancholy in a way that I had never known before; the need for him to take me in his arms, overwhelming. I hated feeling so needy.

Although Bosco had annoyed me to the point of me wanting to shoot him in the foot, he did have some quiet moments where he would gaze at me with what, I thought, was maybe a look of regret...or was it something else? By nine o'clock we were no further along and I was starving. I radioed Dade to tell him to go back to the house and that we'd meet him later and pulled into Haggerty's.

We took a booth in the back, mostly because we wanted to discuss our plan of action for the next day. I ordered a hamburger and fries and he had a basket of deep fried clams with onion rings and tartar sauce. I sat back and took a big sip of my pop and watched him as he chewed furiously on his food, while trying to convince me that we needed to go back tonight and get this skell. His face was animated as he spoke and the harshness of his tone told me that he was tired, perhaps too tired to be holding this conversation.

I vaguely wondered why he seemed so tired and if he wasn't getting his sleep, on account of him maybe hooking up with some skank. Feelings of intense jealously ran through my veins at the thought. Dammit, I really had to get my head examined. So, instead of leaning over and grabbing him by the ear and leading him to the back room and showing him just how possessive I felt over him, I turned my attention to what he was saying.

'...I mean, really! Does he think we're just gonna let him take control of our streets and sell meth to all the kids in the neighborhood? Sarge, I'm tellin you that we can get him tonight! We just have to...'

'To what? To drive all over New York City and hunt him down?' I leaned forward and gave him a reprimanding look. 'Bosco...we can't do that. I told you already; we can do this to-mor-row when we talk to johnny what-ever and he'll tell us where to pick up Barnes.'

'But...we still have a shot...if we can find Johnny-two-time...then we can get him now!' He urged, running his hand over his ball cap. His whole body tight with emotion and anticipation. He sat back in his seat and crossed his arms over his sculpted chest.

'Johnny is gonna be picked up tomorrow first thing...we still need to get our stuff together and make a better plan.'

'We should be out there now...not tomorrow...he could be selling to some little kid..like the last time...and we're just gonna sit here and do nothing.' He pleaded to me, his eyes growing wide as he watched for my reaction.

'Bosco...we wait. That's it...no more discussion about it.' I said, finishing my burger and slurping my last bit of pop. 'Why are you so hot to get this guy anyway?' I asked pulling my straw out of my mouth. It was the closest thing to a friendly question that we'd had all night.

He looked hard at me, as if trying to see if I was being sarcastic or if I was ready to stop all the banter, his eyes penetrated into mine and locked. He seemed on the verge of saying something important. He leaned forward on the table, and rested his arms on the dark wood and clasped his hands together. The muscles in his mouth twitched, as if he were fighting within himself to keep it all inside. I felt my heart beating madly in my chest and I was sure he could see the longing in my eyes, so I just opened my mouth and kept talking.

'What is it about this guy that makes you so crazy?'

He opened his mouth and took in a deep breath. 'I...nothin...I just don't like junkies selling to kids six and seven years old...that kid that Holly and Carlos found...he was only six and a half...and I know...and you know it too, Sarge...it's Billy Barnes...he's out there...' He pointed toward the door. 'He's out there right now...I just know it...and next time maybe it will be someone's niece or nephew...or God forbid...someday it could be one of our kids...' He stopped in mid-sentence and froze.

I raised my eyebrow at stared at him, not sure what to say. I felt my face turn red, which was something that would surely give me away. Until him, I was impossible to embarrass, but what he had said hit me in a way that I wasn't prepared for. I knew he didn't mean it the way it sounded. The trouble was that I liked it. I had even fantasized about having a kid with him...little Boscorelli's running around...a boy and a girl maybe...oh, they would be so sweet...

'I didn't mean...I didn't mean...our kids...I meant' He babbled stupidly. 'I meant...a kid that I might have and a kid that you might have...not from you and me...ya know...that was a stupid, stupid thing to say...as if that would ever happen.' He finished, not looking at me anymore.

Of course it was stupid. Stupid that I would fantasize about having a family with him while the idea almost revolted him to the point that he couldn't even look at me. I felt hurt and angry at his obvious disgust at the mere thought of him and I together.

'And here I was soooo worried about it.' I said sarcastically, ignoring the hurt look that momentarily flashed across his handsome features. 'And to answer you again..we are not going to do anything more tonight...now...can we end this conversation? It's a little too maternal for me.'

He rolled his eyes and crumpled up his napkin and threw it onto his, now, empty plate, disgusted by my lack of agreement to his brilliant plan. 'Fine. Whatever, Maritza. Do what you want...you always do.' He said in a defeated voice, lowering his head to the table top.

'Bosco...' I began tentatively.

Almost immediately, he snapped his head back up, his eyes flashing. 'Get over yourself...it was a slip of the tongue. It didn't mean anything.' He stood up and grabbed his bill. 'And it hasn't meant anything for a while, either, so don't get your ego in a knot.' He added and turned his back to me.

I had to suppress the urge to go after him and slap his beautiful face and let him know what it meant. It hurt so much to have him talk to me like that, like he didn't care. It seemed to me that his intent was to make me understand just how much he didn't love or even like me. Well, I was getting the point. Clearly getting it.

I gathered up my own bill and stood beside the table for a moment, just taking in the sight of him from behind. He paid and left a good tip to the blue-eyed blond waitress, who seemed very pleased and reached out to squeeze his arm affectionately. Encouraged by this, he leaned in and whispered something to her which induced a peal of laughter.

I walked up to the front of the restaurant and slapped my bill and a ten down on the top of the bar, startling the blond vixen, who was gazing into Bosco's eyes. He glanced at me before turning back to her. 'Don't mind her...she..'

'She is the one who decides if you get a paycheck or not'. I said hotly, looking from him to her. 'Go get em, tiger.' I said to the girl and winked. 'Although, you may be disappointed.' I added meanly before walking out the door and leaving him standing there.