Chapter 22

You know what I loved doing most with Lily? No, it wasn't shagging her senseless (never got the chance to do that, sad to say). It was being with her. Telling her my thoughts.

We were on another of our secret, Sunday morning rendezvous. I stood there, feeling rather guilty about the whole 'Lord Voldemort' subject. She didn't know. I reasoned that what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Of course it wouldn't. Besides, I hadn't really decided yet. But three days of indecision was enough to make me a little on the haggard side (just a little, Malfoys were never really haggard). She could tell something was bothering me. And, somehow, she knew it wasn't the NEWTS I would be taking soon.

"What's on your mind, Lucius?" I turned to her, jolted out of my thoughts. It was then I realized that we had been sitting there, in complete silence, for nearly ten minutes.

"A lot of things. I need to get a Pensieve." I smiled half-heartedly, stifling a yawn. I'd found it difficult to sleep lately, being plagued by my ever-annoying conscience, and, being too proud to ask Severus to brew me a potion, I suffered greatly.

She was sitting on her cloak, her legs tucked beneath her. A strange force prompted me to move towards her, and I did, laying my head down on her lap. She looked surprised, for a moment. Only a moment.

"Here, I'll be your Pensieve." She laughed, playing with a strand of my pale blonde hair. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "What exactly do Pensieves do?"

"They help you 'arrange' your jumbled thoughts." I whispered back, feeling like a theatre actor who reminded the actress about her forgotten lines (Yes, wizards do have theatre, only they've got the concept down much better than muggles have).

"Ah," her voice became normal again, "Well, Mr. Malfoy, I regret to inform your mind seems to be. . . empty of any thought. I do believe a house elf thinks much more than you do!" It was a feeble attempt to throw off the strange awkwardness we were feeling, but I laughed anyway. The world might change, and I might change, but, I thought, Lily would always be Lily. If only she knew how much I was thinking. If only she knew what I was thinking about.

But I couldn't tell her. How could I? 'You know, Lily, I've decided to join this anti-muggle cause. You don't mind, do you? I'll try not to accidentally kill your parents, or that wretched sister of yours. And I'll make sure you have my protection; we won't kill you like we kill all the other mudbloods out there. Don't worry, you'll be all right.' I could just imagine it, right down to the slap on the face I would undoubtedly receive. No, it was best to keep her in the dark about this. She was a Gryffindor; I'd seen how she'd reacted with my Dark Arts books. This would be even worse.

Despite all the thoughts going through my head, I felt. . . calm. Or, at least, calmer than I'd been in a while.

I think it was having her beside me.

I'd always considered my time with Lily as my 'unwinding time'. She was so nice to be with, and her presence relaxed me. I loved the sound of her breathing. Lying there, on her lap, I could almost feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Her heart, I knew, was beating steadily there. Her heart.

Muggle science is the closest, and farthest, thing from magic. Closest because, occasionally, it tends to delve into sorcery, and potions, without knowing it. Farthest because it often ruins magic by making false imitations. I knew, from my Muggle Studies Class (I only took it to learn more about them; it's complete idiocy to hate things you know nothing about), about what they believed made us alive. Blood, circulating through our veins, energy, so on, and so forth. Their ideas, I'm sad to admit, are not far removed from what St. Mungo researchers believe.

It became unbearable, at that moment, to believe so little was keeping Lily alive. Of course the same thing was keeping me alive, but it was different, somehow. What if her heart decided to stop beating? What if. . .

I could no longer imagine how life would seem without her there. She was my refuge, my hiding place, where I could let down my guard. Life without her would seem. . . empty. Gray. Cold.

As an attempt to convince myself that she was still there, that she was still living, that she was still whole, I sat up quickly and reached for her hand. It was warm, and soft; it always was.

"I think I should be your Pensieve, you look like you have a lot on your mind than I do." I said, my voice strangely hoarse. The image of her cold, lifeless body was still fresh in my mind.

"I do." She smiled up at me from her position on my lap. I smiled back, and, following her previous proceedings, toyed with a strand of her cinnamon colored hair. "What do you see?"

"Hmm. . . you're desperately in love with an unbelievably handsome person who just happens to have silvery blonde hair and gray eyes." She giggled. "Wait. . . I see more. . . it's. . . his name is Lucius Malfoy. Am I correct?"

"That wasn't exactly on my mind, but I now that I think about it. . ."

"Aha, it's Potter, isn't it?" I pounced on the opportunity.

"What?" She looked confused, but I continued doggedly.

