Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT.
Warnings: Short, Tissue
Mindless Babble:
What seemed like an eternity for Splinter was actually less then two hours. It had taken that long to get the bleeding to completely stop. He laid his son on the couch. Raphael was so pale! Splinter finally allowed the feelings he had pushed to the back of his mind to surface. Sorrow and guilt dominated. How could he have struck his son like that?
Tears welled up in soft brown eyes as the graying rat went back into the room and stripped the bed of the scarlet stained sheets. A notebook caught his eye and he picked it up, quickly flipping through the pages. With a start, he realized that it was a diary. He set it aside for the time being and finished changing the sheets.
As he tucked Raphael under the extra blankets, being mindful of the heavily bandaged arms, he thought of the black notebook he had found. Collapsing into a chair next to his son, he open the book finding that it was indeed the rough scrawl of Raphael. Most of it was undecipherable but the aging rat did find a few passages that were legible.
Master Splinter had me stay after lessons as punishment for being too rough on Don. When he finally let me go, I went to find my brothers. They had left the lair but I easily tracked them, thanks to the cookie crumb trail Mikey left behind. When I did catch up to them, I stayed hidden in the shadows. I was going to try and scare them, but then I heard their laughter. It was so different then when I was around them. It was lighter, more carefree. They were playing, having so much fun. Without me. I suddenly felt out of place, like I didn't belong, but I couldn't bear to leave. I wanted so much to be a part of that laughter but there was a voice whispering to me, telling me that I didn't belong. I knew the voice was right. And so, I stayed hidden, just watching, until Splinter called them back. Even then, I waited. Splinter came and found me, yelling at me for not coming when he called. He sent me to my room without dinner. I didn't really care. I wasn't hungry. All I could see was my brothers laughing and hearing the voice telling me that they didn't want me.
Splinter wiped away a tear. He remembered that day, so many weeks ago. At the time, the old rat thought Raphael was just being rebellious. His heart sank as he realized the truth. He flipped a few pages into the book and found another passage.
I took a walk by myself today. The others were too busy. Leo was polishing his swords, Donnie was working on some new gizmo and Mikey was knee-deep in comic books. So I quietly left. I know it's better if I'm alone. That's the way it should be. I'm too different for the others. I was meant to be alone. I realized this. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I try to not let that pain show and I pretend that everything is okay. It's just a mask, though. Pain and loneliness is all I seem to be able to feel lately. Why does it have to be like this! Why do I have to walk alone? Is there no one out there that can love a creature like me? A thing of darkness, a monster. No. No one can love something like that. They have each other, Master Splinter and the others. They don't need me. The voices keep telling me that they would never even miss me. I know that it's true. I wish for things that I can't have, feelings I'll never feel. Maybe I should have never come back from that walk. Would they realize that I was gone? Or would they just be happy that I wasn't there? Maybe I should end it. Go away forever
Splinter looked up from the book, tears soaking his fur. How could he have missed the pain his son had been going through? A 'mask' perfected over months of feeling lost in his own world, rejected by those he cared about. A facade that he should never had to make. Near the end of the journal was one last legible entry.
I met up with an old friend today. The big white croc that Leo and I faced a few years ago made an appearance. I was skateboarding along one of the tunnels not far from home. I'm not sure how he got so close, but I decided to make sure he didn't bother us again. He didn't go down without a fight though. One of his fangs caught me in the side before I was able to slam a broken pipe through its skull.
I managed to push the body into the water which has been pretty deep from the melting snow. I made my way back to the lair. I was about to go into Splinter's room to ask for help when I heard their voices. Splinter and my brothers were reading a story about a samurai warrior who defeats an entire island of monsters. It's one of my favorites. I stopped at the door and listened for a while. After a few moments I turned and walked to my room. I guess I realized that I wouldn't be welcomed. Splinter and Leo would yell at me for being so careless and Mikey would feel sorry for the "poor" creature I killed. Donnie would just give me that look of pity I hate so much. Besides, they wouldn't care that I had been injured trying to protect them. They don't care about me. I know I love them and would do anything to protect them, but I don't think they would do the same for me.
Lately it's been like that. I've been an outsider looking in on a happy family. And they do seem happier when they think I'm not around. .They don't see me when I hide in the shadows. It hurts to watch them sometimes, but then I feel like I deserve to be hurt like that. Pain, loneliness, 's all I can feel. They're the things that let me know that I am still alive and should do something about that. Someday, when I'm stronger, I will. My life is meant to be one of loneliness. My family has each other, they won't miss me. I wonder what it'd be like to be free. This life holds nothing but pain and sorrow.
Splinter closed the book and gazed down at his pale son. He thought deeply about what he had learned. Now he would have to face his other sons with this knowledge. He wondered how he was going to tell three 13 year olds that their brother just tried to leave them forever.