"You have a secret crush on Potter! You fancy him!" I was just teasing, of course (I admit, it's something one wouldn't usually tease one's girlfriend with, but I'd wanted to know this for a while).

"I do not!" But she was blushing. . . did she really have a thing for Potter?

"Really?" I know I really was being quite wicked, but I just had to know. "Gryffindor's Honor?"

"Lily Evans' honor." She held up a hand. "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye."

That must have been one of her strange, muggle expressions. Rather interesting though, isn't it? That muggles are so barbaric they find it imperative to swear upon violence?

Once again, I've deviated from my topic. Let me return to the story.

She looked hesitant, before she added, "We-ell, I did, at some point. But", she hastily added, "he's been acting really. . . queer."

"Queer? Are you telling me Potter's preferences have changed?" This was certainly something to laugh about. . .

"NO! I mean, he's been acting odd lately, ever since they've let him play replacement seeker during that match against Hufflepuff. He seems. . . I don't know, arrogant, or something. I don't like to talk to him very much anymore. . . and I still remember--" she broke off, and I knew she was talking about the dream she'd had, of his death.

I cracked a smile, to alleviate the heavy mood.

"Has your Pensieve helped at all?" She nodded, sat up, and leaned against my shoulder.

"It's helped a lot."

"Are you going to thank your Pensieve?" I said, suggestively, and almost hopefully. There was no harm in trying, was there?

"Definitely." She leaned over, her lips inching closer and closer to mine. . . and, at the last instant, she changed course and gave me a chaste peck on the cheek.

How disappointing.

Obviously, I'd have to initiate something a little more. . . acceptable. And I knew just the thing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Author's Notes:

 This chappie's a bit on the fluffy side, but as you can see, Lucius is more distracted. His 'brush with darkness' has taken him out of that dream-like state one often feels when one is in love, and it has shown him harsh reality. Those thoughts he had, about Lily dying? It's like he suddenly remembered how dangerous it was to be a mudblood. He knows things can happen to her; bad things. And, he's determined to protect her, totally oblivious to the fact that he's contributing to the danger. That's Lucius for you.

Thank Yous:

Erenriel—Canada Day sounded great! *sob* I wish I was there! *sob* I moved to the Philippines, and I'm missing Canada a lot. . . *sob* Well, pertaining to Lucius *sniffle* he won't be a good guy! Why, Lucius, WHY???? *is snatched away by insanity*

Nan/Dwen—It's just the beginning of the end on Lucius' part, but on Lily's part, it comes a bit later. *sob* Lucius!!! Don't!!! Be good!!! Please??? *sigh* he never listens to me. And look where that got him. Azkaban. *feels poke at her back* *turns around, excited.*

"Lucius??? Is that you???"

"It is." *smirk* "Azkaban can't hold me for long; you know that." *smirks* "My lord is calling, I must leave. More plots against Toilet-Pot-Boy." *smirks* *disapparates*

Katherine—thanks for revieiwing, and I'm glad you liked the fic! :D It (death eater things, yuck)  definitely affects the relationship. But, not yet :D I say, let them have their fun for a while. :D I don't have any other stories though, but, rest assured, this story will certainly have a sequel. :D I'm not sure if it's going to be a Draco/Ginny one, like Neni suggested, or a Lily's POV one like I originally thought. :D

Emily—I'm glad you like it! :D

Sarah—I read your fic, and it sounds really interesting ;D It sounds like a completely Lucius thing to do, you know, provoking Harry with his and Lily's past. . . :D

Neni—I can't remember the name of the author, but the title is Serphent's Bride; you can find it in the Astronomy Tower, I think. Either that, or Schnoogle. It's got a bit of R-rated stuff though, but it's not smutty ;D

Chelli—Yes, I've finally read it :D but my download, unfortunately, didn't have chapter twenty-four. It just repeated 23, so I had to puzzle out what occlumencey was. I don't mind though, I'll be borrowing from my friend next week, so all shall be well with the world. :D I won't tell you exactly what our dearest Lucius does, but let me tell you, he doesn't want to believe he was being changed by Lily. And he was very disturbed, when Garednon was telling him about him 'not hating mudbloods any more'. Lucius likes control; he lives off it, and, determined to convince himself that he is still in control, he makes one of the biggest mistakes of his life. About your second question. . . well, I can't say a thing about that ;D It'll spoil the experience. Don't worry, nothing bad happens yet.              Emphasis on the yet, but that'll probably be a long, LONG, time from now. :D More fluff to come; it's a promise :D